Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

This is a very complex area and you have to navigate carefully.

My DH has earned significantly more than all of our friends. We have spent money on things we cared about. We spent on private education. We were wondering how this would go down with some of them. Fortunately at the same time, another friend chose a private 6th form for his DS after issues at a state school. We felt relieved.

Along the way, parents died and friends inherited some money. That starts to even things up. Redundancy payments have done the same and big lump sums from pensions is another leveller.

However we find people who have had modest tastes don’t change their habits. We have always, without fail, put our preferences to one side. We would rather see people than not. No one ever wants to cook at home though: except me! Or have people overnight. Or put on a party. It can feel lonely!

We lead two separate lives. We choose very good restaurants, wine and spend a lot on holidays snd cars. We entertain them at our holiday house. We want to stay friends and we do try our best. Over 45 years now - and we are all ok. I’ve no doubt they make an effort for us too!

We have a lot more money than most of our friends, but you probably wouldn't guess how much we have if you looked at our lives. We have nice holidays, but drive old cars. My clothes come from the supermarket. We buy our food at Aldi. We don't go out for expensive meals - we have friends over for drinks and dinner. Our tastes are quite modest; the money is being saved for early retirement and to pay the children's university fees. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone in real life how much our savings are, so I don't think it impacts on our friendships that much.

I've never had an issue with this. My friendship group is quite broad and some are school TA's earning very little and some are financiers on 7 figure salaries with the whole range in between. We have strong shared values and that is what binds us.

@LadyHelenaJustina
To be fair, saving money for university by having old cars and living modestly isn’t being really well off. It’s not a massive divide. I’m guessing it’s not £millions you have in savings. When it is, there are fairly big issues to overcome. Savings are easily hidden and it’s easy to work out people save when they don’t spend much. It’s also a desire to look the same as your friends. If you like spending money, it’s far more tricky to maintain friendships when there is a big difference in disposable income.

I have had a few friends who have less money than we do and have remained good friends for over a decade. I think it requires the person with more to choose to do things that are cheaper things together but without making it a ‘thing’ - cook them a meal, be cooked a meal, watch a film together etc rather choosing activities that are bound to be too difficult for the other person. I genuinely enjoy relaxed socialising together at home so it’s hardly a hardship.

Secondly for the person with less to not feel resentful. That’s not really something that’s in someone’s control - it just is or isn’t something they experience.

I also have friends who are wealthy. To be honest their social lives are impossible for me to join in with, so we continue out friendship with coffee meet ups and phone calls. I don’t ask them what they did at the weekend!

@TizerorFizz We have the savings because we invested in the right things at the right times, as well as having good jobs. We don't have expensive tastes and a desire to blow it all on handbags and gold plated loos. And having had periods of life when bailiffs were breaking the doors down, I appreciate the security it brings.

I used to think it didn’t matter, I had a lovely friend who lived in a massive house in a fab area, I let a few comments she made about about my rented house slide, but when she asked me to babysit one valentines night so she could go out, and I replied I was sorry but we had already booked somewhere, her reply was “what? But YOU can’t afford to go out that night”
End of friendship!

I'm a part time paramedic and DH earns less than £30k, we live in a tiny cottage (that we love). One of my closest friends is a private school educated, inherited wealth (multi-million pound beach front home), business owner, and up and coming tory politician.

We have a great friendship, and she is well aware of how lucky she is to live in such an awesome location, and is very welcoming into her home, we had our wedding reception there, and when I was single I used to stay over loads. She has also been through life events that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Wealth doesn't protect you against everything.

So it is absolutely possible to be friends with someone from a different wealth category.

Sometimes. One or two of my friends couldn't handle it when I started earning serious money

They knew me when I was skint and they seemed to prefer it when I was "in my place" tbh. Now I have friends of all incomes and none of us think bad of eachother

My oldest friend, we've known each other for forty years, is a paper millionaire.

I know this because they asked for my advice on some financial affairs after their partner died.

I'm a comfortably off pensioner, not rich by any means.

Our relationship is just the same as it's ever been. I knew them when we were both single parents and didn't have a spare penny.

We are both the people we were, just older and a bit more (a lot in their case) more comfortable. But I know, they would sooner have their partner here, and not have the paper comfort.

It really depends on the lifestyle more than the wealth. I have friends who are very wealthy, don't need to work wealthy. But you would not know it to look at them. They live modest lifestyles, don't have massive houses or cars. we will all go for a weekend in a cottage together/down the pub etc.

I am in a very close friendship group of 4.....I am the youngest.....we each have completely different incomes, homes, lifestyles etc....when we are together everything is equal....lots of conversation, laughs, great company and no judgement....

Our best friends have a very different income to us, but they are not flash in any way - still shop at Aldi, enjoy a walk and a pub lunch, have a caravan...
Their children also go to a fee paying school and they have a couple of expensive holidays a year but they would never put us under pressure to match their lifestyle or do something that we couldn't afford.
We go for a fantastic camping weekend with them every year, whereas they go skiing with their rich friends. It's fine, it works. But that's because of the personality of the people.

I think it mostly works fine (assuming neither party is super sensitive or tactless), but like all relationships friendships like this need managing and an acceptance that moments of tension will pass.

All relationships have issues.

I think like others have said it's more to do with attitudes to money. That encompasses both attitude to your own situation and your attitude to others around you. The money itself needn't be a problem.

Eg I have a few friends who I know earn very well but they just don't mention it. We talk about loads of things, our values, our families, attitudes to life etc and are close but we never talk about money. They would never put me in an awkward situation in terms of suggesting expensive activities, the question doesn't arise.

In contrast I have another friend who is an absolute horror about money. She is tight. Not just with me but in how she views it in general. She always talks about what she can't afford and how poor she is and her charity shop bargains and how she's saved xyz by getting this that and the other freebie. I know she owns her house outright and has done for over two decades so has had no mortgage/rent for all that time and never will have. That in itself wouldn't bother me at all but her constant fucking chat about how skint she is and how she needs to save money does my head in.

So that is actually quite a big barrier between us. The money itself isn't: I probably earn a little more than her now although I didn't used to. But I honestly cannot stand hearing the way she talks about money.

I've done quite well financially, and have much more than most of my family. I like to treat them, pay for holidays, meals out and the like, but they then in turn host me, feed me, spend their precious time with me, and I feel that it is more than a fair trade.

This thread made me reflect on my friendships, and one family in particular. In the beginning, they were much more comfortable than us; we were officially struggling. They'd treat us out occasionally, and we'd have them over to eat. As time went on, my earnings far outweighed theirs, but we had already established our norms, so took turns hosting, shared meals out but let them pick places, holidays together that we'd work out a budget for, together. It was perfect.
Sadly, she died and as a result the DH is very flush (great life insurance and 5 years full salary from her well paying job) and we could not possibly keep up with his spending. Well, we could, but we would never spend that recklessly. Over the top, and not necessary. We are no longer spending time together, it just did not work. I never ever saw that coming!

@2018SoFarSoGreat
You are very judgemental. Someone is not your friend of you cannot embrace what they wish to do with their money. Earned or not.

Why is it necessary for people to live quietly like misers to be permitted to be friends with some posters? Why is this valued? Surly friendship is about deeper values? So what if someone has a Porsche, has several houses, Or even spends “recklessly”? So what? If they have enough money, let them enjoy it without saying it’s over the top and unnecessary. Why so judgemental? I’m all for having fun and if you have plenty left over, does it really matter who spends what on what? Real friendship is not about money.

I have a close family member who is very very wealthy. From not being previously. There is a huge disparity in our respective income and lifestyle. I’m not going to lie, from my perspective it has been a struggle to maintain that formerly close relationship. I overcompensate when we’re together so as to not feel like the poor relation and end up covering lunch/drinks/dinner so they don’t feel like I’m trying to leech off them. It’s hard. Our points of reference are no longer the same.

[quote TizerorFizz]@2018SoFarSoGreat
You are very judgemental. Someone is not your friend of you cannot embrace what they wish to do with their money. Earned or not.

Why is it necessary for people to live quietly like misers to be permitted to be friends with some posters? Why is this valued? Surly friendship is about deeper values? So what if someone has a Porsche, has several houses, Or even spends “recklessly”? So what? If they have enough money, let them enjoy it without saying it’s over the top and unnecessary. Why so judgemental? I’m all for having fun and if you have plenty left over, does it really matter who spends what on what? Real friendship is not about money.[/quote]
You are right, it does sound that way, and I see that. However, in rereading my post, I see that what I portrayed was not what happened. I failed to say he got a new, young girlfriend to impress, and it changed the dynamic totally. I found it too sad to be out without my best friend, spending money lavishly that was only there because she was not.

In truth, I'd have happily spent all my money with them if it meant she was there.

@2018SoFarSoGreat
That’s a very different perspective. I do think some men can move on very quickly and are like chamaeleons when the feel they need to be. (Not all of course!) It no doubt feels distasteful but he’s clearly found a new way to express himself.

@TizerorFizz thank you for calling me out on my post. I had painted this story differently in my head, and can see that I was blaming the loss of that relationship on the wrong things. I really appreciate this.

@RIPWalter

I'm a part time paramedic and DH earns less than £30k, we live in a tiny cottage (that we love). One of my closest friends is a private school educated, inherited wealth (multi-million pound beach front home), business owner, and up and coming tory politician.

We have a great friendship, and she is well aware of how lucky she is to live in such an awesome location, and is very welcoming into her home, we had our wedding reception there, and when I was single I used to stay over loads. She has also been through life events that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Wealth doesn't protect you against everything.

So it is absolutely possible to be friends with someone from a different wealth category.

All was well until you mentioned up and coming Tory........

What I don’t really understand is how the friends know what posters on here earn. Especially the ones who say their friendships changed when they or their DHs got promoted and a huge pay rise. How do the friends find out the level of detail to let it change things so dramatically? Do people actually say “oh by the way, my DH just got a 100k pay rise” to people who earn a lot less? If so, they are idiots.

I earn significantly more than some of my very best friends. They know from my job that I earn well, but have no idea how much. We are friends because we have shared interests, values etc. not because of how much we earn. When we go on trips or for meals etc together I make sure it’s at a place where the cost is appropriate for all of us. Because I’m not a dick. I sometimes do pick up the cost of a takeaway etc but not in an obvious way (eg pick it up on the way to theirs and just let paying back pass). When they talk about their credit card debt, I listen supportively, I don’t tell them gleefully that we don’t have any!

I just can’t imagine ever telling them what I earn to the level of detail that it could destroy our friendship.

But I did have a very good friend who clearly decided because I had a good job I should pay for things. She was tight, horrible attitude to money. Not poor. But felt like she was owed. That friendship didn’t survive as a close one. That’s about values being different though, not income.

I have other friends who I go to the expensive spas with etc. because we both know we can afford it, although again I don’t know what they earn and they don’t know what I earn. We just know we are clearly in the same ballpark and so can do the same stuff.

I probably earn more than many of my friends but I am careful with my money, as I have also been through a stage where
I hardly had any, so being lavish doesn’t come naturally. I begrudge spending huge amounts on eating out, when you can have just as good a time somewhere less expensive - I’d rather put the money towards something we need or a nice present. I buy clothes in the sales, take packed lunches to work, even though I could sometimes afford full price, whereas friends who live in the red think nothing of spending 200 on one pair of shoes.

Mariposista

See I don't get the packed lunch thing. That would be absolutely the first thing to go if I could afford to buy lunch!