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Original poster

Can't cope with DS being transgender

1000 replies

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 12:57

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

OP posts:
Noisyneighneigh · 25/03/2022 14:50

@Tuaca

I'd rather have a transgender child than a

Racist bully
Abusive to their partner
Selfish disrespectful
Sex offender
Etc

What the hell harm has he done?

You seem really mean OP, don't lose him over something so trivial just because you've spent too much time on mumsnet

It's time for you to read about men transitioning in prison, or are they not real transwomen?
Cervinia · 25/03/2022 14:51

I a.so thinks it’s a massive trend with lots of MH issues and detransitioning to follow in the next decade or two.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/03/2022 14:53

@Tuaca

Stop encouraging this woman to chuck her child out. Honestly it's like the gays in the 80s
It is nothing like “the gays” as you call them, in the 80s.
Jannt86 · 25/03/2022 14:53

Suicide rates in the tg is likely higher for a number of reasons and it's a chicken and egg scenario, it definitely ISN'T just because they're more persecuted and people shouldn't pander to this emotional blackmail. We already know that there is a wide array of MH issues that often co-exist with tg people and guess what, these issues also predispose people to suicide attempts. It's an important distinction to make

Bagelsandbrie · 25/03/2022 14:54

I think this is a really sad thread. My dd is 19 and is at university with several trans people (male to female) all of which have these sorts of issues with their parents. They are utterly hate their parents and plan to have nothing to do with them in the future because of their attitudes towards their transitioning. I think if you want to have any sort of relationship with your child long term you just need to do whatever you can to show your love and acceptance, even if you don’t feel that way. It really isn’t worth losing your child over.

Tuaca · 25/03/2022 14:54

It is though. With regards to disowning children because they aren't who you want them to be.

wearingtheT · 25/03/2022 14:54

You and me both,I also hate the false statistics relating to suicide and abuse of trans.It’s time people woke up to the fact that we will have a generation of severely traumatised adults in a few years time,all regretting joining the trans cult..
-----------
😂😂 as I said to my DD, at least I'll only have a bad perm to be embarrassed about.

Hotcuppatea · 25/03/2022 14:55

@JesusSufferingFuck22

I thought a parents love was unconditional? I know it doesn't feel good when your kids change identity and their name. I felt really hurt that they were discarding their childhood name for first a different female name and then a male name. I didn't tell them that. I go along as best I can with they/them pronouns and calling them by their preferred name. It's not a big deal. I've gotten used to it now. Occasionally I forget but I don't do it with any malice. I hope they don't opt for surgery because ANY surgery has risks BUT it's their life. It's up to them what they do with it. This is your ds life. You just brought him into the world.
OP isn't saying that she doesn't love her son. She's saying that he's not a woman and she won't pretend that he is. That's a very different thing.
Hoppinggreen · 25/03/2022 14:56

@Tuaca

I'd rather have a transgender child than a

Racist bully
Abusive to their partner
Selfish disrespectful
Sex offender
Etc

What the hell harm has he done?

You seem really mean OP, don't lose him over something so trivial just because you've spent too much time on mumsnet

Same here but I don’t think that’s a choice OP is facing here
Wafflesnsniffles · 25/03/2022 14:58

I would tell him you love him. Tell him you how important it is to you that he is happy, healthy but you will continue to think of him as male and a man because that is what he is. Remain firm. If that means a breakdown in your relationship so be it tbh.
Its an awful prospect but ultimately our children once adults are free to make their own choices. If my adult child (I have two) came home and said they were eg Scientologists.........I wouldnt encourage them. Id say "ok free choice but no support or encouragement from me". No difference in this situ for me.

Keep being kind, keep listening, keep being there for him but stand firm.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/03/2022 14:58

I would feel the same as you OP, and in your place I would be completely frank with my son and say the things you are saying on here.

Gowithme · 25/03/2022 14:58

MtF transitioners (and I mean properly transitioned, not just self ID, are far more dangerous than women (in fact just as dangerous as other men non surprisingly!) - this from a Swedish study -
The researchers state:
‘male-to-females . . . retained a male pattern regarding criminality. The same was true regarding violent crime.’
MtF transitioners were over 6 times more likely to be convicted of an offence than female comparators and 18 times more likely to be convicted of a violent offence. The group had no statistically significant differences from other natal males, for convictions in general or for violent offending. The group examined were those who committed to surgery, and so were more tightly defined than a population based solely on self-declaration.

In contrast a channel 4 piece on trans people being killed put the figure at just one a year in the UK -
According to these figures, there was one trans person murdered in the UK in that time, and a total of nine trans people were murdered in the UK between 2008 and 2017. That’s an average rate of one victim per year.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I think all you can do is be clear and consistent with the facts and do what is right for you - as he is doing what he feels is right for him. I don't understand why people keep saying you 'have' to do x, y or z or you will lose him. It doesn't sound like he has said that has he?

