Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

The reason why it's different to a child announcing they are gay is that one is a feeling, the other a being. Gay people do not claim to physically alter - they have different feelings. And I would agree that nobody has the right to tell another being what they do / don't feel so long as it uses harming anyone or thing. Whereas trans are literally stating their biological state is somehow incorrect and must therefore be changed. As others have said, whether you agree with OP or not her feelings are rooted in truth - there is no truth other than you cannot be male sex or female sex (hermaphrodites aside). OP respects it is entirely her son's right to FEEL what he wants but not to BE something he cannot be, nor to force her to pretend to feel the same thing.

The trouble is, OP, either way you lose a child. Either because they NC you for not respecting their false reality or because you go along with it and they metamorph into a different person - your son then dies so your daughter can be born. The only hope I think of some middle ground is, as other posters have suggested, appealing to your son to see that you love him dearly and will use the wording he wants and be happy for him to feel what he likes, but in return he must realise you cannot force yourself to believe something you don't- nor are you willing to erase the past, only to go forward openly into the future.

I don't think anyone cares how performatively shocked and horrified you are tbh. The usual attempts to shame people into compliance

Well said. Articulate what you think is wrong, and say why.

@Daffodils22

What if they decided to rape and murder? Would you love and support them unconditionally then ?!
Obviously I’m not comparing OP’s situation to that but she has legitimate concerns about what her son is doing and what’s her to do and he has no right to police her thinking and her speech in her own home. He needs to move out like the adult he is!

Honestly this thread is making me understand why there are so many entitled, precious young people around

@freckles20

This argument will run and run and maybe there is no right or wrong answer.

If my 23 year old DC with depression and MH challenges came to me with this I would accept it and offer support. My unconditional live for them wouldn't shake. This wouldn't extend to facilitating medical or pharmaceutical approaches but other than that as their mum I would support them.

Being rejected by a parent is huge, and IMO to be avoided at all costs.

I've thought about what you posted @freckles20

This wouldn't extend to facilitating medical or pharmaceutical approaches but other than that as their mum I would support them

You seem to be saying your line in the sand would be when they got to the point of wanting medical intervention. And then what, you would stop your support?

I've been where you are OP. At the time it was absolutely shit, I always thought I was

Quite liberal but when my son told me he was trans I struggled massively. Quite plainly because it just wasn't true. I've watched documentary's where it seemed quite obvious as the children on these programs were from a very young age displaying behaviour that they were born in the wrong body.
However, just like you I have always been very liberal and if my son wanted me to buy him a barbie doll, I absolutely would have, it just so happened that he was obsessed with Thomas the tank engine and everything and anything with wheels. And yes I know that doesn't mean anything these days but c,mon!
I felt that my son didn't like himself very much as he was a quite overweight and I asked him outright if he woke up tomorrow and was totally buff/muscly would he still want to transition..........
He paused for quite a long time and I think he realised that he was trying to escape who he was, everything about him that he didn't like. After that I decided to just not give the subject any air. If he wanted to talk about it I was open and honest about how I felt and we would talk openly and frankly. But I would never give him by blessing as such.

It's been roughly 3 years since he first came out- he also said he was gay at the same time he told me he was trans.
Since then he has professed to being totally in love with his best friend (female)
And has told me I don't need to worry about the trans thing now.
I like you, do think it's a trend, like coming out as gay was a few years back. It's young people being out there, thinking that they are so special and original in their thinking. I remember being that young and knowing everything! 🤦‍♀️😂
My son is diagnosed as autistic so I am aware that this does seem to be more apparent with autistic people. It is so so hard to deal with, but he is an adult and part of being an adult is accepting that people have different views and feelings.
He cannot simply wipe out his entire history and with that your family history based on something that he's just decided on. If you had any inkling of this throughout the years I'm sure you would be more prepared, however, totally out of the blue?

@YellowBrickWall

You asked me to clarify my previous comment and you said "You seem to be saying your line in the sand would be when they got to the point of wanting medical intervention. And then what, you would stop your support?"

I didn't mean that- apologies if it came across that way. What I meant was that I would not be comfortable encouraging or pushing for medical or surgical intervention on their behalf, (ie making it easier for them to make that happen). I would support them to do this if they wanted to, but that support would not include making it easier to make it happen- that would be for them to do themselves.

My rationale for this is that at 23 such a huge decision should be up to them to make along with medical professionals. Also, having researched this myself I can see that hormonal and surgical treatments have definite negatives to balance with the positives.

