Brother stealing my inheritance - so upset can hardly think straight

[helpmecanhardlybreathe]

I'm the youngest of 4 dcs, with 3 older dbs.

My df passed away a few years ago, my dm about a year and a half ago. My df left most stuff, including the house, far and away the biggest asset, to my dm. She originally wrote a will that left everything to her 4 dcs equally. However, as my 3 much older dbs all own their own (very expensive) property, and only the oldest db has a dc, who's a doctor, so not likely to be short of cash either, my dm decided to change her will, to leave the house to me, as I have 3 dcs and we still rent, and have never been able to afford to buy a place of our own, due to house prices shooting up in recent years.

I know she was very worried about our financial security. I think she also wanted to leave the house to me, as it was me and my youngest db (who is a millionaire and doesn't need the money at all) who looked after her and my df in their old age. My eldest db, who lives in the US, didn't bother to visit at all in the last decade or so, and would only agree to come if my dps agreed to pay for him to fly first class (yes, really). He never called on the phone either - she called him and spoke to him maybe twice a year.

Anyway, she made the mistake of telling db1 she wanted to change her will and he kicked off. So she changed her will instead to leaving everything to be split equally between her 4 grandchildren, assuming he'd be ok with that, as his family would still get a quarter share. But he was furious, and basically blackmailed her into changing her will back again to leave it to all 4 of her dcs equally - he told her if she didn't, he would not attend her funeral or say the prayers for the dead that are crucial in my religion.

She was incredibly upset by this - she told literally everyone, must have heard her say this hundreds of times. It's like she wanted to apologise to me for not leaving me the house, and make it clear that she wanted to leave it to me, but was too scared of my db to change her will again. She did resist when he demanded to be made an executor - that was given to db3. I should add that db2 keeps out of all this, not particularly materialistic, no dcs, financially comfortable.

Anyway, when my dm passed away, it was lockdown, so in practice it would have been very difficult for db1 to attend the funeral (not that he tried). A year later, in my religion, is the stonesetting, which is also a very important religious event. Despite having blackmailed my dm into rewriting her will or he wouldn't attend the funeral, not only did he not attend the funeral or stonesetting, which he could have attended, he couldn't even be bothered to dial in via Zoom to attend it that way. He was going on holiday somewhere else instead.

He's now finally bothered to fly with his family over to the UK - which he couldn't be bothered to do when my dm was alive, or to attend her funeral or stonesetting - to take stuff he wants from the house before it's sold.

I just heard he's wrapped up to take a picture that wasn't left in my dps' wills, it belongs jointly to me and my 3 dbs as it was left to us by my grandma. It's painted by my great-grandpa (my dm's grandpa), who my ds is named after. Again, it's something that my dm said hundreds of times she wanted me to have, knowing how important this great-grandpa is in my family. My db1 claims he should have it because he likes it and it used to hang in 'his' room (we only inherited it a decade after he moved to the US!). He has so little interest in our family history he couldn't be bothered to see his dps, or attend my dm's funeral or stonesetting.

I'm just so upset - it's not enough that he blackmailed my poor dm into changing her will, he's now walking off with precious family heirlooms that are shared by all my siblings! I've said he has no right to take it as it belongs to all of us, and his answer is basically, 'Tough, I want it. I don't to discuss it further. I'm taking it.'

He'll be flying back to the US with it in a few days and I feel like I'm being stabbed - so upset. Is there anything I can do? He's just ignoring everyone's wishes except his own. I know db3 thinks I should have the picture but will almost certainly want to avoid a family row. Db2 will likewise want to keep out of it. I'm just so angry and upset.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do, or can just calm me down so I'm not hurting so much, that would be appreciated. Just can't believe anyone would behave like this. So upset that my dm's wishes are being ridden roughshod over again. So sad that this precious heirloom will go to the US, to people who care nothing about it, and we'll never see it again.

@EthelTheAardvark

How else do you agree what happens when you've all jointly inherited a painting. Assuming we don't follow the wisdom of Solomon and cut it into 4 quarters, what else could we do but take a majority vote?

What would usually happen is that the item in question would be sold and the proceeds divided equally between you. If one of you wanted to buy it, fine.

As you'd know if you'd bothered to read the thread, the picture in question has very little financial value. But huge sentimental value. So selling it would be pointless - it would realise very little and we'd lose the only painting by our great-grandfather.

Why on earth would we sell it?

You have RTFT, haven't you?

