Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

[helpmecanhardlybreathe]

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again.

@ExMachinaDeus

Yes, in rereading I think the op maybe in her fifties

OP sounds about 20 to me. Quite juvenile.

I think a lot of people are thinking this is a young woman maybe late twenties, with young kids, struggling financially, who needs her parents to to financially provide for her, but looking at the timelines I think this is a middle aged woman with older kids and her brothers are likely retired. I could be wrong but it’s highly unlikely soneone whose parents were elderly and whose brothers bought houses in the eighties is a young woman.

Maybe I misread it but it was just to show there are different things you can do if you get a probate solicitor involved. Thanks for pointing out. Me I would rather have one more day to sit and chat to my mum than even owning the Mona Lisa..was pointing out some people grieve and some people are greedy I've since found out there is a trust fund which my sister is trustee.my lovely brother has spent so much time trying to get her to part with his share originally he was adamant anything he was left he would donate to the cats home. Me I've spent weeks trying to get the ashes from the Funeral Directors and finally got them in time for mothers day

It's unusual for someone to leave different amounts to their children and it invariably causes bad feelings, so I I think you should let that go. But go get that picture. Invite yourself round for tea, take a friend and sneak it out. My Grandmother and her sister were left a set of encyclopaedias by their father in the early 80s. We still laugh about some cloak and dagger stuff where my brother and I were set up to provide a diversion while my Nanna hauled the books into her boot. She thought she had a stronger claim to them. Possession is 9/10 of the law.

Your brother did not steal your inheritance. There is no "victim blaming" on this thread. You are not a victim.

I strongly believe that parents should treat their children equally WRT wills and inheritances. Your mother evidently believed something similar. If you don't agree, then you can make a different choice with your own will.

And the way to decide what to do with the painting is not majority rule, it is consensus. That is the only fair approach. Obviously, your brother should not unilaterally decide that the painting is his. Nor should you.

@TheWatersofMarch

It's unusual for someone to leave different amounts to their children and it invariably causes bad feelings, so I I think you should let that go. But go get that picture. Invite yourself round for tea, take a friend and sneak it out. My Grandmother and her sister were left a set of encyclopaedias by their father in the early 80s. We still laugh about some cloak and dagger stuff where my brother and I were set up to provide a diversion while my Nanna hauled the books into her boot. She thought she had a stronger claim to them. Possession is 9/10 of the law.

They hate eachother. She can't just invite herself in to where he is.

Especially if he has left to go back to the US.

OP there is a great deal of anger in your posts an it seems to be really hard for you to hear that many people think the estate should always have been split between the 4 siblings. I guess you see things differently and that's OK as everyone is entitled to their view, but perhaps you do need to accept that the majority view is that it is best not to try and be 'fair' in any way other than equal division.

My thoughts were that you are not close to your brother so actually you don't know his financial situation. Perhaps he is harder up than you know. He may well be too proud to tell you of his struggles if there are any.

You say that he blackmailed your mum and by that think you refer to his saying that he would not attend her funeral or do the prayers if she left him out of her will (which was essentially what was being suggested even if his child got 1/4 share). My belief is that, without being there, it's really hard to know whether others would see this as blackmail or would see it has him possibly saying that "if you did disinherit me I would be so upset I think I would struggle to come to the funeral/ do prayers". I can see how being left out of a will would cause this level of hurt.

You have obviously tried not to directly influence your mother in her will making but there can still have been indirect ways in which you did so and that might be hard for your brother to have witnessed. Even repeated sharing of your financial woes can be seen as influencing your mother, it doesn't have to just be saying 'I want you to leave me more'.

In terms of the painting - such a difficult situation if everyone wants the painting. I don't think a majority vote is definitely the way to go. Other options could include copies or having some time to enjoy it each (5 years each and pass on for example).Your version of how to decide who has it, whilst having some validity cannot be taken as the only want to decide and I think would cause bad feeling if it was presented in that way.

Ultimately you and your brother do not get on and that is difficult. What you can work on is the communication between you which seems to have broken down. I would guess there are years of family tensions and struggles to manage differing opinions which has fed into this. If there is anything you can do to ease the situation it may be in hearing how others see a situation and considering whether there is a different way to look at things than you currently are.

You need to go round to the Air b n B and have it out with him before he leaves.

@ChateauMargaux

Report it to the police and report it to customs at the airport he will leave from.

It's nothing to do with the Police or customs.

Your brother sounds like a bully. He bullied your mother into doing something she didn’t want to.

@Bambooshampoo

Your brother sounds like a bully. He bullied your mother into doing something she didn’t want to.

Only according to op, the DBs could say the same re the earlier will.

This happened to me, my brother and sister decided I was getting nothing BUT The Law said otherwise! They spent a lot of money trying to hear what they wanted to hear but the Law said no. Several Lawyers are richer now and the final insult was when he asked for a 3k loan when the law said I was getting as per the Will and wishes of my mother.

Sorry jointly is fair. Your issue if you haven’t done so good in life!

