Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

423 replies

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 26/03/2022 18:45

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. Sad So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. Sad So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again. Sad

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 09:49

@expat101 - the situation you describe does not merit the term 'also' as it is nothing like my situation.

In this situation, one person and one person only - db1 - tried to and succeeded in getting my dm to change the terms of a will to benefit himself.

We DID have a round table call to discuss items before db1 arrived and it was during the second one of these - once he'd arrived and was at the house - that db3 revealed this bombshell, that db1 had already removed and wrapped up the picture. Even though this was on the list of items to discuss. (We'd already discussed furniture and many other items, but had run out of time to discuss the family pictures.)

So what you're saying makes no sense - sorry your family experienced a completely different but also frustrating situation re inheritance. But it is pretty much the complete reverse of the situation in this case.

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 09:56

@ExMachinaDeus - what??

So many inaccurate and random guesses about me and my family. I have no idea why you think I would object to my db living abroad? Weird assumption. All my dbs have lived abroad and I did very briefly. I'm glad he's happy there.

Funnily enough, as the only woman (I'm far from a 'girl', thank you Hmm), I haven't found my life 'cossetted' while my dbs did all the caring and looked after me. As in most families, as the only female, I've ended up doing the bulk of the caring for my dps (db3 has thankfully also helped).

This assumption that women are generally spoiled and get better treatment in a family of men is a strange take for a women's forum - you might want to hang out more in FWR or the Relationships board if you really think that's the case. Hmm

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:02

@Dasher789

I really feel for you op as your obviously going through a hard time. As far as I'm aware though, I'm England, parents can disinherit their children so you would always had to share the inheritance regardless of who was more successful. Regarding the painting, it seems like you and 1 other dB both want it and the other 2dbs don't want it and don't care enough about who has it to do anything so there was always going to be a disappointed party and sadly, its you. Not sure what you can do, if anything but I hope you get to keep some kind of moment Flowers
Assume the 'can' above was meant to be 'can't'?

In the UK, of course anyone can leave their money to whomever they choose. There is no legal requirement to leave any of it to children. Or to all children equally.

My dm inherited nothing from her dm - that's WHY we got the picture this thread is about, because she left everything to her grandchildren, and passed by my dm altogether.

People often leave their inheritance to charities, or to one child only or to a new partner etc etc. It's perfectly legal and normal.

Do you live outside the UK?? Certainly this is not the case in the UK - just read all the cases where wills are disputed to find that out. Confused

OP posts:
EthelTheAardvark · 27/03/2022 10:03

As you'd know if you'd bothered to read the thread, the picture in question has very little financial value. But huge sentimental value. So selling it would be pointless - it would realise very little and we'd lose the only painting by our great-grandfather

Why on earth would we sell it?

You have RTFT, haven't you?

Yes, I have read the thread, OP. I was simply telling you what the legal position usually is when people can't agree about jointly owned goods. What you don't seem to have read was the part of my post where I pointed out that it was open to one of the beneficiaries to buy the item in question from the estate, and the proceeds are then shared. If more than one person wanted it, either they could share it or it could go to the highest bidder.

You do realise that you don't exactly keep people's sympathies if you are so rude to posters who simply make factual statements that don't accord with what you want to hear?

cantbecoping · 27/03/2022 10:09

So you wanted the house AND the painting because you are poorer than your siblings under the guise that was what your mother wanted. You tried to intervene, make her see how the others would feel etc but she was adamant that poor little you were entitled to it all because you were not as successful as your siblings and were renting while DB lives in a penthouse. A PENTHOUSE I tells you! You need that money moooooooore than all of the put together.
Yawn. Your mother had 4 children. 4. You are no more special than any one of them. Your life choices do not render you more deserving to inherit the whole house whilst the others get nothing. In what universe is fair? Little chickens have come home to roost now and greediness and grabbiness and your selfish sense of entitlement have bitten you in the butt. So instead of getting the whole gaff and the painting all for your little self you not have a quarter of the house and no painting.
Funny how the universe works..

cantbecoping · 27/03/2022 10:11

*now

Ipadflowers · 27/03/2022 10:11

Op, you’re so so angry about the fact everything wasn’t left to you personally that it’s going to poison your life. For your sake I hope you can move on and try to accept that your mother chose to split her estate equally amongst all her children, whom I’m sure she loved equally, irrelevant of your own views on them.