Anyway, many thanks to all the posters who offered kind words and/or helpful suggestions.

I felt like I'd been stabbed earlier, was so grief-stricken. Feel a little calmer now.

It's just nonsense to say I 'seem largely unconcerned about this' i.e. the religious aspect. I don't think my db is the only one who can say prayers, but I was anything but 'unconcerned' about how much the threat of his not attending the funeral and saying prayers distressed her.

I did read the whole thread.

I don't mean that you are unconcerned that your DB failed to live up to his promises. It seems clear that you are.

I also accept that your mother was highly distressed by the thought that your DB1 would not say the right prayers and that her eternal soul could be at risk if he didn't. Right? Because if she didn't genuinely believe that him not saying the prayers would have a real consequence, then his threat to not say them is empty. Meaningless. Nothing bad actually happens if he doesn't say them.

But he hasn't said them. (Or if he has, that doesn't seem clear in the thread.) So your mother's eternal soul is presumably suffering the consequence of this.

But you don't seem clear to me whether you're worried about your DB not doing as he said because you actually believe your mother's soul is suffering in hell as a result of that failure, or whether you're upset because he didn't do what he said he would and that seems wrong to you, even though you don't think it will result in an eternal consequence of suffering for your mother's soul.

Tell him that since it belongs to all 4 of you he has to buy the rest of you out of your shares if he wants to take it. Since it is a priceless family heirloom, the best you can do is value it at 4 million, so he owes each of you 1million or it stays in your country where 3 of you reside until a better decision can be made.

I'm so sorry to read what an utter fucker your oldest brother is.

I totally understand your feelings - he's behaving like a selfish arse, purely because he can and because he knows it will upset you.
I don't know if your religion allows for it, but I'd cut him off from now on - he's no good for you in any way. Grasping bastard.

Sadly there is little that you can do. If the executor has no grounds on which to prevent him taking it, then he can't be legally stopped. This is why Wills are so important in their detail (and even then you sometimes can't stop people going against them!)

I'm sorry for your loss, which has now been compounded by your brother's foul behaviour - do you at least have a photograph of the painting?

It's not just about siblings though is it and granchildren.

Your brother probably thinks why should his BIL benefit from his mother's death whilst he and his brothers get nothing.

It must have hurt your mother being essentially disowned by your brother by threats, but thankfully it did make her make the right decision, a decision you state you actually agree with so the 'brother has stolen my inheritance' seems strange.

I understand your annoyance at the painting.

Otherwise it is just stealing.

Report him to the police then?

I realise my last comment may have come off as harsh but what I'm trying to get you to recognise is that you cannot rely on your DB1 to behave like a civilised human being.

He is a bully and untrustworthy and you've known this for years and yet for some reason you seem to keep expecting him to behave differently. This refusal to see him for what he is and respond accordingly is exactly how he keeps getting away with it.

Your other DB had his number when he said you should take the painting first or DB1 would. You didn't have to keep it for yourself but you could have put it into safekeeping until the question of ownership was resolved.

Is it possible that your DB who is in charge of the execution of the will can withhold the disbursal of funds from the sale of the house until the question of the painting's ownership is resolved?

The way to deal with bullies is to speak to them in a language they understand.

Isn't it up for majority vote?

No.

How else do you agree what happens when you've all jointly inherited a painting. Assuming we don't follow the wisdom of Solomon and cut it into 4 quarters, what else could we do but take a majority vote?

You sell it. It’s monetary value, or lack thereof, is ultimately irrelevant. You can’t force your brother to relinquish his stake, so you sell. Look at it this way, if it’s not expensive then why don’t sell it to a dealer and buy it back?

So yes, if 3 of us think it should go to me, it should go to me. If 2 of us think it should go to me and 1 doesn't, it should go to me. If it's 2 on each side, it should be discussed further, or shared or something. If the majority of people agree with db1, it should go to him.

Again, no. You may want it to work that way, but no. Again, if your brother doesn’t want to relinquish his quarter, he’s not obliged to.

I literally don't understand how you would sort this out fairly other than by a majority vote?

As above. By selling it and splitting the profit four ways.

