Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

@Abigail12345654321

Not at all surprised he has mental health issues.

Like with men suddenly behaving oddly and we all say 'cherchez la femme', when people have kids who suddenly decide they are trans, it's 'chechez la real issue'.

He's unhappy. He's looking for a cause and a solution. This is a wonderful distraction for him and allows him to avoid the real cause of his unhappiness.

Don't get distracted. Totally agree you shouldn't indulge in the fiction at this point - if he decides to make it legal you can revisit then but he hasn't so it's not an issue now. Focus on why he is unhappy with his life. What his hopes and dreams and aspirations are. Get him moving down a path that will help him achieve his goals. Otherwise he will sit and navel gaze his life away.

Spot on.

Does he actually believe he is a woman or does he want to be trans?

The fact he has not considered the impact on women makes me think he really isn't one.

I think a discussion about what it means to be a woman and how he is feeling is start.

I would also talk to him about his MH, being trans is not going to make that any better or any worse, he will still be him.

Tell him you love him who ever he is, but that you know he will never be a woman. He can have surgery and hormone treatment to become a facsimile of a woman but he can never be one.

Debbie Hayton on twitter is good to start some research, Debbie is a trans woman who knows she is a man.

Oh and introduce him to the 1980s idea of 'gender bending'.

I may sound flippant OP I don't mean to be but it is the way I come across sometimes.

Why are people equating trans people with gay people? That is like saying that dogs and horses are the same because they’re not cats.

OP, your position is horrific and I'm so sorry for the facile nonsense you've had to read on this thread.

The personal, mother and son, and wider family, challenges and pain arising from what may well be a "phase", albeit a phase of confusion and sense of alienation from the world for your son, are so vast and complicated - and you are right that trying to find a gender critical therapist is going to be nigh on impossible. I'm so sorry. You are living the personal reality and consequences of the ludicrous lengths that TWAW activists have taken the issue.

Using a new name and pronouns for your child doesn't mean you believe he has changed sex and is literally a women. I understand you don't buy into the wider trans culture and properganda but I don't think all trans people do either!

@MumUndone

Using a new name and pronouns for your child doesn't mean you believe he has changed sex and is literally a women. I understand you don't buy into the wider trans culture and properganda but I don't think all trans people do either!

Nor is it an insignificant step!

@EishetChayil

To all the ardent "be kind" advocates who have commented here, can I ask - how did you come to these beliefs? Was it school? University? Your peers? Workplace training?

I'm not a journalist but I'm interested in identifying where this sort of thinking originates.

Because surely (SURELY) you can't believe that it's best for a child or young adult to put themselves on a medical pathway that leads to lifelong medication and sterilisation.

Surely you see that it isn't the same as gay rights.

So where is this passionate belief coming from?

My belief in calling people the name they choose is because I did it. I was given a name when I was born just like everyone else, my family chose a short version of that name that they liked. I hate it, I'm not that bothered about my given name it is just something on paper that I've never been called by anyone who knows me, I might hear it at the dentists or doctors but they might have to call me twice as it doesn't register. The name my family chose to use I hate, I mean it isn't just something I wouldn't choose it makes me distressed if people use it. I chose something else, strangely the name I chose is probably regarded by some as male but that wasn't the issue with me, I just prefer it and from about 8 I asked people to use it, at 11 I insisted people use it and still some family refused. I think that is just rude.

I won't give my actual name but it is something like my name is Georgina, my family call me Gina and I chose to be George.

I don't think people are being kind when they call me George, I think they are being reasonable well mannered people.

Can you tell me where you got the idea you can dictate what I want to be called?

@headspin10

I'm really shocked by the responses here.

It's your child, it's about them. Not about you as a parent. It probably took a huge amount of guts for them to talk about this. They need your support!!

Reminds me of how gay children were treated 30 years ago 'it's a phase' 'I don't agree' 'it's wrong'. Awful .

Please just try to support her.

