Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

[helpmecanhardlybreathe]

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again.

@bellac11

Did OP say that there wasnt an executor?

The executor of the house is one of the brothers she gets on with, the executor for the painting is likely dead/moved away and uncontactable.

I'd say the fact that the house isn't cleared, never mind on the market a year and a half after the owner's death is a bit fishy in itself and possibly goes some way to explaining the American brother's behaviour regarding the painting.

Well yes and executors can incur charges from the beneficiaries if there is seen to be avoidable delay, plus HMRC will charge interest on any IHT due from a certain date after the death so they need to get a move on if that is the case for them (although with 4 sibs the house would have to be incredibly expensive to incur that after the tax excemption)

the number of sibs/inheritors does not affect how much IHT is paid; it goes by the value of the house/whole estate.

@Carriecakes80

That's so sad, what a terrible time for you and your family.

I'm so impressed that you've managed to move on without bitterness.

I once came home to find my place stopped bare, I literally had the clothes I was wearing. I was shocked, enraged.,, you name it. But like you I eventually realised that I was destined to carry anger and bitterness unless I let it go. And since then I have felt very clear about priorities.

Stuff is just that. It's people who matter. And one of the big reasons that we lose sight of the value of relationships is because we get bogged down in materialism. you see it in here constantly, posters quick to brag about their salaries but in the next breath complaining their relationships are in tatters. Or posters who are living literally hand to mouth because they have been shunned as of lesser importance by a society rooted in greed, the elderly, the sick, the lone parents, the mentally ill.

We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Why we fixate on gathering possessions in the middle is beyond me 🤨

[quote WeAreTheHeroes]@Wannago - what the executor of the DM's will does is irrelevant re: the painting. The painting is not part of the DM's estate. It hung on the wall of her house, but had been left by the DM's mother to her four grandchildren some time ago.[/quote]
OK, but it had to be left in somebody's will, even if it was the DM's mother, rather than the DM herself. Who was the executor of that will? It may have been hanging in the DM's house, but the DB1 still only had, from what one understands, a 1/4 beneficial interest in it, and no right to therefore walk off with it. If in fact the DM was the executor of the grandmother's will, then what she said might carry some weight, might it not -ie if she had said orally that it belonged to the OP, then would that not have been a decision by the executor? If she was not the executor, then did the real executor make a decision? They can't just have left a part of the estate undivided between beneficiaries can they? If they did, have they finished doing their job? Even if the DM was not the executor, then leaving it on the wall in the DM's house post wind-up of the estate might seem to suggest that they were leaving the DM to deal with the problem. If the painting had been a house left to the four grandchildren, are you telling me that because the DM lived in the house, one of the grandchildren could then just walk in and deal with it, ignoring the interests of the other three beneficiaries? Why is this any different just because it is a small piece of property, rather than a large one?

@alexdgr8

the number of sibs/inheritors does not affect how much IHT is paid; it goes by the value of the house/whole estate.

I realised that when I pressed send! Too late

Can you get the painting replicated? A good print might be possible?

Do you think your mum may have told everyone she wanted you to have the house because she knew that was what you so desperately wanted? And she wanted you to believe it was something she was backed into when, in reality, she just wanted to leave an equal share to all her children without upsetting you?

My siblings are also much wealthier than me. Do I expect my parents to leave me their house and heirlooms because of this? No. I'd be appalled. My siblings are entitled to their share and I would hate for us not to be equals.

Yes I am afraid is the answer... you are being terribly unreasonable, and clearly after looking after your mum, which should've been done through kindness, you feel you should now be overwhelmingly compensated financially.

I'm sorry you are getting lots of grief from posters, some of who aren't even reading the threads from OP properly, and who has to keep coming back to explain.

Give over, will you, OP is hurting and the least you can do is be empathic.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. More stress on top of what is already a stressful time.

Your US brother sounds totally unfeeling and totally selfish all round.

