Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Protections do NOT exist for actual women right now. If they did then we would have no TW in women's changing rooms, prisons, rape crisis centres, toilets or on all-women short lists. If they did we would not have the trans rights activists changing language such that people with a cervix need a cervical smear - this leaves many people vulnerable to not getting the medical help they need and deserve.

They still exist. The back and forth over single sex spaces is part of the push and pull of growing pains. They are being resolved over time to preserve the single sex spaces. And sorry but cervical smears for people with cervixes doesn’t leave “many people vulnerable to not getting medical help they meet and deserve” because everyone with a cervix is still getting a cervical smear! You kind of need to have a cervix to have a cervical smear.

i think some people on here think you have to bow to your son or daughters every whim
else they will cut you off and go non contact!

I will not be beholden to my children in this way

I think the posters saying your child will not be with you on your deathbed are being a bit melodramatic tbh. To be brutally honest, this isn’t someone who’s given it a lot of thought, it’s happened to a lot of people during lockdown and if it’s the community that they’re in, it just exacerbates everything. It may take a few years but I don’t think they’re gone forever.

You say your DD is going to the wedding, she must be onboard with everything. Has that affected her relationship with you and your DH?

'And sorry but cervical smears for people with cervixes doesn’t leave “many people vulnerable to not getting medical help they meet and deserve” because everyone with a cervix is still getting a cervical smear!'

Except the ones for whom English is a second language, or who are young and don't realise they have a cervix, or struggle with literacy and have a limited vocabulary. And there are a lot more of them than there are 'men' with a cervix, or 'women' who never had a cervix.

The word 'woman' is understood by everyone who ever had a cervix.

'People with a cervix' only catches the attention of those highly literate in English. Therefore excludes a huge number of people who need smears.

It's a barrier to access.

'People with a cervix' only catches the attention of those highly literate in English

I've seen statistics saying that 40% of UK women don't know they have a cervix

The letters come out automatically for smears. So long as the GP surgery knows you have a cervix, you get an invitation. What’s the evidence for young and nonEnglish speaking losing out on smears because they don’t know what a cervix is? And even if some are, it’s the fault of the GP surgery not recording sex it’s not the fault of transpeople wanting to exist openly in society.

Some posters are definitely being melodramatic about how you have lost your child forever.
If your child was truly comfortable with themselves the pronoun thing wouldn’t be a big deal as they would be comfortable in their own skin. Right now they are choosing to surround themselves with people who will validate them. You and your DH remind them about a truth your DC can’t face right now. The unspeakable truth that people instantly clock your DC as male and that anyone who uses she/her etc is lying.
I don’t know if your DC is definitely trans or not, but they will eventually figure themselves out and you and your DH are keeping the door open so there is a possibility of a future reconciliation.
I think yes send a wedding gift and also a card where you use both your DC and the future spouses chosen names. Write something very meaningful about his much happiness you wish in the future for them both.

it’s not the fault of transpeople wanting to exist openly in society

Lucky no ones said that then

IT is very much the fault of trans activists who are fucking it all up!

Your post appears to care nothing for people who might well lose out. Aren't the health needs of women more important than the feelings of men who are so desperate to be seen as women they need to be called for screenings for body parts they don't have ?

The OP denies transpeople exist. She calls it a lie, a fantasy, and so on numerous times. And many posters have agreed with her.

Numerous posts link admitting transgender people exist and allowing them to live freely in society as their gender with complete and utter loss of all womens rights, women losing all protections and so on. There is clearly a lot of blame towards transgender people and allies- called TRAs- for this perceived danger. So yes, many people have actually said that problem x (smears) is the fault of ‘TRAs’ or ‘this ideology.’

So actually, there is blame being cast and a lot of it.

No she doesn't, not once. Are you quite well? #

Transpeople exist, we all know that. No-one has a problem with it, or denies their existence. We just accept the biological fact that transwomen are male, and transmen are female.

You're also confused about what TRA's are, allies are another thing altogether.

Again, what evidence is there that anyone both female and a woman is missing out? You say it is a barrier to access, well, where’s the evidence? Who has actually missed out?

The only people who were missing out were transmen (TM) and nonbinary females (NB). Which is why they edited the language to ensure TMNB would not miss out in future.

Recent study
Attitudes of transgender men and non-binary people to cervical screening: a cross-sectional mixed-methods study in the UK
Alison M Berner, Dean J Connolly, Imogen Pinnell, Aedan Wolton, Adriana MacNaughton, Chloe Challen, Kate Nambiar, Jacob Bayliss, James Barrett and Christina Richards
British Journal of General Practice 2021; 71 (709): e614-e625. DOI: doi.org/10.3399/BJGP.2020.0905

”Having a male gender marker was identified in the thematic analysis as a barrier to screening for TMNB (Figure 2). Consequently, participants were unable to access routine call and recall, or processing of results: ’[I] changed my gender marker to male, so I am not invited at all anymore.’(Responder [R] 7020884343) ’The NHS refused to give me my results as they were under a male gender marker.’(R7020898549) ’I have had trouble booking appointments … receptionists don’t understand.’(R7020881677)’ …’’My current GP has never mentioned cervical screening to me in [the] years I’ve been at the surgery. I do not feel confident about being trans there.’(R7025163064)’”

”Four of the reasons for non-attendance point to experienced or anticipated stigma and discrimination as a major barrier. This was also evident in the thematic analysis: ’I had met two health professionals … who expressed strong moral objections to the existence of transgender people, and refused to treat me and recommended religion as conversion treatment. I was scared I might encounter someone with a similar mindset who would use a screening as a chance to assault me.’(R7025133319) ’It’s been really difficult to get the nurse/GP to accept me as male, so I think going in and requesting a cervical smear would just take things three steps back and make things more difficult again.’(R7020884343)”

“Finally, dysphoria and discomfort thinking about this part of the body were further reasons related to gender identity that discouraged participants from attending screening. In the thematic analysis, dysphoria could occur:

in relation to the procedure — ’I can’t stand that part of my body and I don’t want anyone to see it.’ (R7020881854)

in response to screening information — ’Most of the negative points of the experience came from the very women-focused design and language in the leaflet informing me about it.’ (R7025283699)

or, as a result of correspondence — ’Documents I have seen … are very feminine and woman/she/her-centred, which would make me uncomfortable if I received them.’ (R7020881966)”
bjgp.org/content/71/709/e614

The only people who were missing out were transmen (TM) and nonbinary females (NB). Which is why they edited the language to ensure TMNB would not miss out in future

Oh do shut up. Transmen are female, and they know that. NB females are female too, and they know it. Not a one of them was missing out because they didn't know they were female and needed screenings for their female body parts.

That study is a big pile of bullshit.

You've just said it yourself...people are blaming tras and/or this ideology not trans people

Nice derailment, Discoveryreads. You are really good at them, flinging your wild accusations and twisted logic about. I do get cross with myself for biting!

Not once hey?
YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 12:57
I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do. It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 13:16
On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 13:37
It's making me join in with his fantasy which I don't want to do.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 14:32
He will be wanting me to refer to him as my daughter, put away old photographs, erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 14:42
The only thing that makes us women is our sex. And he doesn't have that.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 15:37
What if it was something closer to your heart like your own rights as a woman being trampled over by men who say they are women? Would you capitulate at the feet of the almighty male?

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 17:02
I can't tell him I believe that he's a woman, because I don't. That would be a lie. Any affirmation from me would be a lie.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 17:17
I don't believe a woman can be a man just because she says she is.

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 18:07
The distress I feel is the clash between what I believe and what he wants me to say. I hate compelled speech. I hate being drawn into this. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who can see the emperer is not wearing any clothes. I feel like I'm going mad.

YellowBrickWall · 26/03/2022 09:57
My son is a privileged male appropriating womanhood.

YellowBrickWall · 06/10/2022 02:20
I just can't join in with the fantasy. My earlier posts on this thread explain a bit more. There is a lot to lose from 'going along' with a fiction that erases the class of woman as a sex. It's huge actually.
But I can't do it. I look at him and I don't see a woman, I see a man. I know I gave birth to a son. I can't tell people that I have two daughters because I don't, I have a daughter and a son. I can't live a lie, it's too distressing. It's gaslighting, it's enforced speech and it's blackmail.

YellowBrickWall · Today 01:03
We have to accept that DS doesn't want us in his life because we do not affirm that he is a woman.
This ideology harms so many people. It breaks up friendship and families. And for what? A person who can only be happy with those who affirm their fantasy?

Yes, not once. Not ONE of those quotes says transpeople don't exist. Like I already told you, transpeople exist, and they remain the sex they have always been.

The majority of transpeople are aware of and acknowlegde this obvious fact. The problem is the new ideology that lies, and tells people they can change sex, and that men are women.

You know all of this, why are you lying and pretending you don't?

Ideology and activism that only exists because transgender people exist. You blame the former, you by association also blame the latter. Why else would OP be writing as if acknowledging her DD is a transwoman would be equivalent to erasing women as a class by sex? Or throwing away womens rights? To her, she does have a problem with transgender people because she thinks even having one in her family means she is being a traitor to her sex. That’s blaming her DD being transgender by association for all the issues society is grappling with as we make space for transgender people.

I rather think you are playing pretend here.

Calling being a transwomen or transman a lie a fiction a fantasy or gaslighting or equating it to believing the word is flat or the emperor has no clothes is in fact denying their reality of existence.

You blame the former, you by association also blame the latter

Nope....I can see that transpeople want to get on with their lives and that other people are pushing things that transpeople don't necessarily want

To me its a bit like a council saying no mention of Christmas to be inclusive of other religions and the people of other religions going wtf?

No it isn't. Nobody is denying their existence. I will explain it yet again in smaller words.
TRANSWOMEN EXIST> THEY ARE MALE. The LIE is pretending they are women.

Pretending that transwomen are biological women is the same as believeing the world is flat.

Saying the world is not flat does not equate to saying the world does not exist, does it?

No, TMNB were missing out because they were not marked as women in GP records. Which is what you are advocating for going back to while claiming that “cervical screening for people with cervices” will or has caused others to miss out.

But obviously you have no evidence whatsoever that this has or will happen.

They WERE marked as women in the GP records. It's YOUR bullshit idelogy that changed that and put people at risk.

You can't even work out which side you're on here!!

You said transwomen are not women- that is denying their existence. “the lie is pretending they [transwomen] are women”

But you also say transwomen are not biological women, which is different and not once did the OP say “biological woman”, she just said “woman” throughout her posts.

So it’s clear OP has also been saying transwomen are not women which is denying their existence.

It’s not my ideology I take no credit or blame for it and it isn’t some monolith.

These females still missed out and it was 100% because of what YOU are advocating that we should regress back to.

I have proof, you have nothing but paranoid hot air,