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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 19:46

@Redglitter

Personally I'd be straight over to the house just now & if it was still there I'd take it home.
Sadly, he avoided us knowing until it was too late. I only found out because db3 went to the house today and found the painting had been taken down.

He asked db1 who said it was wrapped up to go. Db3 then called me and told me - db1 was going to take it abroad without telling or asking anyone. I then said I wasn't happy with that, and db1 then basically said 'Tough'.

So that's that. He'll have taken it to the airbnb he's staying in tonight, so short of mugging him en route to the airport (strangely tempting but unrealistic), I don't think there's anything I can do, except appreciate the sympathetic reactions of people on MN.

So upset. Angry with myself for being the better person and not just having removed it before he got here.

The shit.

OP posts:
Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 19:46

Very odd a picture was left jointly. That’s always going to cause issues. Is there a value he should give the quarter value to each sibling.

As for the house, I’m sorry I don’t think it’s relevant they have move than you it’s right it’s split equally amongst her children, as an adult you’re responsible for your own financial affairs and are not entitled to more due to your life choices.

The pic is a different story but only one can have it.

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2022 19:48

Can you go now, would a friend meet you to help grab it?

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 19:49

@StillCounting123

Feel so bad for you OP.

At least you have your dignity and moral compass in order, unlike your DB1. Seems like he made his millions by bulldozing his way through life over people.

I would be over there now wrestling my brother to the ground for the painting, in your situation. But only you know if that's sensible in this case.

Maybe go speak to his DW, if he has one, maybe they can talk sense into him?

Thanks. His dw would just stand up for him. She was keen to shut the conversation down as quick as possible as soon as I raised the issue. They know they're stealing it. They just don't care.
OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 26/03/2022 19:49

Your DB shouldn't get less inheritance just because he has more

Why have you not expressed an interest in the painting before now? You are not the only one with a sentimental attachment to if it was painted by a relative

Sounds like you need to get on with sorting out the estate ASAP to avoid any further issues

Booboobibles · 26/03/2022 19:50

@Bananarama21

Tbh it was unfair of your dp to gift you her house and deny all her children equal share because they happen to be more successful than you. It was right that it was changed back. A will says alot about a parent views there child.
No it isn’t unfair. It would be unfair for the op’s very well-off sibling to spend the money on frivolities or have it sitting in the bank while she is struggling and unable to buy a house. Not everyone can be successful in this society. The eldest brother sounds completely vile and deserves nothing.
Petsop · 26/03/2022 19:50

Sorry but it is right the house was split between you.

ThreeRingCircus · 26/03/2022 19:51

I'm so sorry OP I can almost feel your pain through your post.

I would go and get the painting, right now if you're at all able to. Your relationship with your brother is over anyway, it's clear that once he's back in the US you won't be in regular contact with him.

If you can't get it I'd really advise trying your hardest to let this go and move on. Your mum wouldn't want you to be hurting this much, your anguish doesn't help you in any way here. So you need to find a way of letting this go if you can and remembering the happy times with your mum.

Porcupineintherough · 26/03/2022 19:53

The thing is OP according to you the only "fair" solution is one where you get everything. The house, the picture, was there anything you feel it was reasonable to share?

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 19:55

@Ipadflowers

Very odd a picture was left jointly. That’s always going to cause issues. Is there a value he should give the quarter value to each sibling.

As for the house, I’m sorry I don’t think it’s relevant they have move than you it’s right it’s split equally amongst her children, as an adult you’re responsible for your own financial affairs and are not entitled to more due to your life choices.

The pic is a different story but only one can have it.

Agree the house isn't directly relevant.

Don't agree a parent can't decide that 3 of her dcs don't need the extra cash, and want to make sure her other dc and 3 grandchildren have financial security. I know I'd want to make sure all my dcs had basic financial security.

Also, if I had one dc who'd ignored me for decades while demanding I spent my pension buying him first-class flights as the only way to have any contact with him or his ds, versus two other dcs who spent years looking after me and paying for stuff for me, because they cared, too damn right I'd want to write my will to reflect that.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 26/03/2022 19:55

I have siblings and one is extremely wealthy, we still expect all siblings to inherit similarly. To do otherwise would be terribly unfair. I assume you have inherit money so concentrate on that and try to let go of what you think should have been.

Contents need to be discussed. What else is in the house that you feel has sentimental value to you?

veevee04 · 26/03/2022 19:56

YABU about getting all the inheritance. My OH has been told he won't be getting anything his brothers have worse jobs granted but she's already purchased a 5 bed house for the middle son no mortgage youngest son who is on £20k will have a house paid for him they wanted to cut my OH out. We still haven't upsized still have a mortgage while the other 2 will get it for free while he worked himself up and will get diddly squat. MIL has reconsidered and agreed its not fair, youngest brother will get a larger share but my OH will get something.

Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 20:00

I know I'd want to make sure all my dcs had basic financial security

But unless there is something missing, you are adults now and it is not a parents responsibility to ensure you have financial security. It’s yours. It’s terribly unfair to expect to take your siblings share of the inheritance. It should always be equally split.