Bet he thinks he can impress his mates over there with a European painting from family on the wall, puffing up his ego even more.
Almost like it's from a museum. Yanks are very susceptible to being impressed by that kind of thing.
Why would he be so desperate - as to even basically stealing it! i.e. taking it without any discussion - for an heirloom from a family he's basically ignored since moving to US.

Sending strength.

@Iflyaway

I'm sorry you are getting lots of grief from posters, some of who aren't even reading the threads from OP properly, and who has to keep coming back to explain.

Give over, will you, OP is hurting and the least you can do is be empathic.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. More stress on top of what is already a stressful time.

Your US brother sounds totally unfeeling and totally selfish all round.

Bet he thinks he can impress his mates over there with a European painting from family on the wall, puffing up his ego even more.
Almost like it's from a museum. Yanks are very susceptible to being impressed by that kind of thing.
Why would he be so desperate - as to even basically stealing it! i.e. taking it without any discussion - for an heirloom from a family he's basically ignored since moving to US.

Sending strength.

Lol, ‘be empathetic’ you say, then promptly let loose on a man that also lost his mother, whilst taking xenophobic shots at Americans as a whole, like they’ve fucking done anything.

I suspect what’s happened is pretty much what’s she’s said, but not in so many words,, the house has lain empty for 18 months, it’s now been cleared for sale, and the brother has made a trip from the us, it’s not been easy to come over due to Covid prior to this and I think he’s an older man, possibly in his seventies.

He’s visited the house and taken only this picture as his memento of his family, as it was painted by his great grandfather, and told his other siblings that’s what he was doing, the brother she gets on with has let the op know, and she’s kicked off as she wants it and feels she’s entitled to it.

I really doubt there is anything he could have taken as a momento of his family, that she wouldn’t have objected to and said she was entitled to to be honest. Partly driven by her hate and resentment of him, there is no communication between her and him, so it’s reasonable he let the others know.

I haven’t read the full thread I’m afraid, I got very far in but it’s so long! I’m shocked at the vitriol you are receiving over this.

In my family there have been numerous times when more inheritance (money) was given to members of the family who actually needed it. It’s possible a few noses were put out of joint a little but it was the choice of the person who made the will. When you found out the will swung in your favour you encouraged your parents to consider your siblings’ feelings and because of one brother’s feelings they changed it. Hard to find where you were at fault in there.

It sounds like an act of huge love and pain to translate your great grandfathers letters. And of course this connects you deeply with him and with your family’s history. It’s heartbreaking that you can’t have his painting, I’m so sorry. But really sadly I wonder if the painting might now have come to represent some very painful family politics in addition to being a connection to your history. I think that the painting is at the moment a vessel for a lot of your grief and disbelief about the loss of your parents AND the behaviour of your brother, and as such is going to be hugely upsetting to say goodbye to. I suggest that you speak openly and without reproach to your brother (not easy I know, maybe an email easier) and say that you are devastated to lose it and would he consider helping you to get a good quality print of it. This could be expensive-ish (I don’t know at all how much, he could possibly contribute or you could suck it up/get as good a quality print as you could afford) but the outcome would be that you would have a reproduction of a painting that means a lot to you, which of course isn’t as special as the original but in truth doesn’t have to be not-special - and of course he keeps the painting that matters enough to him to sabotage his relationship with his sister and possibly other brothers. I know it’s not the outcome you want but the reality is you just can’t rewind and get the outcome you want, it’s about finding the compromise that in a year/10 years/when your son inherits from you - that feels the most comfortable.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and feel a really derisive disappointment with all the pedants and thoughtless judgers on here. flounce

Bet he thinks he can impress his mates over there with a European painting from family on the wall, puffing up his ego even more.
Almost like it's from a museum. Yanks are very susceptible to being impressed by that kind of thing.

Oh, do give it a rest. I know MNers love to think the worst of Americans at all times. But the ridiculous stereotypes can be really offensive (not to mention utterly unrelated to reality).

