Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

@NeedleNoodle3

MsGrumpytrousers treating people didn’t often/always work. I tried this and it caused some awkwardness in my friendships. I’d more than happily pay for every coffee or lunch out with my two best friends but they seem to really want to take turns.

When I was younger, I had a colleague who became a friend of sorts. She was older and she was definitely a friend, but in a sort of mentor-type way. She as older and definitely had a LOT more money than me. She tended to treat me and the mentor-type relationship made that a bit easier. But I always insisted on treating her in less expensive ways. Eg I'd insist on paying for coffees or I'd get in sandwiches at our desks or whatever.

She told me years later that it was one of the things she'd appreciated - she loved being able to treat me when she knew I was just starting out but she also liked not feeling like I ever took it for granted.

We have recently become wealthier following my partner’s career move as he now earns a six figure salary.
There were a few comments at the beginning about not being able to keep up with us now we were rich and I kept a few things on the down low such as meals out etc.
Things in my friendships have settled now and we all just enjoy a laugh and a joke as we ever did.
If the friendships are strong then they will survive.

We went away for the weekend with a group of friends with a variety of budgets. The cost of the accommodation wasn't really a problem - everyone wanted somewhere reasonably nice but also good value. It was the "treats" when I noticed the difference, eg making a packed lunch versus eating at a cafe when we went out for the day - I guess because that sort of thing was optional, so a good chance to save money. It didn't matter too much but it did make a slight difference. Either the richer friends go for the sandwich option too (when they'd really prefer to eat out), or the poorer friends end up feeling a bit second best. Not enough to stop us all being friends though.

@NeedleNoodle3

I wonder if my penny-pinching ways (which are done out of enjoyment of looking for deals rather than need) make her feel uncomfortable I don’t know about uncomfortable but I bet there’s a fair chance that every now and again she’d enjoy you letting her treat you a bit and you go out for a nicer lunch or enjoy a more expensive activity together.

She is such a generous person, in every way, I'm sure you're right. But it's not that I couldn't afford it, it's just that I really enjoy a deal. I just think now that I have lessened her enjoyment from time to time. But thank you, needle, because it's a very valid point. I remember going to a garden centre with a friend for lunch and she saw a pot but couldn't afford it. She was really struggling at that point in her life. And it gave me such pleasure to buy it for her. So I'm glad you reminded me of that.

@theton

All the time I smiled sweetly knowing I was actually wealthier but have kept very quiet over the years because she always asked to borrow money and never paid it back .

Why does it matter that you're wealthier though?

It doesn't but it was a nice antidote to her constant boasting and crowing at me about what she had and what she was worth . In my limited experience people who have the most money just don't need to boast about it , certainly not old money .

It's lovely if a more well off friend offers to treat you. But it does make you feel like a bit of a charity case/project - even if that's not the intention. And it also highlights your own financial situation. Occasionally it's nice, but it dents the pride a bit if I'm being honest.

As a pp said if you're struggling to heat your house and a friend thinks nothing if spending £££ on frivolities every month - and then telling you about it - then it's hard to remain friends.

Obviously that's how their life turned out and good for them. I'd never be resentful of people doing well. And this is how my life turned out - many unexpected twists and events beyond my control tbh - but I just crack on with it. However, I don't need constantly reminding that someone has cash to burn!

Earlydancing I’m the same I love a deal. I’m off to the cinema tonight and going to have a Tastecard meal beforehand. Then I get 25% off any snacks I buy with my cineworld card.
I have learnt that occasionally it’s nice to let yourself have a ‘full price’ treat and just enjoy it. Although I know this is easier said than done.

Yes it can absolutely work, but the person who earns more must be the one coming down to the level of the person who earns less, ie by suggesting affordable ways of socialising like having drinks and a meal at home etc.
It shouldn't be on the person earning less to try to stretch themselves.

Why is hard to remain friends though? People have all sorts of stuff going on in their life. I can afford an expensive bag but I also have cancer. My friend may struggle to heat her house but has really good health. We may both have had gone through similar difficulties with our teenagers etc etc and can help and listen to each other.

Where it does get complicated I think is when the disparity is extreme. Eg one person is struggling to put food on the table and the other one is living in a 8 bed mansion with a full time nanny, weekly hair appointment and an international holiday every half term. I think in that situation, your day to day lives and worries are just too different.

A pp pointed out that her rich friend and her have the same worries about their children, careers, the world etc. And I think that's important. If you're spending all your time working out how you're going to afford the heating bill, you're probably not going to have much in common with someone who has just spent 3 hours researching their latest Greek Island luxury holiday and is agonising between the villa with a butler or the all-inclusive-luxury resort.

We once gave a friend money to pay her mortgage that month. She is one of my oldest and dearest friends and I made it clear to her that we didn't want to ever talk about it again and we just wanted to help her out because that month we could (it wasn't super easy for us but we could swing it). I know she was grateful. But she is one of perhaps 2 people in the world who I can imagine having that level of disparity and getting through it.

It doesn't but it was a nice antidote to her constant boasting and crowing at me about what she had and what she was worth .

So she thought more money made her better than you but actually you have more so it made you feel better 😆

In my limited experience people who have the most money just don't need to boast about it , certainly not old money .

This is such an outdated trope, yep all those billionaires leaving like paupers. Why is old money better? Most will have nefarious means as to how that fortune was acquired back in the day. I'm not sure why that makes them morally better than a footballer head to toe in Gucci!

It’s been an issue, more so with friends my age. Some just haven’t gotten the hint (when I was on mat leave) that I didn’t have money for dinner…I tried cooking them a meal hoping we could switch to that which I could afford, but they didn’t reciprocate. I have some older friends that are very well off, they would usually pay if we meet up for dinner - but there’s no awkwardness. I know they are wealthy and they know i’m a working parent with a mortgage and it feels a bit like an auntie or uncle treating you. I have had them round for meals and parties.

