Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Can't cope with DS being transgender

1000 replies

YellowBrickWall · 25/03/2022 12:57

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 07:27

The DSD community has asked repeatedly to be left out of this. It's nothing to do with them. And many are offended at the idea that they somehow aren't really male or female.

If there's a third sex, there must be a third gamete. Come back when you've found it.

DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 07:39

Oh, and because this probably needs saying too: it isn't about external genitals, although those will get you right close to 100% of the time. It's about gametes.

You will never, ever pass from one reproductive sex class to the other. It simply isn't possible. You may make alterations to your body to resemble the other sex, you may even pass and be very attractive, but your body will never change sex. It'll be its natal sex forever, just medically altered to look different. It would still be its natal sex even if you took reproductive organs out of someone else's body and grafted them into or on to your own. I can graft rabbit ears to my head, I'm still a human.

Annette32123 · 26/03/2022 07:42

@DrSbaitso
That would look adorable……

EishetChayil · 26/03/2022 07:45

To all the ardent "be kind" advocates who have commented here, can I ask - how did you come to these beliefs? Was it school? University? Your peers? Workplace training?

I'm not a journalist but I'm interested in identifying where this sort of thinking originates.

Because surely (SURELY) you can't believe that it's best for a child or young adult to put themselves on a medical pathway that leads to lifelong medication and sterilisation.

Surely you see that it isn't the same as gay rights.

So where is this passionate belief coming from?

DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 07:51

[quote Annette32123]@DrSbaitso
That would look adorable……[/quote]
Hugh Hefner certainly thought so.

Weirdly, an exploitative old lech who built an empire on selling images of female flesh and using it himself (and frequently didn't pay the suppliers) never had any trouble working out who the women were.

autienotnaughty · 26/03/2022 07:53

Your poor child, to not be accepted by your parents can have a devastating impact. I appreciate you have strong views but can you not educate yourself, listen to your child and be open to what they are saying/experiencing? Are you so sure you are right and they are wrong that you are prepared to potentially lose them over this?

DoubleTweenQueen · 26/03/2022 07:58

@YellowBrickWall. You need to join this lovely band of people bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Lots of parents going through all too similar issues, and I believe there is a specific section for parents of young adults.

It sounds as though your son has recently experienced a mental health crisis which needs addressing, and that his confidence in himself is terribly low?
I would not be using new name/pronouns either as the start of social transtion which has psychological impact

I would feel he needs to be supported to build confidence in who he is as a young man, 'feminine', or whatever.

Other sources of info and support can be found here genspect.org/

If you get in touch with them, Stella O'Malley holds regular zooms for supporting parents.

You are not alone x

CheekySwifter · 26/03/2022 08:04

Why is everyone referring to a 23 year old man as a child???

mudgetastic · 26/03/2022 08:05

Because your child is always your child
Especially when they are behaving immaturely ,
especially when they need help but you are not sure what the right help is

DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 08:06

@CheekySwifter

Why is everyone referring to a 23 year old man as a child???
He's the OP's adult child.
Noisyneighneigh · 26/03/2022 08:07

@CheekySwifter

Why is everyone referring to a 23 year old man as a child???
An adult doesn't stop being their mother's child.
CheekySwifter · 26/03/2022 08:12

He is her son, he is not a child. Stop infantilising him.

mudgetastic · 26/03/2022 08:16

It's her feelings we are being considerate of not his, he's not here

And perhaps also personally I find it hard to respect anyone who think gender is important and is willing to put his relationship with his parent at risk over gender . Act like a brat , be treated like a brat

Noisyneighneigh · 26/03/2022 08:18

@EishetChayil

To all the ardent "be kind" advocates who have commented here, can I ask - how did you come to these beliefs? Was it school? University? Your peers? Workplace training?

I'm not a journalist but I'm interested in identifying where this sort of thinking originates.

