Page 15 | Can't cope with DS being transgender

YellowBrickWall · 2022-03-25T12:57:16+00:00

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do. It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do. He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

beautifulgirls · 25/03/2022 22:15

What you believe and what your child(adult) thinks they want at the moment do not align. They may or not change their mind later. If they do, then go back to how things have been. If they don’t, then knowing you love them enough to use their choice of name and pronoun will mean a great deal to them.

Nobody says you have to like the choice they have made right now, but as a parent your job is to support them. You can still use a name and a pronoun without having to like what you are doing. I do for the sake of my child, but I hate it.

Your child is an adult now, they make their own choices. You might not like their music or their fashion choices, but they are able to make decisions for themself.

Take time and get used to this. It’s a huge shock as a parent for sure. Then embrace the fact your child (adult) is still with you, feels comfortable to tell you such a personal and difficult thing, and that you can be there for them now, later and whenever needed.

mudgetastic · 25/03/2022 22:18

As a parent your job is not to blindly support the child

Your job is to love them and help them be happy in life

That can include setting clear rules and boundaries

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/03/2022 22:29

@DearMallorie

I'm glad I'm not playing a drinking game with the number of times people are saying 'child'. I'd be hammered.

Adult sons and daughters are always referred to as ‘children’ on mumsnet for some reason and are infantilised as such. It really weird

custardo · 25/03/2022 22:31

what you want to foster as a parent is a safe place where your grown kids can always come back to if needed. if this is indeed a 'trend' as you think - then what's the big deal? and if it isn't a trend - then what? you have alienated your child. just be kind, be there for them

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/03/2022 22:34

@DSGR

OP this is incredibly hard but why can’t you use the name your son has decided he wants to be called? Yes your mental health is important too, but not as important as the right of your adult son to live the way he wants to. If you can’t bear it maybe he needs to move out

@DSGR that would probably be a good idea wouldn’t it considering he is 23 year old. He can live how he wants in his own home then

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 25/03/2022 22:48

It’s not a trend, it must be so hard to not feel yourself and not be able to accept who you were without others making it difficult. It must be hard for parents I will agree, you’ve just got to support them and hope they are happy, that’s all I can ask for from my kids. I don’t care what colour, what sex, what sexuality they are as long as they don’t turn out to be dickheads.

Tiddlesthecat · 25/03/2022 22:54

Why should I give up everything I believe in just because this movement has come right into my home.

Because you don't want to lose your child? Is it giving up everything that you believe in? Or just one of your strong beliefs? I do believe that there is a whole lot of bandwagon jumping going on at the moment. The antidepressants may have changed his personality slightly (which happened to me once on a particular type). Or he may have been depressed for a long time as a result of this. At 23 I would have expected him to have grown out of any peer pressure/teenage trends, so at 24 I think that you do need to take it more seriously. I don't think that it's an attempt to blackmail you. It's understandably a massive shock (I say this as a teenager who discovered that my father was living a 'double life' thirty years ago before these things were accepted). You are shocked, but that state won't last for ever and you may surprise yourself with how adaptable you are in a few weeks or months. I would just go along with it as it will be far easier than dealing with the fall out, which could last a lifetime.

Fordian · 25/03/2022 23:00

@Ereshkigalangcleg

But I don't want to call him by his new name as it enforces me to validate something I am against. It's so hard to explain. On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

I think a lot of women know exactly where you are coming from it must be so hard when it's your own child.

Yup. In spades.

Nelliephant1 · 25/03/2022 23:03

Poor girl. She's doing what is right for her and she needs her mother's support. To dismiss it as a trend is belittling and selfish.

Support and love the daughter you now have,it's no more her choice than it is yours.

LondonWolf · 25/03/2022 23:07

@Nelliephant1

Poor girl. She's doing what is right for her and she needs her mother's support. To dismiss it as a trend is belittling and selfish.

Support and love the daughter you now have,it's no more her choice than it is yours.

Stop being so utterly ridiculous 🙄

PomRuns · 25/03/2022 23:08

The OP is supportive and loving. Why do you think the OP is being selfish? Do you think the same of her son?

Barrawarra · 25/03/2022 23:09

@Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure

It’s not a trend, it must be so hard to not feel yourself and not be able to accept who you were without others making it difficult. It must be hard for parents I will agree, you’ve just got to support them and hope they are happy, that’s all I can ask for from my kids. I don’t care what colour, what sex, what sexuality they are as long as they don’t turn out to be dickheads.

I think that’s the issue though, if I am representing you fairly OP, I think the OP feels that aspects of this are dickheadish. The compulsion of others to participate in a belief system. The total disregard for how women may feel having a man in their spaces. It sounds like your son could take this on, but the expectation that women just move over and agree that men can magically become women - not that endearing.

So I totally get where you are coming from OP, and I think you write very eloquently about it, even though you are saying it is hard to describe. BUT, in my adult life my mother has disagreed with many of my choices, and it kills me that she can’t say ‘whoever you are, I love you no matter what’. Because it’s not true. She doesn’t love me no matter what. She loves me if I am acceptable to her. So, while I don’t believe your son is a woman or ever can be, for now he is trying on this costume. I think the finding a way to fudge it, nicknames etc like others have said, is a temporary holding situation until you gather how long term this may be. Really feeling for you

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/03/2022 23:12

@Nelliephant1

Poor girl. She's doing what is right for her and she needs her mother's support. To dismiss it as a trend is belittling and selfish.

