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Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/03/2022 20:23

@helpmecanhardlybreathe *It's not a 'share of the inheritance' - it was my dm's property. Up to her who she leaves it to. To me, my dbs, or none of us.

No-one else should be interfering in that process.*

But thats literally your thread title? Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

It seems as pp have said when she says she'll leave it soley to you, thats absolutely perfect and great, when she says she'll split it between her children thats dreadful and blackmail?

Mickarooni · 26/03/2022 20:23

You say she wanted you to have the house but perhaps your brother thought you’d convinced her? Inheritance isn’t just about money. It’s the final gift of love from a parent. Barring serious life long disability, I cannot imaging not being exactly equal for all my children.

I understanding how you feel about a sentimental item but why was this not discussed sooner? 4 adults all owning a painting was always going to be a disaster.

sweetbellyhigh · 26/03/2022 20:23

@helpmecanhardlybreathe

Bereavement is such a roller coaster, you never know when it is going to rise up and knock the wind out of you.

Have you heard of the ball in the box analogy? I found it so helpful.

www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/

There is grief too in being confronted with the reality of your older brother's coldness.

I hope this doesn't hurt you but I imagine your brother, for all his awful behaviour, is in pain too, but unable to express it maturely.

I think the dividing up of possessions is the worst part of parents' passing.

You will get through this and you will get through it more easily if you allow yourself to feel whatever comes your way. x

MargaretThursday · 26/03/2022 20:23

I don't think either of you come out looking good from this. I suspect his side of the story would be very different.

I'm also bemused why you feel you have more rights over the picture-surely if it's your ancestor then it's just as much their ancestor. Naming your ds after him does not make your relationship more important.

I guess your two other brothers are keeping their heads down and hoping both of you will grow up a bit.

marieantoinehairnet · 26/03/2022 20:24

Sorry, but death splits families... you all sound as bad as each other, and precisely why I'm leaving nothing to mine!

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:24

The painting belongs to all of you. Get it valued (is the relative a famous artist? If not it’s likely to be worth very little) and pay your DBs their share?

Can you prove it was left to the 4 of you by your grandma and wasn’t part of your mother’s estate?

Really the painting has nothing to do with your mothers will if it was already left to the 4 if you when your grandma died.

frazzledasarock · 26/03/2022 20:25

You’ve posted this before haven’t you OP?

As upset as you feel, it’s fair that all of you inherit equally.
Bet you’d not be so understanding about your parents choosing to leave their property to whoever they wanted if it had been to only your brothers cutting you out completely.

As for the painting not sure what recourse you have available to you and if it would be worth fighting over it. If you took legal action it would cost you hundreds if not thousands.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:25

@Mycatsgoldtooth

Untangle yourself as much as you can from this item. It sounds like it’s gone. I’m so sorry, your brother sounds like a complete shit for not bothering with your mum while she was alive. You sound deep in grief and the anger that comes with it. Sorry for your loss and all this stress after Flowers
Thank you.
OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 26/03/2022 20:26

Whilst your dm might have told everyone what she wanted if it was not in a will then it doesn’t mean a thing.
I do think the house should be shared 4 ways however I also think everything else should be shared 4 ways and only if everyone is in agreement can anyone remove items from the house.
Personally calling in the auctioneers and if you want anything you bid at auction like everyone else. That way everyone benefits either by winning the item or by the amount paid.

I would call the police and say he had removed artwork that was not his to take and was part of your mothers estate that needed to be valued before items could be removed.

Or has the painting been valued recently? Does db1 think it is worth something?
I would have insisted anything anyone took had a cash amount that everyone agreed on and then the amounts you get at the end would be adjusted accordingly.

Ultimately if your mother wanted you to have the painting she should have specified it in her will. Her solicitor should have advised her better.
You can’t split a painting. The only thing you can go is put it in an auction and let it go to the highest bidder whether that is you, db1 or a random stranger.

Mickarooni · 26/03/2022 20:27

” Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried).”

Seems an unfair, are you orthodox? Surely she would have been buried within 24 hours..?

Orchidsonthetable · 26/03/2022 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/03/2022 20:29

@BacardiOnATuesday

Go and speak to him in his B&B. Appeal to his better nature and ask if you can keep the painting. Chances are he doesn’t really want it and he may well agree for you to have it valued and take the cash instead.
If he's anything like my Auntie who did the same thing but with a painting that was painted by my grandparent and no relative to her at all (other side of the family) he won't care and will do what he wants anyway.

I'm sorry OP, I've got no advice, I went through something similar and there was just nothing I could do but I feel for you.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:29

@MargaretThursday

I don't think either of you come out looking good from this. I suspect his side of the story would be very different.

