Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

@Tuaca

You all sound horrible

Agree! I’m literally gobsmacked

@SoyaChai

In the Katie/tea situation, I would personally just use "they", I use it a lot anyway even for people who aren't trans.

Although why would you reply with "Yes, Katie'll have a cup of tea", just sound weird. "Yes they would" or just "yes please" is fine.
"Would they like cake too?" "They said yes please"

You seriously use "they" instead of "he" or "she?" It's not a good example but the conversation is meant to sound stilted, if you are having a conversation about someone, it doesn't take long to start using pronouns. In many cases the subject of the conversation will not be present, which is why it's unreasonable that trans identified people want others to constantly modify their language. It's very difficult to control how others talk about you.

I don’t find the ‘cult’ analogy amusing @Tuaca. It’s chillingly accurate imo. Even in this very thread, someone suggested the OP’s child would find another, better family- a rainbow glitter family, presumably. We’ve all seen the middle aged males on Twitter identifying as TW or NB or just beardy wokebros inviting youngsters to direct message them if their families have transphobicly failed to get on board with the stunning and brave transformation of a vulnerable youngster with mental illness or neurodiversity.

@Daffodils22 I find users of Mumsnet refreshingly gender critical. Makes a change to overly and aggressive moderated discussions where commenters are banned or muted for telling the truth otherwise known as "transphobia"

Agree! I’m literally gobsmacked

I don't think anyone cares how performatively shocked and horrified you are tbh. The usual attempts to shame people into compliance 🙄

Literally!

Love abs support unconditionally does not mean agree to their every demand

As mugtastic says your job as a parent is not to be a doormat to adult children. I have raised 4 - youngest is nearly an adult and still at home - and I have had several lines in the sand - they all know if they bring drugs home for example they are out - I will not spend my life putting up with behaviour in my own home/my sanctuary that causes me stress, makes my life hell or puts younger siblings in harms way. I love them but I'm not spending my life like that - it's the only one I have and we have to respect each other. I have put them them thru University and helped out financially when I can but 23 is time for them to live independently. If they can't then they would have to respect my home and me.

You matter Yellow - you don't have to put up with anything in your own home. He is free to make his choices but he has to live with the consquences of them. If the situation/relationship is toxic and makes you constantly stressed and anxious you have to change it if you can.

@DomesticatedZombie

You're laughing Tueca? How come?

Because she has no rebuttal. Faux shock, outrage, guilt tripping and insults are all the cultists have.

I understand that this much be a huge shock, and that it's really challenging for you to get your head around, but is anything worth losing your relationship with your child over? I can't imagine any circumstance where I wouldn't do absolutely anything to be there for my children in whatever way they need, no matter the cost to me. I understand you are feeling all sorts of really difficult feelings, but if this is the phase you believe it is and you treat them with nothing but kindness and respect, you will have shown them that they can trust you with anything, and if this is who they are - no matter how much it makes you uncomfortable - you've kept them in your life, and you in theirs. They will know you love them and support unconditionally. This is your child. They only have one Mum. If you possibly can, please don't let your discomfort keep you from them when they need to know you are there for them no matter what. Sorry you're having such a tough time

Hmm... so mum and adult child feel discomfort but it's up to mum to put up and shut up to keep the peace.
My sympathy op, I wouldn't be doing that either.

Lots of panic over losing adult children relationships in this thread.
It's part of growing up. For both parent and child.

You mend the bridges when you are ready. Not by compelled speech on either side as a short term plaster to a massive rift which is what is already happening.

If my child joined the Taliban or murdered a child I don't think the relationship would survive

Thai "anything to save the relationship " is basically saying " never stand up for yourselves and your belief just let them do whatever they want "

It's be kind in disguise

@LaraDeSalle

At 23 he should be well on his way to being an independent adult, so it’s probably best to help your relationship with him, if he started being independent in his own home.

I agree with that. I don't see why you have to be overly involved in his gender status business anyway, you could just accept him and let him get on with it but - far better he moves out. He's 23, a grown man, so is probably not just going through a phase or being trendy like a school boy; it's likely to be the real thing

It's good that he now has a job, please support him in getting his own place. You'll both be happier in the long run and, however you feel now, you will get used to it. These things take time and living under the same roof is not particularly helpful.

Good luck.

[quote Noisyneighneigh]@Daffodils22 I find users of Mumsnet refreshingly gender critical. Makes a change to overly and aggressive moderated discussions where commenters are banned or muted for telling the truth otherwise known as "transphobia"[/quote]
Too right and long may it continue to be that way.

@mudgetastic

If my child joined the Taliban or murdered a child I don't think the relationship would survive

Thai "anything to save the relationship " is basically saying " never stand up for yourselves and your belief just let them do whatever they want "

It's be kind in disguise

Seriously you are likening transitioning to murdering 🙄

They will know you love them and support unconditionally

I don't know - there are times I wouldn't support my child in their decisions if I was convinced it was to their detriment.

"🤣😂🤣😂"

What a well crafted and thought provoking contribution @Tuaca . You have really given me a lot to think about.

@Tuaca I wish it was funny it's actually sad and a little scary that people believe this

ISince it often reduces someone's lifespan it is a form of self harm
So yes I think I stand by your analogy

It wasn't my analogy however

My statements was a response to people saying that in all Circumstances they would always support / agree with their child to save the relationship

[quote autienotnaughty]@Tuaca I wish it was funny it's actually sad and a little scary that people believe this [/quote]
Agreed.

I find a lot of the comments on here very scary.

@Daffodils22

Some of these comments are shocking! It’s your child ffs you support and love them unconditionally

Absolutely, and that is why all toddlers are allowed ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

If you love anyone unconditionally it automatically means you do whatever they ask at all times.

I find a lot of the comments on here very scary.

Which ones and what are you scared of specifically?

I found the ones saying that any
Female who found puberty hard was therefore a boy quite scary

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie. You find the truth scary? I find the comments scary because it seems we are living in an orwellian nightmare.

I cannot fathom how people who support life long paths of untested medication regimes and painful, high failure rates of surgery on healthy bodies

Especially when “trans” children and young people are more likely to undergo a medical pathway than adults. Children are readily out on a puberty blocker/hormones/maybe surgery pathway.

Yet, middle aged men almost always remain intact, grow their hair or wear a wig if they’re balding and there you have it, they’re a woman!

Girls seem to be collateral damage, with their “top surgery”, uterine atrophy, permanent clitoromegaly and Donald Duck voice from testosterone.

Boys definitely “pass” as girls with puberty blockers and cross sexual hormones.

But it’s macabre what there bodies end up like. A boy who has had blockers after the first signs of male puberty will have essentially Prepubertal genitals that don’t function sexually. This is a successful outcome. And then these boys - who look like girls - are supposed to enter the world happy as they pass as their desired “gender”. Who will want an intimate relationship with them? Will they be capable of intimacy in the absence of desire? Who benefits from adults with the penises of a 9 year old boy?

Im wondering more about the people who have been driving this ideology.