Because surely (SURELY) you can't believe that it's best for a child or young adult to put themselves on a medical pathway that leads to lifelong medication and sterilisation.

Surely you see that it isn't the same as gay rights.

So where is this passionate belief coming from?

Some just fall for the trans brainwashing and never look that deeply into it and some just see the vitriol directed towards TERFs and decide they don't want be on the "wrong" side of the fence. Too much time on SM reading or listening to emotion based arguments? I bet you not one could describe in detail what it means to be transphobic as it's just hurled at anyone who easily shows how full of holes their argument is. Anyone who asks reasonable questions or objects to the denial of basic biological facts is described as transphobic.
grapewines · 26/03/2022 08:19

@LoopyDream

Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her

How, glib can you be?
autienotnaughty · 26/03/2022 08:26

@CheekySwifter

Why is everyone referring to a 23 year old man as a child???
They are the op child. I've refrained from using he or she to avoid derailment
DearMallorie · 26/03/2022 08:26

*Let me help you out OP.

The correct pronoun is ‘she’ or ‘her’. She has a new name she wants you to use. Stop deadnaming her*
Just because you live in a LoopyDream doesn't mean the rest of us have to.

headspin10 · 26/03/2022 08:31

I'm really shocked by the responses here.

It's your child, it's about them. Not about you as a parent. It probably took a huge amount of guts for them to talk about this. They need your support!!

Reminds me of how gay children were treated 30 years ago 'it's a phase' 'I don't agree' 'it's wrong'. Sad Awful .

Please just try to support her.

Bagelsandbrie · 26/03/2022 08:34

@headspin10

I'm really shocked by the responses here.

It's your child, it's about them. Not about you as a parent. It probably took a huge amount of guts for them to talk about this. They need your support!!

Reminds me of how gay children were treated 30 years ago 'it's a phase' 'I don't agree' 'it's wrong'. Sad Awful .

Please just try to support her.

I agree with you. I think we are in the minority on Mumsnet sadly.
DoubleTweenQueen · 26/03/2022 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DrSbaitso · 26/03/2022 08:40

Reminds me of how gay children were treated 30 years ago 'it's a phase' 'I don't agree' 'it's wrong'.Awful .

As opposed to now, when they are being called "sexual racists" and "genital fetishists" and told they could be attracted to the opposite sex if they can reason themselves out of their prejudice.

DoubleTweenQueen · 26/03/2022 08:40

@headspin10 Also, your rush to try and equate this situation to LGB prejudice is quite telling.
We see you

mudgetastic · 26/03/2022 08:42

It's the type of support that is needed which is the question

Is it ever right to support someone to identify as transgender ?

Why might it be wrong to support as they request? It's not being true to yourself , you are hiding or changing aspects of your self to appear other than you really are. Changes that are physically harmful. He is a male who prefers aspects of expression that are often associated with being female , not a female. By not choosing to present as he is, he ensures that others think the only way to be a none conforming male is to take harmful hormones , subject their body to surgery . In the case of females this can lead to significant reduced life expectancy ( not sure about males )

Why might it be right? People feel very strongly that a new identity will help them and so you risk breaking the relationship

If your child said that the were going to
Join the Taliban i doubt people would shout unconditional support back at you , yet that is what you are told by some ?

If someone underweight wanted your support to diet because they saw themselves as far I doubt this would be a question

grapewines · 26/03/2022 08:46

The fact that I'm bisexual has never required anyone to use different pronouns around me. Piggybacking is right.

Also, why is OP's son's mental health more important than hers? Parents are individuals separate from their children (or they should be). A 23 year old man can make his decisions about how to identify, but not to the detriment of his mother. Then he should move out and live his life separately from the family home.

HMSSophia · 26/03/2022 08:49

@SomePosters

Love your child as they are or be prepared to lose them over your rejection

It’s your choice. They don’t have to alter themselves to suit your beliefs

If they joined a Far right party? If they raped and murdered? If they tortured kittens?
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.