Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

I think if it is occasional then fine but if it is often then possibly not.

Of course friendships between people of different incomes can 'work'. But I think there can be points of 'discomfort' or 'mismatch' (not sure what the right word is).

An example: I earn a lot more than my friend. We got into plants around the same time and have been on a few garden centre trips together. On these trips I've spent in the hundreds. She's spent considerably less. I've put anything into my trolley that I fancy. She's checked, and commented on, the price of everything. It feels weird and uncomfortable - I'm sure she feels like a cheapskate, I feel excessive.
These trips are fairly rare so it doesn't really impact our day-to-day friendship.

I think a bigger issue is a mismatch of attitudes towards money (i.e. if someone is cheap or excessive regardless of how much they actually earn).

@KStockHERO yes I think you're right, regarding attitude to money. For example, a friend and me used to earn similar amounts (average salaries) but she would always feel the need to tell me that she bought the cheapest food, clothes etc and I would feel bad talking about anything treat related. Now I earn much more, I feel like I need to watch what I say all the time, in case it looks like I'm showing off. Thing is, I could literally just say that I had been out for dinner at the weekend and I instantly get, well it was McDonald's for us, as if I was rubbing it in, which I would never do. I genuinely can't stand people doing that.

I feel like this may end up ending our friendship, because I shouldn't feel so on edge all the time.

Anyway, that's what got me wondering.

Im finding this with a particular friend- she recently got married- over 200k on the wedding alone. I wasnt able to go but am delaying meeting up because I know I will have to take a present, anything short of 100quid would be rude but tbh at the moment (2 young kids, prices through the roof and Ive cut my hours) its a lot of money to me, it would mean little to her.
Im accepting that her expectations on how we socialise and what we do and what I can do are probably too different now.

As our careers have grown our lifestyle has definitely changed to some of my friends.... but... I really don't think it's a problem? I'm definitely never showy, and unlike KstockHero above I would have a bit more tact than spend hundreds in a garden centre with my friend

@pupcakes

As our careers have grown our lifestyle has definitely changed to some of my friends.... but... I really don't think it's a problem? I'm definitely never showy, and unlike KstockHero above I would have a bit more tact than spend hundreds in a garden centre with my friend

That was the whole point of my post - that mismatched incomes can create moments of discomfort and 'tension'.

Nothing to do with 'tact' - I didn't exactly waltz in, hand over a platinum card and say "I'll buy everything you have dahling" to the nearest Saturday girl. I bought what I wanted for my garden, she bought what she wanted. Are you suggesting I should've only bought a fraction of the stuff I saw/wanted with her, then gone back alone another time under the cover of darkness to buy the rest of what I wanted?

My experience is that it matters to me now but never did when I was younger.

I'm mid 40s, a high earner, 1 DC, nice house with a big mortgage, holidays etc. but friend who is wealthy from parents business lives mortgage free in a huge house, with both DC in private school. Live in housekeeper etc. She doesn't work, has an Instagram fertility guru hustle going on which I don't think is good.

I cant relate to her now - can't talk about work, schooling, parenting even. It's not her fault but I think the gulf is too wide.

I think that differences in money are not intrinsically a problem but yes, they can get in the way because of people's attitudes.

The pp with the garden centre example - truthfully, if i was the friend who was buying just a few things and you were spending hundreds, I genuinely would have no problem with it. And would probably enjoy spending vicariously through you!

But what I've come to learn is that a lot of people feel self conscious if they have money or if they don't and either judge/feel judged (rightly or wrongly).

The main area it becomes a real problem that isn't in people's heads is when there's no sensitivity. It's the wealthy person who consistently suggests eating in expensive restaurants with no understanding of how a £100 dinner might not be doable. Or the less wealthy person who makes unkind comments about people who do have money.

I have friends who are both significantly better off and significantly less well off than me. I love hanging around with the rich ones especially when they're considering big purchases or whatever - it's such fun to look at the fancy car or new garden furniture and be allowed to have an opinion on its practicality. But I have loads of fun with friends who have less cash too as we stagger off to a pub for a few drinks after a long walk.

Lots of friends are far wealthier than me. I only feel a pang when I think of how easy their children have it compared to mine-huge deposits for flats, cars bought that sort of thing. Mine don’t have that. But regarding the friendship, it doesn’t matter-it’s more if we have similar values, we enjoy each other’s company and I love hearing about their holidays as I could never afford theirs! But I have a very nice life with lovely dh and lovely children-maybe if my life was rubbish so their wealth was rubbing my nose in it I might feel differently.

