Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

159 replies

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 19:33

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 16/03/2022 20:29

I agree that the adhd child should be the one going into foster care. The older child has already been massively sidelined by his brother's issues, being literally sent away will compound his feelings of abandonment.

Jeez I feel for you but have you had therapy yourself?

caringcarer · 16/03/2022 20:30

I am a foster carer and I can assure you that if your son goes into not voluntary foster care you will be able to arrange to see him and meet him away from your other son. I have looked after 2 children with ADHD and so know how stressful living with a child with this is. If your son is so anxious around his sibling with be ADHD he c as my eat, thingsust be bad. If he can eat at his Aunt's house where he is not stressed the chances are h we will eat at foster carers house. If he is be anxious he will likely be placed as a single placement so not have to deal with other foster children. My dh and I have a single placement with complex needs and we revolve our lives around him. He needs to get CAHMS counseling. Foster carers and social services try very hard to keep up visits between parents and biogical children. At 14 they will also try hard to get a placement so he will not have to change schools if at all possible. Have you explained to this child why is will be placed in foster care and not his sibling with ADHD?

JungleJimbo · 16/03/2022 20:32

Poor boy

Is that what he wants?

Is respite not possible?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:35

@drinkgwineoutofamug

If it's voluntary you can ask for him to move back at any time. Many moons ago I had an issue with my daughter extremely different to yours. She went into voluntary care on a section 21. Something happened and I revoked it. She was back that afternoon. How have SS said that this will help your son?
He'll be able to eat there, he can't eat at home or at school, and while he's there he'll have enhanced medical and psychological support.

I just need to know that he'll come home.

Thanks so much.

OP posts:
JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 20:38

But why do they think your son will be able to eat there? If he can't eat at home because of your other son, then why will he be able to eat in Foster care potentially placed with 2/3 other young people and their complex needs.

bloodywhitecat · 16/03/2022 20:38

@caringcarer

I am a foster carer and I can assure you that if your son goes into not voluntary foster care you will be able to arrange to see him and meet him away from your other son. I have looked after 2 children with ADHD and so know how stressful living with a child with this is. If your son is so anxious around his sibling with be ADHD he c as my eat, thingsust be bad. If he can eat at his Aunt's house where he is not stressed the chances are h we will eat at foster carers house. If he is be anxious he will likely be placed as a single placement so not have to deal with other foster children. My dh and I have a single placement with complex needs and we revolve our lives around him. He needs to get CAHMS counseling. Foster carers and social services try very hard to keep up visits between parents and biogical children. At 14 they will also try hard to get a placement so he will not have to change schools if at all possible. Have you explained to this child why is will be placed in foster care and not his sibling with ADHD?
As a foster carer I second this.
RoadTripsOceanDips · 16/03/2022 20:39

OP please try to call Family Rights Group. They can give you some expert advice.

frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/children-in-the-care-system-under-voluntary-arrangements-section-20/

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:39

To all possible asking if he can't stay at home, he can't eat at home or at school. He lost 2kg in 4 days, which was why he was admitted to hospital. He's only a healthier weight now because they made him eat in hospital, but that's made his relationship with food worse.

OP posts:
MorningSicknessIsHell · 16/03/2022 20:40

What does his younger brother do to cause him
Anxiety over eating?

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/03/2022 20:41

@WonderfulYou If anyone is going on foster care surely it should be the one causing the problems in the first place - his DB. what a vile comment , he brother has adhd he isn’t “causing the problems.”

converseandjeans · 16/03/2022 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:41

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

But why do they think your son will be able to eat there? If he can't eat at home because of your other son, then why will he be able to eat in Foster care potentially placed with 2/3 other young people and their complex needs.
He only can't eat at home or at school. He's fine anywhere else, although he was having trouble in hospital because of the stress of everyone talking about food all the time.
OP posts:
georgarina · 16/03/2022 20:43

Is staying with his aunt not an option?

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 20:45

He'll be able to eat there, he can't eat at home or at school

How do you know he’ll definitely be able to eat there if he can’t eat at school or home?

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:45

@cansu

I am not sure that foster care will be the environment that your ds needs. I would imagine that living with a complete stranger and potentially other young people with problems may also cause anxiety. Wouldn't he be better off with counselling and monitoring of his weight at home. If his brother is causing stress then shouldn't social care be helping with respite etc to enable your ds to feel safer.
He can't eat at home.
OP posts:
Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:46

@WonderfulYou

He'll be able to eat there, he can't eat at home or at school

How do you know he’ll definitely be able to eat there if he can’t eat at school or home?

Those are the only places he can't eat.
OP posts:
Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 16/03/2022 20:46

Right now the absolute priority is that he eats. And if that will happen in foster care then that’s where he must go. The rest will come later. All the best

Bellie710 · 16/03/2022 20:47

My SIL put my DN in foster care when he was 14, he stayed there for around 6 months and eventually moved to live with another family member. The only thing I would say is be very very careful what you decide, my DN has serious issues mainly due to abandonment and went off the rails for a few years. Luckily for him he got a job and had some very good role models that helped him turn his life around. I am trying not to say too much as this could be outing but I would definitely go with the Aunt over foster care the distance is irrelevant. Think of what is best for him not that it will be harder for you to see him, when DN left foster care he had a very strange relationship with them and would contact them for help over his family.

SmallChange11 · 16/03/2022 20:49

How difficult for you op Thanks

Where does your ds want to go?

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 20:49

@MyDcAreMarvel RTFT before you comment.

OP has said he’s the one that’s causing the issue of why his brother can’t eat and was admitted to hospital.

So why is it acceptable that the one that’s so anxious he can’t eat and been hospitalised (causing more issues) going to go into foster care which will probably cause him to feel much worse, rather than his brother whose behaviour OP is obviously struggling with?

I’m surprised you can’t see anything wrong with someone already suffering from anxiety going to live with a complete stranger.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 20:50

Why can't he eat at home though? I don't understand why if his anxiety around his dbs adhd means he can't eat at home why he'd be able to eat in a house with other young people and their often complex needs. IMO most young people in Foster care have complex ptsd and find it hard to regulate their emotions. Looked after children have very high rates of low MH. It won't be unusual to be living in a placement where people self harm, have suicide ideation and make attempts, shout a lot, punch walls and generally find it extremely difficult to regulate their emotions. Foster care is hard work. I don't understand why he will be able to deal with those issues and not his dbs.

BTW placements are so hard to find especially for teens let alone single placements. You might get one but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Manekinek0 · 16/03/2022 20:50

I'm not sure what the issue is at home OP seeing as you are reluctant to disclose (no pressure, it not my business). But will you be getting support to change whatever is causing the issue?

ams1210 · 16/03/2022 20:51

Foster care will not help your sons anxiety .All it will do is heighten other areas he may be struggling with it will also make it harder for him to come home to you as he has left his "safe sanctuary" and gone into a home. Wish you and your son the best OP Flowers

ldontWanna · 16/03/2022 20:52

@TheLovelinessOfDemons does he know the options available to him? How does he feel about them and which would he prefer? At the moment the first priority is getting him on track health wise so eating, and hopefully gaining weight. Alongside that, mental health support and interventions to support him with his anxiety and help him cope.

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/03/2022 20:52

@WonderfulYou I read every post. Huge difference between the brothers disability being the reason and the brother “causing the problem”.

And nowhere did I say there was no issue with the teen living with a stranger. Please don’t put words into my mouth.