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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 26/03/2022 20:58

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly.

Fairness is not that basic. When you have a millionaire child, and one who will be a renter all their life, it's not "fair" to give them equal amounts.

maddy68 · 26/03/2022 20:59

The house should be shared between her children. No matter who is better off.

The painting is a tricky one. Why do you think you should have it over your brother?

If you wanted it you should have removed it before he arrived. Or has a rational conversation with him explaining why you wanted it

Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 21:00

@GatoradeMeBitch

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly.

Fairness is not that basic. When you have a millionaire child, and one who will be a renter all their life, it's not "fair" to give them equal amounts.

I think many would disagree, inheritance is seldom about need and often about love and equality.
AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 21:01

It’s always problematic on families if there is anything done other than an equal share between the children.

Why should I not treat my children equally? They’ve made their own choices in life (exception for disabilities/SN) and I don’t have to make them financially equal based on those choices they made.

I have to make sure I treat them equally. Not what is some subjective notion of “fair”.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 26/03/2022 21:03

Bananarama21

Tbh it was unfair of your dp to gift you her house and deny all her children equal share because they happen to be more successful than you. It was right that it was changed back. A will says a lot about a parent views there child.

In your opinion.  I disagree.  I have written a will that leaves a house to DD2  but not to DD1.  DD! and her DH have bought and sold (at a profit) five houses during the past 15 years.  They have no mortgage, excellent jobs, savings, and a vacation home at the lake.
DD2 did not get thru uni, had a series of dead end jobs until she found her abilities and started her career.  She has life-time health issues and a OH who has a low-level job and also has health issues.

They rent, and will never be able to save enough for a down payment and will never have a child.
I want to feel like all of my children are financially secure. If that means leveling the playing field with different amounts of inheritance then I am fine with that. I have told DD1 what I did and why. This way she is not responsible for supporting DD2 after my death.

Namelessnancy · 26/03/2022 21:04

@GatoradeMeBitch

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly.

Fairness is not that basic. When you have a millionaire child, and one who will be a renter all their life, it's not "fair" to give them equal amounts.

Yes it is. It's the only fair way in fact. The millionaire could lose everything tomorrow. The renter could win the lottery. Not to mention the hurt that an unequal split can cause.
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:04

Thank you, @DuckbilledSplatterPuff

You're right, I know I do need to move on.

There's nothing to forgive with my dm or db3 - my dm did what she could to let me and my dcs know how much she loved us. db3 has been great.

db2 has been a bit useless but that's just what he's like, so I don't blame him.

I can't see me forgiving db1 for what he did to my dm or me - db3 is on the same page as me on this. I can't see either of us having any future relationship with db1.

But yes, of course it gives me comfort to know what my dm's intentions were, even she wasn't able to carry them out.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 26/03/2022 21:04

I'd like to hear the brother's side of this, but anyway, I think you should stop using the "blackmail" word, because this is not blackmail. Simply make an appointment with a solicitor and get this sorted out.

Is there anything of the estate that you don't feel entitled to? You want the entire house, and this painting too. I can kind of see why its possible the brother might want to salvage something of value, sentimental or otherwise.

When you're not thinking about how rich all of your siblings are (and the doctor offspring might just be starting out, not well paid at all and struggling to get on the housing market) are you actually disputing the will or what? If you think your brother is actually stealing, as you claim, then go to the police, but they will simply tell you this is a civil issue.

Which is why you need to see a solicitor and get this sorted out. But don't be surprised if they tell you its a civil matter.

I can't imagine it was easy for your brother to visit, living on a different continent and being initially removed from the will with everything in your favour.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 21:05

@helpmecanhardlybreathe

Thank you, *@DuckbilledSplatterPuff*

You're right, I know I do need to move on.

There's nothing to forgive with my dm or db3 - my dm did what she could to let me and my dcs know how much she loved us. db3 has been great.

db2 has been a bit useless but that's just what he's like, so I don't blame him.

I can't see me forgiving db1 for what he did to my dm or me - db3 is on the same page as me on this. I can't see either of us having any future relationship with db1.

But yes, of course it gives me comfort to know what my dm's intentions were, even she wasn't able to carry them out.

Your dm’s intentions were what she wrote in her will. Anything else is in your head.
IVFConfusion · 26/03/2022 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAreTheHeroes · 26/03/2022 21:05

@veevee04

Also by splitting the will 4 ways your DM was trying to make sure you all feel equally loved.
Absolutely this. You say your DB1 blackmailed your mother to change her will, but can you not see that he was likely very hurt to find he was to be excluded from her will rather than grasping? I would be very hurt if I were told that. It wouldn't be about the money, it would be about being considered less deserving, etc.

What are your other brothers doing with their shares?

ExMachinaDeus · 26/03/2022 21:06

The thing is OP according to you the only "fair" solution is one where you get everything. The house, the picture, was there anything you feel it was reasonable to share?

Yes, I am wondering that.

I have a lot of siblings, and we all have different life situations, having made different life choices. There is a fair bit of wealth in my family - and my parents sensibly helped us when we needed it, and in different ways. But we know that their estate will be left in equal shares to all of us, regardless of our individual financial situations.

Wills are more than about the money or the possessions - which may come as a surprise to you. Money in families has strong symbolic meaning.

