Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

I have a family member who is trans. It’s hard. But it is ultimately their choice how they live their life and they understand their own feeling more than you do. There is nothing you can do stop how they feel. You can’t pretend it’s not happening either. I strongly suggest you get counseling to help you come to terms with your feelings. I know it’s hard, it really is.

@LuckySantangelo35

What’s all this dramatic talk of “LOSING A CHILD” if Op doesn’t go along with this? If she stands by her beliefs, doesn’t use his desired pronouns etc then how will she LOSE him? He might be a bit pissed off with her, sulk etc but right now he is dependant on his mother for a roof over his head so don’t see how she can “lose” him. That would mean him getting a job, moving out, being independent etc none of which he is managing too well at the moment.

I wish to God Mumsnet had a like button!

@Thenose

"So your child, being treated for MH, has asked you to use a different name and you don’t want to because you don’t want to? If his name was Robert and he asked you to call him Bob would it bother you the same? I think you’re taking this very personally OP when it’s not about you, and risking alienating your already fragile DC."

Rubbish. The OPs son isn't asking her to call him by a different name variation; he's asking her to pretend he's female. The OP is honest and doesn't want to be manipulated into lying every day. It's normal for people with integrity to feel uncomfortable pretending something is true when it clearly isn't.

This ….the issue is that OP is being emotionally blackmailed by her son to agree to write off the last 23 years of her sons life and acknowledge him as female…that would seriously screw me up as a Mother!

[quote LabMix]@Millicent2022 yes very busy, posting repeatedly on mumsnet. Go on, have a think about it. It doesn’t take much effort. Really think about it and then tell me if you think it’s possible to change your biological sex. Don’t want to? I wonder why 🤔[/quote]
But actually the people arguing in favour of op supporting her son don't need to think about that.
It's completely possible for op to hold this view and still accept that her son is choosing to live his life in a certain way right now and has asked for her support.
The thing is, op clearly doesn't want to do this and has come here (to find a certain type of Mumsnet member) to gain validation in judging and rejecting him rather than supporting him.

My source is the National Office of Statistics. Yours doesn’t look reliable.

Your source for trans people being murdered more cannot be the National Office of Statistics, because it isn't true. No one trans has been murdered in the U.K. in the last three years, and only 9 since 2007. But do link the data, please.

@DefiniteTortoise

You don't have to believe..you just have to love them

But in order to show you love them, you have to say words you believe to be utterly false every day. I couldn't do that for any length of time without my real feelings being evident. In the past I've tried to say what people want to hear and they always get angry at me for not pretending well enough. I'm not sure it's a workable long term strategy.

It sounds like a tough situation OP.

I think calling someone by the name they choose is just good manners. You might have called your son William and he might hate it and say he wants to be called Bill or Billy or Bugsy Malone, why should he have to spend 70 or 80 years being called William because you decided that?

I don't recognise my given name as being mine, I generally don't respond to it on the rare occasions someone uses it as I have never used that name, it was something my parents chose nearly 70 years ago and they are long dead. If someone in my family insisted on calling me that name I'd ignore them and think less of them as they clearly have no manners.

How often do we use pronouns with our children, I always refer to them by name.

The OP might not like the idea of their son being trans, refusing to use their chosen name is rude.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“It's normal for people with integrity to feel uncomfortable pretending something is true when it clearly isn't.”

Agree. It’s actually gaslighting and very distressing.

We are all perfectly entitled to change our names. There is no reason why she can't use the name her son has chosen. It isn't pretending anything, no one has to continue using the name that someone else chose for them.

What matters is that her child is in distress and needs support, love and acceptance. So give them that.

He doesn't seem distressed but I agree that he needs support, love and acceptance, as do we all. I have hugged him, I've told him that I love him. He has a home here for as long as he wants/needs it and always will. I'm not telling him what to do. He's wearing skirts around the house and styling his hair differently and that's all fine with me.

I'm helping him with his depression. He's having counselling and is on anti depressants that are really helping. He is in a much better place now and is happy to start applying for work again.

When he said he wanted to live with us I was actually so pleased. I was worried about him living away from home with depression and being unable to function. I rented a van and drove to get him and all his stuff which is now stored at mine. I took in his cat even though my own cat took a long time to adjust, we did it and they now tolerate each other.

I need to look after my own mental health too. My needs are important too. All I expect is mutual respect. He knows he is loved. He has to live his own life the way he wants and he knows that I'm happy with that. I've never pushed my thoughts and opinions on him. This is why he had no idea of my views on self ID because I'd never spoken about them to my children. I don't force my views on others and I don't expect to have theirs forced on me.

The distress I feel is the clash between what I believe and what he wants me to say. I hate compelled speech. I hate being drawn into this. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who can see the emperer is not wearing any clothes. I feel like I'm going mad.

If you throw your child out because they’re trans, you would be a huge asshole.

At 23 years old who has finished Uni you know that your parents are doing you a favour putting you up. It’s not a condition of their love anymore..
However if my child looked like they were having mental health issues ( as in this case) I’d want them home. Unfortunately like the alcoholic, or drug dependent or even those with eating disorders it often doesn’t help.

Its not the same as just oppose it beliefs.If your child brings home their partner of the same sex, eats only plant based food or goes to Church then clearly they are gay, vegan or Christian. Whether it be a phase or if you agree with it or not.
If your child thinks that a name and clothing makes them the opposite sex they are wrong because you can’t change sex. There’s a difference.

OP this is incredibly hard but why can’t you use the name your son has decided he wants to be called? Yes your mental health is important too, but not as important as the right of your adult son to live the way he wants to. If you can’t bear it maybe he needs to move out

He has a right to live as he wants to / in a world of gender

The OP has a right to live as she wants / in a world with no time for gender

Both have equal rights. Yet the assumption of many posters is that the OP should allow him to live his life his way ... at the expense of herself

Why ?

He did what do you think being gay is a 'trend'?

I would feel exactly the same. It's like being asked to partake in someone's delusions. I am not saying that this is always the case with trans issues. There are people who from early childhood they feel they are in the wrong body. I think you would know if your child came into that category.

My friend is a headteacher and said she has 30 girls in one school year (secondary) who say they are boys. When my daughter was at school (again all girls) they were all self harming like crazy. When I was at an all girls school anorexia was rife. You can certainly 'catch' a mental health problem.

It's not just using a name, it's using pronouns. A name is just a handy label and they don't often carry much inherent meaning beyond that, but he/him and she/her have particular societal meanings, or at least they have til recently. I can manage a new name but not the pronouns

For someone who says they love their child you sure seem to be focused on how distressing this is for you, rather than how distressing it is for your child to be rejected by their mother.

Your child is not blackmailing you, you are forcing them to protect themselves from you because you won’t accept or at least respect who they are.

He's wearing skirts around the house and styling his hair differently and that's all fine with me.

My DS lives in skirts. He is definitely male, straight and just thinks men should be allowed to wear skirts because they are cooler in summer and loads of his Arabic friends wear long tunics. Wearing skirts is in no way an indication he is in the wrong sex (I know you know this, OP.) It's just a wholly justifiable push against pointless cultural dictates that say only women are allowed to wear skirts. I would strongly encourage him to recognise he has the right, as a man, to wear what he pleases and style his hair as he pleases.

He has a home here for as long as he wants/needs it and always will.

Perhaps rethink that and have, say, an X month plan to get on with life through study, work, finding a true or illusory self which includes more independent living.

@user842

For someone who says they love their child you sure seem to be focused on how distressing this is for you, rather than how distressing it is for your child to be rejected by their mother.

Your child is not blackmailing you, you are forcing them to protect themselves from you because you won’t accept or at least respect who they are.

It's not a zero sum game It's not like he has chosen a religion that he practises. Perhaps asking if she can not cook meat for a Friday night tea.

It's like he's dragging her along to church and expecting her to speak the words

You child isn't stupid, they'll know that you think of them as male whatever their stated identity. Using their preferred name and at least gender neutral pronouns or terms can make a world of difference.

The difference could be that it supports and so encourages him to seek out hormonal or surgical changes

Normally you would advise against drugs and unnecessary surgery as dangerous, not encourage it

@YellowBrickWall

But I don't want to call him by his new name as it enforces me to validate something I am against. It's so hard to explain. On my part it doesn't feel like I am choosing not to validate, I just can't. No more than I could agree with someone that the world is flat. I am happy for them to believe what they want but I don't want to be forced to say I believe something I don't.

That's what's causing me the distress. It would be so easy if I could just go along with the name and pronouns he wants but I can't because it distresses me. I feel like no one else can see what I see because everyone is so keen to validate a lie.

Thanks for responses. I can't really talk about this to others at the moment.

I would feel the same as you OP. I have no advice I'm sorry but hope you can find a way this gets better

@user842

For someone who says they love their child you sure seem to be focused on how distressing this is for you, rather than how distressing it is for your child to be rejected by their mother.

Your child is not blackmailing you, you are forcing them to protect themselves from you because you won’t accept or at least respect who they are.

He isn’t a rejected child. He is an adult man whose mother is still housing and feeding him.

@FelicityBeedle

Support her, it’s not difficult. You’ll lose your child if you don’t

Her child is a male.