You're a shit housewife!!

[runforyourdog]

Just had a massive row with H. I know it's unforgivable but I completely lost my temper and slapped him.

He said 'you are a shit housewife' err well maybe that's because I'm not a housewife and work full time!! He think he does loads around the house which he does like he does the washing for e.g. but I do vast majority of kid ferrying / mental load.

I know I'm unreasonable but can anyone see why I got angry!?

[quote EvilGoldfish]@Turningpurple I didn’t just post that for the op (though I maintain, we don’t know all her circumstances, so many women I’ve met since I left an abusive relationship actually thought they were the abusers) I also posted it for any abused lurkers who may end up reading it and feeling like their DH is right, that they are the bad ones because they snapped.

Of course your daughter should not be hit in ANY relationship, but the facts are still there. If attacked she is more likely to be physically able to defend herself from a woman than a man, and another woman is much less likely/able/willing to kill her. That doesn’t make any emotional/physical/financial abuse any more acceptable, just that those facts still stand.[/quote]
I know the facts still stand. I even said that.

My point was you can still be fearful even if the stats show it rarely happens.

But saying someone can't be fearful or should be less fearful when in the situation because of the stats, doesn't make sense. Nor does it dictate wether someone is being abused or not.

I think what's really relevant is what the rest of the relationship is like? Is the op an abuser or is she actually a woman who has been pushed to her limits and snapped? Whilst violence isn't ok, I doubt her husband was in any real physical danger. I do wonder about men who expect their wives to work full time and play the perfect housewife role...always seems so unreasonable to me. Does the ops husband insist that she works? Does he give her access to money? We need to know much more imo before we criticise the op too much.

[quote My3cents1]@Thatsplentyjack. “Im sure he will survive”. That comment shows me there’s no real remorse. Of course the other way, it would be LTB and links to every resource for help.[/quote]
Well he will survive. It was one slap. The OP has shown remorse, bit if she has been emotionally abused then she probably finds it hard to feel remorse.
Most people on this thread have said he should leave her,but why would anyone link resources when they all seem to think the OP is the abusive one?

@Comedycook

I think what's really relevant is what the rest of the relationship is like? Is the op an abuser or is she actually a woman who has been pushed to her limits and snapped? Whilst violence isn't ok, I doubt her husband was in any real physical danger. I do wonder about men who expect their wives to work full time and play the perfect housewife role...always seems so unreasonable to me. Does the ops husband insist that she works? Does he give her access to money? We need to know much more imo before we criticise the op too much.

I agree but I doubt the OP will come back. Of course there are abusive women out there but unless we know a but more of the situation it's hard to tell.

That’s a big assumption. I left an abusive relationship prior to this marriage. I frequently suffered regular mental abuse, physical violence and marital rape. I also grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive home. I still maintain that no human has the right to physically attack someone because they don’t agree with something they have said.

They might not have the right but we are al human and sometimes people snap when they've been pushed to their limit. Someone who has been through the things you say you have should know better and be a but more understanding of abuse and the damage ut can have.

My friend (male), is over 6', his now exw is 5'3" she physically abused him on a regular basis. She might not have caused as much physical damage, as he would have done to her, if roles were reversed, but the mental damage she caused him was horrific.

I think regardless of what he said to you, you need to find a way of resolving your issues with him without hitting him. It was a shitty thing for him to say, but ima grape you lost any moral high ground by resorting to slapping him. Maybe councilling is the way to go.

@Movingonup22

The comments

Obviously it is out of line that you slapped him. Very out of line. But if he’s a big bloke the reality is that he would not have felt as threatened as if it was a big bloke hitting a woman and some posters appear not able to acknowledge that….

It does not justify you slapping him - but his attitude is way off!

DV by women against men is nowhere near as common, but it's naive to think that OP has just lost it and he can't be in danger.

I watched a documentary on a man whose wife escalated to pouring a boiling kettle all over him.

I know that there are huge differences between men and women that mean women are more at risk, but it doesn't change the fact that there are men who are abused by women.

To discuss this doesn't mean that the real threat that men pose to women isn't real.

@runforyourdog

He's a 6'3'' 16 stone white man with a £180k income. I'm sure he will survive!

Don’t minimise what you’ve done. It’s an assault. He should have rung the Police and had you arrested.

If this is a reflection of your marriage in general then I'd say it's pretty toxic all round. Not good for anyone involved. If not you both need so therapy joint or separate to sort it out before it does become normal.

Honestly I find it slightly disingenuous to not recognise that when a woman 'snaps' on one occasion and slaps her partner she does so in the knowledge that she will not cause any kind of substantial physical harm.
It is, in the over whelming majority of instances a sign of extreme frustration and upset.

When a man slaps his partner he does so in the knowledge that there is a real threat of him physically hurting and/or harming her.

Therein lies the difference. A man is aware of the potential for harm and is willing to accept this risk which does pose the question of whether he is using this slapping as the start of a cascade of abuse.

Not to say that women do not abuse their partners. Simply that a one time occurance borne out of emotional upset is less likely to lead to ongoing abusive tendencies on the part of a woman against her male partner.

Yes, I know that we aren't supposed to allude to the difference in physicality and psychological/social tendencies between the sexes but that doesn't really do anyone any favours in reality.

Least of all the OP on this particular thread.

@MrsBerthaRochester

Meh. I will get arsed about a man getting a slap when two of them a week are being killed by their partners.

Your response to domestic violence is meh??

As long as it’s against a man

I’m actually heartened by this thread.

Threads about dv against men come up from time to time. There’s always some posters who are apologists for it, or who claim it doesn’t exist, or who think it’s funny. There are some on this thread, but actually I think there are fewer than there used to be (of they’re at least not feeling able to be open)

I think the apologists are now in a minority on mumsnet (I hope)

YABU to slap him. But that doesn't mean he is not a c*nt . He clearly is, you just lowered yourself to his level. Sounds really toxic , you need out.

My father and my stepfather physically abused my DM severely and she never retaliated, so I am well aware of the scale of M-F domestic violence and I'll always be traumatised by it but we can hardly condemn M-F violence if we ever condone it the other way round can we? I just cannot stand any violence whatsoever, it should just always be completely unacceptable, no exceptions.

@ChelseeDagger

Honestly I find it slightly disingenuous to not recognise that when a woman 'snaps' on one occasion and slaps her partner she does so in the knowledge that she will not cause any kind of substantial physical harm. It is, in the over whelming majority of instances a sign of extreme frustration and upset.

When a man slaps his partner he does so in the knowledge that there is a real threat of him physically hurting and/or harming her.

Therein lies the difference. A man is aware of the potential for harm and is willing to accept this risk which does pose the question of whether he is using this slapping as the start of a cascade of abuse.

Not to say that women do not abuse their partners. Simply that a one time occurance borne out of emotional upset is less likely to lead to ongoing abusive tendencies on the part of a woman against her male partner.

Yes, I know that we aren't supposed to allude to the difference in physicality and psychological/social tendencies between the sexes but that doesn't really do anyone any favours in reality.

Least of all the OP on this particular thread.

How do you know this is a one off? It could have happened many times before. Also many men hit their partners out of frustration and when feeling angry and upset so isn't it exactly the same thing? Unacceptable either way. I know in general that men are bigger and stronger than women but there are many, many exceptions. My mum is several inches taller than my dad and several stone heavier - is it less serious for her to hit him because she's a woman? Or more serious because she's bigger and stronger than him? I don't understand the logic.

@Chickandspin

My father and my stepfather physically abused my DM severely and she never retaliated, so I am well aware of the scale of M-F domestic violence and I'll always be traumatised by it but we can hardly condemn M-F violence if we ever condone it the other way round can we? I just cannot stand any violence whatsoever, it should just always be completely unacceptable, no exceptions.

Exactly @Chickandspin, there you never be a 'yes but...' when it comes to any form of violence.

I think it is important not to crawl into such pit of self-loathing and regret that you end up grovelling apologies and staying in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. I would take the act of you slapping him as a sign that you need to get out of this relationship immediately, because it is not good for you. Or him. Do not get mired in the drama of it. See it clearly, be responsible, and leave. Then seek out a counsellor to work on what was happening in the relationship, how you communicate, how you manage intense emotions.

@SallyWD

I don't know that this is a one off obviously as I have read the same OP as you. However OP has not mentioned having done this previously and has offered up an isolated incident for our consideration, so in the interests of logic I have tailored my response to the presenting facts within the OP.

The salient point being that whenever a man hits a woman, whether that be borne out of frustration, hate, hurt or any other emotion he in that instant accepts the potential to cause significant physical harm.
The true is not true in reverse in the vastly overwhelming majority of instances.
Because, well testosterone and increased muscle strength/grip and force, height, weight, skeletal frame, overall density of form etc

In the case of the OP her husband is a large man, presumably she is significantly smaller. Although she has slapped him (where?) There wasn't the potentiality for significant if any physical harm to him.

In the rather unusual case of your parents your mother may be strong enough to harm you father with just a slap. This is not true for most women and yes I would look more unfavourably on her using physical chastisement against somebody who is physically weaker than I do in the case of the OP.

Violence is a physical act and so by necessity the physicality of the victim and perpetrator will inform both their intent and the consequences of the act.

Tell him if he wants a housewife he needs to be able to support a housewife. Tell him he has failed to do that that's his problem not yours. He should be working enough to pay all the bills so you can do three meals a day (which in itself could be a full-time job), keep the house clean, manage the affairs etc.

Ask him to provide a card for funds and tell him you are quitting your job tomorrow to be a housewife.

@runforyourdog

He's a 6'3'' 16 stone white man with a £180k income. I'm sure he will survive!

Then why is he not funding his family alone? Why are you working?

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn

All those women who post saying they've been grabbed/pushed etc and they're not physically hurt....What's the difference between that and what you've done?

It's despicable.

The difference is sex. Males are stronger and much more threatening on the whole and also statistically more likely to kill their wife than the other way around.

@LaraDeSalle

What has his income fit to do with how he copes with having a fish wife giving him a sap?

You were having a heated discussion and he gave you his opinion on how he thinks you don’t pull your weight.

You have every right to disagree with him but chose to slap him instead.

I imagine he is now adding temper tantrum to your list of faults.

But she said she works full-time so how is it possible she isn't pulling her weight?