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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/03/2022 20:10

I absolutely think she should have been allowed to leave her money where she wanted. Because she was clearly very, very distressed at not being allowed to do so

Why was she not "allowed" to? Considering she barely saw your DB it's unclear why she'd have to do anything he said, and if she didn't want the upset she could always have told him she was changing the will and then just not done so

BanjoKnockers · 26/03/2022 20:11

@Movingonup22

Honestly I’d just go and physically take it

You’ve abs much right to it as him and he’s hardy going to bother to take you to court over it

This is exactly what he's done, and his reasoning!
Lineofconcepcion · 26/03/2022 20:11

The executors have a legal duty to secure the property and to ensure property is disposed of in accordance with the terms of the will.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:13

Unfortunately your mother wrote her will as she wanted to. Unless you can prove a degree of coercion in which case you should’ve consulted a solicitor when your mother died.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:13

@sweetbellyhigh

I think this is about more than a painting, his visit has stirred very painful memories for you and you are obviously still in deep grief.

Try to take a step back. More than anything else, your mum would want you to be ok. This business so many people engage in of squabbling over possessions is a parent's nightmare.

I know it is of sentimental value to you but if as you say he has already taken it, what can you do?

All you can do is focus on being at peace.

Your brother sounds like a very selfish person and it is unlikely you will see him again.
No great loss.

You have lost your parents and that takes time to get used to and feel at peace with. You are still in the early days and it is unsurprising that you are still in a lot of pain.

But directing your pain at your brother will not help you. Only you can do this, and in the kindest possible way I would encourage you to seek bereavement therapy.
Also to take good care of yourself with regard to sleep, diet and exercise.

As this dark cloud passes, the painting will become less important.

Try to focus on the family you do have. In the end all we truly have are relationships, possessions are pretty much a distraction.

Thank you. Flowers

That made me want to cry.

Yes, I don't think there is probably anything I can do but try to move on. And yes, I miss my dps so very much.

OP posts:
BanjoKnockers · 26/03/2022 20:14

@Lineofconcepcion

The executors have a legal duty to secure the property and to ensure property is disposed of in accordance with the terms of the will.
From the original post, the painting did not belong to @helpmecanhardlybreathe's mother, and did not pass under the terms of her mother's will.
BeHappy91818 · 26/03/2022 20:14

The house is irrelevant…. Your mum left it 4 ways and not to you. You do sound very very bitter about that.

Also the picture could never be left to all of you… it’s an item that can’t be split. You should of just took it when you wanted it but now it’s too late and your brother will take it. There isn’t any reason that you should have it more then him to be honest. Just because your ds shares the name.. it doesn’t really mean much.

Porcupineintherough · 26/03/2022 20:15

In what way was he blackmailing her? She was allowed to leave her estate as she saw fit, wills are private. Seems like you are the one having problems over what she did want. Have you ever thought that she was just saying she'd like to leave you everything to placate you?

Viviennemary · 26/03/2022 20:15

If you feel very strongly about the painting thrn call the police. Or go and get it yourself to stop it being taken out of the country. I think the split between the four of you probably can't be challenged..

cptartapp · 26/03/2022 20:15

Unless the will stipulates differently, equal shares are usually fairest. People's financial situations, be it millionaires or paupers, the jobs they have or the care they 'choose' to give are completely irrelevant.
Your DM could have stipulated anything in her will. None of her DC need have known the truth whilst she was alive. She was obviously not bothered enough about DB1 grasping behaviour to cut him out. He need never have known. But she chose not to. And also failed to specify specific bequests which would have saved a lot of trouble re the picture.
And then your DP let you spend your own money looking after them!!??
Your anger is misplaced.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:15

And I will be leaving my estate equally between my three children. Because they are ALL my children and deserve an equal share of what I have to leave.

My rings and jewellery are to be split between my DDs and DS is to get a different family heirloom.

Everything else who ever wants it can take it coz there’s nothing valuable.

Anyone who tried to influence me to do anything else by making clear how much more the others had and how they deserved more as a result of that wouldn’t get anywhere with me. What I have will be left equally between my children. Not my grandchildren. My. Children.

Rhannion · 26/03/2022 20:16

Is there no way you could get the painting out of the house ? You should try and to be honest I would have taken it before now.
it’s horrible how your “ brother “ has behaved and I’m sorry for the loss of your mother.

Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 20:17

No op im not your brother. Sigh.

