Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

@LightSpeeds

Your child is better off without you. You're no 'mother'!

Too much. Totally unnecessary

I am glad you're not my mum. You didn't answer the question about whether you would feel the same if it was a daughter who was trans

@Aria2015

What a tough situation. I don't understand how, knowing your viewpoint and feelings on the matter, what he gets from you essentially pretending anyway? Surely it's only truly affirming / validating if someone is genuine in their belief that TWAW?

Disagree! This is exactly where the margin between acceptance and thought control blur. You can love somebody unconditionally and recognise and facilitate their right to exist in peace and equality without agreeing with their every viewpoint or way of life. You don't need to compromise your own logic or experiences to do this. It's great that kids are growing up free to express themselves but it downright dangerous if they are self-centred enough to think that their beliefs and opinions are the only ones that make the world go round. Perhaps we should spend less time debating whether TWAW and more time asking ourselves why our kids are growing up so disillusioned with the world and so fundamentally unhappy that this is even an issue for them

Op this must be hard but if I was you I'd go along with it. You might not believe in it and you might be against it on principle but they are an adult and need to find their own way in life...even if you think they are making s mistake. Even if he is making a mistake.

They might realise that it's just a phase (if it is) but even then they will have known at least that you support them no matter what...even against your own principles. You don't have to lie. You can tell them that you ft believe or approve but that you will do as they ask because you love them.

@Sandinmyhooves

What’s with the constant referral to losing a child? He’s not a child, not even close.

Your children are your children all of your life.

He's not'a child at 23, but he is one of her children.

@LittleWins

People who identify as trans are mentally ill too

Extraordinary. Flipping heck.

Extraordinary? Really? Read or watch detrans accounts please.

It's about accepting what he believes.
You don't need to agree- but you do need to respect his view.

For me it would be about listening, trying to understand, and accepting- you don't have to agree.

I have a hard time accepting the christian faith- and feel quite strongly about my atheist views.
However I have family members that are christian- I don't have to agree with their ideas to love them.

How would you have reacted had he come out as gay?

As I said already, my daughter is gay. No problem there, why would there be?

@MuggleMadness If you want to cling to an incorrect understanding of how language works, I can't stop you!

@waterbill

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

@Millicent2022.

How would you have reacted had he come out as gay?

Try reading the thread, or at the very least the OP's posts.

Lol would you question someone like that if they were gay? You’re transphobic and one day it’ll be illegal to be so

Saying a man, cannot change sex to become a woman is not transphobic, it's a bloody FACT

@YellowBrickWall

My son is an atheist and I asked him if he could believe in a god if I really, really wanted him to. Actually believe. He did acknowledge that he couldn't believe it because he just doesn't.

I can't tell him I believe that he's a woman, because I don't. That would be a lie. Any affirmation from me would be a lie. If his happiness relies on me lying to him then it's fucked up isn't it.

You don't have to tell then that you believe them. Just tell them that you will love and be there for them no matter what. And no matter what you believe.

I'm a staunch atheist but if my dc told me tomorrow that they'd found God (of whatever religion) and asked me if I thought they are going to heaven I wouldn't say yes. I'd say I personally don't believe in heaven but it doesn't matter because what matters is what they (DC) believe and what they need to feel fulfilled and happy. And yes, I would be disappointed and worried but what can you do. You don't own your kids and there will be tons of things that you disagree on. Maybe this issue is more fundamental than other things but 1. It's not really something that hurts anyone else and 2. You don't have to believe..you just have to love them

Try some empathy ?

Wouldn't empathy be a male person not claiming to know how it feels to be a female person?

@LightSpeeds

Your child is better off without you. You're no 'mother'!

So kind.

You didn't answer the question about whether you would feel the same if it was a daughter who was trans

I may have missed your question but the answer is I would feel the same, yes. I don't believe a woman can be a man just because she says she is.

@LouisRenault Again, words not having a universal meaning doesn't mean that any word instantaneously 'means' anything else. That's also not how it works! But while you are free to want words to have a universal meaning... they just, um, don't. That's not how language works. Look it up if you don't want to take my word for it (which is fine by me, I don't expect you to).

Interesting example, by the way, as actually there is a huge amount of policing and back and forth over who can and can't use particular terms in food.

@YellowBrickWall

You didn't answer the question about whether you would feel the same if it was a daughter who was trans

I may have missed your question but the answer is I would feel the same, yes. I don't believe a woman can be a man just because she says she is.

Who are you, God?

@YellowBrickWall It sounds as if you have a solid relationship with your son and not one either of you want to (or should have to) lose.

It must be possible for him to be a trans-women without stamping over women's rights or pretending he never had a past.