Page 29 | Can't cope with DS being transgender

YellowBrickWall · 2022-03-25T12:57:16+00:00

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do. It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do. He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 23:16

Realistically he can’t really cut her off though can he? It sounds like he’s very dependent on her, living in her home without a job or any money coming in. It also sounds like they’re close. And at 23 I think there is a time to say ‘I’m sorry, I love you as my child but I can’t agree with this stance you have. I’m always your mum who loves you anyway.’

Like you don’t have to agree with everything people you love say. A relative of mine actually did one of those charity gap year things, and I was honest with her that I couldn’t sponsor her as I really disagree with the concept generally and more specifically the area she was doing it in. It doesn’t mean I’m abusive to her and I think she understood that we just don’t agree on that point. There was no ‘losing’ her.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 10:41

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman, of course he will cut her off, if only to protect himself. No trans woman is going to be ok with someone using their old name and pronouns long term. He's not going to be financially dependent on his mum forever.

Annette32123 · 28/03/2022 12:46

@Porcupineintherough

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman, of course he will cut her off, if only to protect himself. No trans woman is going to be ok with someone using their old name and pronouns long term. He's not going to be financially dependent on his mum forever.

What on earth do you mean by “ If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman”?

That makes no sense.

He can’t decide he is a woman. He might decide he is a transwoman. His mother is allowed to believe that transwomen are male - which is true - and he is allowed to dislike being male and adopt the identity of a transwoman to alleviate his dislike of being male.

He can’t be a woman though can he? It’s not a choice between being a man or a woman or a transwomen is it?

Annette32123 · 28/03/2022 12:47

@Porcupineintherough

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman, of course he will cut her off, if only to protect himself. No trans woman is going to be ok with someone using their old name and pronouns long term. He's not going to be financially dependent on his mum forever.

Long term he is more likely to desist that not so it probably won’t be an issue.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 13:23

@Annette32123 of course he can decide he's a woman. He can decide he's JC or the Pope too for that matter. Not everything people believe is based in reality.

He might also decide he is a transwoman but not a biological woman. Not all transwomen believe TWAW. Still doesn't mean he's going to tolerate being called by his male name and pronouns.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 13:24

And yes if he desist that would solve the problem but it's not guarenteed to happen.

EishetChayil · 28/03/2022 13:28

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman

What?? Do you realise how fucking absurd that sounds?

I'm sick to death of this brainless dogma that's captured so many people.

You can't just wake up one day and "decide" to be something you're not.

mudgetastic · 28/03/2022 13:36

Wasn't that a tv show

Today Michael I am ??

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 14:26

@EishetChayil "deciding" is a function of the brain and you can therefore decide to believe pretty much anything. Doesnt make it true of course but you can decide to believe it. Look at religion fe.

Kanaloa · 28/03/2022 14:41

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Annette32123 of course he can decide he's a woman. He can decide he's JC or the Pope too for that matter. Not everything people believe is based in reality.

He might also decide he is a transwoman but not a biological woman. Not all transwomen believe TWAW. Still doesn't mean he's going to tolerate being called by his male name and pronouns.[/quote]
Yeah but if he decided he was JC or the Pope his mother would still disagree. Doesn’t mean she would lose him, just wouldn’t believe her child is the pope.

And as for ‘both everything people believe is based in reality’ well if it’s not based in reality you can’t really expect others to pretend that it is?

Either way I don’t see how she’s going to lose her child. Nothing I many of the op’s posts suggested that he’s desperate to get away from her or that she’s going to ask him to leave.

Porcupineintherough · 28/03/2022 15:46

The point being that, if the aim is to get him to desist, then the OP would be better keeping the lines of communication open rather than forcing him into a place where he cuts them. It's exactly the same principle as when your dd/friend gets with an abusive bloke - you want her to leave him but you cant make her. If you drive her away by pointing out the truth too forcably you risk pushing her into his arms and isolating her.

MrOllivander · 28/03/2022 16:02

@EishetChayil

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman

What?? Do you realise how fucking absurd that sounds?

I'm sick to death of this brainless dogma that's captured so many people.

You can't just wake up one day and "decide" to be something you're not.

I always wonder how many women would meet a man, who introduced himself as a man, then go to have sex with him and find out he has a vagina I would be fucking fuming and I don't imagine I'm the only one

Didydani · 28/03/2022 16:05

This. Whilst you're all busy sympathising with the OP, nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.

OP, it must of been hard to come out, especially with opinions and attitudes like yours around! You invalidate her experience by saying its just a phase, just a trend. What makes you think that? Is it because you're not experiencing it yourself? It's like people who go on about online relationships not being real, just because you haven't been in one or aren't in one. Totally invalidating and quite frankly stupid. Did people forget there's another person talking to you behind the screen/phone when in an online relationship? Or does that person and their feelings and relationship just magically not exist now, because people have decided it isn't real!? It's laughable. Anyway back to the point. I hope there's other people in her life who accept her. We can see you don't.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 28/03/2022 16:11

nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.

OP, it must of been hard to come out, especially with opinions and attitudes like yours around! You invalidate her experience

Do you see what you did there?

mudgetastic · 28/03/2022 16:12

PeopleHave been thinking about the son
About his recent mental health problems

About the fact that he still needs a lot of parental support

About what type of support might be most appropriate

MrsPsmalls · 28/03/2022 16:16

@Porcupineintherough

If he decides that he really is a woman, or even a trans woman, of course he will cut her off, if only to protect himself. No trans woman is going to be ok with someone using their old name and pronouns long term. He's not going to be financially dependent on his mum forever.

Well the poor lad is already known to have mental ill health and if he adds onto this a belief that he's a woman and a demand that everyone pretend he actually is one, then yes he is going to be dependent on his Mum forever as he will be pretty much unemployable.

Jannt86 · 28/03/2022 17:01

@Didydani

This. Whilst you're all busy sympathising with the OP, nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.

OP, it must of been hard to come out, especially with opinions and attitudes like yours around! You invalidate her experience by saying its just a phase, just a trend. What makes you think that? Is it because you're not experiencing it yourself? It's like people who go on about online relationships not being real, just because you haven't been in one or aren't in one. Totally invalidating and quite frankly stupid. Did people forget there's another person talking to you behind the screen/phone when in an online relationship? Or does that person and their feelings and relationship just magically not exist now, because people have decided it isn't real!? It's laughable. Anyway back to the point. I hope there's other people in her life who accept her. We can see you don't.

I love it when people assume that just because you refuse to pander to someone's narrative it means you don't care about them. People wouldn't be bothering to post on here if they weren't passionate about what's RIGHT for her son (not necessarily easy right now) It just so happens that many people don't necessarily believe that this is to blindly agree with what is essentially a body dysmorphia without questioning what the implication of this is actually going to be for that young person. This problem is unique. It's not just someone dying their hair or wearing alternative clothes to validate themselves, it's literally changing their sexual organs in some cases, compromising their fertility and taking hormones which we don't actually know the true implications of yet. We are doing these young people a massive disservice if we don't consider that deeply on every level possible

Original poster

YellowBrickWall · 28/03/2022 17:03

We have had another chat this morning as were the only two in the house so we had a cup of tea and a catch up.

I asked him what brought on his initial concerns with mental health. He said that he was finding it difficult to focus and felt listless, no joy in anything. He asked his GP if he could be assessed for ADHD and GP suggested first treat the depression with medication and see how he is which he agreed to do.

He said he felt like this since about the age of 12 but also he felt that if you're not particularly into sport or other clubs, secondary school can be a bit of a treadmill. Also he thinks the chemical changes that come with puberty might have affected his seratonin levels, etc. He didn't mention anything about feeling like he was in the wrong body at that age.

He said he felt happy at university once he settled and that he was ok in lockdown with his girlfriend but when she had to leave he struggled to cope or care that much about himself and his surroundings. This is when the depression was at it's worst and the point at which he sought help.

So now he is on anti-depressants and feeling much better, more settled, more motivated and feels he can cope with work so is job hunting. He is not having counselling at the moment other than talking with his GP who is going to signpost him to talking therapy type groups and monitor how he's getting on with medication. So that's the mental health side of it seemingly heading in the right direction for now.

OP posts:

Moodlesofnoodles · 28/03/2022 17:06

@Didydani

This. Whilst you're all busy sympathising with the OP, nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.

OP, it must of been hard to come out, especially with opinions and attitudes like yours around! You invalidate her experience by saying its just a phase, just a trend. What makes you think that? Is it because you're not experiencing it yourself? It's like people who go on about online relationships not being real, just because you haven't been in one or aren't in one. Totally invalidating and quite frankly stupid. Did people forget there's another person talking to you behind the screen/phone when in an online relationship? Or does that person and their feelings and relationship just magically not exist now, because people have decided it isn't real!? It's laughable. Anyway back to the point. I hope there's other people in her life who accept her. We can see you don't.

This is insane. Seriously.

FiveForAPound · 28/03/2022 17:27

Why are you bringing online relationships into this @Didydani ? You might as well start waffling on about shire horses or how steel in manufactured. It's equally as relevant.

nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.
This is madness.

DomesticatedZombie · 28/03/2022 17:35

That sounds positive, OP. Glad to hear he's getting help.

Anonykunt · 28/03/2022 17:40

@Didydani

This. Whilst you're all busy sympathising with the OP, nobody seems to be thinking about her son and how he's feeling.

OP, it must of been hard to come out, especially with opinions and attitudes like yours around! You invalidate her experience by saying its just a phase, just a trend. What makes you think that? Is it because you're not experiencing it yourself? It's like people who go on about online relationships not being real, just because you haven't been in one or aren't in one. Totally invalidating and quite frankly stupid. Did people forget there's another person talking to you behind the screen/phone when in an online relationship? Or does that person and their feelings and relationship just magically not exist now, because people have decided it isn't real!? It's laughable. Anyway back to the point. I hope there's other people in her life who accept her. We can see you don't.

please decide which pronouns you want to use. Misgendering is a literal violence.

mudgetastic · 28/03/2022 17:45

It's very common for mental health problems to start with puberty I gather - and it's good he recognises this and great that he's seeking help

hullabaloo68 · 28/03/2022 17:56

@SomePosters

Love your child as they are or be prepared to lose them over your rejection

It’s your choice. They don’t have to alter themselves to suit your beliefs

But the op has to alter herself to suit their child's beliefs? As a mother of a transman this situation is incredibly difficult for all involved. After much discussion we have managed to be respectful of each others opinions I won't be called Cis or have his old name called his dead name but I fully support his transition and name change. Unless you're in this situation you really have no idea

crosstalk · 28/03/2022 18:09

@Nc123

Women are far more likely proportionally to be murdered or raped in the UK than transwomen.