I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

OP - Why are these options being communicated by a SW? Where is DS’s psychiatrist? Is this the outcome of a care meeting between medical and social care professionals? Have you spoken to the psychiatrist directly? What is their view? What is DS’s actual diagnosis? Is it anxiety disorder or an ED or both?

My teen ds was under a VOLUNTARY order from SS last year, I agreed to it as I thought it'd finally get us the help we'd been begging for from CAMHS. After signing it I found out that it made ZERO difference and in fact just stressed my ds out so much more.

To protect my ds I then asked to be removed but then found out that although it was voluntary to join it's not voluntary to leave!!!

it was terrifying as they told me that in order to take him off the register I'd have to have multiple assessments and meetings with numerous SW - at a time when my highly anxious mentally ill ds wouldn't speak to anyone. They told me that if he didn't pass the assessment to come off the register then it could escalate to a compulsory care order - risking losing him and my other dc to the care system.

In order to avoid this I had to beg him to speak at the assessments which obviously made his anxiety a million times worse but eventually he did and TWO MONTHS later we were signed off the register.

Avoid if you can OP - I was told that it was a simple process and that I'd always be in control seeing as it's voluntary. That was utter BS and it was one of the worst experiences of my life feeling trapped in the system. I'm a highly educated professional and not fazed by government organisations/ systems (I work for ones!) - and I felt totally out of control.

I’d be worried that the foster placement will end up exacerbating they anxiety. Frankly, the aunt doesn’t sound ideal either. Anxiety and eating disorders do often mean ASD so if a parent is on the spectrum it would be surprising if that isn’t part of the issue.

Have you tried the divide and conquer approach yet? Separating the kids living spaces yourselves so that you can be the ones to provide the appropriate, safe living space your son needs.

How on earth would sending a 14 year old going through teenage years and hormones, body image, exam pressure, peer anxiety, social media and everything else teenagers struggle with these days, to a strange family alone help with his anxiety.

My god tell the social workers to do one. Spend as much time with your son as possible, get some 1 to 1 time, can you get a carer/babysitter for your other child sometimes. Take your son to the cinema, bowling, park, Mac Donald’s, will he eat outside if he can’t at home. Picnics, bag of chips in the park. Can you watch a TV series when your other child is in bed? I used to watch Netflix every night just for 30 mins when younger ones in bed, Friday night dinners? The office? Lucifer (maybe when 15). Teenagers need their parents support and you need to be close by even if they want to be grown up and not need you, they absolutely do need you walking behind them and looking out for them. Once they have the space in your company they will open up to you and share some of their anxiety but you need to rebuild your bond. Moving him out will break the bond further.

It sounds a really difficult situation for you all.

Can he eat at home if his brother is not in the house?

OP, has your DS had an assessment for ASD?

My DS has ASD and struggled a great deal with the whole social side of eating together, coupled with a sensitivity to certain noises. At school it was too noisy and busy and at home he had an outgoing and very chatty younger DD. Although he had no issue eating, he would bolt his food and want to get down asap. Social eating was a trigger point for his anxiety and was certainly not an enjoyable experience for any of us. To cut a long story short he spent three years eating his dinner in his bedroom. He was relaxed and happy and that was what was important.

He has improved massively with age along with appropriate coping strategies.

@TatianaBis

OP - Why are these options being communicated by a SW? Where is DS’s psychiatrist? Is this the outcome of a care meeting between medical and social care professionals? Have you spoken to the psychiatrist directly? What is their view? What is DS’s actual diagnosis? Is it anxiety disorder or an ED or both?

Good point. It's his MH professionals that really should be saying where the best place for him is, not SS, and certainly not him.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1473325011415565?journalCode=qswa
It was either this one or another one linked to this which discussed courses that social workers organised to instruct these women on how they should care for their children with ASD because they were all doing it wrong, of course. Naturally none of the SW had children with ASD
t brings up bitter memories of trying to get dd2 diagnosed for ASD & how some of the clinicians behaved (namely ignoring my adolescent dd & talking down to us.

I know you're not asking for alternate solutions, but I offer one anyway.

You said DS10 is essentially what's causing DS14 to be too anxious to eat at home. If you had them eat at separate times, or separate locations, would that help?

