Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

latriciamcneal easy to say but she’s been very kind present wise when I had children, it would look awful to not spend a sufficient amount on her. I’m not on the breadline, I’m not pretending I am, but I don’t have a load of disposable income and would rather save a £100 at the moment (but I could find it).

I think it depends on what connects the friendship and attitudes. A lot of friendships can be quite circumstantial and vulnerable to changes in lifestyle be it money, family life etc. If friends are bonded over something in common that's managable to all, that's more resilient.

I met a core of friends through a relatively low-cost hobby and it's something we've retained an interest and connection in for the past 20 years through a lot of lifestyle shifts.
One couple I did run out of patience with was from sheer tightness and lack of investment in the group (as in planning things). They'd accept trips at the last moment when there weren't any better offers on, never plan anything themselves- then you'd find they'd planned themselves a similar type of weekend away a couple of weeks earlier. Always penny-pinched to exact amounts over group meals which inevitably meant that others ended up paying extra on things like service charges and taking ages to sort out the bill. It wasn't budget that was the problem but constantly being tight and not putting into the wider group.

I found an NCT mum hard work, again through attitude rather than her actual budget. We did a mix of things, soft play, picnics... What annoyed me was when she'd try to re-plan existing arrangements to make everything fit her limited transport and budget. Not everyone could do everything. A lot clashed with my work days. Others had to watch budget or had transport logistics too and dipped in to the plans they could attend. It was the attitude that everyone should capitulate to make everything accessible to her for free in her corner of town that irritated me. One of the mums I got on with best had similar logistical issues, but just got on with life. She was easy company because we'd got a similar kind of chemistry.

I was always on the edge of the group.

I met some lovely women where I used to live. It was a very expensive part of London, most of them had or used to have great careers before
kids and after, their husbands were high earners, all owned homes there.

dh worked for a local authorities so good job, shit pay and I was a care worker and could never dream of owning there, we rented and had top up housing benefit, nothing spare.

The only nights out I could go on were the occasional night at the pub or drinks at peoples houses/my house.

They would think nothing of just deciding to go to dinner/theatre on a days notice, or booking last min tickets to wembley gigs just for shits and giggles. Summer holidays the SAHMs would group text and say “shall we all go to Alton towers tomorrow and stay over in a hotel?” and the rest could all afford just to do that.

They were lovely but it made me feel shit that I could never join in.

We moved three years ago and no one kept in touch - one day I stopped contacting them to see if they would contact me. Still waiting! So I don’t think I was as good of a friend as I thought I was anyway.

"We have a lot more money than most of our friends, but you probably wouldn't guess how much we have if you looked at our lives."

Maybe you have guessed wrong about your friends? Imagine the horror of one day finding out they have more!

@Enzbear
Imagine: they all have millions £ but all eat in Macdonalds snd go to Butlins! Why cannot people enjoy their money? Why have a lifestyle that’s not in any way exciting? Of course more money might still not be a lot of money. Why have money and not enjoy it?

I notice it most with meals out.

My brother earns a very good salary. When we go out for joint family meals for celebrations, they order everything off the menu, whereas I am already calculating our cost in my head. We used to divide the bill by X number, and we would end up paying double. Now, I ask to just pay our own.
We have a big meal coming up, with family friends invited, so I will feel like the miser trying to calculate our family of four costs when the joint bill comes.

I also met up with a fairly wealthy friend in a group and we went for a birthday meal. Again, we stupidly split the bill and my meal cost considerably more because the others had ordered more courses and booze. I should have spoken out, but felt embarrassed.

My work colleagues all earn more than double my wage, and I'm part time too, so the gap is even bigger. Pre Covid work dos were a nightmare. I'd decline most, but at a leaving do, they'd think nothing of wining and dining at expensive places and splitting the bill, getting cabs back.

What on earth are you on about TizerorFizz ?

I think you might have got the wrong end of the stick

Differences in income I don't think matter, in either direction. Differences in lifestyle are harder but you can get over them. Differences in values - really hard, though we do have some good friends who are Tories, evangelical Christians, and quite unsure about homosexuality (we're leftie lesbians). We make that one work because we're all quite open to acknowledging we might all be wrong about all sorts of things.

IMO the biggest one is differences in social habits. I've never managed to maintain a friendship with the sort of people who expect texts to be answered within minutes or hours of sending, want to carry out long conversations by text, or who make a big deal out of organising or cancelling meet-ups. I may have the best intentions, but sooner or later I offend them by not replying to a text, or I get frustrated at the level of planning required to go for coffee.

You can be friends with people of different incomes if you can present yourself as confident and that you make meaningful impacts and can stand on your own two feet. Money is probably the easiest/most banal of the ways people use to make themselves feel special but there's other routes there. I think it's important to remain cognizant of the fact that money and class are not overlapping concepts. In simplest terms, the definition of "a lady' and a "gentleman" are people who put the comfort of their guests above that of themselves and ensure hospitality. Whoever wrote about their tacky friend who was in "disbelief" they can spend 100k without noticing is obviously not a lady or gentleman, and has no class. Class is more attractive than money. Also - money talks but wealth whispers. The richest people among us generally are trying not to let everyone know.

Our best friends probably earn 3 times at least what we do but they're not at all showy or pretentious - they still shop in Aldi / buy clothes from charity shops / live a pretty humble day to day life.

The differences are in their house, car and holidays - they ski, their house is twice the size of ours, they drive a top of the range Mercedes etc. Also their children are privately educated.

We do things together that fit our income rather than theirs - barbecues, walks, drinks at the local pub, meals at each others houses. They wouldn't invite us to go skiing with them, or on an exotic holiday, because they know we wouldn't be able to afford it.

So yes, it can work but it depends on the people doesn't it?