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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
Blueink · 02/04/2022 18:59

*yes (not he’s); options depending on child’s diet

catsandquails · 02/04/2022 18:59

It's always been 'a friend round for tea' so yes I'd always feed them. Mine have always been fed if they've been to friends houses after school too. I certainly wouldn't be bothered if they hadn't though, i'd just get them something at home. Not a big deal.

nannygoat50 · 02/04/2022 19:01

I would have expected my child to have eaten by 6.30. Yes usually if they have a play date it includes tea if it’s after school

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huniepop · 02/04/2022 19:02

So what if you eat early or late….isn’t it possible to sometimes (shock, horror) ….eat at a different time? The world probably won’t end.

Do people live such narrow lives that everyone they know eats at exactly the same time and lives the same life as them? It’s just odd to think like this.

...
These statements seem to contradict each other. Should the host not cook a bit earlier then and offer dinner? Most kids are ravenous after school, a packet of crisps isn't always enough.

Joystir59 · 02/04/2022 19:02

So nothing to eat after school lunch? That's a lot of hours to go without even a snack isn't it?

thatsgotit · 02/04/2022 19:03

@linsey2581

Ok so 1. It’s called tea time not dinner time (dinner is a lunch time). And 2. Who the heck has their meal at that time of the day?? My tea time is around 5-6pm
Oh good grief, are you genuinely not aware that names of meal times vary in different parts of the country?! Or that not everyone does things in the same way?! Confused
aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 19:03

These statements seem to contradict each other. Should the host not cook a bit earlier then and offer dinner? Most kids are ravenous after school, a packet of crisps isn't always enough.

They don't contradict each other, you're just still assuming eating early is the "right" way. It isn't, any more so than eating late is. I was never so ravenous after school that a snack wasn't enough, and OP gave them quite big snacks

DogsAndGin · 02/04/2022 19:05

We eat at 6pm

Goldbar · 02/04/2022 19:06

So nothing to eat after school lunch? That's a lot of hours to go without even a snack isn't it?

The child was provided with copious, large snacks. As well as starving her, the OP has also been criticised on this thread for making the poor thing obese and ruining her appetite for dinner.

CMupnorth · 02/04/2022 19:06

So recently moved back to the UK after 12 years in a warmer climate where later dinners are more common, family is part French so spend a lot of time there too. Also with my parents working times and me travelling far to school I’ve always eaten around 7:30 at the earliest. Since coming home the offer of dinner at 4/5pm or even earlier has left me completely bewildered. I only had lunch at 1pm people. 4/5pm is tea (the drink not the northern meal) and a snack time. Dinner is 8pm or later. It’s just how we’ve learnt to roll.

As you did offer food and opened your home I don’t see how anything you did could be perceived as unreasonable. I once said to the SIL that I found dinner at 5 a bit impossible as I wasn’t hungry. “But what about the children surely they don’t all eat at 8pm in Dubai or France”. She was horrified when I pointed out they did and it was not unusual to have primary kids out to dinner until nearly 11pm but with school hours meaning kids got home for a nap and snacks by about 2pm it worked really well (asleep through the hottest part of the day).

At that age I was off to Scouts so would have been up for a fair bit longer as well so it’s not a time thing.

Some of us Brits are just an odd bunch very set in the ways we think must be correct rather than embracing how other ways work too.

If she had expectations she should have voiced them not expected you to know her mind.

butterpuffed · 02/04/2022 19:06

@Dnaltocs

Of course you feed a child on a play date, particularly after school. Anyone coming to our home is offered food. It’s only polite. Not sure why you’d not have done so. Even Adults are always asked, Tea or coffee and always biscuits. Lunch time visitors offered food, visitors after lunch are asked if they’ve had lunch or would they like soup (always some in the freezer) I was brought up to know the difference between a house and our home. Poor little girl🙁
I'd be highly embarrassed if I visited someone and they offered to take some soup out of the freezer and pop it on to heat up. Grin
katepilar · 02/04/2022 19:08

I think you shouldnt need to ask whether the child who comes to play into your house expects to be fed. Obviously you dont want the child to go hungry but you cant be expect to do a dinner just because of that child. If anything it should be the other parent asking and taking it from there rather than complain that you didnt feed their child.