I do not agree that the fairest solution is that a majority vote determines who should have the painting. Let's take your family, for instance. You already feel that your brother is a huge thief because he wants 1/4 of the estate when he is 1/4 of the siblings. That shows distorted thinking. If it were up to you and your siblings to dispose of the estate, he would get nothing or next to nothing. There is no reason why that should seem fair or agreeable to him, especially when you are not someone who seems to love or care for him. He would naturally see inheritance as a connection to his parent, not as a connection to you. I am sure that the house is full of other items that he is not wrapping up and taking. What about all of those things?? Has he demanded an itemized list and submitted a long list of demands for other items? He could make a pain in the ass of himself if he wanted to.

My MIL was also “encouraged” to change her (equally distributed to all offspring) will by her daughter, who claimed the other offspring were well off and not in need of further financial assistance via inheritance.

She also “encouraged” MIL to distribute a portion of household and private belongings to the grandchildren, of course the majority being hers.

She also stated that the overseas based offspring did not to assist MIL in her final months as she did, however without acknowledging 1. The offspring had offered, 2. The Daughter made it virtually impossible for the overseas offspring to be in regular contact, and when visiting, would ensure her adult children stayed nearby and had to be asked to leave MIL and offspring to themselves.

She also removed larger items from the home prior to MILs death and distributed them amongst her own and refused to honour her parents burial location wishes, keeping the ashes to herself.

So with that in mind, I was appalled to read your post, and it didn’t get much better the further I read, so I will just say this…

All offspring regardless of what they have done or not done in their private lives, are entitled to an equal portion of their parents estate upon death unless an earlier settlement occurred and while the parents were still of healthy minds and bodies. That is not blackmail. If an offspring feels they would prefer a sibling to receive their share, they can do this via private arrangement with the sibling.

They are also entitled to an equal say in how household belongings should be divided up. In the case of the picture, where more than one offspring wished to retain it, a copy could have been produced at the estate’s expense, or something else from the estate traded in lieu.

Your DB had limited amount of time to be visiting and I see no reason why all of you could not have had a round table or conference call, Skype whatever to sort out the mechanics of it all. You must have known it was likely to be of interest and seem to have ignored the matter until the picture was removed. In saying this, the household contents were also going to have to be removed and divided up, would it not have been better to initiate discussions before it came to this?

Moving forward, it’s quite likely your relationship with DB is now lost and I would choose my words to other relatives very wisely. Forget about what he may or may not have asset wise, it is none of your business.

In the meanwhile, contact him nicely and ask if he would obtain a copy of the painting for you as it is so special. Do you have the family photos by chance? Offer the same to all siblings. Get copies to them.

What is done is done, but you can still go someway to having a better outcome for all.

I really feel for you op as your obviously going through a hard time. As far as I'm aware though, I'm England, parents can disinherit their children so you would always had to share the inheritance regardless of who was more successful. Regarding the painting, it seems like you and 1 other dB both want it and the other 2dbs don't want it and don't care enough about who has it to do anything so there was always going to be a disappointed party and sadly, its you. Not sure what you can do, if anything but I hope you get to keep some kind of moment

*can't disinherit

Having had most of my inheritance stolen by a blackmailing sibling I don't feel there's a lot I need to consider about how 'unreasonable' I've been
You carry on about 'blackmail' but the more the thread goes on the more it becomes evident that your level of entitlement means that it is equally as plausible that you could have preyed on your dms emotions to get YOUR own way. After all, you took care of her so easy to whisper in her ear that you're the one that deserves it all.
I mean, it is suss that first of all, you were getting it all and then, as a backup, your kids were.
You also say you are only in the position you are because you are so much younger. I call BS but, if we go with that, then equally you may be too much younger to know what may have gone on between your brother and parents to cause the distant relationship they had.
As far as the painting goes, saying that YOU are the only one with a link to it because you named your child the same name? Surely even you can see how silly that is? For sure, it belongs to the 4 of you and a conversation should have been had. You don't seem someone easy to 'deal' with though so I'm wondering what has really happened 🤷‍♀️

We all make choices, you don't seem to be able to 'own' yours and recognise that you are in the position you are in due to them.

Get a solicitor to send him a letter.

He can't just take off with other peoples property

I'm struggling to understand how a painting can be left to more than one person? That really doesn't make any sense, especially when one of them lives in another country.

I'm sorry you are going through a tough time OP, but I agree that when parents die they should leave their estate equally to all their children, unless there is a very valid reason not to. What assets those children already have don't come into it.

Far from encouraging her to do this, I did the opposite - asked her how my dbs would feel about it/if it would be fair on them and as much as possible tried to shut down the conversation, because it felt absolutely inappropriate and uncomfortable having that conversation. I wanted my dm to live for as many more years as possible. I certainly didn't want to be discussing her will. And as a prospective heir, it felt inappropriate for me to express a view that might influence her decision.