Perhaps you're shocked because you haven't thought very deeply about the situation. It is in no way close to same sex attraction. All the family needs to do is accept homosexuality and meet a same sex partner. If you choose to go along with trans ideology, you must modify your language and pretend to yourself and everyone else that you see a woman when your eyes are screaming man. It's like forcing yourself to say black is white. Sex recognition is innate.

How can you say it's only about the trans identified person when their identity relies on external validation from other people.

@headspin10 I agree with you. It's horribly difficult for parents (believe me, I know) but a million times more difficult for the individual. All parents can do is try to be supportive. The alternative is to lose their child completely.

Not sure if someone else has suggested this but why don't you use gender neutral pronouns? They/them/their?

I think your son needs to meet you somewhere. Expecting you to change your past, that you gave birth to a boy and removing photos I don't think is reasonable.

But perhaps acknowledging that it has been a journey to him feeling that he is a transwoman.

@RedRobyn2021 but isnt using neutral pronouns just as (apparently) disrespectful as using him/he to @YellowBrickWall's son?

He hasn't said he is non-binary. He has said he feels like he is female. They/their isn't how he feels.

@YellowBrickWall Thank you for your articulate posts. I would feel exactly as you do.

This must be so tough 🙁

To all those suggesting acceptance or unconditional support

Well actually to the OP - see the end if this is a bit long

As a young person donkeys years ago I identified as male , male name , short hair , refused girlie clothes . It went pretty deep and I had some pretty dark ideas.

Even today I will dream with myself as a man, even today when people get my name or sex wrong ( work remote with a lot with other nationalities,) I feel pleased and would never ever correct anybody

Anyway

Back then of course transgender was a real niche . My parents didn't tolerate anything beyond the clothes and hair , but they did massively support me in other ways. To help me recognise that my sex did not define who I was . To accept my physical body and reject society restrictions

One significant day , I was working on the car with my dad, he couldn't reach something - but my smaller girls hand could. He made some comment about the usefulness of that - my girls body wasn't a limitation, it was an asset when it came to mending our car. It was really something

My dad was always on the lookout for role models for me - female scientists in particular. People who didn't let their sex hold the back or stop them living their lives as they wanted

Their love and support and guidance saw me through that decade of difficulty . They accepted me as I really am, not as I wanted to be.

They gave unconditional support but not the type I thought was needed

If they joined a Far right party? If they raped and murdered? If they tortured kittens?

Hard to believe you've just drawn those equivalencies with the issue at hand. You're either vitriolically anti trans or creating a straw man deliberately.

If they joined a Far right party? If they raped and murdered? If they tortured kittens?

This is a million miles away from being trans! You can't be serious.

personally I find it hard to respect anyone who think gender is important and is willing to put his relationship with his parent at risk over gender . Act like a brat , be treated like a brat

No words really. Be old and alone, perhaps.

@autienotnaughty

Your poor child, to not be accepted by your parents can have a devastating impact. I appreciate you have strong views but can you not educate yourself, listen to your child and be open to what they are saying/experiencing? Are you so sure you are right and they are wrong that you are prepared to potentially lose them over this?

I HAVE educated myself.

I have been learning about current transgender trends ever since I first heard of the 'female' penis about ten years ago.

I have written to my MP several times, I have signed petitions, I have donated to fundraisers to support women who are having to go to court. I have followed the sports issues right from Rachel McKinnon to Lia Thomas. I have read about ROGD and the massive increase in referrals. I have followed the whistleblowing at Tavistock and the disgraced Webberleys and Dr Harrop. I was glued to Maya's court case last week and Keira's earlier case - now there's a brave young lady.

I know that stonewall includes part time cross dressers and autogynephiles under their umbrella. I know that Mermaids delivered false legal information in their training re EA2010. I followed the Nolan podcast and I know that the BBC, House of Lords and EHRC have stopped funding stonewall via their workplace training as they are not impartial. I know that the suicide stats are false, I know JKR didn't write what they say she did because I read it.