I would be very nervous about treating my less well off friends. I would hate to offend. If I know my friend is really struggling, then I'd probably suggest they come over for drinks/dinner rather than go out, for example.

Unless people are very tactless/flashy/touchy it works fine. We are considerably better off than most of our friends but substantially worse off than a few of them. To a certain extent I tailor what I do with friends to their individual budgets. I don't suggest to someone struggling to get by that we go to London for a theatre/dinner trip that might cost £200. With them we are more likely to have a girls night in with few bottles of wine and a pot luck supper. Both are equally enjoyable.

OTOH a group of very well off friends are going on a very fancy 4 week holiday later this year. They worked out the itinerary and budget between them and sent it to us saying 'these were the plans, did we want t0 come along'. They probably knew full well that the whole thing was out of our league but it made us feel included and we were able to politely decline.

For a while I was convinced it didn’t matter but then it became too awkward and we drifted apart. It was more wanting to do different stuff. It was ok when just toddlers playing in sandpit together but once it was having a bottle of wine / going out it got too hard. They thought McDonalds was a treat, I was brought up not to touch it, I wanted to go for a coffee they didn’t wanna soend money on a drink etc etc. To be fair I was happy doing free stuff like walks in park but once their kids were at school they just didn’t wanna.

So I’d say it can massively reduce what you have in common but a friendship can probably survive if you have something else in common like if you both love jogging.

I think it can cause problems. I have a friend who I know is broke but puts pressure on herself to spend money socially. Eg meeting for a £3 latte and insisting on buying mine. I don't care about fancy coffee and would be just as happy with an instant coffee at her house or mine but she won't hear of it. I think it's a pride thing. I try to always invite her to my house.

I certainly wouldn't go on holiday for example with someone who has a lot more or a lot less disposable income than me as someone would always end up feeling awkward.

It can also cause problems when people assume others can afford to /want to spend their money on something. Eg hen weekends, weddings abroad, dinner in posh restaurants etc.

I think it can make things tricky.

I have consciously dropped my University friends. They were lovely but their lives were massively different to mine. A couple married men who earned a fortune in the City, one married a future Lord. They had all been to fancy private schools. It didn't matter at Uni and when I lived in London with them for a few years.

But when I married and moved North with DH (similar background to me) our lives were very different. We had different priorities so we drifted apart.

Its ok if you have common interests.

The thing i find is I have some disposable income but not limitless, so friends feel i am not prioritising them if i dont spend that bit of disposable income on things they want to do.

@MsGrumpytrousers

What always puzzles me is when people are really aware that they're much better off than others but never think to treat them. So in the garden centre scenario, why didn't the richer friend just say "Go on, I'm buying loads, anything you'd like is on me today?"

That's just so patronising and condescending though. I am a high earner (not trader salary but pretty healthy) and can afford to buy things I want pretty much if I fancied it. If I decided to do the garden up and go to the garden centre and spend a few hundred it wouldn't be an issue. Whilst I am MORE than happy to treat anyone it is patronising to assume. I have an elderly auntie that gives me a £15 cheque on my birthday. It comes through the post and I never cash it. She is on state pension and budgets for every penny so I always feel bad cashing the cheque. I recently learnt she was highly offended I did not cash the birthday present. I was trying to save her the money but she took it as an insult. If she comes to stay with us we will buy all meals out, pay for excursions etc but she always likes doing one thing (perhaps buying coffee and cake) to thank us for our hospitality.

People are very proud and even though they may not be able to afford to spend the same on a shopping trip it does not equate to feeling comfortable being subbed by a friend.

Yes it can absolutely work, but the person who earns more must be the one coming down to the level of the person who earns less

'Down to the level..' ouch.

Everyone has richer and poorer friends I suppose.
I couldn't care less about what money they have or their income.
I like them all equally. We go out have fun, no jealousy, barely discuss money, no one ever borrows. It must be a new thing or a generational thing. I've had a lot of these friends for many decades, it's not an issue.
God it would irritate me if someone thought they were treating me. I can treat myself. How condescending.

We are considerably better off than most of our friends
Bit of Harry Enfield slipping in there

@MsGrumpytrousers I’m sort of moderately wealthy now but was brought up poor. I’d hate someone to “treat” me like that. It would make me feel awful. I’d rather just buy what I can afford.

I think it’s not income level that matters- attitudes to money are more important

I can see that in some cases it could create friction. However, I am the rich (ish) person in my friendship groUp. My friends aren’t completely broke eg can afford the occasional meal out, takeaway coffee etc. it helps that I have quite simple tastes… clothes from high street stores, don’t go out very much, prefer cheap/ free activities eg no fancy restaurants etc. so our activities are affordable for everyone. We usually do a nice country walk, pub/ restaurant meal/ coffee out/ meet at each other’s houses for a meal. The only sticking point from my end is with my sister: again she earns a decent amount but we have gone on holiday a couple of times together and as the oldest I would love to treat her sometimes but she wouldn’t hear of it and would find it very patronising/ feel awkward so I say nothing. I would love to spoil her sometimes though as I love her and want what’s best, but I know better than to do this. We always spend similar amounts on presents etc.

I imagine that if I was someone who had expensive tastes then things would be different. I am from a very working class background and grew up feeling awkward around money so maybe that has shaped my experience. I would feel mortified if someone wanted to treat me to big stuff/ saw me as a ‘charity case’ (which is how I would’ve viewed it at the time).

I did not earn very much years ago and was raising my DS alone. Most of my friends didnt get it that I could not afford extravagant bachelorette parties, holidays, nights out all the time.

Over time and now I earn much more I think they have reflected on it. But I think for some people they have to do it to realise.