I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

@Barkingmadhouse

As you have a DH can you not split the family in 2, you with one child and DH with the other. Far from ideal but a much better scenario that putting into foster

And live where? With what funds? I mean sure OP's family might have a really high income,but I somehow doubt it.

@bunfighters

Do you think your older son may have some undiagnosed issue like ASD and the anxiety is actually arising from that? I would be worried that there is a bigger issue and this might not be being addressed and the FC situation might not help.

I've thought that since he was about 2, I was only diagnosed 3 years ago, and the ED consultant also asked if I thought he had it. DS 14 is very resistant to the idea though, and thinks I think that because I have it.

I'm a foster carer. Like other foster carers, I have a child who has ADHD and autism. Yes, foster carers will do their best, but it is not going to be a miracle. There may well be children in foster carers home who cause anxiety to your DC too.
Sounds like your DC has identified that aunt will be best as he knows he can eat there. That's good. You will be able to build things gradually at aunt's in a way you can't in foster care. You and his DB can visit at her house for a few days.

@Barkingmadhouse has hit the nail on the head with that solution.

Honestly you should be doing all you can to keep your dc out of care.

@Febrier

DS 14 wants to come home, but has said he won't eat, so that can't happen. If this doesn't work he says he'll go to my aunt's. He doesn't want to go there because he doesn't think the treatment will work there, as he won't be in the stressful environment and already eats fine there.

What's his priority? Eating (anywhere) or getting treatment (so he can eat at home)?

Hmmm good question. I'll ask him.

He says getting treatment.

If he goes into foster care he will most likely be able to stay at same school if he wants to. Stability and continuity will be important to him if he leaves home for a while. Also poster who said children in care don't get priority for counseling is wrong. Child I care for asked for counseling and got 6 sessions within 4 weeks, not with CAHMS but a private counseling service which SS paid for. It makes me sad to hear how negatively foster care is perceived by some posters. Some children do really well in foster care. The child o care for is no longer angry and aggressive all the time, now engaged in his education and has after school tutors, and has got I to a county level sports team and will be going on to college in September.

OP I really feel for you all but I also feel it's wrong to attribute all of your DS's eating issues to his brother's ADHD.

ADHD can be a really difficult challenging condition (I have a DS with both ASD and ADHD and it's hard) but it is honestly not a normal reaction for siblings to simply stop eating either at home or at school because they have a brother with ADHD.

Your DS has an eating disorder. He needs to seek treatment for that disorder. I'm not sure, from what you've written, and from what others have pointed out, that voluntary foster care is going to help him.

I hope you are able to find a solution that works for you all.

Completely agree with @bunfighters - once I”d read your first post, OP, I thought that DS14 probably has similar challenges.

My autistic DS took years to diagnose because he’s so good at articulating everything, and has extreme anxiety, but he also shuts down because of ADHD behaviour. I’m NOT saying, my child, therefore all children, but I really think that, given you have already said you have a diagnosis, and the consultant actually gave you an opportunity to explore it, that it needs following up again. I’m sorry.

I would also suggest that, given your DS14 having such strong reactions to the idea, his entire anxiety/issues with eating etc maybe around the fact that he sees his brother, sees your struggles (assuming it makes life interesting, as it does for me?!), and is desperately worried that he has similar.

In fact, the more I think about htis, the more I see similarities. My allegedly neurotypical child is also a teenager, and finds anything that may suggest he is like us very difficult to handle. Not because he’s awful, but because he’s scared.

I’d put money on it, your son has held it together for years, and it’s falling apart now (very common with kids who have got by on masking and compliance, for it to become too hard as a teenager), and now is having a crisis of confidence/identity. (And by identity, i mean is he neurodiverse, what does that mean, can he “keep being normal”).

Even if he won’t talk to you about it, I’d definitely flag it to whoever is responsible for the enhanced medical and social support.

Good luck, horrendous situation for you, but I hope this is the beginning of solving the most difficult issues.

I think this would be a massive mistake. He is very unlikely to get the support you are being promised by SS. I think it is likely to make his anxiety much much worse and manifest in other destructive ways. You need to get to the route of the anxiety, he needs intensive therapy. I agree with a PP that splitting the family in two might be the best solution for now, whilst one of you lives with him you need to get him in talking therapies.