And yet, you still feel he stole your inheritance. This painting isn't Inheritence. Your title is about the house.

He objected when the house was being left to you. But then he objected again when he was still getting 1/4 and you 3/4. This second objection got him nothing. He didn't gain. Seems to me his point was that it should be shared between the 4 of you. Not just about him gaining more. Your other Borthwick can give you their share and you still get the majority.

You said the above but then argue it would have been fine to give the house to just you, to assure your financial security. You then say the painting should be allocated by votes. It's easy to have those points of view, when it's you that should have gained.

No one had a relationship with the person. You chose to name your child after him and did the letters. They were choices and have nothing to do with Inheritence.

Your brother doesn't sound pleasant. And this painting shouldnt be taken like it was. But 18 months after your mum's death, it should have already been sorted. Since no one has really objected to him, he probably sees the situation as different.

If you are that convinced votes should have decided it, I dont understand why it wasn't already in your house.

It can be painful to hear, potentially, negative things about your parents. But it is likely your DB1 has a completely different view of these goings on and maybe even your parents.

Take the funeral as an example. How easy was it to get a flight from the US in late 2020, at short notice? Was there risk, from his point of view, that he would be able to get back home OR could be delayed. How many days in quarantine would have needed. Its unlikely that he would have got here and been able to attend. He may see it as entirely impossible to get here and attend. You see it as awful.

I suspect he views you as the golden child. The golden child very rarely even has a clue of the others point of view. He could be wrong about it, if an outsider observed your lives from the outside. But it's his point of view.

Different children can have very different POV of their parents. Often with neither child being entirely right or wrong.

Your point of view on this whole situation is quite confusing and definitely coloured by your love for your mum, understandably.

There's an big chance that both of your points of view are fair on somethings and not on others.

You could have stopped him taking the painting. At any point in the last 18 months, you could have taken the painting. You believe having 2 votes entitles you to it. There's lots you could be proactive about but you are not and keep going on about fairness and things being equal, when you are happy for unfairness and things not being equal if they suit you.

On the plus side, surely when he goes back the house is cleared you dont have to have anything to do with him at all, ever again.

Let the house issue go.

You're one of four children and you all received one fourth of the estate. That's fair. Wills shouldn't be an opportunity to cast moral judgement on each child's life choices. Your mother did the right thing splitting between you.

Your brother breaking a promise to his mother is between them. It doesn't involve you. It's painful but doesn't mean you're owed anything more. And as PPs said- children can have very different views of and relationships with their parents. You don't know his deal.

The painting was made by his ancestor as well. Just because he didn't recognise that link in an obvious outward way like you did (naming your child, translating letters etc) doesn't mean he doesn't have a link or that it doesn't matter to him.

He has taken off with something that is 1/4 yours and if you value it more than your relationship with DB or a peaceful life I suggest you get a lawyer to write him a letter asking for it to be returned/replicated at his expense.

He does sound selfish and a bully but I think your (rightful) disappointment in him is colouring your view of the estate and the painting.

If the painting meant so much to you, you would have made arrangements in relation to it. You had every opportunity.

You had months of time to take what you wanted. For all you know your DB had deep emotional connections to items you took out while he was unable to attend due to Covid. If that's the case I can see why he thinks you're being cheeky for following him up over one painting, which had been left.

Grief is horrible and family can be disappointing.

This thread is just awful.

Op, you say you didn’t try to coerce your mother and you didn’t wish it all left to you whilst actually saying your brother has stolen your inheritance as she chose to split her will four ways equally between her four Children. Your desperate level of want and entitlement is so high that irrelevant of what her actual will said you feel it was all yours and you were robbed.

So many families fall out when it comes to wills, it brings out the worst in some people and this is a prime example. This family is fractured for ever.

And the thought that the brothers are better off as you’re younger than them and that’s why you and your husband are in rented accommodation with three kids shows a total lack of any form of personal responsibility for your own choices.

If Db1 is taking something he doesn't own out of the country information custom's and the police. He will then have to prove ownership.
DB3 as the executor needs to pull his finger out and divide the estate .

