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Original poster

I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

159 replies

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 19:33

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

OP posts:

drinkgwineoutofamug · 16/03/2022 19:36

If it's voluntary you can ask for him to move back at any time.
Many moons ago I had an issue with my daughter extremely different to yours.
She went into voluntary care on a section 21.
Something happened and I revoked it. She was back that afternoon.
How have SS said that this will help your son?

CraftyGin · 16/03/2022 19:37

The goal of foster care is for the child to return home. You would be under something called Section 20 so would continue to have parental responsibility. This means that you would be responsible for things like medical care, and anything to do with his education.

The court will decide what his contact arrangements should be. It has nothing to do with the social workers.

Do you already have a social worker?

Good luck, OP.

chickywoo · 16/03/2022 19:39

I imagine this is a very long and complicated story and so hard to give fully informed opinion but I think that they should be doing more to enable you to be able to support both your sons needs whilst being able to keep your family together.
I think the logic behind moving him in with complete strangers to help with anxiety is completely flawed.
Has your son had input from eating disorder and child mental health specialists?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/03/2022 19:42

If it's voluntary section 20 they cannot refuse to return him to your care. Just remember that if you withdraw consent and he comes home too soon he may not get another opportunity to be accommodated again.
Contrary to popular belief the local authority really doesn't want to keep your teenagers in care. It's really really expensive and a lot of work. They want them at home with their parents where possible.

GreekGod · 16/03/2022 19:44

Oh my goodness OP, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are scared. Isn’t there any way he can get help for his anxiety while living at home?

I believe it will be harder for him to go back home if you allow him to go into foster care in the first place based on personal experience of my DM best friends family. Kids went into foster care as my mums friend had alcohol issues - took years for her to get her children back home ; eventually went through the Courts

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 19:44

Section 20 and you share parental responsibility and can have him back anytime.

Not sure Foster care will help his anxiety though!

MindfulMarch · 16/03/2022 19:44

Can none of these family & friends have him stay?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/03/2022 19:45

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

Section 20 and you share parental responsibility and can have him back anytime.

Not sure Foster care will help his anxiety though!

The local authority does not gain parental responsibility under section 20

CraftyGin · 16/03/2022 19:45

My bad - I said that there would be court involvement, which would not be the case for a voluntary section 20.

hatchbrenner.co.uk/services/child-law-solicitors/section-20-agreements

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 19:46

Really? Pretty sure the LA shares PR with the parent for sect 20.

CraftyGin · 16/03/2022 19:50

From the website I linked:

Signing a Section 20 Agreement does not give the Local Authority Parental Responsibility over your child/children.

beenaroundtheblox · 16/03/2022 19:55

I have no experience of this but I hope you're getting the support you need too. Can't his dad (I'm assuming you are mum) help out? Could one of you live with the younger son and one with older just for a while?

TeenPlusCat · 16/03/2022 19:55

I think you should also put this post on the Foster Carer board.
I'm a bit concerned that getting him home wouldn't necessarily be as easy as you might think, and you might find you have less of a 'say' in things than you might think too.
This is based on reading about adopter's experiences of 'parenting from a distance'. (I'm an adopter to.)

Living with a family member even if it meant moving schools and you seeing him less might be preferable to getting caught up in the FC system.

The 'what if' is 'What if you decide you want him home, but the SW & FC assess he isn't better yet. Would they let him home or seek to change the terms under which he is accommodated.'

bellac11 · 16/03/2022 19:55

Parents often ask for their children to be accommodated and the aim is often muddled. Parents want the relief of not having to manage the difficulty, which is understandable. But equally continue to want to control day to day decisions about parenting which if is in opposition to what is assessed as being right for the child or not in accordance with how the foster carers home runs, can cause difficulty

The LA also need to consider whether to start proceedings and issue for an interim care order, they may need to do that further down the line if the parent appears unclear/uncommitted to having the child return home or if their expectations about how their child is looked after is not in accordance with the child's needs.

There is clearly a much bigger context to not being able to eat at home due to a brother with ADHD.

LAs would also much prefer that children either remain at home or are cared for by family so would work to see if his aunt could support you.

Deafdonkey · 16/03/2022 19:55

My sibling went into voluntary Foster care. It was the best decision for everyone and turned out to be the best decision for them. Whilst the issues were not solved overnight it made my sibling want to engage with help to support them living back at home.
No one can judge till you've walked it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/03/2022 19:57

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

Really? Pretty sure the LA shares PR with the parent for sect 20.

Absolutely not

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/03/2022 19:58

@TeenPlusCat

I think you should also put this post on the Foster Carer board. I'm a bit concerned that getting him home wouldn't necessarily be as easy as you might think, and you might find you have less of a 'say' in things than you might think too. This is based on reading about adopter's experiences of 'parenting from a distance'. (I'm an adopter to.)

Living with a family member even if it meant moving schools and you seeing him less might be preferable to getting caught up in the FC system.

The 'what if' is 'What if you decide you want him home, but the SW & FC assess he isn't better yet. Would they let him home or seek to change the terms under which he is accommodated.'

I promise you, local authorities aren't trying to steal teenagers and keep them in care. It's extreme expensive and a lot of work. We want them at home.

Moonface123 · 16/03/2022 20:00

l really feel for you both.
My son was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at ,13, its heartbreaking as a parent to watch them struggle so much, it was one of the worst times of my life l was so worried. l did get told by CAHMS that older teens are normally able to manage it alot better, my son is almost 17 now and thankfully has made a great improvement, so don' t lose hope.

l hope you both get much support, l know how difficult it is to access help, l felt l was banging my head against a brick wall.

cansu · 16/03/2022 20:02

I am not sure that foster care will be the environment that your ds needs. I would imagine that living with a complete stranger and potentially other young people with problems may also cause anxiety. Wouldn't he be better off with counselling and monitoring of his weight at home. If his brother is causing stress then shouldn't social care be helping with respite etc to enable your ds to feel safer.

TeenPlusCat · 16/03/2022 20:03

When I said 'this post' I meant the OP. By posting on Foster Carers it might get some audience of FCs who have teens in their care under section 20.

I know that LAs aren't trying to steal teenagers and keep them in care. However my vague memories of AUK boards of adopters parenting from a distance was as bellac11 covers. That is my concern, though I don't know how valid it is.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 20:06

Oh yes it's a shared agreement not PR. My bad.

OP like other posters have mentioned no one will want to keep your child if there is another option. Placements for teens are hard to come by and therapeutic placements even more so. Your son will likely end up in a house with other young people who will also have challenges like his sibling. Children in Foster care do have worse outcomes then other children. They live in a house where they don't belong. It's not great, it's just better than abuse. Although he might go there and be back home and be happy with you in a month.

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

bellac11 · 16/03/2022 20:17

@TeenPlusCat

When I said 'this post' I meant the OP. By posting on Foster Carers it might get some audience of FCs who have teens in their care under section 20.

Its not so much that 'we' want to keep the child in care, but once a child has been placed into care there are then statutory duties, it might be assessed that the parenting the child received is not meeting the child's needs and therefore control that the parent wants about day to day care is not appropriate and counterproductive to the child's progress. The LA then needs to decide whether it assumes PR by issuing at court or whether parents look like they can make changes so that the child returns home

Hankunamatata · 16/03/2022 20:22

What does the teen want to do?
I would worry about resentment if they were placed in foster care while his sibling who you say if the cause of his anxiety stays home - that must feel very unfair to a teen.
I would choose aunt over foster care.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/03/2022 20:24

Has there been no offer of help with a specialist eating disorder clinic?? ED is a symptom of an underlying illness, he needs help with that.

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