@chickywoo

I imagine this is a very long and complicated story and so hard to give fully informed opinion but I think that they should be doing more to enable you to be able to support both your sons needs whilst being able to keep your family together. I think the logic behind moving him in with complete strangers to help with anxiety is completely flawed. Has your son had input from eating disorder and child mental health specialists?

I agree. Why should one child be sacrificed for another? It could cause such resentment and jealousy and hurt in the 14yr old

It seems unfair to in effect punish the already suffering one , sending him to strangers.

Much better to work with supporting both rather than “ Abandoning “ one of them.

Is it he can’t eat at home as in in your house? Could you possibly take him out for food and him come home after. Would he be happy to go into a foster home? I would be worried it would cause him more anxiety

There’s plenty of adolescent eating disorders psychiatric hospitals he could go to. It sounds like that would be a better fit. The main patient demographic is female anorexics but they’d be fully equipped to gradually build up home leave and meals on the ward that you could attend with him. It’s also not unusual for these admissions to be 6+ months.

It might be less disruptive and with the clear goal of discharge home. Also it would mean attending hospital school so I suppose that would be very disruptive, but it’s sounds like he can’t attend school at the moment if he can’t eat there?

Also they don’t require definite diagnosis of ED, just referral from community camhs.

My biggest concern is that his brother is a red herring and that he doesn't want to go to his aunts because not eating there will shove his current excuses out as well.

He sounds so much like my brother in law, he likely has high functioning autism. He has a very fixed idea about who he is and what the problems are in his life (none are due to him of course, he is a total victim of circumstance). He is deeply resistant to any suggestion that he is ND (while being very supportive of my ND) and while claiming he is desperate for support he actively sabotages any plans that are put in place.

I think he need to go to his aunts for a period. Even lie to him and say there are no placements available for a while and he needs to gain strength by eating. The Foster placement is an unknown where it can result in him not eating again, that may be his plan.

I am so sorry for your family going through this OP. If you want your son to get genuine help it will likely involve stripping away the excuses, this can be horrendous for all involved but may give a better path forward. But no path is easy with complex mental health issues though.

@Cloudsarebright that’s what I was thinking. A specialist ED unit seems an obvious solution. But without knowing his diagnosis it’s not clear if that’s even an option.

If he doesn’t eat at home or school there’s a high possibility of his not eating in foster care, and if his aunt is at a distance, how can he continue treatment?

I am going to assumr that you've already tried having them eat in different times/places. That's what I do with mine. Ds2 eats with me and dh. Ds1 eats later or in another room.

@Cloudsarebright

Also they don’t require definite diagnosis of ED, just referral from community camhs.

Ah that’s interesting.

It’s such an obvious option, why do you think it hasn’t been suggested?

This all sounds like a control issue.

An eating disorder in other words. Is there any way you can get him specific eating disorder help?

You are really only applying a plaster by sending him somewhere to feed him up. He'll come home and the cycle will begin again.

@mathanxiety

This all sounds like a control issue.

An eating disorder in other words. Is there any way you can get him specific eating disorder help?

You are really only applying a plaster by sending him somewhere to feed him up. He'll come home and the cycle will begin again.

This

What does a the paed psychiatrist say about all of this?

I think this would be a massive mistake. He is very unlikely to get the support you are being promised by SS. I think it is likely to make his anxiety much much worse and manifest in other destructive ways.

As someone who struggled terribly with anxiety as a child, I second this.

OP are you in touch with an eating disorder clinic who can help offer other solutions?

This must be so hard for you.

My friend has a son with an eating disorder and another with other mental health issues. I'd only allow your son to go elsewhere if it is really what he wants.

Can you keep your older son at home and make a space for him so he is eating separately and has more of his own space.

My older child has a lot of health issues and his younger brother doesn't always understand and feels that older one being in bed all day is a privilege. I try and keep them apart most of the time and supervise a lot. My older one is 17 and younger is 11 almost 12, so a similar age gap.

@drawingpad

You suggested Ear Defenders.

I have never seen my girlfriend's daughter without them. Perfect suggestion. She is on the spectrum and shuts down around noise.
I hope OP takes your advice.

Depending on the social services where you live will depend of whether you will get your kid back. Your supposed to be able to withdraw a voluntary Foster placement at anytime but it doesn't always work from I've seen. I'd go to a solicitor before putting him Foster care to know your rights and to make sure the right forms are signed ect.