Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

What always puzzles me is when people are really aware that they're much better off than others but never think to treat them. So in the garden centre scenario, why didn't the richer friend just say "Go on, I'm buying loads, anything you'd like is on me today?"

I find it best to simply not talk about money, salaries etc. You don’t need to hide things but you need to be tactful and have empathy.

MsGrumpytrousers treating people didn’t often/always work. I tried this and it caused some awkwardness in my friendships. I’d more than happily pay for every coffee or lunch out with my two best friends but they seem to really want to take turns.

I’m the “poor” friend and I’ve definitely noticed friends not wanting to do so much with me since I don’t have as much money as them. I can’t keep up with the eating out / days out / shopping trips etc.

Those of you who believe your friends are worse off, how do you know that? We had friends who always pleaded poverty, ran an old banger, always bought supermarket own brands, said they couldn't afford it everytime we suggested doing anything that cost money. We felt a bit sorry for them and we always ended up out of pocket whenever we socialised with them. Turns out they were massively overpaying their mortgage and paid it off mid-forties. Nothing wrong with that, but there's a lot wrong with making out you're broke when in reality you're prioritising other things at the expense of your friends. I wish they'd just been honest.

I have friends who earn alot more than me, the main difference with say one of them, is to cheer me up they send me cookies, to cheer them up I send them a picture or a silly letter through the post.

Both thoughts cost very differently but very much appreciated, so it can work, but also I think it depends where you meet in life as well.

@pupcakes

As our careers have grown our lifestyle has definitely changed to some of my friends.... but... I really don't think it's a problem? I'm definitely never showy, and unlike KstockHero above I would have a bit more tact than spend hundreds in a garden centre with my friend

Not sure what @KStockHERO did wrong? I have much wealthier friends and enjoy shopping trips with them, why shouldn't they get what they went for? I would be hugely patronised if they didn't.

MN is such a fantastic place sometimes for having your eyes opened. This thread has really made me think.

One of my closest friends is much better off than me. Nicer house, better holidays, new cars, more expensive clothes etc But actually the actual nitty-gritty of life is not that much different from mine. She worries about her children's future, her parents health, the political situation, etc and even though she as more money, she still worries about it but just on a different scale.

She has a different attitude to money than me. She'd think nothing of going out and spending £200 on a meal out. I technically could afford to do that out of my savings, I suppose, but I just wouldn't. It offends my spirit! 😂 I love a voucher. So if we go somewhere that's a little more expensive than usual, she always insists on paying. She can't take on board that it's not about not being able to afford it, it's just wasteful.

However, after reading this thread, I realise that I'm looking at everything from my point of view rather than hers. I wonder if my penny-pinching ways (which are done out of enjoyment of looking for deals rather than need) make her feel uncomfortable. She is the loveliest person and I'm pretty cack-handed in relationships and looking back I can think of occasions that, in my self-deprecation, I have made her feel conscious of her larger disposable income. And that is so not the essence of who we are as friends. I'm sad now.

So, I don't think it's money that stops a friendship from working. I think it's the attitude of both the haves and the have-nots and the accommodation you make for each other.

It depends on the difference in wealth and how generous the richer friend is.

If the poor friend couldn’t afford to heat her home and the richer friend bought a 4k handbag every couple of months then I don’t see how they could be friends.

If the friendship is valuable to you it won’t matter as you will find common ground and having fun doing what you both enjoy together - for example having a laugh over a few bottles of wine. If it is a different type of friendship - perhaps a new one - it might be a problem. The garden centre example is a bit daft because you are both there getting what You want - doesn’t matter who spends more.

I wonder if my penny-pinching ways (which are done out of enjoyment of looking for deals rather than need) make her feel uncomfortable I don’t know about uncomfortable but I bet there’s a fair chance that every now and again she’d enjoy you letting her treat you a bit and you go out for a nicer lunch or enjoy a more expensive activity together.

The pandemic highlighted, for me, things that I'd never really considered about some of my friends before: namely a few of them who saw lockdown as a massive inconvenience to their extravagant lifestyles and moaned that they couldn't go on their usual shopping sprees or foreign holidays.

It brought home to me just how big a wealth gap there is between my life and theirs - in a way that I just hadn't really noticed previously.

