Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Is he in counseling at all?

I would encourage him to focus on getting a job and working on his mental health.

Is he able to work abroad or something like that?

genuinely am so confused how the distress you say it will cause you to use his preferred name and pronouns could be worse than the distress of losing him out of your life entirely. What could be worse than the distress of losing a child?

What would you like him to do? Ignore his feelings and participate with you in being something that he doesn't now feel? You're an established mature woman of sound mind. He's in a very different place. I'm not sure why you don't see whose feelings would be more significant in terms of the potential fall out. I'm not sure what the point would be of insisting you behave in a way that causes him distress when doing this will leave you both in extreme distress. Your anger at being 'blackmailed' is vitriolic and misplaced as he has not done this to get at you and isn't responsible for the wider issues you clearly hate on principle. He hasn't sat down and thought how can I get at Mum where it hurts and force her hand... You're responding as if he has.

You're going to be angry and bitter one way or the other. You can't control the situation with his transition and you're free to call him his old name in an empty room. He's never voluntarily let you down from what you say (quite the opposite) and is probably going through hell if your attitude in that house is anything like your post. It will probably put off the day he's ready to move out despite this being clearly to everyone's benefit.

At the moment you're ranting which is understandable but don't underestimate what this could do to your relationship. In your shoes I would think very carefully about what you're letting go of if you refuse to observe his boundaries. You don't have to like them or agree but they are his boundaries.

@Pumpfive

I wouldn't say its 'the trend' once passed about age 21. At 23 I'd be inclined to take them more seriously. I like to think I'm pretty open minded about all of this stuff but truly, I don't know what I'd think if it was my own child. So tricky. But either way, they really need your support I think.

A 23 year old with MH difficulties is not going to have the self awareness or foresight of other 23 year olds - so I'm not sure this is true in this case.

Surely as a parent you should be supporting your child regardless of your beliefs?!
It doesn't matter what you believe, it's how they feel, and not having your support find exacerbate their depression. I thought as a parent the one thing you want for your child is then to be happy?!

@thatsgotit

OP, it must be so hard and I sympathise, but I think you might have to try and avoid getting into discussion with him about this. The fact that you regard it as a trend isn't going to be helpful to him if he is genuinely trans, and if this is just a phase for him then eventually it will pass. Either way I think you risk damaging your relationship with him permanently if you try to talk him out of it like it's some childhood craze. He's an adult.

What is “genuinely trans” , and how can you tell ?

I would accept it and call them the name they are asking to be called.
It's your child who is now an adult who can make their own choices. I'm sure my parents have not agreed with all the choices I have made but they've always supported me and then there when things have gone wrong.

I'd rather have a transgender child than a

Racist bully
Abusive to their partner
Selfish disrespectful
Sex offender
Etc

What the hell harm has he done?

You seem really mean OP, don't lose him over something so trivial just because you've spent too much time on mumsnet

I honestly don't think I could live with that, OP. If he can't accept that you can't and don't see him as a woman, it's time for him to start seeking another place to live.

His wish to be called a woman is no more valid than your conviction that you can't deny the biological truth of who he is. This isn't just about him, not when he lives under your roof and is making demands on how you live your daily life.

what he has said about why he feels like this?

He says he feels feminine. Fine. Why can't he be a feminine man? He says he feels like a woman. Well how would he know what a woman feels like. I'm a woman and I probably don't feel the same as the woman sitting next to me on the bus. We are all different. The only thing that makes us women is our sex. And he doesn't have that.

@Peachy7 Happy at what cost though? Do the OP’s feelings not matter?!

Stop encouraging this woman to chuck her child out. Honestly it's like the gays in the 80s

You all sound horrible

Nothing to me would be harder than losing my child. I would call them anything, anything at all. I would accept them whatever they wanted. I would struggle but I'd do everything to make sure they didn't.

Nothing at all is worth losing your children over.

Exactly SSD

@Fraaahnces

I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.

You and me both,I also hate the false statistics relating to suicide and abuse of trans.It’s time people woke up to the fact that we will have a generation of severely traumatised adults in a few years time,all regretting joining the trans cult..

@Nc123 some people literally starve themselves to death for attention. I think what we need to do is focus on making as little a deal as possible of the gender identity and instead focus on any emotional distress/pschiatric issues the person has and don't give them the chance to be egocentric about it eg; yes it's NOT ok for someone to bully you or judge you for your identity but people DO have the right to their own opinion and throwing a hissy fit every time someone accidentally calls you the wrong pronoun, fkr example, is not acceptable because like for all of us the world doesn't revolve round you and your beliefs. It's a fine balance to strike. If I was the mum I'd make my opinions known but I WOULD agree to call them their chosen name and pronoun but I'd refuse to indulge in it any further. There isn't really a right answer though and it definitely isn't as black and white as you and some others make out

It's really quite depressing to see women eating up regressive gender ideology and male centred "feminism"

@tulipsandsnow

I'm not trying to be harsh or not compassionate- but genuinely am so confused how the distress you say it will cause you to use his preferred name and pronouns could be worse than the distress of losing him out of your life entirely. What could be worse than the distress of losing a child?

I would imagine that's exactly what the distress is about. She feels as though she is losing her son. It's fascinating that the "be kind" posters have absolutely no empathy for her.

Why do we sound horrible @Tuaca, self id is disastrous for women’s rights, and unhelpful for people with GID. Subscribing to the belief that putting on a dress and feeling “like a woman” makes you a woman is a special kind of denial - supporting people doesn’t mean agreeing with them.

What’s all this dramatic talk of “LOSING A CHILD” if Op doesn’t go along with this? If she stands by her beliefs, doesn’t use his desired pronouns etc then how will she LOSE him? He might be a bit pissed off with her, sulk etc but right now he is dependant on his mother for a roof over his head so don’t see how she can “lose” him. That would mean him getting a job, moving out, being independent etc none of which he is managing too well at the moment.

The suicidal thoughts and rates in trans people is really high for this reason

This is proven to be bullshit. Used as emotional blackmail to parents.

Trans people are at massively higher risk of verbal and physical attacks, even of murder

There"re not though are they. In the UK trans women are the safest demographic.
This is just more emotive waffle to try to convince people that these males are somehow the most 'vulnerable' and oppressed.

Transmen will be as likely to be attacked as every other women, because they are female.

@YellowBrickWall

what he has said about why he feels like this?

He says he feels feminine. Fine. Why can't he be a feminine man? He says he feels like a woman. Well how would he know what a woman feels like. I'm a woman and I probably don't feel the same as the woman sitting next to me on the bus. We are all different. The only thing that makes us women is our sex. And he doesn't have that.

It's crazy that in 2022, that he can't just be comfortable with being a feminine man. Can't he see how deeply regressive this cult is?

I thought a parents love was unconditional?

I know it doesn't feel good when your kids change identity and their name. I felt really hurt that they were discarding their childhood name for first a different female name and then a male name. I didn't tell them that. I go along as best I can with they/them pronouns and calling them by their preferred name. It's not a big deal. I've gotten used to it now. Occasionally I forget but I don't do it with any malice. I hope they don't opt for surgery because ANY surgery has risks BUT it's their life. It's up to them what they do with it.

This is your ds life. You just brought him into the world.