SirVixofVixHall · 25/03/2022 14:59

@Wafflesnsniffles

I would tell him you love him. Tell him you how important it is to you that he is happy, healthy but you will continue to think of him as male and a man because that is what he is. Remain firm. If that means a breakdown in your relationship so be it tbh. Its an awful prospect but ultimately our children once adults are free to make their own choices. If my adult child (I have two) came home and said they were eg Scientologists.........I wouldnt encourage them. Id say "ok free choice but no support or encouragement from me". No difference in this situ for me. Keep being kind, keep listening, keep being there for him but stand firm.
And I agree with Waffles
Ereshkigalangcleg · 25/03/2022 15:01

It won't stop with a name and pronoun will it. He will be wanting me to refer to him as my daughter, put away old photographs, erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction.

I would think about what you absolutely are not prepared to do and work through the reasons in your head. Then as I suggested you need to both agree some middle ground you can both accept.

Noisyneighneigh · 25/03/2022 15:02

It is though. With regards to disowning children because they aren't who you want them to be.
OP doesn't want to him to be someone he's not. She wants him to accept himself as man, because he's certainly not a woman. Quite often a transwoman's idea of their true self is growing their hair, wearing makeup and a dress. They can do that without identifying as a woman.

MuggleMadness · 25/03/2022 15:03

@LoopyDream

Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her

Let me help you out.

You can believe in whatever the hell nonsense you want to, including the tooth fairy.

Not everyone agrees with you.

Her Son is he/him he always will be. He can pretend to be a woman if he wants to, it doesn't mean his mum has to pretend as well.

Him his he

You cannot change sex. You cannot

Boxowine · 25/03/2022 15:05

I’m sorry. This must be very difficult. I think that the best thing that you can do is to preserve your relationship, and if that means using a new name and new pronouns, so be it. This does not mean that you have to believe in trans gender, or go to a parade or enter into conversations about it. Or throw them out. That’s is a rejection of your child. Like the days when young girls were thrown out for teenage pregnancy.

Our children can have opposite thoughts to us about political things like Brexit or Trump, or religious things like Catholicism or Druidism, or Veganism and Earth Liberation. Even in the 60s parents and children disagreed about being hippies or whatever. That is your child. If mothers can stand by their sons who commit crimes or vote for conservative politicians then you can stand by and love your trans child. But you don’t have to endorse their belief system.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/03/2022 15:06

Oh @LoopyDream 🤣

axolotlfloof · 25/03/2022 15:07

@LoopyDream

Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her

Or is he a young man with mental health problems?
MsFogi · 25/03/2022 15:07

Others on the thread have no doubt suggested it, but to get in touch with bayswatersupport.org.uk

Tuaca · 25/03/2022 15:08

Boxowine speaks complete sense and says it so much better than me 👏🏻

MuggleMadness · 25/03/2022 15:08

@Nc123

You just have to love your kid. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to understand. You don’t have to go on trans rights parades. You just have to accept your child and love them as they are, for all they are. Use the pronouns. Use the name. Learn from them. Love them. It’s what they need from you and it’s all they need from you. If it turns out that they are, as you suggest “playing with gender expression” then perhaps it will pass, and your relationship will only be stronger for the love and acceptance you have shown

That's a lovely post. I mostly agree with you, except I disagree that she has to use the female pronouns or name.she can live her kid while still calling her kid his name & using his pronouns. Maybe he needs to accept that the woman who brought him up as her son, doesn't agree you can just choose to change sex.

MuggleMadness · 25/03/2022 15:10

@Hello606

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not
No, it's not the same, at all.
Partyatnumber10 · 25/03/2022 15:10

I don't mind what he wears or calls himself, I just don't want to be made to join in. Why are his feelings more important than mine. I agree with the poster who said I will lose him, that's why I said it feels like blackmail and is so distressing.

I'm guessing that this runs in the family. In this thread you haven't shown an ounce of concern over how he's feeling or the turmoil he must be in (pretty severe if his mental health caused him to give up his independent life and move home) all you're focussed on is what you do and don't want, so turn that on it's head. Why do your feeling matter more than his?

Have you tried actually talking to him, listening to him and trying to understand where he's coming from instead of judging him, wallowing in self pity and posting on a forum where you know many people will jump in to tell you how right you are.

This thread makes me so sad.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 25/03/2022 15:13

It won't stop with a name and pronoun will it. He will be wanting me to refer to him as my daughter, put away old photographs, erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction.

Not necessarily all of that op.

I still have photos up, my child says "Back when I was Xname" and I do the same. I have never told anyone that I birthed x boys and y girls, just that I have x girls and y boys.

Your child probably will want you to refer to them as your daughter, but, again, this can be fixed with neutral language.

There is a middle ground here that doesn't involve sacrificing either your beliefs or your relationship with your child.

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