Support and love the daughter you now have,it's no more her choice than it is yours.

@Nelliephant1 Who are you talking about ‘poor girl’. OP’s son is not a girl and never will be. Give your head a wobble

PomRuns · 25/03/2022 23:14

@Fraaahnces

I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.

Absolutely. Couldn't agree with this post more, there is absolute hypocrisy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/03/2022 23:17

@Fraaahnces

“I am so over the power-tripping that a lot of young people with any types of “issues” seem to enjoy. It’s used to control the narrative everywhere, all the time. They demand to be understood and validated constantly at the expense of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. Any attempt to promote equal discourse is met with accusations of bigotry and abuse. It also negates accountability for the damage THEY wreak on the MH and well-being of others, and the hypocrisy here makes me so angry! I believe that this constant validation (in a lot of cases) and the fear of speaking out against this control can be dangerous.”

Absolutely agree with this 🙌

ThreeRingCircus · 25/03/2022 23:20

He says he feels feminine. Fine. Why can't he be a feminine man? He says he feels like a woman. Well how would he know what a woman feels like. I'm a woman and I probably don't feel the same as the woman sitting next to me on the bus. We are all different. The only thing that makes us women is our sex. And he doesn't have that.

I completely agree with you on this OP and it's why I find the self ID ideology regressive and sexist. In this day and age there should be no problem with him being a feminine man..... wearing skirts, wearing makeup, whatever......but it doesn't make him a woman.

It must be so hard for you OP but in your position I think I'd try to find a middle ground. Gender neutral nicknames/them or they pronouns as a compromise. I would delay and stall as much as you can and see how things pan out. If he realises he has made a mistake and it's just that he has been feeling out of place or unhappy then you haven't made it too hard for him to find his way back. Or you may find that he is steadfast in his belief that he is a transwoman and then you can deal with that further down the line. For what it's worth I have no problem with transwomen but I do not believe TWAW or that people can change their sex.

thatweirdhippygirl · 25/03/2022 23:33

I’m honestly interested to know what the mumsnet collective think of intersex conditions.

There’s a thread in AMA that’s quite old now, but still there, posted by a woman who’s intersex.

She has a vagina, breasts, female reproductive organs (I believe, I read it years ago), and also has XY chromosomes. I think she didn’t know she was biologically male until her periods didn’t start.

According to majority of these responses, she is male, should not use the womens bathrooms, and should just accept that people would refer to her as he/him, as you can not police peoples grammar, and are whatever biological sex your chromosomes say you are.

Feelingoktoday · 25/03/2022 23:35

“Yes your mental health is important too, but not as important as the right of your adult son to live the way he wants to”

Why is the OPs mental health not as important as her son saying he is a transgender woman?

Feelingoktoday · 25/03/2022 23:37

@thatweirdhippygirl

I’m honestly interested to know what the mumsnet collective think of intersex conditions.

There’s a thread in AMA that’s quite old now, but still there, posted by a woman who’s intersex.

She has a vagina, breasts, female reproductive organs (I believe, I read it years ago), and also has XY chromosomes. I think she didn’t know she was biologically male until her periods didn’t start.

According to majority of these responses, she is male, should not use the womens bathrooms, and should just accept that people would refer to her as he/him, as you can not police peoples grammar, and are whatever biological sex your chromosomes say you are.

This is very different and people with this medical condition have asked not to be pulled into the argument about TWAW or TWAM.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 25/03/2022 23:43

@thatweirdhippygirl

I’m honestly interested to know what the mumsnet collective think of intersex conditions.

There’s a thread in AMA that’s quite old now, but still there, posted by a woman who’s intersex.

She has a vagina, breasts, female reproductive organs (I believe, I read it years ago), and also has XY chromosomes. I think she didn’t know she was biologically male until her periods didn’t start.

According to majority of these responses, she is male, should not use the womens bathrooms, and should just accept that people would refer to her as he/him, as you can not police peoples grammar, and are whatever biological sex your chromosomes say you are.

Don't drag people with DSD into this conversation - hugely disrespectful. No-one has said this person can't use the women's bathrooms as well you know. This has absolutely nothing to do with the current debate.

thatweirdhippygirl · 25/03/2022 23:52

Actually, people have said exactly that.

CaitoftheCantii · 26/03/2022 00:04

A close friend is in a similar position, OP - for all the people telling her to accept her adult child’s decision or lose them, she is left wondering why they are not considering how she has already ‘lost’ the child she named and raised for all those years…

Kitkat151 · 26/03/2022 00:12

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

Him🙄

Kitkat151 · 26/03/2022 00:13

@Nelliephant1

Poor girl. She's doing what is right for her and she needs her mother's support. To dismiss it as a trend is belittling and selfish.

Support and love the daughter you now have,it's no more her choice than it is yours.

Poor boy🙄

amispeakingintongues · 26/03/2022 00:19

Sorry OP this must be so tough. I agree with your take, I'm not sure what to suggest other than I hope your child comes to respect your opinion so that it doesn't hinder the relationship.

Ignore the dim comments shaming you for expressing your feelings, too. I think its natural for a mum to feel the way you do. Its the perspective rarely acknowledged yet its a massively painful aspect of "transition".