@dlizi4

This happened to me, my brother and sister decided I was getting nothing BUT The Law said otherwise! They spent a lot of money trying to hear what they wanted to hear but the Law said no. Several Lawyers are richer now and the final insult was when he asked for a 3k loan when the law said I was getting as per the Will and wishes of my mother.

Except that your example of your siblings, is what the OP was doing. She was trying to ensure that her siblings didnt have their fair share?

That's shocking Dliz. My mum is still very much with us thank god,but I can imagine my NC brother will do something very similar 🥺

Inheritance to dc should always be equal no matter what the circumstances

@Bellac11 so sorry - Was trying to point out that the law is the law also x

IMO, let it go. I have lost all my grandmothers things, they were stolen by my Mums ex, spirited away in the night, all sold, he also sold our house from under us, it was a hellish time, thanks to my Mum being very ill and weak she married a con man who was verrrry good at his game, it was extremely painful, but I soon realised people like that can't ever really be happy with their lot in life, but I could.

I shook it off, it took time, all my Nans rings, her jewellery, her beautiful home I had lived in since childhood, there was literally nothing I had, even our favourite little music box, he even stole our family bible, it used to hurt so much to know he made money on all those things, but in the end that was all they were.

But then my son got very ill, and it was the cliche of 'Ok, so not got much of value to my name, but I have the most gorgeous kids and loving husband and my boy is getting better.'
And I realised stuff was simply that...Stuff!
When you feel calmer, you could ask that your brother at least send you a decent quality photo of the painting, but whatever happens, you have your family, and your memories, and your health, anything else ain't worth the paper its printed on. x

Re the painting - maybe I don't understand how things work, but I thought that it was the executor's job to divide up the property, and that a beneficiary could not just help himself to a piece he wanted without the agreement of the executor (whose job is to divide it up fairly in accordance with the will). So while I could see DB1 putting in a claim for the painting (to be offset against other chattels of the DM), surely so could the OP, and then would it not be up to the executor to decide the appropriate allocation? Obviously if they were being grossly unfair then one of the beneficiaries could take them to court claiming breach of fiduciary duty - but assuming only one person can have the painting, then the executor would seem to have two choices a) allocate it to one beneficiary, or b) sell it (for whatever it is worth) and divide the money equally.
But until the executor makes that decision, I thought (and please correct me if I am wrong and do not understand the law), the executor effectively holds the legal title, and one beneficiary just taking it off to America would indeed be stealing it, they only have a quarter beneficial interest. In the same way as if one beneficiary out of four put the house on the market - if not the executor, they have no right to deal with the house. The executor is entitled to do that by virtue of being the executor, but not a mere beneficiary. What am I missing?

How did your sibling become a millionaire? Hard work? Everything should be equal regardless of circumstance. Siblings have private, individual relationships with parents. No child can trump another.

@Movingonup22

Honestly I’d just go and physically take it

You’ve abs much right to it as him and he’s hardy going to bother to take you to court over it

As much right.

Not more right. Neither of them has the right to single-handedly decide what is happening to the picture.

If the four siblings cannot decide, then the painting will be sold and the proceeds split. Or if it's valued at - say £10k - you will have to pay each of your siblings £2.5k if you want it for yourself.

@Wannago

Re the painting - maybe I don't understand how things work, but I thought that it was the executor's job to divide up the property, and that a beneficiary could not just help himself to a piece he wanted without the agreement of the executor (whose job is to divide it up fairly in accordance with the will). So while I could see DB1 putting in a claim for the painting (to be offset against other chattels of the DM), surely so could the OP, and then would it not be up to the executor to decide the appropriate allocation? Obviously if they were being grossly unfair then one of the beneficiaries could take them to court claiming breach of fiduciary duty - but assuming only one person can have the painting, then the executor would seem to have two choices a) allocate it to one beneficiary, or b) sell it (for whatever it is worth) and divide the money equally. But until the executor makes that decision, I thought (and please correct me if I am wrong and do not understand the law), the executor effectively holds the legal title, and one beneficiary just taking it off to America would indeed be stealing it, they only have a quarter beneficial interest. In the same way as if one beneficiary out of four put the house on the market - if not the executor, they have no right to deal with the house. The executor is entitled to do that by virtue of being the executor, but not a mere beneficiary. What am I missing?

The painting isn't part of the mum's estate. It was left to the four grandchildren by their grandmother a long time ago. I think the confusion arises from the fact it was displayed in their mum's house.

when my mother passed away, one of my sisters and I where executors of her will. I said nothing should be removed from the house unless we where all there and in agreement of what items we each would like to keep. Sisters rolled up without my brother and I and basically ransacked the house.

I haven't spoken to either since (18years).

If you can't get the painting from your brother then let him have it but make it known very loudly with siblings that you want/wanted that item, then cut all ties to them..

brother and I are still best of pals FYI

@Wannago - what the executor of the DM's will does is irrelevant re: the painting. The painting is not part of the DM's estate. It hung on the wall of her house, but had been left by the DM's mother to her four grandchildren some time ago.

Did OP say that there wasnt an executor?