@caringcarer

If he goes into foster care he will most likely be able to stay at same school if he wants to. Stability and continuity will be important to him if he leaves home for a while. Also poster who said children in care don't get priority for counseling is wrong. Child I care for asked for counseling and got 6 sessions within 4 weeks, not with CAHMS but a private counseling service which SS paid for. It makes me sad to hear how negatively foster care is perceived by some posters. Some children do really well in foster care. The child o care for is no longer angry and aggressive all the time, now engaged in his education and has after school tutors, and has got I to a county level sports team and will be going on to college in September.

Firstly I was talking about standard services. Not all LAs will arrange for private services for children, very few do.

Secondly I dont view foster care negatively, unfortunately some children dont receive the parenting they need at home, with parents identifying all sorts of sideways issues as reasons why their children cant remain at home rather than recognise its about their parenting but because of that it means that children in the care system are inevitably damaged. This means that its hard for some children to do well which is why there is a perception that children do 'badly' in care. They were doing 'badly' before they came into care

Having said that, there is no quick fix, it wont be different for him in care and whatever placement is lined up for him now, wont necessarily be in place - a solo placement may have to change in an emergency if the carer has to take another child in the middle of the night, a carer might give notice if the child's needs are too high or parental relationship too destructive, all sorts of things occur outside of the original planning.

He says getting treatment.

Then doesn't he need to be at home, seeing as he can already eat in other people's houses? You will say he can't stay at home because he needs to eat. It all seems a little odd.

I feel for you, I'm sure you're at the end of your tether. What are the experts recommending?

Also, can he not live at home, but eat elsewhere?

Ok he won't eat at home but why won't he eat at school? Is there some stress at school which adds to this? Does he share rooms with his brother? could his brother stay with his aunt for a couple of weeks so you could just concentrate on him & not go to school for that period either?
ADHD is a wide spectrum of how dc behave - not all are really hyper or ott but I suspect you are talking about a child whose behaviour is perhaps more extreme & perhaps has other issues wrapped within it - like extreme difficulty with sleep - perhaps wrecking his brothers things or not leaving him to have quiet times. Do they share rooms or have adjoining rooms? When did this start, I wonder, 14 is about time puberty kicks in & many boys & girls get depression about this time. I think a bit more info from school about what is going on there might be useful op (you may have done all of this already)

Op this is so difficult for you my sympathy

So where would he eat and what is stopping him eating at home, is it the environment , his view of others behaviours?

Before you agree to anything, you need a clear plan (in writing) from SS. About the placement, what will happen,when , how will his support be provided,when will it start,for how long etc. and most importantly what could go wrong and what contingency plans are in place.

In theory it sounds good, and tbh the best option but there is a very real worry that what you are being promised and what will actually happen won't match.

I still don't get why he can't/won't eat at home and school, but fine Anywhere else. What does he actually say us the reason?

Foster care really doesn’t sound like the right option. It could end up being more stressful than being at home. In the short term he needs to eat, so makes sense for him to go to his aunts. Receiving therapy etc could take time so at least while he’s waiting he could start to break the unhealthy relationship with food by just being in the routine of eating regularly.

You said he cant eat at home because of his brother, but why cant he eat at school? If you’re autistic and his brother is ADHD it’s highly likely he is neurodiverse in some way too, so it may be he finds the school environment completely overwhelming or has AFRID.

It’s vital he is properly assessed and diagnosed in order to receive the right support & treatment. Perhaps you could find a therapist or charity that could give advice on how to approach this with him.

Finally, is your son with ADHD receiving adequate support at school/home/medically? It must be incredibly hard to try and balance the needs of your children when they are so different and you need as much support as possible.

The other issue is that if there are difficulties at school (as evidenced by him not eating there), he may end up losing his school place or being on a part time time table, that is a massive thing that often causes placement instability.
Theres much more here that just being anxious because a sibling who may have challenging behaviour due to ADHD (and who OP says is 'fine').
Sometimes its easier to look at factors about the child (anxiety or ADHD) for problems rather than the parenting they are given per se.

