Page 28 | Can't cope with DS being transgender

YellowBrickWall · 2022-03-25T12:57:16+00:00

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do. It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do. He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

Original poster

YellowBrickWall · 27/03/2022 11:52

@freckles20

My earlier post mentioned unconditional love. I did not refer to unconditional support.

I do feel that the love that I have for my son would remain regardless of anything he did- including abhorrent acts. I'm sorry if that is unpalatable, but it is the truth, and in my case I am not able to 'unlove him' regardless of who he is or what he does.

So, yes I would love him at the same time as being 100% against such awful acts as those mentioned downthread. I would also be disgusted, angry, etc.. I would not protect him from the consequences and I would not forgive him.

However, my support is not unconditional. There are many things I would absolutely not support. There are also a whole host of things that I would support. Plus just to complicate things I guess there is a grey area of things inbetween that I'm not sure whether I could support or not.

If as a 23 year old man he told me he was trans, or identified as a woman I would support him. It is my decision to do that @YellowBrickWall, and your decision can be different.

I guess it's all boils down to what type of support I can offer him. He gave me a mothers day card today signed in his new name. It just made me want to cry. Perhaps I am grieving. I just said thank you and put it to one side. What else is there to say or do. This seems to be affecting me more than him. He is acting as if it's no big deal but to me it's massive.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your advice. Overwhelmingly people have said to try and address the cause of his mental health problems which I hadn't really considered as I just thought he'd become depressed during lockdown and now seems to be much better.

Before he couldn't even get out of bed but now he's busy most of the day. He's showering and making healthy meals. He baked bread yesterday and worked in the garden for a bit.

I'm going to find some time this week to talk with him about where it all began, what he thinks was the cause of his mental health and exactly what sort of help he is getting. About a year a go he told me he thought he had ADHD and wanted to be assessed so there may be a number of things that need to be untangled.

He is having counselling so I will see if he wants to talk about that with me too. I'm not sure if we will talk about the name/pronoun thing again just yet as I am still personally struggling with that. It would be very distressing for me to start affirming him as a woman. I'm not even sure that I can do it. I certainly don't want to. But it's been good to mull things over with you all so thanks a lot.

And happy mothers day to all the mums out there loving their kids and supporting them in whatever way they can. Take care of yourself and remember that you are important too and your needs matter. Don't let them take you for granted. You were a person before you were a mother and that person is still you. Ah - you know what I mean I hope!

OP posts:

Annette32123 · 27/03/2022 11:59

@YellowBrickWall
You sound like a lovely mum!

@Daffodils22
The irony.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 27/03/2022 11:59

Before he couldn't even get out of bed but now he's busy most of the day. He's showering and making healthy meals. He baked bread yesterday and worked in the garden for a bit.

I would focus on this, it sounds really positive. Encourage him to do gardening and cooking, it may be at the root of what is making him feel like he is more "feminine" than other men. When my younger DB was similarly depressed and back living with my mum she made a point of cooking with him, they would pick a complicated fancy recipe and do it together. He got through the depression eventually but it took time and meeting a lovely partner.

Noisyneighneigh · 27/03/2022 12:43

Before he couldn't even get out of bed but now he's busy most of the day. He's showering and making healthy meals. He baked bread yesterday and worked in the garden for a bit.
It sounds like he's on a high

Polyanthus2 · 27/03/2022 13:03

@Noisyneighneigh

Before he couldn't even get out of bed but now he's busy most of the day. He's showering and making healthy meals. He baked bread yesterday and worked in the garden for a bit. It sounds like he's on a high

I have had some depression, anxiety over the years. This is how you feel when you believe you have found the long searched for solution. Such as a good counsellor, or read advice which explains things. However things don't always pan out as you expect . And in the end it is a multiple set of changes you, imv, need. And the problems with the depression and anxiety can still appear sometimes sooner sometiems later. Perhaps this isn't the case with DS but it's very early days. I am curious why he doesn't want to be a man.

