Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

If puberty causes distress you could be transgender ?

Gosh I am a male after all

I'd still prefer a male body.

I have a blind friend . He's prefer a body with working eyes. Wishing doesn't make something true.

Support your child OP but support them
To become healthy and happy in themselves
I think they are perfect already to you - that's what they need as support

So you want trans people, who are already in a vulnerable group as shown by the views on this thread, to have to use a separate trans identifiable space

Why, what's wrong with being trans? Why would it be negative to use a trans space? Why can't people feel proud of who they are ie a transwoman or transman without feeling like they require validation from a group that is far, far, far more vulnerable than they are (transmen aside, but this is never about them is it)?

@SnowCatya

Every single person who has gone through puberty has at some point felt distress.

This may be true, but I don't recall wanting a male body at any point during puberty. I remember when people would call me a "boy" because of my short hair, skinny body etc. It felt awful, I didn't want to be called a boy and the thought that my face may have been masculine enough to look male was distressing. Because I was female and I wanted to look female and be recognised as that. Why would I want to look like a man? The though is repulsive to me.

Exactly my point.

So basically because I hated puberty and hate my female body you think I am actually male?

Yet I still suffer sexual abuse ,being paid 10% less than my male colleagues , being talked over at work despite being the only world expert in the room ???

Seems to me that there is not much point on being male if you clearly look female?

So therefore I should undertake hormonal
And surgery to help people see my inner masculinity? Shorten my life and sterilise myself ????

Load of utter hateful rubbish

The irony is that those blindly going along with this ideology and parroting "be kind" are the least inclusive of all.

They're not inclusive of women's rights. As they believe that the feelings of a small group of men are more important than the safeguarding of women when it comes to single sex spaces.

They're not inclusive of gay people. They argue that a lesbian is transphonic if she does not want to have sex with someone with a penis.

It is a sexist and homophobic ideology. It plays on regressive stereotypes that a man can "feel like a woman"......well how exactly? What does feeling like a woman entail? Because it isn't wearing a dress and some lipstick or being overtly "feminine." The only thing that unites all women is biology.

What would be really inclusive would be to ensure that transmen and transwomen could live free from persecution and with acceptance. That does not mean that TWAW. Third, mixed sex spaces could be used by everyone, trans people, men and women alike. Surely that is inclusion? Because saying the rights of trans people are more important than the rights of women certainly isn't.

Susie Green is talking shit, puberty blockers are often prescribed off label and we have no idea of the long term effects of unnecessarily meddling with puberty. She is a very questionable parent.

Seems to me that there is not much point on being male if you clearly look female?

I don't think all transmen "look female" at all personally.

Relevant reading:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/treatment/

I do look female

To not look female would require surgery
I appreciate that this is not the case for every female but I have a lot more boob than any man

Yet according to the posts below , I am not female

@saltedcaramelanything

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

This is the bit find is where society has confused the issue.

If he's completely unhappy in his body he's u happy with his sex - not gender.

There is no explanation of what gender is for male and females. Only societies ideas which we have fought hard over the years to dispel.

It's such a worry that even when I have conversations in RL people say things like sex/gender - 🤷‍♀️ the the same thing.

They just aren't and we need an actual definition and correct usage from the top downwards to stop confusing this situation.

Male sex and female sex born humans can wear what they want and like what they want. It doesn't change their biological hormonal make up or their sex organs.

To me, the clue is in 'he had mental health issues'. I'm sorry and I know a lot of people will hate me for this but I believe that the current wave of trandgender issues is a form of mass hysteria. Having said that, as as a mother myself, I would do what I can to not alienate him. As a pp said, its not the hill you want to die on. You don't have to use his new name if it upsets you. I'm sorry, but you don't. But don't use the old one either. You will have to tread a careful line. My cousin is currently going through this with her 17 year old daughter. It is not uncommon among her friends. My children are older (30s). I don't know one single child from those days who transgendered. Then or subsequently. Why? Sorry for the rant. I see what my cousin goes through and it upsets me.

@Itsgettingweird. I used to think they were the same thing. When I was at school teachers said it was just a synonym of sex. Then I learnt about gender roles, gender expression and how your gender doesn't necessarily match your sex More research led me to John Money and his horrible experiments and now am in the "gender does not exist" camp. I used to be a tad irritated by sex-not-gender types. I am now one of them.

Just rtft, and am so annoyed by all the 'just love him, be kind' posts.

The OP does love her son, and is kind. She just doesn't want to have to go along with living a lie, in her own home.

Trouble is, how many of us have wished we could just start again? How many of us have wished to be someone else, especiallyduring puberty?

Young people are now being told, not only is that possible, but it's fashionable, and anyone who questions it is bigoted.

Of course, I'd rather be labelled a fashionable, interesting person, than autistic.

Plus autistic girls who are by their nature are logical, of course see that being a boy and man is waaay less problematic than being a girl and woman.