I am the rich friend but the difference is that none of my friends are poor, just most not at our level. Sometimes the problem is that when you hang out with other rich people and then you are with someone not so rich you forget yourself and mention things you shouldn't. Its a v difficult one. I do think money changes most people.

If you can let yourself be treated and treat others in the same spirit when funds allow I think that's a nice place to be

Our income (joint not just DH) is many many times all of our family and friends.

Never been an issue
I have never told anyone what out household income is.
I pay for a lot of stuff- why wouldn't I ?
But I also dont expect friends to go on exotic nights out- just as happy down local gastro pub or at a basic price restaurant.

Equally rich friends may not have much time, so some home made cakes or a thoughtful token are going to mean as much as them buying a £££ gift.

It has usually been fine with my friends. However, I have lost a couple of friends because of it over the years. They just displayed themselves as being very jealous and quite resentful. I found that we began to drift apart as we had different perspectives on life.

This is more recent with one friend. It has changed my attitude towards her as she makes little comments. Like, you're doing ok or once I saw her and her mum in a shopping centre. I stopped to chat and she asked to see my purchases, commenting on the shop there were from and then said told you to her mum like they had been talking about me. The funny thing is she has twice the budget for spending I have and hers money from her parents on a monthly basis. Plus got given a house. But it seems that's different if it's someone else with money.

One of my closest friendships became strained when a friend got a high earning job , she behaved like a typical new monied person , boasting about the value of her car , House , pension , delighting over the expensive handbags she bought etc etc . All the time I smiled sweetly knowing I was actually wealthier but have kept very quiet over the years because she always asked to borrow money and never paid it back .
I later discovered everything she bought was on tick and although she earned a lot it had gone to her head and she spent loads on credit cards .
Yes I believe different wealth can work but only if both sides are discreet and respectful of the others situation .

I don’t think it’s easy and I’ve always been very aware of disparity of incomes. It does make a difference to socialising and ways of living. It doesn’t stop you being friends but it gets in the way in a practical sense - whether that’s difference in holidays / where your house is / schools / babysitters or lack of etc etc etc

I met a friend at baby group and we got on really well in that setting. When she came to mine and realised we lived on a farm in a nice set up, things have gone downhill.

Started with "funny" comments on me not shopping in Aldi because I'm posh. Not understanding how to budget because I don't need to.
It's now at the stage where comments are on me putting my career before my family because "I don't need to work" to digs about how her children will need to be explained that they can't afford as many xmas presents as we can.

To be honest after our last meeting I decided the friendship had run it's course. It's sad because the girls get along but I'm not playing the racket for some other fuckers chip on shoulder. I'm fortunate for what we have but I also work hard.

Of course it can work. I have friends of all ranges of salaries. I say no thanks to anything too expensive to the well off ones. I don't suggest expensive restaurants to the less well off ones.

More often than not it is coffee or meeting in houses anyway so income is irrelevant. Nobody makes anyone feel bad for having treated themselves. Your friend is unreasonable.

@MsGrumpytrousers

What always puzzles me is when people are really aware that they're much better off than others but never think to treat them. So in the garden centre scenario, why didn't the richer friend just say "Go on, I'm buying loads, anything you'd like is on me today?"

There is a thread right now on MN written by a person who has been 'treating' her less well-off friend for years to the tune of £100s. Now the 'friend', after a skinful of drink, had a complete meltdown at a social gathering, and accused the OP of 'treating her like a charity case', and gossiping about her
.
The OP on that thread is still dealing with that fallout and being lambasted from all sides in true MN fashion.

I regularly hang out with people who earn huge amounts more than me. We never discuss money really, sometimes when they talk about there 4 weeks in Mauritius and me my three days in Whitby, it becomes more apparent but I don’t let it spark any jealousy. I will say that they are not that generous though, I find the more people have the less they want to let go of it.

It can be hard. We do ok, but used to be quite hard up. My best friend at the time was very well off, but it never mattered. We had very similar attitudes towards spending and money so it was fine. Ok so I was venting about affording school shoes and she was venting about affording fancy kids ballet shoes. But we were on the same page. Whereas friends in a similar financial situation with different values were harder to maintain for sure.

All the time I smiled sweetly knowing I was actually wealthier but have kept very quiet over the years because she always asked to borrow money and never paid it back .

Why does it matter that you're wealthier though?