@PaperTyger
If this Man has "disappeared" who has his nuclear key
It is Saturday morning. Shoigu’s in his office thumbing through his vintage Finnish porn collection when Putin walks in.
Putin: “Hey Shoigy, have you seen the nuclear keys?”
Shoigu: “They’re in the draw by the toaster in the kitchen, where they’re normally kept”
Putin: “Not they’re not, for fuck’s sake. I’ve looked.”
Shoigu: “Calm down. Did you check properly? Remember, last week I bought some of those rubber coloured thingies from Yandex. Green on the lawnmower key, red on the gas meter cupboard key and yellow on the nuclear console keys.”
Putin: “Well that’s just fucking great. No yellow key here!”
Shoigu: “Is there a green key?”
Putin: “No. No green key. So what?”
Shoigu: “Well perhaps Lavrov’s got it. He went out to mow the lawn this morning and I hadn’t told him about the new colour coding system so suspect he took a whole bunch of them with him to be sure.”
Putin leaves the Kremlin to walk across the lawns and sure enough Lavrov’s in the Kremlin garden bent down over the lawnmower cursing.
Putin: “What’s up with you, Lavs?”
Lavrov: “This fucking mower’s not working properly. I paid 7,000 rubles to have it serviced after Christmas and the sodding battery is flat and the tyres have perished.”
Putin: “Well, you will always buy those cheap Chinese tyres. Never mind that, did you take the yellow key this morning. I need it?”
Lavrov: “No chance mate. I thought it was the mower key and went to turn it in the ignition, but the bugger snapped clean in two. Cheap rubbish. How was I to know. Intelligence round here is shocking.”
Putin: “What about the spare. There’s always two.”
Lavrov: “The spare was in my other trousers pocket. The trousers I packed when I went to London last time. They’re in my flat in Knightsbridge. Can it wait until I can go back and get them?”