Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

[helpmecanhardlybreathe]

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again.

For a jointly owned asset like this, assuming you can’t agree a shared ownership the only way forward is for you and your brother to bid against each other for the item. The highest bidder gets to keep it but the money is split between the others so that that all have benefited from the inheritance.

If your brother is much wealthier than you and if he really wants the painting then he may well outbid you (even if you think the painting has more sentimental value to you).

If that is the case then you should receive a share of money, but unfortunately he still gets to keep the painting.

Who cared for the parent more means zilch unless the parents.do cut that child out

@Rainbowshit

It seems from me that your brother probably has a better case to accuse you of blackmail and elder abuse. He wanted it to be split fairly between all of the siblings whereas you wanted it all for yourself. 🤔

Good point

I think I'd want the opinion of the siblings who are just staying silent tbh. I'd bet it would be a different story. This could be a tale of a person manipulating their parent and getting the kybosh put on it and that person is pissed off because they mega put the time in.

It's good everyone is getting thei fair share. Maybe take a photo of the picture as he got to it first.

I've read the whole thread.

My thoughts are that the right decision was made regarding the house being split 4 ways. No one is more entitled than anyone rise, and to suggest that comes across greedy and entitled.

I think, OP, that is why everyone is piling on you.

Regarding the painting, why on earth did you all let him take this with him? Why did no one contact the executor of the will? Or have a family discussion in advance?

How long has the painting just been hanging in your dps house? Presumably at least a year as you stated your mum died in lockdown?

Would it not have crossed your mind to take/borrow the painting before now, letting your siblings know? Something along the lines of "Hope you guys don't mind, but I really like the painting, snd can't stand the fact it's sitting in an empty house just now. I've brought it round to mine for the time being, and once we are all together we can discuss the paintings future".

Perhaps your brother didn't realise it had sentimental value to you considering it's been hanging in an empty house all this time.?

In any event, you aren't automatically entitled to this either, just because your D's shares a name with the artist.

I think you need to let it go now.

Report it to the police and report it to customs at the airport he will leave from.

@ChateauMargaux

Report it to the police and report it to customs at the airport he will leave from.

He owns it (jointly with others)

You are angry and grieving. Grief is strange in that people can and do become very angry. To me, it sounds like you’re focusing on one thing and on your brother. I’m sorry for your losses, I really am. It sounds like you loved your parents dearly. Have you had any bereavement counselling? I think it would help you process some feelings.

Don’t report it to the police. In the nicest possible way, you will look eccentric if you do, plus why would you waste police time on a civil matter? Your brother part-owns the painting.

I’m sorry for your loss (of your mother, not the painting). It must be very difficult. Having read the full thread what jumps out (and a PP referenced this too) is the extent to which you appear to have built your life and personality around your family’s heritage, represented by this painting. Translating your great grandfather’s ww1 letters, naming your son after him, etc. I think that is why you are disproportionately upset over your brother having taken it. As in, he’s taken a piece of you away, not just the physical picture.

In your shoes, I would let it go. There’s no good solution to this. Get some grief counselling and try to move on. Don’t carry hatred of your brother around with you, because to repeat the old saying, that’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Op, can I ask, how old are you please? And how old are your kids? Are you perhaps in your fifties?

I think a lot of people have been really horrible and forgotten that you're grieving for your mum. Having this still going on so long after she passed must be incredibly painful. I think you'd have had a lot more sympathy if you'd presented the issue as one of your brothers has taken something abroad (stolen) that belonged to all 4 of us without talking about it. That essentially what he's done. And that's not ok.

In terms of the painting its now as good as gone. I like the idea of hiring an artist to make a copy. But do you have his letters still? Arguably they are far more personal - his own thoughts written down by his own hand. Can you come to terms with the loss of the painting by securing the letters?

Young lady, I suggest you get some therapy! You sound absolutely deluded!

How patronising.

My takeaway is that the idea of my inheriting the house was my dm's and I am devastated at the pain my dm went through, being blackmailed and not allowed to carry out what her wishes with regard to her own will.

Devastated at your mother’s pain, and yet you still keep referring to your brother stealing your inheritance.

Maybe you should have stood up to him when your mother was alive, then you could have had all the inheritance all to yourself.

How patronising.

But not wrong.

@Iloveyourbracelet

I think a lot of people have been really horrible and forgotten that you're grieving for your mum. Having this still going on so long after she passed must be incredibly painful. I think you'd have had a lot more sympathy if you'd presented the issue as one of your brothers has taken something abroad (stolen) that belonged to all 4 of us without talking about it. That essentially what he's done. And that's not ok.

In terms of the painting its now as good as gone. I like the idea of hiring an artist to make a copy. But do you have his letters still? Arguably they are far more personal - his own thoughts written down by his own hand. Can you come to terms with the loss of the painting by securing the letters?