WildImaginings · 02/04/2022 19:10

@Joystir59

So nothing to eat after school lunch? That's a lot of hours to go without even a snack isn't it?
READ THE THREAD.
DreamTheMoors · 02/04/2022 19:11

We didn’t eat until 8, because my dad refused to eat any earlier.
When we were children, it was torture.
It seems to me that unless you made arrangements for the young lady to stay to supper there’s no obligation on your part, but it would’ve been a kind and generous thing for you to do.
On the other hand, if you don’t ordinarily eat until later and it didn’t occur to you, I don’t see how anyone could be angry because their schedule differs from yours.
It’s always my habit to feed people who come to mine no matter their age — but that’s just me. I’m sure my friends get tired of my asking, “are you hungry?” over and over.

Lampyshady · 02/04/2022 19:13

@madmomma

Mine eat dinner at 5 or earlier, I'd have been very unimpressed with my primary aged child not having been fed properly on a playdate
Why is a family eating a full meal at 7.30 any less ‘proper’ than eating at 5? Different people do different things
ManateeFair · 02/04/2022 19:14

I think she probably should have checked with you when the play date was arranged to find out whether it included dinner, rather than just assuming.

LBFseBrom · 02/04/2022 19:15

@Goldbar

So nothing to eat after school lunch? That's a lot of hours to go without even a snack isn't it?

The child was provided with copious, large snacks. As well as starving her, the OP has also been criticised on this thread for making the poor thing obese and ruining her appetite for dinner.

Gordon Bennett, the op did nothing wrong, on the contrary what she did was absolutely right. Of course kids need a snack on return from school, they are usually 'starving'. It doesn't have to be an unhealthy snack but they must have something between lunch and dinner.
aSofaNearYou · 02/04/2022 19:18

[quote linsey2581]@aSofaNearYou what was so awful about saying it was tea not dinner?[/quote]
It's just an obnoxious thing to say, and only ever seems to come from the "tea" people. Everyone is surely fully aware that both terms are widely used by many people, there isn't a correct one, yet I've had people genuinely argue the matter with me.

Technically speaking, all dinner is is your largest meal of the day. For some, this is the middle of the day, for others (most in my experience), it's in the evening. The whole debate is pointless and annoying.

BogRollBOGOF · 02/04/2022 19:22

At y6 our activities have shifted later and we don't tend to eat until after 8pm so like OP we have a lighter tea/ snacks soon after school to keep the DCs going then our main meal late as a family when we're all in.

On Scouts night (7:30-9pm) DS eats at around 6:45 before going, but is still ravenous when he gets back home.

When I was in hospital having my DCs, the lunch was the main meal before a very half-hearted "tea" of a sandwich at 5pm. By 8:30pm my stomach thought my throat had been cut and it was another 12 painfully hungry hours to endure before breakfast.

TBH, after a playdate I'd check how ravenous DS was anyway as he'd be 99% likely to be Grin I'd also be grateful for anything he'd eaten.

Dnaltocs · 02/04/2022 19:24

I’m laughing at the seriousness of the comments.

So very serious!!
Serious point : School lunches (dinners) are usually extremely small portions. Not really enough to sustain a child till they have a late dinner. Snacks are needed.
It genuinely saddens me when a child is having school lunch as a main meal. They truly are small portions.

ManateeFair · 02/04/2022 19:25

Who the heck has their meal at that time of the day?? My tea time is around 5-6pm

Well, lucky you if you’re home from work every day in time for a meal around 5-6pm, but most people don’t even finish work until 5pm. If people want to eat together as a family (rather than feeding the kids separately) and one or both parents work a standard 9-5 day with a commute, they’re not very likely to be sitting down to eat as early as that.

We had our evening meal together as a family most nights, and my dad didn’t get home from work until 7ish, so that’s when we ate.

Not everyone is the same as you. That doesn’t mean they’re weird. Broaden your horizons beyond your own doorstep, ffs.

Mothership4two · 02/04/2022 19:28

If this had happened when my boys were that age, I wouldn't have expected them to have had dinner unless the parent had told me and would have been quite happy with snacks. Equally, if we had asked them back, I would have specifically asked the parent whether they wanted me to make dinner.

Anyonegota · 02/04/2022 19:28

Whenever I had my daughters friends home after school I always gave them dinner.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/04/2022 19:30

I feed on play dates

Tea 5ish

Collect by 6

I get you want to eat together tho for me eating at 730 fir a 10/11yr seems late

Text her and say sorry you eat later, but that her dd had lots of snacks at yours

But next time you would be happy to feed her dc and eat earlier that day

Hmm1234 · 02/04/2022 19:30

You should of offered food especially after a long school day. 7:30 is late for dinner and not very kind it’s a play date to be so tight

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