Iflyaway Your US brother sounds totally unfeeling and totally selfish all round. Bet he thinks he can impress his mates over there with a European painting from family on the wall, puffing up his ego even more. Almost like it's from a museum. Yanks are very susceptible to being impressed by that kind of thing. Why would he be so desperate

I used to read children's books as a kid which used to have similar things, but even they were generally discounted by the end of the book!

@sweetbellyhigh I’m so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me once as well, an ex boyfriend stole everything in my flat, except for all my letters/artwork I’d made etc which he destroyed. He stole my puppy. It was horrendous and took a long time to recover from but I totally agree with you, it is stuff (except the dog) and in the 20yrs since I’ve accumulated lots more stuff that I won’t allow to become fundamental to who I am. The relationships are what matter. But it’s not a lesson I’d want anyone to learn in that way! Still hurts people to lose stuff

Apart from the painting it seems DB1 has been the most fair he could have tried to convince DM to leave him everything like you did or disinherit you but he didn't he asked for the will to be split 4 ways equally.

I’d wrap something up of a similar size and switch the parcels. But (a) I’ve watched too much tv and (b) it’s not exactly an honest thing to do!

Unless things are put in writing or written in the Will no Solicitor will get involved.
Everything should be split 4 ways unless People state different in their Will... No one should be bullied or influenced by anyone when writing their Will but it does happen.
When it comes down to Family...you dont know anyone when money is involved...it brings the worst out in people.

He’s visited the house and taken only this picture as his memento of his family, as it was painted by his great grandfather, and told his other siblings that’s what he was doing, the brother she gets on with has let the op know, and she’s kicked off as she wants it and feels she’s entitled to it.

I wonder whether the OP has actually ever told her siblings that she would really like to have the painting. She seems just to have assumed it should be hers because she named her son after the artist ...

It's hard, breaking up the elements of what has been the house you grew up in - the familiar sofa or light, or grandfather clock, or paintings. Siblings need to agree with each other who will have what.

It's odd that they haven't already done so - although the difficulty of travelling over the last 2 years might be a reason.

I just can't help wondering whether the eldest brother simply has no idea of the attachment the OP feels to the painting. Has the OP ever said anything? He can't read her mind ...

Because otherwise, the OP just comes across as spoilt & entitled, and assuming that it hers, without any discussion.

So your siblings have been more succesful in life than you financially, and so they should receive less of an inheritance? So if they had failed financially, they would get a bigger share? So they should be penalised for their success? And you looked after your parents and spent time with them to ensure you got the biggest share, or at least because you thought you were going to, not just because you loved your parents and were available to do that? I mean, if it WAS just out of love, it wouldn't come into your argument about you getting more money. And let's face it, if your very rich siblings with money to spare haven't helped you with your financial struggles before now, I doubt they are suddenly going to be all generous over their legitimate share of the inheritance!

OP the house and the will is a red herring in all of this

You have had many pieces of advice about how to stop your brother taking the painting out of the country. if you feel strongly enough you need to pick one of them.

The rest of it is fluff. sad fluff and fluff you are struggling with but it doesn't actually change what this comes down to the jointly owned picture that right now is in the hands of your brother with the intention to leave the country.

I’m so sorry to read your post OP. Your brother sounds awful. I wish you long life and may your mother’s memory be a blessing to you.

I can understand how it is disappointing for you that your brother has taken the painting but it might just be that he always liked it when your grandparents owned it and sees it as a link to his British childhood and one thing that is easily transportable to the States. It could also be that he did not realise at first how much it meant to you. I like the earlier suggestion of getting a good copy made as it means that you would still have the pleasure of the pictu

*picture

@helpmecanhardlybreathe
You DO need help...asap.
Your post shows huge bitterness and entitlement. You keep on about religion, funeral and the stonesetting and the hatred and jealousy towards your brothers is truly horrible.
Just get on with your own life and stop comparing your life with theirs. They have earned their money and you have 'earned' the standard of living you now have. If it's not as much as they have, who is to blame? Are your brothers to blame for doing well in life? Your envy if their lifestyles is eating away at you. Not a good idea. Enjoy your own family and stop looking over the fence (so to speak) and making comparisons with your brothers.