I know about the risks to women by opening up single sex places to anyone who wants to use them. I know they don't have to wear a dress to get in, I know they don't have to actually say they identify as female, they can just march on in their with their dick swinging - wii spa anyone?

I know it's not transgender people who are the risk, it's men. But men are shutting down the safeguarding by shouting transphobia and every bloody idiot who can't see the truth before their eyes goes along with it.

And globally, in some countries, girls as young as 9 can be married to men of any age and they can't identity out of it. THAT is oppression. My son is a privileged male appropriating womanhood. He will never face the oppression that those women and girls around the globe do. I'm not going to have him telling me what a woman is or how it feels to be a woman because he has no idea.

So don't tell me to educate myself. Educate YOURSELF.

ancientgran - you are not seriously trying to suggest someone changing their name is anything akin to a child insisting their parent pretend they are the opposite sex?

One of my Uni friends changed her name. My husband changed his name. Our best friend's dd changed her name. The parents might have been slightly miffed for a while but it is EASY to accept that someone wants to change their name.

It is not EASY to pretend someone is female when they are male, or vice versa.

My son is a privileged male appropriating womanhood. He will never face the oppression that those women and girls around the globe do. I'm not going to have him telling me what a woman is or how it feels to be a woman because he has no idea.

This is how I (would) feel as well.

@mudgetastic

To all those suggesting acceptance or unconditional support

Well actually to the OP - see the end if this is a bit long

As a young person donkeys years ago I identified as male , male name , short hair , refused girlie clothes . It went pretty deep and I had some pretty dark ideas.

Even today I will dream with myself as a man, even today when people get my name or sex wrong ( work remote with a lot with other nationalities,) I feel pleased and would never ever correct anybody

Anyway

Back then of course transgender was a real niche . My parents didn't tolerate anything beyond the clothes and hair , but they did massively support me in other ways. To help me recognise that my sex did not define who I was . To accept my physical body and reject society restrictions

One significant day , I was working on the car with my dad, he couldn't reach something - but my smaller girls hand could. He made some comment about the usefulness of that - my girls body wasn't a limitation, it was an asset when it came to mending our car. It was really something

My dad was always on the lookout for role models for me - female scientists in particular. People who didn't let their sex hold the back or stop them living their lives as they wanted

Their love and support and guidance saw me through that decade of difficulty . They accepted me as I really am, not as I wanted to be.

They gave unconditional support but not the type I thought was needed

That made me well up, your lovely dad.

This thread makes me really angry. Posters telling OP to educate herself she'll lose her son?
Her latest post clearly shows that she is very well read, all the current trends, Maya, swimmer lia etc.

facts are facts. As respected Dr Sir Robert Winston states, it's a fact you can't change sex. If you are genuinely are trans then my heart goes out to you. But the rest of these young people, mostly it's just a fad, a phase, the latest 'thing' and hopefully they don't go too far to make it irreversible.

Good parenting is surely not pandering to everything your children want, and good parenting is definitely not lying to your children.
I have teenagers, so many of their friends, in particular girls, are now calling themselves trans or non binary. I do not understand why parents are not telling teens the truth. That everyone is “non binary”, that nobody has ever changed sex, that hormone treatments are damaging. The “that’s nice dear” approach works very well for teenage grandstanding but when it becomes more serious, with mental health issues, young people need the truth.

Every time I see a trans video of a trans-woman saying: ' I'm a woman. I know what it feels like to be a woman'. it just makes me really cross. I want to yell at them "like Fxxk you do".

I'm a woman. Don't tell me what being a woman is.

You say that is is men who are the threat, not transgender people, but every argument you make makes it clear that you think trans women are just men appropriating womanhood, so who do you consider to be genuinely transgender?

Why are people equating trans people with gay people? That is like saying that dogs and horses are the same because they’re not cats.

It isn't though, it's a parallel. They receive the same rejection, fear and hate as we did in the 80s. People didn't want gay people in their toilets with their sons, parents said it's not natural, men can't love men etc