You seem to be stamping your feet as the youngest child who expects to be the baby and be looked after, and spoilt - that's how your posts read.

You want all of your parents' estate & resources because you think you deserve it all, because you what - you named your son after your great-grandfather? And your brothers are nasty people, according to you, and rich, while you aren't. So you deserve your parents' house, and their belongings.

You have issues, OP but those issues are not your brother stealing your inheritance!

Bunce1 · 26/03/2022 21:07

Why did you mother change her will?

I don’t really understand how a distant brother who never comes home would be able to effect that kind of change??

The painting is a symbol of your dissatisfaction. But you have to let it go.

CaMePlaitPas · 26/03/2022 21:08

I'm sorry you're feeling sad OP, frustration and grief are not the best emotions at the best of times.

I agree with pps though, and it does sound a bit like sour grapes, inheritance should be split equally. I'm in your position, my brother and sister have both bought houses and are more secure than me but I'd feel so embarrassed if my Mum and Dad left me their house. I'm not owed anything. In your case you looked after your parents in the later stages of their life because you loved your parents, if you did it to get a bigger piece of the inheritance then that's morally wrong.

Your brother is a dickhead, once he goes back to the US you can go no contact. He's probably used to no one standing up to him so he's acting this way because he has always got away with it.

For your own sanity take steps to let go of this.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:08

@ExMachinaDeus

It's precious to me

Why is your sense of it being precious to you more important that your brothers' sense of this preciousness? Good lord, the special pleading and the hypocrisy.

Give over, db1! Grin
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 21:09

@GatoradeMeBitch

That's NOT blackmail - it's treating all her children fairly.

Fairness is not that basic. When you have a millionaire child, and one who will be a renter all their life, it's not "fair" to give them equal amounts.

Well what if the millionaire has worked hard since they were say 12 and a paper boy/girl then multiple jobs throughout their working life and thats how they've made this money, and the renters never made an effort in anything?
Cocomarine · 26/03/2022 21:09

So this painting has been sat in your deceased mother’s house for 18 months, and none of the 3 children in the same country as the painting asks the siblings if they can have it in their own home. The only sibling who couldn’t easily have it in their home, arrives in the U.K. - sees no-one has shown any interest in it, and thinks - I’ll have that then.

He should have discussed it with you all - but I can see why he thought no-one wanted it.

NorthSouthcatlady · 26/03/2022 21:11

I can see why you are upset about the picture as it’s leaving the country. But not about being unhappy about the 4 way split. Why should you get preferential treatment? It’s not your siblings fault you don’t own a property and no one made you have 3 children

Blinkingbatshit · 26/03/2022 21:13

Very late to this but as far as I’m
Aware you need proof of ownership /receipts to transport fine art abroad. If you really feel strongly enough then contact the airport/airline and report it as contested/stolen property. If you do this it will obv blow all bridges but sounds like this is the case anyway in which case go for it…

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:14

@MichelleScarn - that could be the case, but isn't here.

The reason I'm poorer than my dbs is because they bought property back in the 80s when you could buy a house for 5p. I'm much younger so couldn't.

OK, I exaggerate a bit.

But yes, db1 worked hard. And so do I and dh. But he's made about $2 million in house price rises. That's why he's richer. Not harder work. Just accident of birth.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 21:15

Is the painting of any actual monetary value though?

thecatsthecats · 26/03/2022 21:15

You said that one brother "isn't materialistic", as some sort of justification that it was OK for your DM to disinherit him.

You said that your brother from America didn't bother to come over when he COULDN'T have.

You say that you have an emotional connection to the inherited painting that the others don't.

You say all sorts of things to argue that you're more deserving or care more, but we can only hear that from your perspective, which is painfully and blatantly biased.

You might not be unreasonable, but grief is perhaps not showing you in that light.

(And to be honest, your account of your mum doesn't paint her in a wonderful light - blabbing to the milkman about her will? Ever considered that actions speak louder than words? I have to wonder if there's possibly a reason that your brother lives abroad...)

WeAreTheHeroes · 26/03/2022 21:15

@IVFConfusion - I think the OP may be Jewish as stone setting is something which forms part of the rituals after death in Judaism.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 21:15

@Blinkingbatshit

Very late to this but as far as I’m Aware you need proof of ownership /receipts to transport fine art abroad. If you really feel strongly enough then contact the airport/airline and report it as contested/stolen property. If you do this it will obv blow all bridges but sounds like this is the case anyway in which case go for it…
Ah, interesting. And tempting.

Thanks for that. Might be worth looking into.

OP posts:
Teenangels · 26/03/2022 21:15

I can't believe what I am actually reading OP, I think you and DB1 are two peas in a pod.

You really are not coming over very well.
Your mothers wishes were carried out, as set in the will, IE all her children were treated fairly. Just because your brother has become a doctor and owns a house, does not mean that you should have more as you only rent, you made that decision.
The painting of it meant so much to you could have been taken by yourself a year ago. A quick email to all your brother saying a would like this, to leave it in the house for a year looks like you didn't care. DB1 probably thought no one else wanted it.
OP stop being so hard done by, and upset that you didn't get the house that you thought you deserved, it was never yours.