My earlier post mentioned unconditional love. I did not refer to unconditional support.

I do feel that the love that I have for my son would remain regardless of anything he did- including abhorrent acts. I'm sorry if that is unpalatable, but it is the truth, and in my case I am not able to 'unlove him' regardless of who he is or what he does.

So, yes I would love him at the same time as being 100% against such awful acts as those mentioned downthread. I would also be disgusted, angry, etc.. I would not protect him from the consequences and I would not forgive him.

However, my support is not unconditional. There are many things I would absolutely not support. There are also a whole host of things that I would support. Plus just to complicate things I guess there is a grey area of things inbetween that I'm not sure whether I could support or not.

If as a 23 year old man he told me he was trans, or identified as a woman I would support him. It is my decision to do that @YellowBrickWall, and your decision can be different.

@LondonWolf

Agree! I’m literally gobsmacked

I don't think anyone cares how performatively shocked and horrified you are tbh. The usual attempts to shame people into compliance 🙄

Give it a rest unless have something worthwhile to say

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Daffodils22

What if they decided to rape and murder? Would you love and support them unconditionally then ?!
Obviously I’m not comparing OP’s situation to that but she has legitimate concerns about what her son is doing and what’s her to do and he has no right to police her thinking and her speech in her own home. He needs to move out like the adult he is!

Honestly this thread is making me understand why there are so many entitled, precious young people around[/quote]
Oh ffs really

@Daffodils22
Yeah, really!

It is at 11, when a child has non idea who or what they are and should just be a child

Oops! Tried to quote someone’s post but it obviously didn’t work 😬

@Daffodils22

“a trend” wow how ignorant

Not ignorant at all.

Read more diverse material and you might recognise that the opposite is true.

@Daffodils22

Some of these comments are shocking! It’s your child ffs you support and love them unconditionally

The Op is loving and supporting him.

He is her son. She has given no indication that her love has disappeared.

And she is supporting him. Literally.

Daffodils22

Tuaca
You all sound horrible
Agree! I’m literally gobsmacked

@Daffodils22
You are saying that your mouth has been smacked. Literally. Yet we are all physically far away from you. Are you self harming? Did someone you live with see your posts and hit you? No matter what nonsense you type, that is not ok. Are you in need of assistance?

Even if it is just a phase - he will remember whether you supported him or not. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide. A parents job isn’t to “judge” our kids decisions, it’s to support them as they figure it out themselves. You sound like you are trying to control him, that will backfire. Cringy as it sounds - be his safe harbour in this storm.

Give it a rest unless have something worthwhile to say

Says the poster who has contributed precisely nothing to this thread apart from repeatedly, breathlessly telling everyone what massive meanies they are

I thought that London !

@SunshinePie

Even if it is just a phase - he will remember whether you supported him or not. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide. A parents job isn’t to “judge” our kids decisions, it’s to support them as they figure it out themselves. You sound like you are trying to control him, that will backfire. Cringy as it sounds - be his safe harbour in this storm.

Please don't repeat crass and inaccurate statements about suicide.

www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/

@SunshinePie

Even if it is just a phase - he will remember whether you supported him or not. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide. A parents job isn’t to “judge” our kids decisions, it’s to support them as they figure it out themselves. You sound like you are trying to control him, that will backfire. Cringy as it sounds - be his safe harbour in this storm.

No they don’t.

www.transgendertrend.com/the-suicide-myth/

@SunshinePie

Even if it is just a phase - he will remember whether you supported him or not. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide. A parents job isn’t to “judge” our kids decisions, it’s to support them as they figure it out themselves. You sound like you are trying to control him, that will backfire. Cringy as it sounds - be his safe harbour in this storm.

I'm not sure about that but I agree awareness is important. I think trans identified men are most at risk after affirmative surgery.

Or maybe he will remember that his Mum did support him, loved him and ultimately had his best interests at heart. Even if it wasn't blind affirmation.

@SunshinePie

Even if it is just a phase - he will remember whether you supported him or not. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide. A parents job isn’t to “judge” our kids decisions, it’s to support them as they figure it out themselves. You sound like you are trying to control him, that will backfire. Cringy as it sounds - be his safe harbour in this storm.

No they don't, this gets trotted out all of the time despite having no foundation in evidence. Of course any suicide is a tragedy and as a society we should be aiming to identify and mitigate the risks- but its often used as an inaccurate stat to try and emotionally blackmail people into unwaveringly agreeing with and going along with trans ideology.

A parents job also isn't to blindly and without question affirm their thoughts.