Porcupineintherough · 26/03/2022 20:00

OK but your mum decided not to leave you all her money. You see that as him stealing from you but it was her choice. If he was in the states and refusing to come over unless she paid for flights then it's clear that she had neither to speak to him or see him.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:01

@Porcupineintherough

The thing is OP according to you the only "fair" solution is one where you get everything. The house, the picture, was there anything you feel it was reasonable to share?
I never asked or even vaguely suggested to my dm she should leave me the house. In fact, insofar as I expressed any view on it at all (which I tried not to), I asked her if that would be fair to exclude my other dbs.

This was what my dm wanted not me - I didn't write the will. And yes - I absolutely think she should have been allowed to leave her money where she wanted. Because she was clearly very, very distressed at not being allowed to do so. She told everyone - me, my dcs, the milkman, everyone. Literally hundreds of times. She was incredibly upset at my db1's behaviour. But too scared of him to change the will back again.

I should add that my dps left lots of other pictures and other items - it's hardly as though this was the only thing. My db1 inherited lots of other pictures. I've expressed no view on them at all. I haven't mentioned them because they're not relevant.

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:03

@Ipadflowers

I know I'd want to make sure all my dcs had basic financial security

But unless there is something missing, you are adults now and it is not a parents responsibility to ensure you have financial security. It’s yours. It’s terribly unfair to expect to take your siblings share of the inheritance. It should always be equally split.

It's not a 'share of the inheritance' - it was my dm's property. Up to her who she leaves it to. To me, my dbs, or none of us.

No-one else should be interfering in that process.

OP posts:
Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 20:05

Ultimately op she left the will she chose to,leave. The pp is correct it reads like you wanted everything and to take your siblings share becayse of your life choices. This is not ok at all. It’s also not ok for him to take the picture, but it seems like relationships have totally broken down.

But you were never entitled to your siblings share of the inheritance.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:05

@veevee04

YABU about getting all the inheritance. My OH has been told he won't be getting anything his brothers have worse jobs granted but she's already purchased a 5 bed house for the middle son no mortgage youngest son who is on £20k will have a house paid for him they wanted to cut my OH out. We still haven't upsized still have a mortgage while the other 2 will get it for free while he worked himself up and will get diddly squat. MIL has reconsidered and agreed its not fair, youngest brother will get a larger share but my OH will get something.
That sounds unfair to your OH. But not the same situation.
OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 26/03/2022 20:06

The truth is that it was her will, her choice and you dont like it or accept it. She didnt need to tell the milkman what she wanted to do, or you, or your brother. She only had to tell her solicitor and no one would have been any the wiser til after her death.

sweetbellyhigh · 26/03/2022 20:07

I think this is about more than a painting, his visit has stirred very painful memories for you and you are obviously still in deep grief.

Try to take a step back. More than anything else, your mum would want you to be ok. This business so many people engage in of squabbling over possessions is a parent's nightmare.

I know it is of sentimental value to you but if as you say he has already taken it, what can you do?

All you can do is focus on being at peace.

Your brother sounds like a very selfish person and it is unlikely you will see him again.
No great loss.

You have lost your parents and that takes time to get used to and feel at peace with. You are still in the early days and it is unsurprising that you are still in a lot of pain.

But directing your pain at your brother will not help you. Only you can do this, and in the kindest possible way I would encourage you to seek bereavement therapy.
Also to take good care of yourself with regard to sleep, diet and exercise.

As this dark cloud passes, the painting will become less important.

Try to focus on the family you do have. In the end all we truly have are relationships, possessions are pretty much a distraction.

Shamoo · 26/03/2022 20:08

Well if you really, really want the painting you should offer him money for it before he goes - paid out of your share of the rest of the estate. If he is as materialistic as you suggest he is, then he will accept.

alreadytaken · 26/03/2022 20:09

Db3 should take the value of the painting away from the person removing it, there should be a negotiation over this not one person doing what they please.

Once you knew b1 was coming over you should have removed anything that really mattered to you.

BacardiOnATuesday · 26/03/2022 20:09

Go and speak to him in his B&B. Appeal to his better nature and ask if you can keep the painting. Chances are he doesn’t really want it and he may well agree for you to have it valued and take the cash instead.

Movingonup22 · 26/03/2022 20:09

Honestly I’d just go and physically take it

You’ve abs much right to it as him and he’s hardy going to bother to take you to court over it

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:10

@Ipadflowers

Ultimately op she left the will she chose to,leave. The pp is correct it reads like you wanted everything and to take your siblings share becayse of your life choices. This is not ok at all. It’s also not ok for him to take the picture, but it seems like relationships have totally broken down.

But you were never entitled to your siblings share of the inheritance.

I repeat - my db is not 'owed' a 'share of the inheritance'.

It was my dm's money, not his or any of ours. No-one is 'owed' an inheritance.

Especially not when they've spent years doing their best to deplete that money.

Can't believe the shitty people justifying blackmailing their elderly dps to get hold of the cash. Shock

Is that you, db1??

OP posts: