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Original poster

I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

159 replies

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 19:33

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

OP posts:
Drawerofcrap · 16/03/2022 22:03

You seem to be avoiding the questions asking why the ds with adhd isn't the one going into Foster care...if he's the one causing your eldest issues why don't you keep the eldest at home and send your youngest for respite to give you all a break or does he not eat at home even when youngest isn't there?

Onceuponatimethen · 16/03/2022 22:03

I was wondering if he had asd from your opening post. I see you think so too and have suggested assessment. What do the SS say about the asd possibility?

TatianaBis · 16/03/2022 22:04

Whether foster care works depends on an outcome that you cannot now foresee so from that POV I would choose aunts. Foster care is too much of a punt - could work out, could make things worse.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ldontWanna · 16/03/2022 22:04

@Quatrophoenix

My 14 year old insisted he wanted to be fostered/go into care - he didn't care where. He stuck to his guns.

I'd removed his Xbox and phone from him for not feeding the dog when he got home from school, not pulling over his duvet in the mornings, leaving dirty pants and socks all over the floor. He said he had rights as a child to have 'means of communication' and reported me to childline. Who emailed him back saying he was being abused.

He wanted to move in with a friend who is a fosterer but he didn't like her terms. So has stayed here at his 'home.'

OP's son ended up in the hospital . He's not a stroppy teen ,wanting to go away because mummy is being mean to him.Hmm
SD1978 · 16/03/2022 22:06

What's the difference in support being out of the home in foster care? He'll be placed with a family, in a group facility- potentially with other children who may have additional needs. He won't be 1-1 necessarily. The help provided in care, would be different than the help provided at home in what way? Whilst it still may be your better option, if that's what you decide, I would assume the services out in place would be the same, and where he would be going wouldn't have anyone ore qualified living there with him?

TatianaBis · 16/03/2022 22:07

Was he treated for an ED or for anxiety or both? What did the psychiatrists recommend for where he goes next?

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 22:07

@caringcarer Foster care isn't a positive step. No LA wants to take any child into care unless they are at risk of harm because its not positive. Care leavers have the worst outcomes and are severely held back, they have awful rates of MH issues. I think the sex worker statistic is something like 73% of street working sex workers were in care, it might be 75 I can't remember off the top of my head. Dc do better at home with good enough parents then in Foster care and then dealing with leaving care. It's not a nice process No matter how lovely a FC could be. That's nothing against any FC, it's not a personal attack, it's a fact that children in care do worse and have worse outcomes.

And the majority of LAs do not pay for private counselling and I personally think 6 sessions of counselling isn't enough to scratch the surface let alone help our most vulnerable young people in the country. Every single report you will find that goes to the gov or government advisors for LAC and care leavers states that better MH support is desperately needed. Foster care does not cure, it's a sticking plaster until they become care leavers.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 22:08

@Fluffycavut

I'm so confused, why does Adhd stop someone else from eating?
Because his noise when he's angry makes him anxious. DS 10 doesn't know how to stop himself, CAMHS haven't been much help and I try my best to calm him down.
OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 16/03/2022 22:09

If he can’t eat at home because of his brother, why can’t he eat at school? I’d be very worried that the foster placement wouldn’t be any better .

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 22:14

How long are you expecting him to be in foster care for?

My worry would be that it would end up being a long time or even permanent.

He obviously needs help now as he’s making himself ill but if he manages his anxiety away from the home it might get worse as soon as he comes home.

It very much sounds like he could have ASD which he may be able to manage better in a calmer environment but it’s not going to go away and as his brother becomes a teen his behaviour could get worse which is then going to make DS worse.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 22:15

@WonderfulYou

Also I know so many amazing foster carers but the teens I work with who are in foster care would give anything to not be in care.

Obviously if your son is asking for it then it’s slightly different but I do believe it does affect them in a negative way, even if their foster home is lovely.

Obviously I guess it’s better there than being seriously ill from not eating though.

Is your aunt in a position to have him for a while or would it be difficult for her?

My aunt told me to say he should go to hers. I didn't want him to go because she'd put restrictions on him regarding his appearance and his friends (she has form), he doesn't want to go because he already eats fine there so it would be a false situation, and SS don't want him to go because it's too far away from home for regular visits.
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 22:16

Does DS 10 have an EHCP and go to a specialist school?

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 22:18

@Sarahcoggles

If he can’t eat at home because of his brother, why can’t he eat at school? I’d be very worried that the foster placement wouldn’t be any better .
He doesn't know what's causing the anxiety at school.
OP posts:
drawingpad · 16/03/2022 22:18

Because his noise when he's angry makes him anxious. DS 10 doesn't know how to stop himself, CAMHS haven't been much help and I try my best to calm him down.