Nothing has been stolen from you. You can’t have something stolen from you that was never yours. There was never an entitlement here to her house, and no matter what your mother said, she made her decision clear in her will, she wished it split between her four children.

As hard as that is for you and as disappointing as you find it that you didn’t get the lot, you need to try to accept it and move on and you and your partner need to focus on your own financial security.

MacaroniBaloney · 27/03/2022 10:13

My take away from this thread is that you were very happy to be the sole beneficiary of your DMs estate and leave DBs out, but are outraged at the thought of a DB daring to take a picture.
You sound very grabby, but are wrapping it up in family ties and sentiment.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:16

@Ivyonafence - I have 'let the house issue go' in that I have no plans to challenge the will.

However, this issue with the picture has brought all the hurt back about db1 behaving immorally and arguably illegally to get possessions/money he wasn't entitled to. And the deep pain all this caused my dm.

If it wasn't for the fact that we would probably lose more to lawyers that we would stand to gain, I would take him to court over blackmailing my dm, as there were countless witnesses to my dm talking about this, and blackmailing someone to demand they change their will is clearly illegal.

Walking off with 100% of an item that is left to 4 people collectively without the permission of the other 3 people who own it is also illegal.

And to anyone who defends him on this thread, shame on you for supporting elder abuse and blackmail and theft.

There is no justification for that. None.

OP posts:
cantbecoping · 27/03/2022 10:18

Blackmailing your Mum to not giving everything to you?? Ha ha ok.

Cravingsweets · 27/03/2022 10:21

Completely off topic but it's a shame that certain religions teach that those left behind can influence what happens to the soul of the deceased. It creates a great opportunity for bribery an coercion, and probably causes people immense fear.

The fair thing to do as far as the picture goes is to have a look into having it recreated. I'm sure there are companies who specialise in that. It's not ideal, but you would at least still have the picture to look at.

Nah, thanks. Having had most of my inheritance stolen by a blackmailing sibling I don't feel there's a lot I need to consider about how 'unreasonable' I've been

This doesn't show you in a great light. He didn't steal any inheritance from you. Had he coerced your mum into leaving him more than a quarter share then I might have some sympathy. But a will spilt four ways (no matter what she told you) is fair.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:21

@MacaroniBaloney

My take away from this thread is that you were very happy to be the sole beneficiary of your DMs estate and leave DBs out, but are outraged at the thought of a DB daring to take a picture. You sound very grabby, but are wrapping it up in family ties and sentiment.
That's your takeaway.

My takeaway is that the idea of my inheriting the house was my dm's and I am devastated at the pain my dm went through, being blackmailed and not allowed to carry out what her wishes with regard to her own will.

That you view it the way you do is revealing about you and your priorities, certainly, but nothing more. You support blackmail and elder abuse. OK. Good to know. Hmm

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:23

@cantbecoping

Blackmailing your Mum to not giving everything to you?? Ha ha ok.
Seriously? You think an abusive child who blackmails his elderly parent should be required to get an equal share in an inheritance??

Thankfully, English law does not agree with you. At all.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 27/03/2022 10:24

@Dasher789 - I don't think you were rude. I think the Original Poster has been rude to some who have replied. I understand she's grieving, but it's uncalled for.

helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:26

@cantbecoping

So you wanted the house AND the painting because you are poorer than your siblings under the guise that was what your mother wanted. You tried to intervene, make her see how the others would feel etc but she was adamant that poor little you were entitled to it all because you were not as successful as your siblings and were renting while DB lives in a penthouse. A PENTHOUSE I tells you! You need that money moooooooore than all of the put together. Yawn. Your mother had 4 children. 4. You are no more special than any one of them. Your life choices do not render you more deserving to inherit the whole house whilst the others get nothing. In what universe is fair? Little chickens have come home to roost now and greediness and grabbiness and your selfish sense of entitlement have bitten you in the butt. So instead of getting the whole gaff and the painting all for your little self you not have a quarter of the house and no painting. Funny how the universe works..
Isn't it good that a random stranger on the internet knows better what my dm should have done with her money than she did, eh.

This is what my dm said to me as the justification for wanting to leave the house to me.

What a shame she didn't have the benefit of your free 'opinion' on her choices when she was writing her will, eh.

OP posts:
helpmecanhardlybreathe · 27/03/2022 10:28

@EthelTheAardvark

As you'd know if you'd bothered to read the thread, the picture in question has very little financial value. But huge sentimental value. So selling it would be pointless - it would realise very little and we'd lose the only painting by our great-grandfather

Why on earth would we sell it?