They are all being let down by spineless adults who are too cowardly to challenge this.

I'm so sorry for you OP

@A580Hojas

ancientgran - you are not seriously trying to suggest someone changing their name is anything akin to a child insisting their parent pretend they are the opposite sex?

One of my Uni friends changed her name. My husband changed his name. Our best friend's dd changed her name. The parents might have been slightly miffed for a while but it is EASY to accept that someone wants to change their name.

It is not EASY to pretend someone is female when they are male, or vice versa.

The OP is refusing point blank to use the name her child wishes to be known by, it is exactly the same.

I haven't seen anything in the OPs posts about being asked to declare her son is now her daughter, I haven't seen anything about having to declare she believes you can change sex. I have seen the OP being asked to call her son by the name he has chosen. I ignore the pronouns issue as how often do we need to use pronouns when with our children?

@ancientgran
How often do we need to use pronouns?! Quite often actually

@ancientgran

So you think that trans people are the same as people who don't like one diminutive of their given name and prefer another diminutive? Like you.

You can tell how often people use pronouns just by reading this thread because so many people are saying 'your child' instead so it's clunky reading and it stands out.

[quote risefromyourgrave]@ancientgran I guess it depends on what you mean by ‘supportive’.
I have and will always be my children’s biggest cheerleader, I think they’re all great. (Of course!)

But what I mean by being supportive is that I always told him I loved him, no matter what, but I also made him aware of what being ‘transgender’ actually means. I (gently) told him that whatever surgery and medication he had, he would always be fighting biology. He could never just ‘be’. Transitioning doesn’t mean pressing a button and becoming the opposite sex. It means a lifetime of hard work ‘pretending’, for want of a better word, to be something he can never be.

What breaks my heart is all these people cheerleading for confused kids, making them believe that it’s all sunshine and rainbows, all ‘yaaaas queen’ when it is a life of hardship, and should only be followed after serious consideration. If lockdown had not happened my son would now be nearly 3 years into transition and all the stress and heartache that causes. Instead he is living his best male life at university, dating males and females, finally happy with who he is.

And his hair is his crowning glory, it’s beautiful and the envy of many people! He takes more care of it than anyone I’ve ever known![/quote]
I see that but what do you think would have been his reaction if you had just refused to consider that this might be what he needed, or refused to use a name he chose (I don't know if he did)? As I said before I think it can push people into a corner if you make it a war, not just this but anything really tattooes, piercings, smoking, it always feels to me that going in all guns blazing and being horrified and forbidding it tends to make people more determined to do it and I suppose the opposite it like you pointing out the negatives like are you sure you will always want I love Megan on your arm? Is a piercing through your whatever painful? I guess you might not do so well in your sport if you smoke but obviously if that's more important to you.

With my 4 the tactics generally worked, no one got the piercing they were thinking of, no one got the tattoo they were thinking of, one is a smoker. I tend to think the results might have been different if I'd said I can't accept that, I don't like tattooes/piercings/smoking and you can't ask me to change my opinion.

It might be an interesting study for someone to see how a parents reaction and support/lack of support/outright hostility affects the outcome.

@RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie

I'm 100% in favour of single cubicle unisex toilets and changing rooms.

I'll vote for that. In fact in my town they have done it with the toilets. Proper brick built single units with nice strong doors. It's great as long as you don't have horrors like I saw this morning when I was out, a used sanitary towel lying on the floor. Who wants to see that? Who wants their young children to see it?

@ancientgran
Lol would piercings have been that terrible?!

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@ancientgran
How often do we need to use pronouns?! Quite often actually[/quote]
When talking to our children? It might be revolutionary but I use their names, the ones they choose which aren't always the ones I gave them.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@ancientgran
Lol would piercings have been that terrible?![/quote]
For me yes, I think I'm phobic about them. I feel sick if someone is fiddling with them.

@ancientgran
Presumably OP’s son would want her to use his preferred pronouns when not with him, so when talking to others she would say she rather than he and my daughter rather than my son

[quote TulipsfromAsda]@ancientgran

So you think that trans people are the same as people who don't like one diminutive of their given name and prefer another diminutive? Like you. [/quote]
I think the OP is making a big deal about using the name her son wants to be called, just like some of my family do about my name. She hasn't said he's demanded she agrees he's a woman he wants her to use his name. Hardly difficult is it.

@YellowDots

You can tell how often people use pronouns just by reading this thread because so many people are saying 'your child' instead so it's clunky reading and it stands out.

Exactly. You can only avoid it for so long before constantly using someone's name sounds weird.

Person A. (Trying to avoid pronouns)Did Richar- I mean Katie want a cup of tea?
Person B.( also trying to avoid pronoun issue)Yes Katie'll have a cup of tea.
Person A. Could you go and ask hi- Katie if Katie would like cake too?