Can't cope with DS being transgender

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This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

It won't stop with a name and pronoun will it. He will be wanting me to refer to him as my daughter, put away old photographs, erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction.

You sound like a seventeen year old having a tantrum. It wouldn't take much for him to be much more mature than you.

What you seem to be saying is your love won't hold, or not in any significant way, if he transitions.

Fine. That's your choice. I would skip the pity party and live with the consequences.

The distress I feel is the clash between what I believe and what he wants me to say. I hate compelled speech. I hate being drawn into this. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who can see the emperer is not wearing any clothes. I feel like I'm going mad.

He is living in your house. Different if you were going to visit him in his.
Dont feel or be compelled.

@Hello606

Not too long ago people would’ve been having these exact conversations about their children being gay and how ‘unacceptable’ it is and how they don’t agree or believe in it etc and now we can’t even imagine that being an issue because it’s so normal. Your child will be trans whether you agree with it or not

You haven’t met my parents...

I would be the same, OP.

I think it's a nonsense. One thing I've learned (albeit I've found it very difficult) is that cutting off family is ok if they're adversely affecting your life. Took me years to come to this realisation but it's very freeing not to carry the guilt.

Hope he comes to his senses.

@mjf981 It's so tiresome how people seem to take it upon themselves to decide homophobia is all nicely over and resolved, isn't it?

Cancel that. Read it as your DB for reasons unknown. Too much vino!

Lol would you question someone like that if they were gay? You’re transphobic and one day it’ll be illegal to be so
Your dystopian dream is pretty much a reality.

Why so nasty to someone whose head doesn’t match their body? Try some empathy ?
I'm sure some people with disabilities might have feelings that don't match their body when they watch able-bodied people do things with ease.
Is there a way to identify out of that?

How does it sound like being gay is a bad thing? It's just accepting that young people do go through phases whilst they work out who they really are. I know there is a big difference between an 11 year old and 23 year old but everyone matures at different rates.
I read "problems" to mean OPs son didn't display or voice any issues with being male previously. I don't actively encourage any sort of "relationship" with my almost 11 year old as he's a child, the poster didn't say she would object if it hadn't turned out to be a phase?

Still no comment on the 4400% rise in "transitioning" children over the last five years with autistic girls hugely over represented in that figure?

I understand OP.

If you think, quite reasonably based on the scientific evidence, that being transgender is not a real medical category, and is more akin to a delusion it would be seriously damaging to support, not only to your son but to other people, how could you agree to talk as if you believe it represents reality and is healthy?

It's very difficult with an adult, though. You can explain your position, offer to help, but you really can't press it on an ongoing basis. Nor insist on therapy or anything like that. I do think, however, I would try and be very clear about why you think what you do, and the damage this ideology involves.

If you can't come to a compromise, trying to facilitate moving out would probably be best for all, and most 23 year olds would prefer that anyway I suspect.

Sorry meant to quote the post I was replying to, seems it didn't work!

@monsterflake. If it's post already containing a quote. It doesn't work. Better to copy and put in bold.

Why is this always compared to being gay?

Being gay doesn't require anyone to change their language, to refer to their child as something they are categorically not and to use a different name for them, to have to remember the 'correct pronoun', to pretend that they actually gave birth to someone of the opposite sex, to erase their own past and play along with a charade that their son was not actually their son.

Being gay doesn't require anything of anyone else. If someone has a problem with their child being gay that is purely a moral judgement, it doesn't require any distorting of actual reality.

@Hasselhoffsheadband

Why is this always compared to being gay?

Being gay doesn't require anyone to change their language, to refer to their child as something they are categorically not and to use a different name for them, to have to remember the 'correct pronoun', to pretend that they actually gave birth to someone of the opposite sex, to erase their own past and play along with a charade that their son was not actually their son.

Being gay doesn't require anything of anyone else. If someone has a problem with their child being gay that is purely a moral judgement, it doesn't require any distorting of actual reality.

Because it's easier for them to virtue signal and reassure themselves that TERFs are bigots. They all deny the reality of "transing the gay away." It's actually rebranded conversion therapy in a lot of cases.

OP, we get that it’s a big deal for you. And that you’re worried.

But try not to panic - DC isn’t taking hormones (which no one gets for at least 3 years and waaay longer with severe MH problems) or getting surgery (TW rarely go for castration).

These are the big changes, and they’re not happening to DC. If you feel you can offer support to the cosmetic tweaks, that might be easier for you.

The medical benchmark for a trans person is three years living and working as their chosen gender. You’ve both got time to work through this.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

It's a man - with a penis - a male sexed body. He's not a woman. This is gaslighting.

I've never pushed my thoughts and opinions on him. This is why he had no idea of my views on self ID because I'd never spoken about them to my children. I don't force my views on others and I don't expect to have theirs forced on me.

I've always approached most things this way as well OP, and as I get older and watch my kids, and my friends kids, I'm no longer sure it was all for the best - I think maybe I should have been more forthcoming about many things that I think, especially about controversial issues.

The comparisons with homosexuality are totally irrelevant and anyone who can't see this is wholly missing the point. Why does it need saying again and again and again?

@Hasselhoffsheadband

Why is this always compared to being gay?

Being gay doesn't require anyone to change their language, to refer to their child as something they are categorically not and to use a different name for them, to have to remember the 'correct pronoun', to pretend that they actually gave birth to someone of the opposite sex, to erase their own past and play along with a charade that their son was not actually their son.

Being gay doesn't require anything of anyone else. If someone has a problem with their child being gay that is purely a moral judgement, it doesn't require any distorting of actual reality.

Because Trans Rights Activists have piggy backed onto a movement which has largely public acceptance and has now, rightly, become mainstream. They knew there was no public appetite for the wider trans movement - men in women spaces, sports etc so they inserted themselves into the gay community and it's been very effective. See also the intense focus on "Trans Kids" who are being used to sanitise the agenda. And as we can see on this thread, many are completely taken in and mindlessly parrot the standard you'll lose your child threats etc.

I'm glad I'm not playing a drinking game with the number of times people are saying 'child'. I'd be hammered.

Piggybacking on to gay rights was necessary to provide the "veil of protection" for self ID.

"Veil of protection."

www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-document-that-reveals-the-remarkable-tactics-of-trans-lobbyists

[quote DrSbaitso]Piggybacking on to gay rights was necessary to provide the "veil of protection" for self ID.

"Veil of protection."

www.spectator.co.uk/article/the-document-that-reveals-the-remarkable-tactics-of-trans-lobbyists[/quote]
Oh thank you! Just been looking for this.

I feel for you OP. God knows what I would feel like in your shoes.
My gut instinct is that I would be ok with name, clothes etc but draw the line at saying he is female. That's lying and deceit. The ASD is the crucial thing in my opinion. The feeling of not fitting in and trying to find like-minded peers. For that age group a generation ago, emo, 2 generations punks, 3 generation hippies..all trying to find their tribe.

I agree OP.

We are going through similar with our 13 year old.

We take the same stance as you.

A lot of young people don't seem to comprehend the difference between personality and sex.

Our daughter has more stereotypical male preferences in terms of clothes and hobbies. That doesn't make her male and she shouldn't feel she needs to declare herself to be a different sex because of her personality.

The female aspect of her personality seem to be overlooked in any trans argument.

To actually be truly inclusive no one should need to publicly declare their sex, sexual preference, pronouns, flag (dear God the flags!). All this labelling and categorising is actually the opposite of inclusive.