Friends with hugely different incomes/lifestyles. Does it ever work?

[SpritzHead]

Hi,

I would have always said, of course! Why wouldn't it? If you're good friends, what does your salary matter, but starting to change my mind now.

What are your experiences?

@Shamoo
No. We never said a word about actual earnings. However friends can see what we own and what we spent money on. It becomes obvious there is a big difference. However we never talk about money because we all enjoy other things which are not financial. None of our friends are poor so we don’t have issues of them affording nothing.

We also have friends with a massive unearned income. It’s been more difficult to stay friends with them as they moved to Jersey and neither has worked for 20 years. But we try our best.

TizerorFizz has it been hard to stay friends with them because of their move or because neither of them work?

My old best friend used to be so down to earth, she's now been bought a million pound house by her dad, son is in private school ect, and it's like she no longer wants to know me haha. But on the flip side of that, if I see her she only ever mentions how her dads a millionaire, how she's just had a new car / extenstion ect bought by her dad, and basically how awful it must be been 'broke' like everyone else she knows

I think a lot of it is the attitude, my parents are not poor they have a comfortable life but my Dads best friend from school is a self made multi millionaire. He has multiple high end cars, lives in a huge house and has the biggest collection of Rolex watches I have ever seen. However him and his wife are the most down to earth people I know, their children who are now grown aren't spoilt and have to earn their own money. He would rather go to the local pub than a posh restaurant and feels out of place in "his circle"

I have three old Uni friends who I go out with occasionally. We lived together in Uni so have all been poor together once, but they have gone on to have great careers in the City (or marry men with great careers in the City!) while I work in the public sector (teaching).

I am very fond of them and enjoy spending time with them all individually but definitely feel inferior when we go out in a group. Cocktails at £12/glass, expensive meals, ordering £40 bottles of wine, talks of long haul holidays, private schools, home extensions and designer handbags.

The worst bit is that I don't think they have any clue at how excluded they make me feel.
When I see them individually it would usually be me arranging it and I make sure it is something more suited my my pocket.

@NeedleNoodle3
Mostly because they moved away. The DH has a life that we cannot join in with (international sailing competitions) so their life is different in so many ways. We do see them but it’s an effort. When we do it’s fine.

My two best friends and their families earn less than I do. I am really aware of our finances and always suggest cheap / free things to do

Like dinner in or walks in National trust as we are all members.

I don't believe it makes a difference but the difference in our priorities in life does or how we want to spend our money. For example eating out for a family of 5 costs easily £100 I can afford it but don't want to. As that could pay for a day trip and lots of different things. Yet they earn less and spend more on food and alchol.

So if o suggest going to the local wildlife park easily £100 they say no they can't afford it but would spend that on dinner instead

I think it really depends on how important money is to each of the people - I'm (for my area) very comfortably off - live in a big "showy" house which we own and have a decent salary. I have friends in a similar position to me but also friends who are on benefits and really stretched. None of us are massively interested in money (easy for me to say I realise) but we have many more interesting things in common. It does take a bit of tact - with one friend in particular we'll go to cheaper or free things together and we'll both often bring a flask and snacks so we're not spending money and I sometimes take the excuse to treat us all when I can subtly but what she brings to our friendship (and I hope what I bring too) is worth way more than the occasional treat - she is funny and kind and incredible for deep conversations over a bottle of (cheap!) wine. I've lived in countries previsouoy where everyone is obsessed with money and countries where it really doesn't matter and I know which one I prefer!

I think so. I live in a very leafy area in a “big” house, mortgage free, go on holiday in business/first class several times a year & drive nice cars.

I have a friend who works in retail on minimum wage. She is renting in her studio flat, can’t drive and hasn’t been on holiday since 2018. We’ve been best friends forever and she always pops over to my house (I pick her up) for a catch up & she cooks the most delicious food. We often go on long walks which DH hates and just window shop. I do admit sometimes I have to be careful what I say as I don’t want her to get jealous. It definitely is possible.

My 2 closest friends are both married to millionaires and I work full time on a salary of about 30k - so a massive income disparity. It’s never affected our friendship and they’ve never treated me any differently - I’d be mortified if they offered to pay for me if we go out, luckily they don’t and we just go to places we’re all happy with 🤷‍♀️

We don’t pay for friends but I do host parties and dinners at my house. It’s patronising to offer charity I think.

@Shamoo

What I don’t really understand is how the friends know what posters on here earn. Especially the ones who say their friendships changed when they or their DHs got promoted and a huge pay rise. How do the friends find out the level of detail to let it change things so dramatically? Do people actually say “oh by the way, my DH just got a 100k pay rise” to people who earn a lot less? If so, they are idiots.

I earn significantly more than some of my very best friends. They know from my job that I earn well, but have no idea how much. We are friends because we have shared interests, values etc. not because of how much we earn. When we go on trips or for meals etc together I make sure it’s at a place where the cost is appropriate for all of us. Because I’m not a dick. I sometimes do pick up the cost of a takeaway etc but not in an obvious way (eg pick it up on the way to theirs and just let paying back pass). When they talk about their credit card debt, I listen supportively, I don’t tell them gleefully that we don’t have any!

I just can’t imagine ever telling them what I earn to the level of detail that it could destroy our friendship.

But I did have a very good friend who clearly decided because I had a good job I should pay for things. She was tight, horrible attitude to money. Not poor. But felt like she was owed. That friendship didn’t survive as a close one. That’s about values being different though, not income.

I have other friends who I go to the expensive spas with etc. because we both know we can afford it, although again I don’t know what they earn and they don’t know what I earn. We just know we are clearly in the same ballpark and so can do the same stuff.

I don't know exactly what my friends earn, but two work in the nhs and i know they are band 3 and band 4 and they work part time. I'm a higher band also in the nhs.

I know no one, literally no one, who makes money even remotely like I do. I don’t mean the amount, or that I have a weird job, I mean I sometimes work loads and sometimes take months off. Some years I pay no tax, some years I pay higher rate tax. I’m completely in charge, yet bound by my commitments. I make all the choices, but am bound by lots of rules.

If I couldn’t be friends with people who have very different finances to me, I would have no friends. It is an issue for me, as I can’t really discuss money with people other than on a superficial basis, and investing is part of my life, so it would be nice to discuss it with people who get it. I have purposefully stayed less wealthy (I’m asset rich and cash poor, but also time rich as a lifestyle choice. Usually, anyway) so I don’t know any people who invest as such. I would love to meet more people like me, but not at the expense of my current friends. I purposefully and consciously check my privilege (when I have it!) around people, though. It’s not fair to flaunt it, even if we both know its there. Perhaps that’s why I have good friends. Or perhaps if I did, I would meet people who I feel more similar too. Who knows? I don't think it matters much if you aren’t a dick about it.

I think it does. I have a circle of friends and all of them earn at least double what we earn. How do I know? They tell everyone how much they earn. And this is where the problems began.

Literally all they talk about it money. How much their peloton cost, how much their latest extension is going to cost, how they're upgrading their holiday to a more expensive one, how much they spent in the fancy restaurant last Saturday. It's endless. It bores me to death.

We are not poor. I recently bought a new piece of furniture, it was very expensive. Have I told them how much it cost? No, because it's vulgar.

And some of it is that we could afford to join them in a £200 per head Michelin starred meal, but I don't want to spend my money on that. But even if we went out for a meal that expensive, it wouldn't cross my mind to tell them all how much it cost.

So, one of the reasons I see far less of my mates is because of money.

@JuneOsborne
They are very insecure about money.

I found this with parents at school. Always wanting husbands to earn more. Always planning the next car. Always saying whet the next holiday upgrade would be. I tend to think people who can afford all this easily don’t talk about it. They just get on with it.

How do I know? They tell everyone how much they earn. And this is where the problems began.

Yup same here. Constantly on about it, sending me links to cars they were going to buy worth £££, their 'hardship' was when the BMW was being serviced and they had to use the Audi r8

Vulgar is the right word for it. Great, you have plenty of money and I'm happy for you, but there's no need to be ramming it down my throat every other day. It really affected what had been a lovely friendship. I also noticed that when I was doing slightly better income wise for a few months, they didn't like that at all. It was almost like no no, you're the poor one. Instead of being thrilled that I could afford to take the kids on holiday for a week, they were really off with me about it - can you even AFFORD that?

I think it makes a difference too, although it's possible to do things that suits the budget of the poorest person you are with. So if you can afford a take-away coffee while out on a walk, that's what you do. Equally if you can afford a weekend away in a five star hotel, that's what you do.

For me the bigger issue is making friends when people judge you on your (apparent) wealth/income. I definitely noticed a difference in peoples' attitudes when I changed my car from an older one my dad had given me, to a newer one that was only two years old. It was tangible evidence of how judgey people are! As if how much money you have (or want to spend on a car) is remotely relevant to whether you are friendship material or not.

Hobbies can be a great leveller. For example if you join a running club. A lot of the races are free or low-cost (though getting more expensive). OK you might notice if someone is going off to eg run the Rome or New York marathons, but doing runs locally and having the odd pub meal out is affordable for most where I live. You don't generally see what cars people drive or what houses they live in, though.

I'm wondering this lately. I have a friend who I met upon us both moving to a new city. As time went on we both made other friends too. She has a lot more money than me and a different lifestyle and we seem to have grown apart. Recent attempts at meeting haven't happened for one reason or another but I do wonder if this has been a factor unsubconsciously

Also, if I knew someone was hard up I would totally buy them coffee or lunch. I can't see why you wouldn't, unless the person is very sensitive and doesn't want to be considered a charity case (but why be a martyr if someone wants to take you out for lunch because they like being with you - just say thank you very much and move on).

@VampireMoney you've made me laugh, because I have had comments like that too. Like a sneer, how can you afford that? Not that I'd told them the cost of whatever it was. But, they don't see that spending hundreds of pounds each weekend on the next fancy evening out prevents them from affording some of the stuff I can afford- because I don't splash my cash on the things they do!

I’ve gone from growing up in a single parent family on benefits, to owing tens of thousands of pounds after uni, to now being a millionaire through DH having a high paying job, me a reasonable paying one before becoming a SAHM, investing loads in our twenties (in our 40s now) and inheritance. My friends have pretty much stayed the same. I’m still friends with my best friends from primary school.
I haven’t changed that much I don’t think - my kids are in private school, our mortgage is paid off, we bought our last car new in cash. But I’m still the same - still love a bargain, I’m not really fussed about designer stuff but I’m glad I can now buy things that make the most sense in terms of quality and usefulness, I certainly don’t talk about my purchases. I’m aware I’m ridiculously lucky and really it’s not fair. I do stuff with my friends we all like and can afford - the only time I’ve ‘treated’ them is using air miles for hotels etc so they didn’t have to pay, but we had an absolute ton to use up so I hope it didn’t come across as them being ‘charity cases’, it just made sense.
I cannot stand ‘new money’ people who it’s all about showing off what you have and how much things cost, even though I guess I’m new money myself. It’s so boring! I’d much rather go on adventures with friends and go for a walk and a good old chat than spend masses in a restaurant if they couldn’t afford it - it’s not fair.
I’m friends with an ‘old money’ school mum from a rich family - we both love a mooch round TK Maxx. What I have in common with my old and new friends is an interest in similar interests and values. I bet they couldn’t care less what my latest bag cost, and I wouldn’t bore them by talking about it!

@JuneOsborne it felt very much like 'stay in your lane', even though our week in Whitby was a far cry from their 3 foreign holidays a year plus random skiing trips for their kids!

We were more than happy with our week away (we all love Whitby), just would've been nice to not have the sneery remarks from someone who was supposed to be a 'friend'!

What I'm seeing from this thread is it entirely depends on the person rather than the income. It seems to change some people in quite a vulgar way and it's hard to remain friends with anyone like that really, and others remain nice and level headed, generous without being offensive.

I have a friend who is married to a millionaire, and he's about to inherit a few million. They are both very down to earth, live in a four bedroom house on an estate. He's always replacing furniture, cars and only stays in a property about three years, which she thinks is pointless. I don't know him that well, but he's always polite if I see him.

Sadly she only has a couple of friends herself and I think she appreciates the friends she has as she'll always do the running to see you, insist on paying - sometimes I let it go, but others times I insist on doing/paying my bit as she's my lovely friend and I wouldn't want to appear like I'm using her - this is the only thing that I feel a bit ... about.

Yes it works. Sometimes it can be tricky but definitely doable my friends live from those who live in a campervan to multi millionaires.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Im finding this with a particular friend- she recently got married- over 200k on the wedding alone. I wasnt able to go but am delaying meeting up because I know I will have to take a present, anything short of 100quid would be rude but tbh at the moment (2 young kids, prices through the roof and Ive cut my hours) its a lot of money to me, it would mean little to her. Im accepting that her expectations on how we socialise and what we do and what I can do are probably too different now.

You're over-thinking that. I'm sure she would rather you bring a thoughtful pressie for £20 and enjoyed one another's company.

If, as you say, the price means little to her, then just go with a normal gift. £100 is a lot and I don't think anyone expects it to be honest.