Yes they can but...
Most of my friends have similar lifestyles but I do remember being the one who couldn't afford stuff when much younger. Friends were planning a mini break and I just couldn't afford it; or out to dinner at a pricey restaurant. Or at Xmas exchanging gifts of a much higher value than I could manage. Having to turn down invites to engagement parties that require an over night hotel stay - yes I remember it all well.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Im finding this with a particular friend- she recently got married- over 200k on the wedding alone. I wasnt able to go but am delaying meeting up because I know I will have to take a present, anything short of 100quid would be rude but tbh at the moment (2 young kids, prices through the roof and Ive cut my hours) its a lot of money to me, it would mean little to her. Im accepting that her expectations on how we socialise and what we do and what I can do are probably too different now.

But if she's your actual friend you could just say that. 'Sorry it's not much, I'm so pleased for you but we're not very flush right now' and she'd be fine with it

I sub my friends who are considerably worse off than me and my friends who are much better off than me are generous. It's a luxury to treat others

I didn't think it mattered but it does. I am fairly comfortable, but a couple friend just sold their business for a nine fig sum, and even though I am happy for them and they worked their asses off, gradually they are becoming unrelatable with extravagance and they are moving into a different social circle where it is common to spend 100s of pounds on dinners a few nights a week and go on once in a lifetime type holidays every month or so. I can't relate to that, but by no means I am jealous or judgy, just a vastly different life I think that makes us grow apart and have little in common.

It doesn’t matter but it depends what you want from that friendship. I’ve got friends who earn less than me and I wouldn’t suggest big days out, holidays or expensive restaurants to them. We’ll meet at a local pub or for lunch/coffee and cake where there’s cheaper options. We’ve stopped buying presents for each other or will do a secret Santa with a budget so there’s only one person to buy for. I’m also conscious about not going on about holidays and luxuries - they know when I’m going and will ask how it was but I don’t go overboard with photos and messages.

I’ve then got other friends who I’ll arrange a day out in London and a posh meal with knowing that budgets are not a problem.

I have a vastly different lifestyle to my group of friends (dh is a high earner) and I've learnt that I very much have to keep things under wraps and watch what I say.

It does annoy me sometimes but I'm aware of the fact that some of my friends are really struggling, both financially and in their personal lives and I would hate to seem oblivious to this and witter on about the fancy restaurant I just went to or my new car or whatever.
I just take what I can from the relationships (ie we all have a lot of fun together, we grew up together and there are lots of shared experiences etc) and talk about the other stuff with a couple of school mums I meet occasionally for coffee who have similar lifestyles to me.

I think they know I'm still the same person despite now having money.

I don't think it can, no.

I was the poor friend in this scenario some time ago, and always felt like a project. My wealthier friend had never, ever, experienced any kind of financial hardship, and any difficulties (health, housing, emotional, work etc) she had experienced were softened by the availability of cash to relieve the pressure and treat herself.

She'd never known how difficult it was to hope that a giant bag of jacket spuds wouldn't get too boring as our main meal for a week, nor having to learn how to do a hundred household jobs as we couldn't afford to get someone in. The disparity was huge, despite us having, on paper, so much in common.

I eventually drifted away after her 'hardship' at having the husband working away earning £££ was compared to my acrimoniously divorced, unemployed single parent life.

I’m the ‘rich’ friend and my friendships totally work. I’m very careful to be mindful of my friend’s financial situation and have thought of a few activities that suit their budget. I meet one friend at the cinema because we both have a cineworld pass but I know not to ask her to watch a theatre show with me. I’ve tried treating them to things but it can get a bit weird. Another friend and I I go shopping together but it tends to be getting a few bargains from B&M rather than clothes shopping etc. I’m happy to do any activity with them as I enjoy their company.
I go on a lot of really expensive holidays and they always seem ok with that and say nice things such as I deserve a nice treat (I do have some short going on in my life). I really try not to show off about things or make them feel awkward or anything like that.
I did have one much richer friend than me and she asked me to a few very expensive activities such as a flower arranging £100 lunch but we soon found a happy medium and met for a cheaper lunch or an afternoon tea.