Your mother made her choice. She chose not to give you your siblings share of the inheritance. Ultimately this was her choice, im sorry you need the money and im sorry she split it equally and you didn’t get it, but you need to accept you had no entitlement here. The only entitlement is what she put in the will.

Irrelevant of what was said, if she’s wished to disinherit her own children she could have done so. She did not.

LuluBlakey1 · 26/03/2022 20:17

The person who can stop this is the executor of your mother's will. They are responsible for ensuring her wishes are carried out and that there is a mechanism for that. Your brother has no right to simply take things.They can stop him.

BlueOverYellow · 26/03/2022 20:18

Sorry, OP, but I think your DM should have divided her estate equally between her 4 children unless someone has special needs through no fault of their own and requires extra support.

Tell your DB the painting isn't his to take and that the items left behind by your mother need to be be shared out equally and agreed amongst the 4 of you; he can't just take what he wants.

ScribblingPixie · 26/03/2022 20:18

Your DB3, if he's executor, should prevent the painting from being taken. It's his job. If there's any way you can take it back, do it. Can you not get your other brothers to help?
I do feel for you, OP, although at least this way your other two brothers inherit which may lead to a better relationship between the three of you than if you had been left everything. I hope your inheritance offers you some security - it sounds as if it may be enough for the deposit on a property?

veevee04 · 26/03/2022 20:18

Contest the will if you feel that strongly about it there's a high chance you will end up with nothing and the solicitors will take the cash.

You do have 1 quarter of the will so try and feel happy about that.

BanjoKnockers · 26/03/2022 20:19

@LuluBlakey1

The person who can stop this is the executor of your mother's will. They are responsible for ensuring her wishes are carried out and that there is a mechanism for that. Your brother has no right to simply take things.They can stop him.
The painting did not belong to her mother.
Rhannion · 26/03/2022 20:20

Go and get the painting now!!!! Don’t wait go and take back what is important to you.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:20

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I absolutely think she should have been allowed to leave her money where she wanted. Because she was clearly very, very distressed at not being allowed to do so

Why was she not "allowed" to? Considering she barely saw your DB it's unclear why she'd have to do anything he said, and if she didn't want the upset she could always have told him she was changing the will and then just not done so

It was for religious reasons, as I tried to explain. If you're not religious, it wouldn't make any sense.

Basically, he could punish her after death, by not attending her funeral, and then not saying the prayers that are said for her soul. This mattered so much to her. And of course he'd know as soon as he saw the will.

So not telling him wouldn't help. Because he would find out later and could carry out his threats then.

OP posts:
veevee04 · 26/03/2022 20:20

Also by splitting the will 4 ways your DM was trying to make sure you all feel equally loved.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 26/03/2022 20:20

Untangle yourself as much as you can from this item. It sounds like it’s gone. I’m so sorry, your brother sounds like a complete shit for not bothering with your mum while she was alive. You sound deep in grief and the anger that comes with it. Sorry for your loss and all this stress after Flowers

RenovationNightmare · 26/03/2022 20:21

I feel sorry for you because it is clear that you are upset about the painting and the house.
However, I also agree with @Bananarama21 and I think that (unless a child has a disability - physical or otherwise - that would limit their ability to lead a fully independent life, and limit their earning potential) then parents should divide their estate equally between their children (regardless of how 'financially comfortable' one or more of their children are). We all make choices - to have children, to complete graduate degrees, to move to another country, to start a business, to pursue a career as an artist etc. - and sometimes those choices lead to increased wealth.
In terms of your brothers treatment of your parents, what you've described is appalling and extremely hurtful. But I still strongly believe that in financial matters equal treatment is incredibly important.

ilovebagpuss · 26/03/2022 20:22

It must hurt very much at the moment that he's taking the picture but it is just a thing and I say this after losing my own DM and worrying about what things went to who.
I personally also feel that inheritance should be split fairly no matter how successful or wealthy some siblings are. Its not so much about the money but the love from both parents that it carries with it.
I'm sure your DM wanted to see you financially secure and that is comfort for you to know.
My DB is in a better position than myself but I would never want more inheritance than him.
It's still unkind of your DB to just take the picture it should be discussed at least.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:22

@veevee04

Contest the will if you feel that strongly about it there's a high chance you will end up with nothing and the solicitors will take the cash.

You do have 1 quarter of the will so try and feel happy about that.

Agreed.

That's why I chose not to contest the will.

I'm still upset about it though. And him stealing a picture that belongs to all the dbs and me jointly just rubs salt into the wound.

OP posts: