Can't cope with DS being transgender

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This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

@Iwasnotmadeforthistypeoflife
"Is there a link between mental health issues and trans?"

Yes. The link is huge. Finding yourself, finding your tribe, acceptance, and being comfort in your own skin is tricky for many teens. Add into that ASD and/or ADHD which can often make you feel odd and that you don't fit in, because they may feel that their brain is 'wired' differently to their peers, and so thus means that more ASD / ADHD kids struggle most and thus often end up looking down the trans route for acceptance/happiness/what it is they are seeking. So yes, the link is huge.

Yeah it's definitely a huge link between MH issues and trans. Tbh I think a lot of TRA play of people with MH issues and manipulate them.

OP I think you are very brave to stand by your beliefs, I would feel exactly the same as you if I was in your shoes. Your son knows your door is always open if needed

Agree. A newborn is their own person, but living their own lives from the second they are born? What does that even mean?

I even said that I would use their new names and pronouns for the day but he said that wasn't good enough and people would be offended by me just being there.

So he hasn't said that he doesn't want you there, but that his social group would be offended by your presence and he wants their approval. That's quite cowardly of him, in my opinion.

I'd push the GP to make the ADHD referral now. I'm wouldn't be happy with GP suggesting that he deals with the depression first (which he has anyway). The ADHD referral will take ages. So insist GP does it now on nhs.

He's 23 so I can't insist on anything. The GP would laugh me out of the surgery.

Would it change things op if your child had all the requisite surgery and hormones to fully transition?

In my opinion, this would be an awful thing to do at such a young age. Many men can't even get a vasectomy at that age because doctors advise them to wait and see if they change their mind. All the usual caution and care has been thrown out the window for transpeople and I think that's very wrong. They deserve better and I hope the Cass review one of the first steps in changing this.

No surgery or hormone can change a humans sex.

Yes and it won't fit his Poor Me and My TERF Mother narrative.

Thanks again for all your input, there have been some lovely posts and it does help to have some support.

I know that young adults need to distance themselves from their parents as part of becoming independent. It's natural and healthy and I'm fine with that. But who doesn't want their own mum and dad at their wedding? I could understand if we were estranged, but we're not. And then I think, well actually, perhaps we are.

I can't decide whether or not to send him a wedding gift. Part of me thinks I should because that's what you do and part of me thinks sod that, I'm not even invited. I wonder if he will even think of me and his dad on the day. His sister is going so she will take photos and tell me all about it.

I hope he has a wonderful day, his partner is lovely and they have had a long distance relationship and covid to deal with but they've stayed together and seem very happy and well suited to each other. I was so pleased for him when he got his job and told him that I was massively proud of him as he's been through a lot and worked so hard and now it's all coming together for him.

For us though, I am slowly becoming more resigned to us not being able to reconcile our differences. There is just no compromise. You are either in or you're out and unfortunately this wedding has demonstrated that I'm well and truly out.

There is so much more to life and I feel sad that he has put himself in this restricted box.

If you'd call him she, you wouldn't be out.

I think you should go to the wedding. Stand outside if you have to. Look happy.

He is not a she. She is a female.

You've chosen your side. It isn't your child's side. I feel heartbroken for your child, not you.

A trend ? Wow !

You have two choices. You support him and that means acceptance or you don't and you lose him.

My friend's son is now her daughter after many years and surgeries and it wasn't an easy adjustment but they have a solid relationship

My sister suggested this but I think if you've been told you're not invited it's disrespectful to turn up anyway.

This is such a tough one isn't it. My Aunt had extremely strong religious beliefs and simply could not accept that her son is gay. It came to the point where she didn't attend his wedding but they remained in a strong mother/son relationship until she passed away. He accepted that he would never have her blessing and didn't try to push her into changing her views.

It shouldn't be that either party should have to change their belief system. I agree with you OP when it comes to this particular topic and I would struggle enormously if this was my daughter. It's more a matter of coming to a mutual agree to disagree stance. I hope you can all heal to come to a peaceful compromise going forward.

No you have multiple choices

And the child has multiple choices

Mutual respect and topic avoidance one option for both

Subjunction of self is another - but that's not a good thing to do as a parent

@crumpetswithjam

when you have a kid you don’t have to do everything single they want

When you have a child you have a duty to think about their best long term interests not their current demands

This 'child' is an adult.

Your child is always your child

But the parent's right to control their child's life ends with the onset of adulthood.

She isn't trying to control them though is she ?

She is treating them as a adult , respecting herself and respecting the wishes of the child and feeling sad as a result

She had boundaries - that is a good thing that many women struggle with

She is prepared to question herself - women tend to be good at that

But she's not trying to control, she's just not capitulating.

Imagine your adult child comes home and says they are a Scientologist. You have misgivings for various reasons. They want you to take part in whatever Scientologists do like personality tests, rituals and all the rest. Not only do you have to do them, but you also have to actually believe in what you're doing, not just pretend for a quiet life.
Would you be able to do that?
Because like Scientology, trans ideology doesn't put up with people who object to any part, they are shunned and removed from their circles as has happened here.

Depends on your end goal OP. If it's to keep a good relationship with your DS, and hope for this to pass quicker, go along with it. Resistance is the quickest way to make someone stick harder to their guns, and feel like they have something to fight against. If this genuinely is a phase, embracing it means there's no cause, no fight, and he will drift to something else. Fight back and you're just romanticising it.

As time goes on your DH may well just drift out of it.