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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
CPL593H · 26/03/2022 20:41

@AchillesPoirot, sorry, missed loads when I was writing mine. Unless great grandpa was well known, it is scrapping about things that have purely sentimental value, no less important for that but more of a painful mess, as the whole thing sounds.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:42

@HadEnough798

Sorry that this is so painful for you, but it's not fair for you get the whole inheritance. It was your choice to have 3 DCs. Your choices to do an expensive activity (have children) doesn't mean that you are therefore entitled to your DM's money more than your two siblings that made different life choices (not having children).

Your DB1 sounds like an arsehole. But what about the other two you haven't discussed? Absolutely they deserve it too. It's irrelevant that you have 3 DC. DGC are not more important in terms of inheritance than your other two DBs.

I agree that db3 in particular deserves his inheritance and db2 arguably too.

I argued as much to my dm.

I'm not upset I didn't inherit everything because I think I deserve it. I'm upset that my dm - who wanted and tried to leave me/my dcs her property - was blackmailed into abandoning her wishes due to my shitty db1. I would be as upset if she'd tried to leave it all to the local dogs' home and had been bullied out of it.

Yes, having the extra inheritance would make my life and my dcs' lives easier, but it's only money. I'm upset because my dm was so upset and scared by my db's threat. And ultimately, he carried it out anyway. Even though she left her money to him.

He still chose to ignore her wishes - he didn't attend either her funeral or stonesetting. Which mattered so much to her she was prepared to rewrite her will to placate him.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 26/03/2022 20:43

OP all I can say is it is just "Stuff" okay it is something you feel emotionally attached to but at the end of the day it is an object, you really shouldn;t get upset about it .
Okay DB1 is an arse, well just let him get on with it, you don't have to have anything to do with him any more, he is in the US and you have the option to merely be coldly polite to him if and when he ever visits.
I sympathise we had similar with my youngest sister who insisted on this that and the other (home contents)was for "her", When my DM was dying in hospital I rang her to tell her and she said "Well I can't do anything about it I'm having a dinner party tonight"
So you see there's often one in every family!
Calm down and just remember your parents and how much you loved and appreciated them and how much they loved you.
At the end of the day the painting is really just "Stuff"
Flowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/03/2022 20:44

Sorry. I have read your posts but skimmed a bit.

Sadly it doesn't matter who needs the inheritance the most or who behaves badly, all that matters is what your DM's will said.

You may be able to contest some of the wills if you can prove they were made under duress or when your mother was not of sound mind/on heavy medication and go back to the equal distribution one.

Also. There's an old phrase Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Its all about what you can and cannot be bothered/afford to pursue legally.

Please get proper legal advice and if you think there is any chance that the painting is still there, go get it and notify the executor (and in writing too, just the executor not DB1) that you have it and want it to be properly valued and a decision made on the distribution (ie if DB1 wants it, he can pay the rest of you for it) - you will find he can't be bothered. Also executor can arrange for a decent photo, which you can keep to remember it by even if you don't end up with the original.

People equate how they are left items from parents almost as a sign of parental affection, but when things go badly wrong like this, you have to let somethings go and remember that your mother wanted you to have something, maybe not as much as you'd hoped but something.

Also.. eventually this will all be sorted out. And then you will never have to go through this heartbreaking period again. Try to forgive some of your siblings if that is at all possible in the future and also your DM as she probably had no idea how badly one of your brothers would behave.. and then try, eventually, to move on and remember to get the most out of your own life and leave a fair, detailed and clear will to make things much easier and less awful for your own children. So sorry that yo have to go through this but you will come out the other side. Also dont forget that all of these items, whilst they seem important are just things and you don't need them in order to remember your DM... build new treasured memories with your own family and don't let this bad experience crush you.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:44

@Ipadflowers

It does feel like op that your mother wouldn’t have been quite so very upset if she didn’t feel that you expected her to give it all to you and disinherit her other children in your favour. When this is coupled with the fact you clearly wanted it it does seem like you maybe weren’t as passive in this as you are making out?

Nope. That's in your head only.

OP posts:
DancingBarefootOnIce · 26/03/2022 20:44

Sorry about your brother. He sounds awful. I’d still try to get the painting back if it means that much to you. It’s not like you have a good relationship with the brother anyway. Can’t you try again to get your other brothers involved?

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:45

If your mother wanted to leave her property just to you she would have.

Your db1 is far enough away she had every opportunity to go to the solicitor and do whatever she wanted. And she did. This was her wishes

You really need to get over it now.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:45

The executor of the op mothers estate has zero to do with the painting. It’s not part of the op mothers estate.

ExMachinaDeus · 26/03/2022 20:50

I think it should be me who inherits it because I'm the only one with a link to the artist, who my ds is named after (it's a very unusual name

Totally unreasonable. You are trying to justify your behaviour which is pret much the same as your brother’s.

And your mother was absolutely right to leave her estate to be divided equally betther 4 chit.

You’re just pissed off you have to share. Inheritances aren’t primarily about need. If your parents were worried about your financial situation why didn’t they help you when they were alive? Why haven’t you become a millionaire like your brothers?