Papayamya · 27/03/2022 13:06

@Noisyneighneigh

Before he couldn't even get out of bed but now he's busy most of the day. He's showering and making healthy meals. He baked bread yesterday and worked in the garden for a bit. It sounds like he's on a high

Or that he has pinned his hopes on something being a solution to his issues (but it wont). How many people think I'll be happy when I've lost some weight, I'll look better, people will treat me better, my problems will magically melt away. Or ah if I leave this job all of my issues will melt away- we pin hopes on stuff to distract us or that seem like a magic bullet to avoid addressing and dealing with things that go deeper and require more soul searching.

LondonWolf · 27/03/2022 13:35

Or that he has pinned his hopes on something being a solution to his issues (but it wont). How many people think I'll be happy when I've lost some weight, I'll look better, people will treat me better, my problems will magically melt away. Or ah if I leave this job all of my issues will melt away- we pin hopes on stuff to distract us or that seem like a magic bullet to avoid addressing and dealing with things that go deeper and require more soul searching

Very insightful. And when you first start off you feel awesome don't you? But it's just a temporary mask so those negative bad feelings soon come trickling back in.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/03/2022 14:17

@YellowBrickWall Nice post.

@Annette32123 Being deliberately and ridiculously literal to try to point score just isn’t a great look.

Bambooshoot · 27/03/2022 15:40

I fully support you, OP. I feel I will have this battle to face as my son has ADHD and is already having the nonsense that you can be born in the wrong body/pink and blue brains pushed on him at school.

I would feel desperately torn if he said he was a “woman” because I know it’s not possible to change sex, and if I go along with it I am pushing all women under the bus and endorsing our erasure from the single sex protections we need in hospitals, prisons, rape crisis centres, sports, women’s awards and all academic and professional programs originally intended to promote women and achieve equality. You clearly know all about this too.

The statistics show that transwomen retain the male statistics of violence and are more likely to be the attacker and not the victim. Regardless of whether I think my son is gentle and harmless, how can I agree to allow him to make other women lose out, self-exclude or be afraid? Yet this is my son, who I love unconditionally, how can I not support him, and risk him deciding to cut me out of his life? If I do, it’s a supreme act of selfishness on my part, putting him and my love for him ahead of women and their safety and dignity, saying to myself “it’s only one person, it’s my son, he’s different” when what I would really be saying is “the personal cost to me is too high for me to fight for other women here”. I don’t know if I could live with myself then.

I don’t have an answer but I really do send you support and understanding.

Bambooshoot · 27/03/2022 18:38

So sorry @YellowBrickWall - I hope my thoughts didn’t kill your post.

Annette32123 · 27/03/2022 19:46

[quote RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]@YellowBrickWall Nice post.

@Annette32123 Being deliberately and ridiculously literal to try to point score just isn’t a great look.[/quote]
A major feature of the trans debate is people using the word ‘literal’ in ways that are a lie and expecting people to believe they mean ‘literal’. That is a much worse look.

Terms like ‘misgendering is literal violence’, ‘literally wanting trans people to stop existing’, ‘dead-naming is literal violence’.

So when someone comes on this thread and uses the word ‘literal’ in a way that, as usual, is nonsense it is relevant. The sooner people like you and Daffy learn not to use the word ‘literal’ in general conversation, the better. Literally.

Annette32123 · 27/03/2022 19:47

Also note I’m not the one whose posts have been deleted for being offensive.

MuggleMadness · 27/03/2022 20:16

[quote Innocenta]@MuggleMadness If you want to cling to an incorrect understanding of how language works, I can't stop you! [/quote]
@Innocenta

If you want to join the labour ranks of not understanding what a woman is, I can't stop you.

MuggleMadness · 27/03/2022 20:21

@Nc123

The thing is, she’s not accepting her kid’s truth if she isn’t accepting the pronouns and names

She is allowed her own truth! The truth that a biological male cannot just choose to be a woman.

She's allowed to relate to her son as her son, not pretend he can be a woman

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 20:33

@MuggleMadness All you're doing is throwing cheap insults; it's pretty meaningless, isn't it? I suggest doing some reading.

ssd · 27/03/2022 20:38

It's really the choice of going along with what her child wants for now and keeping a bond and a relationship with her child or not being willing to do this.
At the end of the day, she keeps her child or loses them. I don't believe a man can be a woman and vice versa, no matter what you wear or call yourself...but if my child, who is grown up, wanted to identify as a dinosaur tomorrow and call himself t rex, I'd support them, if the alternative was to lose them.

ssd · 27/03/2022 21:06

What i mean is, i can understand your dilemma op but its not worth losing your child over

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/03/2022 21:23

@Annette32123

You're 'literally' telling me to not use the word 'literal' which I used, as far as I can see, in a perfectly grammatical and accurate in the context manner.

I think I'll make my own mind up about when I use words, thanks.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 21:30

@ssd

It's really the choice of going along with what her child wants for now and keeping a bond and a relationship with her child or not being willing to do this. At the end of the day, she keeps her child or loses them. I don't believe a man can be a woman and vice versa, no matter what you wear or call yourself...but if my child, who is grown up, wanted to identify as a dinosaur tomorrow and call himself t rex, I'd support them, if the alternative was to lose them.

Why do people keep saying this? The choice isn’t immediately agree with the person or ‘lose’ them. He lives in her house and they seem to be close. She isn’t likely to ‘lose her child.’ She disagrees with him but she has made no comments about chucking him out of the house/disowning him, and given that he has remained living in her home it sounds like she’s unlikely to lose him. It’s like pulling the string on the back of a doll, everyone using the exact same phrase ‘lose your child, support or lose your child, you’ll lose your child.’

She’s not going to lose her child. She knows exactly where he is and he doesn’t seem to be intending to leave.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 21:32

Where is it that op has suggested she might lose her child? And is that the new standard? Either immediately agree with everyone all the time no matter how it makes you feel or ‘lose them?’ To me that just sounds manipulative.

Annette32123 · 27/03/2022 22:22

[quote RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]@Annette32123

You're 'literally' telling me to not use the word 'literal' which I used, as far as I can see, in a perfectly grammatical and accurate in the context manner.

I think I'll make my own mind up about when I use words, thanks.[/quote]
And I’ll call you and your pals out every time they use the word literal in a nonsensical context. Like ‘literally gobsmacked’. And ‘literal violence’.

LondonWolf · 27/03/2022 22:44

Why do people keep saying this? The choice isn’t immediately agree with the person or ‘lose’ them. He lives in her house and they seem to be close. She isn’t likely to ‘lose her child.’ She disagrees with him but she has made no comments about chucking him out of the house/disowning him, and given that he has remained living in her home it sounds like she’s unlikely to lose him. It’s like pulling the string on the back of a doll, everyone using the exact same phrase ‘lose your child, support or lose your child, you’ll lose your child.

They say it because it's a big part of The Narrative. The Narrative being if you don't immediately affirm without question, you'll lose your child to suicide or they'll rightfully cut you off for being such a terrible bigot who is literally "denying their existence". This is why it is a cult. Cults separate children from their families so they can make use of them without interference. It's the same narrative that pretends that teachers must keep names and pronouns secret from parents because parents will react badly and more than likely disown or even abuse the child for being trans. This is disseminated as received wisdom when in fact the reverse is true because the majority of parents love their children and want what's best for them. I believe a big part of the trans movement is about separating children from their parents. It's incredibly sinister.

LondonWolf · 27/03/2022 22:49

Further to my last post, this kind of emotive, heightened rhetoric being fed to young people means that even the most gentle questioning of about their motivations to transition can be dismissed as dangerous, bigotry and abuse from which they must escape asap - straight into the arms of The Trans Community.

lordloveadog · 27/03/2022 23:03

If this man decides to reject his loving and supportive mother because she won't pretend he's female, it will be a colossal loss for him.

I hope some of the people near him have the wit to warn him of this. 'You can't make her say stuff she doesn't believe. You have to accept her as she is.'

Jannt86 · 27/03/2022 23:12

@LondonWolf

Further to my last post, this kind of emotive, heightened rhetoric being fed to young people means that even the most gentle questioning of about their motivations to transition can be dismissed as dangerous, bigotry and abuse from which they must escape asap - straight into the arms of The Trans Community.

Totally agree. The lack of genuine debate and refusal to accept that there could be an underlying reason a young person is feeling this way despite the evidence that many people experience gender confusion due to MH/developmental issues is scary. The Mermaids charity from my experience is horrendous for it. We will have utter regret for this ridiculous narritive in a couple of generations if it continues