I think the problem is that sometimes people create problems for themselves at times of stress. Too many people do focus on the 'inheritance' and being hard done by which is stressful if they actually believe that, they put themselves in a victim position

As you point out, this is quite a long time after she passed

People are applying a bit of logic to that and pointing out the fairness of the situation.

I'd be amazed quite frankly if all the brothers didnt think that OP was being unreasonable and graspy, hence why they probably havent kickedup a stink about the painting travelling with the older brother, its half theirs as well.

I’m not sure, but I don’t think thr op is young. As her parents were elderly I suspect this is a middle aged woman. Could be wrong. But I don’t think this is a young woman.

What are you going to do about all the contents? If it’s an entire house you can’t possibly have group consent item by item? When my granddad died we all said what we felt strongly about (I wanted his carved handled umbrella!) and came to an agreement. The rest was sold or charity shopped.

Yes, in rereading I think the op maybe in her fifties and the brothers sixties and maybe even seventies, the brothers all bought houses in the eighties so possibly up to forty years ago, and her mother was elderly when she passed.

I’m not sure if the op will confirm, but the timings indicate this is an older middle aged woman with possibly retired brothers.

When read in that light though is does make it very different.

People are applying a bit of logic to that and pointing out the fairness of the situation

I agree the inheritance was correct to have been split 4 ways. I don't think a grieving woman deserves all the vitriol and spite she's been given here. There's a difference between pointing out what's fair and calling the op nasty names when she's trying to deal with a very emotional and difficult situation. She hasn't posted on AIBU but people are responding as though she has. Although even if she had posted on aibu, that's still no excuse for people to be a dick.

@Iloveyourbracelet

People are applying a bit of logic to that and pointing out the fairness of the situation

I agree the inheritance was correct to have been split 4 ways. I don't think a grieving woman deserves all the vitriol and spite she's been given here. There's a difference between pointing out what's fair and calling the op nasty names when she's trying to deal with a very emotional and difficult situation. She hasn't posted on AIBU but people are responding as though she has. Although even if she had posted on aibu, that's still no excuse for people to be a dick.

I admit to not reading the whole thread and she shouldnt be called names.

I think it is true that there is delusional thinking from the OP though and she needs to recognise that and work on it. Its not healthy for her.

It’s interesting that your other brothers actually largely keep out of your issues with you db1. They’re agreeing with you when you rant to them, but they’re not challenging him on his actions or backing you up to him, are they? Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if they do the same to your db1 in regards to what he says about you. Sometimes it’s better to make a sympathetic face and nod rather than offer a conflicting view and invite the inevitable shitstorm. They have two high conflict siblings, I bet they just want to keep their heads down and keep out of it as much as possible.

I don’t think your brother blackmailed your mother at all. If he felt hurt at the will be was within his right to say ‘if you wash your hands of me in this way, then I’m cutting ties’. That isn’t blackmail, that’s consequences. He didn’t try and get the whole house, he wanted it split four ways, equally between all siblings. Your mother had a choice here, and ultimately she decided to change the will back to an equal split. He didn’t steal anything from you, because the house was never yours to steal.

The fact that he has more financially than you is irrelevant. He made choices that shaped his life, as did you. You having less does not mean he’s obliged to make it up to you.

The sentimental value of the painting is also irrelevant. Sentimentality isn’t something that can be quantitatively measured, and you cannot prove it means more to you than it does him. Again, it’s not majority rule where you and your other brothers can force him to relinquish his stake. He’s already taken it and not been challenged, but the only way you could correctly resolve it is to have it valued and either buy him out or sell. It’s a shame you didn’t propose that, as given that it’s of little financial value, you may very well have found yourself in the position to buy it back and possess it in its entirety.

I know it's still completely unfair, but if it's too late to get it back, could he at least get professional prints done of it for each sibling and each grandchild?

In the 18 months you have had access to the painting, did it not occur to you that it might be a little unfair that one of the four of you had no access to it? Why not contact the executor or the American brother before its taken out of the country and get something down in writing to share it by rotation? eg each of you have it for 18 months or 2 years or whatever each. Sort out postage and insurance costs. These things tend to fizzle out but if you cherish it enough then you can take responsibility and ensure that it doesn't.

Because you're actually doing nothing and it hasn't even left the country yet.

As for the house, it reflects the original will, which was completely fair in dividing it between the 4 children equally. Then it was changed and then changed again and now its been changed back to the original will which reflects a long standing intention of your mother. I really cannot see the problem here. Its as fair as fair can get. You haven't said how much the house is worth but you will be getting a large lump sum when its sold. Which is a lot more than many of us have got in life.

I think its a good idea to see if it can be repainted, then you'll have to decide who holds the original