Grief can be very complicated and sadly fracture sibling relationships. It sounds as though DB is a pain and him saying to your mother what he did, was cruel. However, you do seem to think you should have the majority, the house, the picture etc. I would ask a solicitor to write a letter asking for the painting back but there's no guarantee. If it wasn't in the estate, he's entitled to take it as much as you are. You naming your children after the painter is irrelevant. That was your choice. If you wanted it, why did you not take it before?

@Dasher789 - you absolutely can in England. You can leave everything to the cats' home if you wish. You can't in France which is why so many houses there go unoccupied for years as siblings who inherit can't agree on what should happen.

I posted yesterday - there are two sides to everything and we only have what the clearly very upset OP has posted to go on.

My view is that it is divisive to not split your estate equally between your children. Whatever your motives may be, it will likely forever taint the child who does not inherit equally's feelings about the parent(s) and potentially have long lasting consequences.

Yes the OP is grieving and is upset about the painting being taken by her brother, but that doesn't make it okay to be rude to posters who didn't agree with her.

Far from encouraging her to do this, I did the opposite - asked her how my dbs would feel about it/if it would be fair on them and as much as possible tried to shut down the conversation, because it felt absolutely inappropriate and uncomfortable having that conversation.

Oh that's great news. You wanted your DM to leave things equally, not just to you, and she did just that. Time to be pleased and not claim the house was stolen from you then!

@CheekyHobson

It's just nonsense to say I 'seem largely unconcerned about this' i.e. the religious aspect. I don't think my db is the only one who can say prayers, but I was anything but 'unconcerned' about how much the threat of his not attending the funeral and saying prayers distressed her.

I did read the whole thread.

I don't mean that you are unconcerned that your DB failed to live up to his promises. It seems clear that you are.

I also accept that your mother was highly distressed by the thought that your DB1 would not say the right prayers and that her eternal soul could be at risk if he didn't. Right? Because if she didn't genuinely believe that him not saying the prayers would have a real consequence, then his threat to not say them is empty. Meaningless. Nothing bad actually happens if he doesn't say them.

But he hasn't said them. (Or if he has, that doesn't seem clear in the thread.) So your mother's eternal soul is presumably suffering the consequence of this.

But you don't seem clear to me whether you're worried about your DB not doing as he said because you actually believe your mother's soul is suffering in hell as a result of that failure, or whether you're upset because he didn't do what he said he would and that seems wrong to you, even though you don't think it will result in an eternal consequence of suffering for your mother's soul.

Not sure why my religious views matter?

What matters is my dm's belief, and db1 exploiting this to blackmail her.

No, I don't share her religious views 100%, but that doesn't make her views any less real for her, or her pain any less.

I have no idea what point you're trying to make here?

@wearetheheroes apologies, you are right, I got mixed up with Scotland.

I agree with all you say in your post except that I didn't think my message was rude at all so apologies if it has been read this way. Completely unintended.

@helpmecanhardlybreathe I think it would be useful for you to reflect on the array of responses you’ve had here.

It’s interesting to see how your respond very differently to the posters whom you think are “on your side” and those who are not. Sometimes, when people give us feedback that we find difficult at a visceral level, it can tell us something about our conflict.

What I see from your posts is a much younger child, and the only girl, who has perhaps been cosseted as the baby by her parents and male siblings. And possibly someone who hasn’t fully separated from being “the baby” of the family - to the extent that you’re still expecting to be looked after and have your demands met - by your mother, and your brothers.

You seem also to derive a lot of your identity from your connections with your birth family and you also assume that this makes you more “deserving” of family resources.

You are deeply critical of your eldest brother’s choice to live in another country. your moral judgement of his decision seems disproportionate. You appear to justify your hatred of him by your moral judgment of his decision to live in the US.

I’d be really interested to read this story from your eldest brother’s point of view. Eldest children tend to have to carry large burdens in families, and obviously it’s eldest children on whom parents practice/learn their parenting. I’ve noticed in large families I know well, that eldest children are often extremely successful and hugely responsible people. They are the “pioneers” in their families. And I’ve also noticed that one response to being the “practice child” is a bit of distancing from their parents, when they become adults. It’s a way of resisting the burden of being the first all the time.

Whereas what I’ve also seen in families is the way parents are often more relaxed with their youngest. After 3 children, your parents will have been more relaxed and confident in their parenting. It is noticed by eldest children (the number of times I’ve had eldests say to me that their parents were far more liberal and generous to the youngest sibling in large families). And after 3 boys, maybe your mother was also really pleased to have a girl. Children notice these things, even if subliminally.