I presume you have tried ear defenders and allowing him to eat in his room, out of regular mealtimes? It sounds so obvious but you haven't mentioned anything that you have tried in order to hop the anxiety. SS should have a lot more support to offer, places to signpost you to in order to enable your son to stay at home.

lighterskies · 16/03/2022 22:18

@TatianaBis

Was he treated for an ED or for anxiety or both? What did the psychiatrists recommend for where he goes next?
This was my query.

Has a mental health professional with a reasonable knowledge of working with anxiety okayed this?

Usually it is recommended to lean into rather than away from the issues causing anxiety.
Is there a detailed plan focusing on how they get him living back in your house.

Have they assessed for all other co- morbidities?

I'm not sure this is actually the best answer for the problem.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 22:20

@WonderfulYou

Does DS 10 have an EHCP and go to a specialist school?
We've applied for an EHCP and he goes to a mainstream school, he's just got into a mainstream secondary.
OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 16/03/2022 22:21

Have you tried taking your younger son out for a walk at your older sons mealtimes? Combined with older son having some meals out? Cafes, picnics, fast food restaurants.

WomblingWilma · 16/03/2022 22:24

I think foster care would be a big risk OP. It would depend on what foster care is available, whether there will be other children who are likely to have complex needs and challenging behaviours etc, if he would cope living with strangers. Some children are placed out of area, there could be placement moves so lack of continuity which may compound his anxiety.

I’d go for the Aunt. The most important thing at the moment is him eating and getting to a healthy weight. School can be put on the back burner for now, his health is more important. From the sounds of it, he will feel safe there and you can have close contact with him and be more aware of what’s going on than if he’s in the system so to speak. Perhaps in conjunction with psychological support and assessment to look into the underlying cause, you could try taking your other son to have small meals in the Aunts house to gently reintroduce them to eating together after he’s been eating well for a while? If that’s the cause of the problem, then him being in foster care where you couldn’t do that, is not going to help for when he does come back home?

My DS has ASD and suddenly stopped eating or even drinking out of the house when he was about 14/15. He has massive social anxiety and we’ve never got to the bottom of it but we think something was said to him at school about the way he eats.

PinkNails1 · 16/03/2022 22:27

Can your youngest go into a different part of the house during meal times? Although that doesn’t explain why he doesn’t eat at school. Would your ds benefit from an inpatient eating disorder facility? Might be a more suitable choice than foster care.

Puffalicious · 16/03/2022 22:28

I'm sorry for all your troubles, OP. I have a 10 yo with adhd and asd and know how tough it can be on the whole family. You need to get treatment for your son's adhd: medication has changed my DS's life. Please look into it.

This is not anyone's fault, least of all your DS with anxiety. But I really, really do think the anxiety will get worse if you go down the Foster care route. Like a PP says, there's a huge school of thought that you lean into the cause of the anxiety and learn coping mechanisms. Your DS can't just change his environment every time there's an anxiety inducing situation.

I also have 2 teenagers and there's no way I'd be removing them from their home. They're no less important than their brother. Think about the message you're giving out here. Taking other DS out/ respite (apply for DLA) should be the first port of call.

MichelleScarn · 16/03/2022 22:30

Is it the noise of the 10yo eating or just general noise from him. I'd think unless he has therapy yo manage with this noise he ever be able to come home?

Fangdango · 16/03/2022 22:32

Is it only around eating that his brother's noise stresses him out? Or is he looking for more general respite? I would definitely let him go off and relax and eat in his bedroom - I hate eating around that kind of noise and like to retreat with a meal. But I imagine social services would have gone through that sort of tactic well before suggesting foster care.

it sounds as if his problem is a bit wider ranging, and if foster care is easily reversible and he gets the treatment he needs, maybe he does need that retreat and that space.

titchy · 16/03/2022 22:44

I doubt very much it's the younger child's noise particularly as he can't explain the lack of eating at school. I also suspect that his ED will soon enough be seen in his foster care placement, and that with someone else looking after him the therapy won't be forthcoming.

And while he clearly needs to be involved in his treatment, I don't think you asking him to effectively decide his treatment by making the pretty significant decision of where to live is helpful - his life must be overwhelming enough as it is.

If his weight is now ok after the hospital stay then intensive therapy, which is appropriate for his ASD, at home, is surely the way forward. Him moving elsewhere simply delays addressing things.

His brother and father temporarily moving out might be sensible in the very short term though.

ElegantlyTouched · 16/03/2022 22:45

Would he be able to eat at home were his brother not there? If so, could your younger DS go to a residential school for a term (or even foster carers himself) so your very ill son has a chance to recover with people who live him?

ISpyCobraKai · 16/03/2022 22:48

I put my Dd in care, a Children's home when she was 14.
She was a danger to herself and to me and I'd exhausted every other avenue.
Whilst I don't feel great about it, I have no regrets, It was the right decision for us both.
Children's home doesn't mean like "Annie", either, and it was next-door to our house.

She was there for 14 months, though after the first 6 spent more time with me.
It's not been plain sailing since, it never will be when she has PDA but she's doing brilliantly.