CAMHS tried to push us into this route and we refused. At the time they were hell bent on pushing the blame onto us for the issues our child had, instead of providing them with the support they needed. Very poor on the part of CAMHS really.

Have they considered an eating disorders clinic admission instead to try and help get to the root of the eating issues, and useful ways forward?

OP if you are able to, could you be a bit more specific about what the issue is between the siblings....some of us may have been there and possibly offer some solutions.

For example in my household we have kids and parents with either ASD, ADHD or both ...some of them have misophonia...those with misophonia tend to make a fuss about certain things (other people eating) and cause those without the misophonia to feel pressure and stress (when eating)...we don't really eat meals together anymore because that's how we keep everyone happy.

One child (undiagnosed at the moment but suspected pda) cannot stand the sounds, sights of certain foods..they are allowed to eat in their room if they absolutley have to...They are not allowed to stay if they are causing a fuss, gagging, being rude. This child also suffers with anxiety and that often manifests as extremely controlling behaviour.

I'm sorry to say it and I don't mean it horribly...and I know it's not his fault... but do you think your son might have starting this as a coping strategy...a way to have some control over things..and maybe it's just got out of hand and he can't break the habit.
I ask this because my other older child is going through something similar...and I know he already has anxieties around eating, some of those being because of the things I mentioned upthread. It's purely based on mood and environment though not where he is physically.
So with a few of us having these issues we try to adapt as much as we can.
We don't tend to go out to eat.
My youngest won't eat anywhere but at home but we don't actually know why...as he is non verbal.
My youngest will also snatch and throw food off of others plates so no-one wants to eat with him...I could go on!

Fwiw for Important meals we will allow headphones at the table etc
Some circumstances would keep things buffet style so kids can wander in and out and just pick, take a plate into garden etc anything that gets a bit of food into them

There's nothing wrong with temp foster care if it helps..but what will be the solution when he comes home.

@bellac11 parental blame - right can I suggest a nice journal article for you to read called "walk a mile in my shoes" regarding social workers doing courses for parents of children with ASD
Whilst there are parents who have difficulties with caring for their children caring for children with any mental issue aka ADHD, Mental Health & Autistic Spectrum - especially if you are in the spectrum yourself is incredible difficult
What parents don't need is judgement but support

My 14 year old insisted he wanted to be fostered/go into care - he didn't care where. He stuck to his guns.

I'd removed his Xbox and phone from him for not feeding the dog when he got home from school, not pulling over his duvet in the mornings, leaving dirty pants and socks all over the floor. He said he had rights as a child to have 'means of communication' and reported me to childline. Who emailed him back saying he was being abused.

He wanted to move in with a friend who is a fosterer but he didn't like her terms. So has stayed here at his 'home.'

OP you've done brave thing and its clear you care about your son and want what is best for him.

It sounds like he will be able to access the support and services that he needs this way.

You will still need to advocate strongly for him and push to make sure that the supports are in place.

The aim will be to get the supports in place to rehabilitate your son home. But eating disorders are really hard and you will all have a long journey ahead.

I wish you all the best.

I think him going into foster care is a really bad idea. There's no reason he can't go to your aunts for a period to build himself back up food wise, have a bit of a break, and then receive "treatment" whatever that looks like, while there. He could dip back into your home and/or his school to "test" his eating and challenge his anxieties if appropriate.

Foster care is going to bring with it a whole host of other potential issues and complications that could easily make things much much worse. Especially if there is undiagnosed ASC.

And you haven't gone into detail about what exactly is making him anxious but if he does have ASC, standard therapies are unlikely to be much help and alternative strategies may be needed.

This all sounds very complex and I think foster care is just going to add more complexity rather than resolve anything.

How is his brother having ADHD stop him from eating?
I wouldn’t send him to foster care. It would be a very last resort.
Just out of curiosity, if you took your son out for a meal each day without his brother for example, would he eat? If you packed food as a picnic and sat on a bench without his brother, would he eat? Would he eat in the car if you drove the car a short distance away from home?
I don’t know what you’ve tried but I’d be trying to get him to eat someway, somehow while he gets the help he needs.
I’m sorry if I’m making it sounds too simplistic. I’m just trying to understand a little more.