I'm also bemused why you feel you have more rights over the picture-surely if it's your ancestor then it's just as much their ancestor. Naming your ds after him does not make your relationship more important.

I guess your two other brothers are keeping their heads down and hoping both of you will grow up a bit.

I agree we all have equal legal rights.

However, that doesn't justify him basically pinching it without asking/telling us and taking it abroad!

I'm not saying I should definitely get it - I'm saying I'd like it. I get he'd like it too.

But that's an argument for us having a discussion with the 4 of us, not him pinching it and walking off with it.

OP posts:
Namelessnancy · 26/03/2022 20:31

I would never make the judgement call that one of my kids deserved more inheritance than another based on wealth. Things can change in an instance with disability, unemployment etc. Not to mention the hurt which could be caused. Cannot comprehend people doing this.

HadEnough798 · 26/03/2022 20:31

Sorry that this is so painful for you, but it's not fair for you get the whole inheritance. It was your choice to have 3 DCs. Your choices to do an expensive activity (have children) doesn't mean that you are therefore entitled to your DM's money more than your two siblings that made different life choices (not having children).

Your DB1 sounds like an arsehole. But what about the other two you haven't discussed? Absolutely they deserve it too. It's irrelevant that you have 3 DC. DGC are not more important in terms of inheritance than your other two DBs.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 20:31

And we're not equally bad.

I haven't walked off with the picture without asking him.

I haven't blackmailed my dm into changing her will to benefit me.

What do you think I've done wrong, exactly??

OP posts:
StScholastica · 26/03/2022 20:32

I think your only real option is to ring your brother tonight and try to appeal to his better nature. Explain how much the painting means to you and how much its loss will be felt.
If he refuses then you could ask him to take a really decent photo of it and have a print made

CPL593H · 26/03/2022 20:33

The painting is not yours, it was left to all 4 of you under the terms of your grandmothers will. I don't know how it ended up with your mother but the executor of your grandmothers estate should have sorted that out at the time, whether by it being sold and the proceeds shared or by one of the siblings buying the others out after a valuation. It wasn't your mother's to leave to you or any other of your siblings.

No one involved in this comes out of it very well, to be honest.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:33

I’m quite sure that you made it clear to your mother how you felt when you thought she was leaving the whole house to you.

AchillesPoirot · 26/03/2022 20:34

@CPL593H

The painting is not yours, it was left to all 4 of you under the terms of your grandmothers will. I don't know how it ended up with your mother but the executor of your grandmothers estate should have sorted that out at the time, whether by it being sold and the proceeds shared or by one of the siblings buying the others out after a valuation. It wasn't your mother's to leave to you or any other of your siblings.

No one involved in this comes out of it very well, to be honest.

This is what I was trying to say.
Mickarooni · 26/03/2022 20:35

@helpmecanhardlybreathe

And we're not equally bad.

I haven't walked off with the picture without asking him.

I haven't blackmailed my dm into changing her will to benefit me.

What do you think I've done wrong, exactly??

What evidence do you have that he blackmailed her? Maybe he would - unfairly - say you blackmailed your late DM into ensuring the will was in your favour?

Taking the picture was wrong. You have 2 other brothers. It’s about all of you.

freshcarnation · 26/03/2022 20:35

So the property was sold and split equally between the siblings?

And what happened to the possessions? Jewellery, furniture, art etc? Unless stipulated in the will this should all have been professionally valued and either 'sold' to those of the children who wanted to buy them, or auctioned off. When DH's dad died the executors kept a spreadsheet of all items, expenses etc, to make it absolutely fair

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2022 20:39

@helpmecanhardlybreathe

And as to your point that a will says a lot about how a parent views there (sic) child, well yes, it did.

My dm was clearly very upset with db1's grasping, uncaring behaviour. And she was right to be upset.

No one is entitled to an inheritance. No one. Just because your brother has more money than you doesn’t mean he should get less of an inheritance either. Your DM has not been blackmailed into changing her will - she chose to do it.
Rainbowshit · 26/03/2022 20:39

YABU inheritances should always be split equally to be fair. It's not always about who has more but the emotional trauma of being essentially disinherited can be awful.

Ipadflowers · 26/03/2022 20:40

@AchillesPoirot

I’m quite sure that you made it clear to your mother how you felt when you thought she was leaving the whole house to you.
It does feel like op that your mother wouldn’t have been quite so very upset if she didn’t feel that you expected her to give it all to you and disinherit her other children in your favour. When this is coupled with the fact you clearly wanted it it does seem like you maybe weren’t as passive in this as you are making out?