Your brother hasn’t stolen your inheritance- you’re just pissed off he’s stopped YOU from grabbing everything.

Lineofconcepcion · 26/03/2022 20:51

@AchillesPoirot

The executor of the op mothers estate has zero to do with the painting. It’s not part of the op mothers estate.
According to op, the house and contents belonged to her mother, so it has everything to do with the executors duty to secure the property.
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:52

@HazelBite

OP all I can say is it is just "Stuff" okay it is something you feel emotionally attached to but at the end of the day it is an object, you really shouldn;t get upset about it . Okay DB1 is an arse, well just let him get on with it, you don't have to have anything to do with him any more, he is in the US and you have the option to merely be coldly polite to him if and when he ever visits. I sympathise we had similar with my youngest sister who insisted on this that and the other (home contents)was for "her", When my DM was dying in hospital I rang her to tell her and she said "Well I can't do anything about it I'm having a dinner party tonight" So you see there's often one in every family! Calm down and just remember your parents and how much you loved and appreciated them and how much they loved you. At the end of the day the painting is really just "Stuff" Flowers
Your sister sounds a right one too. Thanks for your post.

One thing that I hadn't mentioned because I didn't realise it affected me until I read your post, was that my dps both came to the UK as refugees. So we have very few family heirlooms full stop. So I think , thinking about this, is part of why this is so painful is bound up in so many things, but some of it is also the family trauma of having lost almost everything coming to the UK, and then losing one of the very few previous objects with family (not financial) significance then hurts so much on top of that.

I've lost my dps, they lost their whole world. This picture is one of the very few material relics of that whole world. It's precious to me. Sad

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 26/03/2022 20:52

My brother is considerably better off than I am. I know that our parents' wills leave whatever they have equally between us. I am glad of that. I would not want fighting over inheritance to bring a divide between us, when it comes time to face their loss.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:53

@Lineofconcepcion this from the op:

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma

So it’s not part of the mothers estate

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:53

@ExMachinaDeus

I think it should be me who inherits it because I'm the only one with a link to the artist, who my ds is named after (it's a very unusual name

Totally unreasonable. You are trying to justify your behaviour which is pret much the same as your brother’s.

And your mother was absolutely right to leave her estate to be divided equally betther 4 chit.

You’re just pissed off you have to share. Inheritances aren’t primarily about need. If your parents were worried about your financial situation why didn’t they help you when they were alive? Why haven’t you become a millionaire like your brothers?

Your brother hasn’t stolen your inheritance- you’re just pissed off he’s stopped YOU from grabbing everything.

Always good to see the range of views on offer on MN.
OP posts:
ExMachinaDeus · 26/03/2022 20:54

But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly. You are inexpressibly greedy and trying to cheat your own siblings.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:55

@nocoolnamesleft

My brother is considerably better off than I am. I know that our parents' wills leave whatever they have equally between us. I am glad of that. I would not want fighting over inheritance to bring a divide between us, when it comes time to face their loss.
Me neither.

Read the thread - your post kind of misses lots of points but can't be bothered to explain them again.

OP posts:
Lineofconcepcion · 26/03/2022 20:55

Irrespective of the ownership of any of the items in the property the executors have a duty to secure the property and contents.

KickAssAngel · 26/03/2022 20:56

How big is this picture? And worth how much?
Because he should be declaring it as he enters the US.

What do you think he'd do if you tell him you'll be contacting customs at the airport he's flying into? If he's also taking other things from the house they would want to know the value of those items for taxes.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:56

@ExMachinaDeus

But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly. You are inexpressibly greedy and trying to cheat your own siblings.

Hello db1!
OP posts:
BanjoKnockers · 26/03/2022 20:56

According to op, the house and contents belonged to her mother, so it has everything to do with the executors duty to secure the property.

I'd suggest rereading the OP. It's like a comprehension test Grin

ExMachinaDeus · 26/03/2022 20:56

It's precious to me

Why is your sense of it being precious to you more important that your brothers' sense of this preciousness? Good lord, the special pleading and the hypocrisy.

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/03/2022 20:57

You sound too nice. No, there's nothing you can do now. You should have told your DM to let your brother carry out his threats to not say/do the things he didn't say/do anyway. Knowing that this person is not trustworthy you should have removed anything precious from the house before he got here.

The best thing you can do is cut him out of your life. I assume he sees himself as head of the family now. But you never have to see him or speak to him again if you don't want to, and I'd recommend that.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:57

It’s precious to you and it’s precious to your brother. Maybe he’s envisaging a time share type arrangement?

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:57

@KickAssAngel

How big is this picture? And worth how much? Because he should be declaring it as he enters the US.

What do you think he'd do if you tell him you'll be contacting customs at the airport he's flying into? If he's also taking other things from the house they would want to know the value of those items for taxes.

It's big but probably of limited financial interest. So no idea if customs would care.
OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:58

@AchillesPoirot

It’s precious to you and it’s precious to your brother. Maybe he’s envisaging a time share type arrangement?
I'd be happy with that. I doubt he would and I doubt he'd stick to it.

However, it is a good idea and at least worth suggesting - thanks.

OP posts: