Can't cope with DS being transgender

[YellowBrickWall]

This is so hard. I feel like I'm in a very weird place. I am absolutely gutted and just want it to not be happening. He is 23 and lives with us. I thought we had escaped this trend but he's got caught up in it. I don't know what to do.

It's hard to describe but I simply cannot go along with it. It's not true, he's not a woman, he never will be. I hate the gaslighting, it's so distressing. This is upsetting me so much but I don't know what to do.

He's an adult and can do what he wants but unfortunately this particular thing requires my involvement and I can't. I am totally against it. There seems to be no middle ground, I either go against everything I know and believe or I won't be involved in his life. It feels like blackmail. It feels shit. I hate it.

I feel for you. What are his reasons for wanting to be a trans woman? What does he think bring a woman means?

Words don't have a "universal" meaning.

So if you ordered a vegan meal in a restaurant and the waiter brought you a steak, that would be OK, would it? Because words don't have a universal meaning, and if the restaurant wants to say steak is vegan, no-one can say it isn't.

it seems right now that your beliefs are more important to you than your relationship with your child and as such there is no compromise you’re willing to make.

But you either believe something or you don't. You can't suddenly start believing in God or Father Christmas or the Tooth Fairy just because someone wants you to. What compromise is there?

There is a real risk that by refusing to use his new name or pronouns until he does a deed poll, you are pushing him to make it official sooner.

"He will be wanting me to... erase my past, tell people I gave birth to a girl, reinvent myself to fit around his fiction."
I wouldn't worry about this unless it happens. How invested were you in your mother's internal narrative when you were 23?

@Tuaca

It is though. With regards to disowning children because they aren't who you want them to be.

"They don't want to be who they are"

There. Fixed that for you.

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Life is short - is it worth falling out with and losing your son over?

Honestly just let people be who they want to be it’s kind of nothing to do with you and I don’t even know how it affects your life

Oh come on

I think I would react very lightly to it. Jenn not Jon now? OK. Can you pick up some milk when you go for a walk, and do you still want to watch a film later?

Just focus on the vast spread of things in the world that are nothing to do with gender. It's a big, interesting world out there and the more we get immersed in it, the less we care about our own identity. We're just part of a whole, not the centre of it.

What a tough situation. I don't understand how, knowing your viewpoint and feelings on the matter, what he gets from you essentially pretending anyway? Surely it's only truly affirming / validating if someone is genuine in their belief that TWAW?

@saltedcaramelanything

I appreciate it would be a shock...but imagine how they feel? Imagine how hard it must have been for your child to feel like this. Whether or not you believe in/agree with it - your child was deeply unhappy in their body to come out as transgender.

Unless you are happy to lose any relationship with them - can you not just use neutral pronouns? How else does it "require your involvement"?

He's never shown any distress about being a boy/man/male in the past. Never mentioned a thing about it
If they know you don't believe in being transgender - then they hardly would be coming to you with their concerns would they? And think about how many people struggle with various issues and no one knows about it. That they didn't talk to you about it is hardly proof it's any less real for them

If your child got married and with DP double barrelled their surnames would you accept that? What if your child just didn't like the existing name and wanted a new one or changed to honour a recently deceased grandparent? Or if the name change was to a gender neutral name like Sam or Alex?

Sorry quoted wrong part of post - thats to not being able to use DC's preferred name

Just leaving this here: fairplayforwomen.com/pronouns/

I'd contact Bayswater OP as someone linked to upthread.

Just keep telling him you love him.

@twomumsonebump

If you're willing to lose your child because of your transphobic beliefs then that's on you. That's something that will follow you forever. Hopefully it's worth it for you!!

I can only hope your child finds the family that actually loves and supports them.

I don't understand why not believing a human being can change sex is "phobic"? It's pretty obvious fact (and yes, I have "educated" myself and there are plenty of medics and scientists in my family and friend group who all confirm the same).

I'm an atheist but my children tell me they are Christian. They don't demand I pretend to believe in God, say grace and go to church and demonstrate all other manifestations of being religious. How is this different?

The OP has not said she is throwing him out! She is looking for a way of living alongside the son she loves... without also giving up her own integrity.

I had this with my DD and it turned out she had OCD that wasn't diagnosed before and it was a very common intrusive thought for OCD sufferers. I can remember the sheer panic when she told me she thought she was trans although I didn't let on. I know how you feel OP.
for you

I can only hope your child finds the family that actually loves and supports them

What a disgusting thing to say.

Perhaps he will be the person to actually try and define 'woman' in a non-biological, non stereotypical sense

The liberating thing about the meaning of "woman" is that it carries no stereotypes at all. It simply means an adult human female. If you want to attach a load of stereotypes to that, it's on you.

And it does mean biological. Words have meanings. If it meant a male person, it would be meaningless. Men aren't women just like cats aren't guitars and tables aren't teapots.

This is just Newspeak to prevent women from articulating their concerns and defining themselves.

@saltedcaramelanything

How do you know? There may not be any dysphoria in this case. This seems highly likely, if there's been no previous indication.

If you have a parent that you know doesn't agree with it - your hardly going to go and speak with them about your struggles are you?

I find that such an odd argument to try and prove "it's not real". How many people sadly attempt or commit self-harm that comes as a complete surprise to their loved ones? Does that mean their depression/struggles aren't real because they held it in?

For what it's worth, I'm not even saying you need to get on board and throw a party for them. But imagine it from how their feeling.

This is so true .

The mh problems you mentioned have prob been part of feeling the discord in their own self and trying to conform

Try to think of it from your child’s POV - it’s not exactly a easy path to choose in life (

What’s with the constant referral to losing a child? He’s not a child, not even close.

My son is an atheist and I asked him if he could believe in a god if I really, really wanted him to. Actually believe. He did acknowledge that he couldn't believe it because he just doesn't.

I can't tell him I believe that he's a woman, because I don't. That would be a lie. Any affirmation from me would be a lie. If his happiness relies on me lying to him then it's fucked up isn't it.

Genuinely don't want to scare you, trying to show you the possibilities... this happened with my Husbands cousin, the family didn't accept and they attempted to take their own life. Luckily didn't succeed. I think for the time being maybe your own feelings come second to your child's and ride it out in the hope you're right and it's a phase. I don't know what I would feel like in this situation so no judgment at all but please just think about the worst case scenario for them rather than yourself at this point. I hope everything works out for you all

@YellowBrickWall

My son is an atheist and I asked him if he could believe in a god if I really, really wanted him to. Actually believe. He did acknowledge that he couldn't believe it because he just doesn't.

I can't tell him I believe that he's a woman, because I don't. That would be a lie. Any affirmation from me would be a lie. If his happiness relies on me lying to him then it's fucked up isn't it.

How would you have reacted had he come out as gay?

I think the conflation of not being accepted with suicide risk is a dangerous one when clearly the mental health issues are the basis for both of these things.

[quote Innocenta]@MuggleMadness Words don't have a "universal" meaning. That just isn't how language works. There are lots of valid points of critique in how language is being used around sex and gender, but arguing for universal meaning will get you nowhere. [/quote]
@Innocenta

What a lot of waffle.

Arguing that a man with it without a penis is a woman will get you nowhere worth being

@twomumsonebump

If you're willing to lose your child because of your transphobic beliefs then that's on you. That's something that will follow you forever. Hopefully it's worth it for you!!

I can only hope your child finds the family that actually loves and supports them.

This is the problem with you people (well, one of them...there are a lot). Someone voices a concern or bad feeling and you immediately create a pantomime villain who said and believes and does things that the actual person never even implied, project a whole load of fictitious shite upon them, and then think you've won the argument, claimed the moral high ground and stuck it to the person assigned male at birth.

It's intellectually dishonest, it's facile, it's disingenuous and it's incredibly adolescent. Come back when you're prepared to respond to what people actually say.