I'll probably be shot down in flames but in my opinion money does change people
I have been friends with someone for over 20 years. We met at work early 20s and got on so well. Both bought small starter homes. We are now both married with children. Myself and my husband have always worked and earn decent salaries but not rich by any means. Paid for our own first cars, weddings, saved for our first home etc. Now in a nice house in a good area but house needs some updating and we'd like to extend but prices are so high right now we are waiting. No inheritance coming our way as both parents rent.
Friend on the other hand still has a brand new car every 3 years bought for her by her father. Married a guy who has a lot of money and they live in a very expensive house and are currently having a huge extension and a major renovation. Funded mainly by the sale of a rental property that her dad put into her name. She hasn't worked for around ten years now and even when she did work she was a low earner. Her parents also cover all extra curriculum activities for her children and give her monthly money to spend
She has changed so much. Looks down on people a lot. All her school friend mums are rich and she is constantly trying to keep up with them. She came to my house a few weeks ago and couldn't believe that we still hadn't done much to it. Can't get over how we can possibly live in it like it is. For context it's a 4 bed detached and only 20 years old so while it needs a little tlc it certainly isn't awful. Our kitchen is not much bigger than her new utility room she says. Can't possibly understand how we can live in it (it's not even that small). She has since messaged me her builders details and told me to get in touch with him ASAP but told us we will have to move out while the work is being done. Makes me laugh if nothing else. It's like she's on a different planet to everyone else. It's not even as though her fancy house and new car is down to her. It's her parents and husbands money. Even if she did go back to work it wouldn't be a well paid job as she has no real qualifications or experience.
I have a family member who seems to have changed too. He's doing quite well for himself but spent all of lockdown sending the family messages moaning about how worried he was about his investments going down which is fine but 2 of the people in the group chat had lost their jobs as a result of covid and were having to apply for benefits for the first time in their lives. Just tone deaf.
I honestly find it difficult to relate to either of them anymore

I'm noticing more as I get older. And actually it's not so much income but family help. receiving 500k-1m as a gift tends to have a bigger impact than just earning well.

There was a youngish man on R4 the other day who had made a lot of money through being a trader. He said that money is great but the reality is that it's also very isolating. When you have lots of it, old friends start to withdraw and new, monied people start to want to be friends with you instead. He had no interest in these types as they were far removed from his background and he had very little in common with them.

He concluded that there is an amount of money to have which is perfect; it's an amount that allows you to live comfortably, but anything more than that does not make you happy, in fact in his case, he said it made him less happy.

I thought that was very interesting.

I had a very good friend who was a ridiculously high earner and their house was worth a few million. Lived in a particularly good area too, and the kids went to private schools. Which is the opposite of my situation.

Still, we got on really well until it became quite evident that they kept dropping into conversation how (for example) their surprise bonus was more than a years rent for me and they were spending it on a skiing trip. Or how they'd fallen into this job and now they could wfh do sod all and still make 500k a year. Or how they'd just done a revamp on the house and it had cost them 100k and they barely noticed it was missing from their savings. That kind of thing. But they'd do it in a sort of 'can't believe I'm that rich' kinda way so it didn't feel come over like boasting but it obviously was.

Then there was me who had to lay her own carpets throughout the house because getting them fitted is above my budget or had to build her own fences from scratch when they all blew down. Or (as a freelancer) often has months when there's little work and zero income. Really doesn't faze me any and I'm happy with who I am and our life in general, but their boasting made me feel like shit.

And they didn't 'get' that I couldn't just splash out on workmen to do jobs, why do you do these things when there's people who'll do it for you? Because I can't bloody afford to!!

It did begin to wind me up tbh. I have no jealousy over someone earning well yadayada but some of their comments were so tone deaf and unnecessary it became really annoying. I drifted away from the friendship and they asked why and I was honest, I said that knowing them made me feel like less of a person. And that's not their fault, but the stealth bragging certainly was.

It works for me, there’s about 6 of us in my friendship group and we all come from different backgrounds. A couple of us were raised very working class (me) and do struggle for money from time to time, others sort of in the middle and then I have 2 friends who are extremely rich. It’s never been an issue for us, we all know that we can afford different things so if we go for meal or something nobody feels bad for what they order. We all just live within our means, our friendship is based on more than the stuff we do together, we like similar things and have similar senses of humour so that’s what works

@Schools2023

I sub my friends who are considerably worse off than me and my friends who are much better off than me are generous. It's a luxury to treat others

I agree.

I've become the wealthy friend through, along with my husband, selling our business for an 8 figure sum. It's very recent so I'm yet to see the impact. I'm meeting a good friend for lunch next week, I want to treat her but I know she'll push back. Other friends not so much I think. Anyway a significant chunk is earmarked to be given to charitable causes so that will reduce the pot

Yes friendships can and do endure in these circumstances if both people are respectful and considerate of the other's circumstances

I appreciate it can be awkward but shouldn't be a barrier to remaining friends

I have friends who are in a similar financial position to me and others who are both much richer or significantly poorer

The one time I think it can get tricky is holidaying together as not easy to negotiate suitable accommodation, activities etc if you have very different budgets