You have RTFT, haven't you?

Yes, I have read the thread, OP. I was simply telling you what the legal position usually is when people can't agree about jointly owned goods. What you don't seem to have read was the part of my post where I pointed out that it was open to one of the beneficiaries to buy the item in question from the estate, and the proceeds are then shared. If more than one person wanted it, either they could share it or it could go to the highest bidder.

You do realise that you don't exactly keep people's sympathies if you are so rude to posters who simply make factual statements that don't accord with what you want to hear?

I was trying to point out this solution makes no sense in this case, where we're talking about something of huge sentimental but little financial value.

I'm probably not at my my most patient now, no. A thread of people supporting blackmail and elder abuse does that to you.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 27/03/2022 10:31

He blackmailed her you claim.

But at one point he was getting 1/4 and you 3/4. You claim he blackmailed her again. But he didn't gain from that. Your other brothers did. So you are claiming he blackmailed her on your 2 other brothers account?

It sounds more like he was insistent that she treat all her children the same. Because getting 1/4 wasn't his aim the 2nd time. He already had that.

There's a huge difference in 'if you don't leave me a fair share in your will I will not pray for you and your soul will not rest' and "favouring one child is not fair and unless you treat a of your equally, I am done and don't think I will attend your funeral"

The 2nd sounds more like someone who is entirely fed up of one child being favoured.

There's nuance to everything.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 10:34

How on earth can a painting be split.

Each of you just have as much right as the other so he hasnt stolen anything by taking it.

Ipadflowers · 27/03/2022 10:34

I’d agree. Even if he did blackmail her he didn’t do it to benefit himself he did it so all children were treated equally. And if your other brothers are so in agreement with you as you’re saying, then why aren’t they just giving you their share? It would have the same effect really. You’d just be missing the final quarter.

MacaroniBaloney · 27/03/2022 10:34

I fail to see how DB requesting an equal split in the division of DMs estate could be seen as black mail and/or elder abuse.

You say you're over it, and this is just about a painting when it's clearly not.

cantbecoping · 27/03/2022 10:37

What a shame she didn't have the benefit of your free 'opinion' on her choices when she was writing her will, eh

What a blessing she didn't listen to whatever poor mouth you put on when she originally decided to leave it all to you and leave her other kids out.

Justice prevailed. And all is good in the world. You reap what you sow. Enjoy your quarter of the gaff now :)

Rainbowshit · 27/03/2022 10:38

It seems from me that your brother probably has a better case to accuse you of blackmail and elder abuse. He wanted it to be split fairly between all of the siblings whereas you wanted it all for yourself. 🤔

Ipadflowers · 27/03/2022 10:43

I think if he needed the money and was blackmailing to get it all for himself the op would have a point, but as he didn’t need the money, and all he did was ensure the will was split evenly between all children it’s hard to see. Especially since the other brothers apparently vehemently agree with the op, don’t need the money but don’t seem to be giving it to her, which doesn’t indicate they agree at all it should all be hers.

cantbecoping · 27/03/2022 10:47

@Ipadflowers

I think if he needed the money and was blackmailing to get it all for himself the op would have a point, but as he didn’t need the money, and all he did was ensure the will was split evenly between all children it’s hard to see. Especially since the other brothers apparently vehemently agree with the op, don’t need the money but don’t seem to be giving it to her, which doesn’t indicate they agree at all it should all be hers.
This.
RenovationNightmare · 27/03/2022 10:48

You have not ‘let the house go’ - that is clear from the comments in your posts.
Your db1 didn't try and succeed in getting your 'dm to change the terms of a will to benefit himself' [as you've said several times]; he tried and succeed in getting your dm to change the terms of her will to benefit ALL of her children.
And rightly so.
Wanting the house to be split between all four of you is not blackmail or elder abuse.
If your other db's choose to give your their share then that is up to them. If - as you claim - they were fine about her decision to leave you the entire house, then I'm sure they will sign over their share to you.
The painting is another matter [but you are no more deserving than db1 regardless of the letters or the name of your child].
However badly your db1 has behaved over the painting, the funeral and thereafter, from your posts you do not come out of this looking good.
Greif is very difficult to work through, get therapy and you may be able to gain some perspective.

Swipe left for the next trending thread