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Original poster

I'm putting my DS 14 into voluntary foster care

159 replies

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 19:33

He was admitted to hospital because he's nearly stopped eating because of anxiety. The choices presented to us by the social worker were:
Bring him home
Send him to my aunt
Put him in voluntary foster care

He can't eat at home because he has anxiety from his younger DB with ADHD.

My aunt lives a long way away and he wouldn't be able to visit as easily. Also DS is concerned that he can already eat there fine as it's away from the stress, so it's a false situation.

Foster care would be in our city and he'd visit occasionally to see if he can eat here, with a view to returning home once they've worked on his anxiety.

My family and one of my friends are scaring me, saying that he'll never come home. I'm looking for unbiased facts.

Will he come home, or is he in the system forever if he goes to a placement?

I'm scared.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 20:52

Those are the only places he can't eat.

How do you know this though?
Unless he’s already been in foster care before?

What’s the reasons he can’t eat at home or school that’s different to being in foster care?

I’m concerned that you say he was forced to eat in hospital which has made him worse.

I really think a holiday with family (either him or his brother) for a week or 2, would be way better than jumping into foster care.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:52

He can't eat at home or at school. His brother is doing fine at home. He's just being an average child with ADHD.

DS 14 wants to come home, but has said he won't eat, so that can't happen. If this doesn't work he says he'll go to my aunt's. He doesn't want to go there because he doesn't think the treatment will work there, as he won't be in the stressful environment and already eats fine there.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:53

@WonderfulYou

Those are the only places he can't eat.

How do you know this though?
Unless he’s already been in foster care before?

What’s the reasons he can’t eat at home or school that’s different to being in foster care?

I’m concerned that you say he was forced to eat in hospital which has made him worse.

I really think a holiday with family (either him or his brother) for a week or 2, would be way better than jumping into foster care.

We've done the holiday for a week or two, he comes back home and stops eating.
OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hawkins001 · 16/03/2022 20:53

With all due respect considering the other unkowns, is fostering the best option ? I don't know anything about the foster care system.

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 20:55

Huge difference between the brothers disability being the reason and the brother “causing the problem”.

@MyDcAreMarvel ‘being the reason’ and ‘causing the problem’ mean the same thing in this situation.
Stop being so pedantic and trying to derail the thread.

JiannaTheWitchQueen · 16/03/2022 20:55

But why can't he eat?

And don't expect a lot of MH support just because he goes into care. It's woeful for looked after children just as much as children not looked after because of funding. Looked after children develop further problems from being in care. It's just better than the alternative in lots of cases.

vamptramp · 16/03/2022 20:55

@sweetbellyhigh

I agree that the adhd child should be the one going into foster care. The older child has already been massively sidelined by his brother's issues, being literally sent away will compound his feelings of abandonment.

Jeez I feel for you but have you had therapy yourself?

Wtf?
Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:56

@caringcarer

I am a foster carer and I can assure you that if your son goes into not voluntary foster care you will be able to arrange to see him and meet him away from your other son. I have looked after 2 children with ADHD and so know how stressful living with a child with this is. If your son is so anxious around his sibling with be ADHD he c as my eat, thingsust be bad. If he can eat at his Aunt's house where he is not stressed the chances are h we will eat at foster carers house. If he is be anxious he will likely be placed as a single placement so not have to deal with other foster children. My dh and I have a single placement with complex needs and we revolve our lives around him. He needs to get CAHMS counseling. Foster carers and social services try very hard to keep up visits between parents and biogical children. At 14 they will also try hard to get a placement so he will not have to change schools if at all possible. Have you explained to this child why is will be placed in foster care and not his sibling with ADHD?
His social worker discussed it with him. It's a joint decision between SS, myself, DH, and DS 14.
OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 16/03/2022 20:57

@WonderfulYou no they do mean the same thing. You are being disablist. I am not derailing the thread but I will always call people out when they are blatantly disabilist especially against a child. Also the op is not struggling with her son with adhd that was another disabilist comment/assumption.

Original poster
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 16/03/2022 20:58

Social services have put a plan of enhanced medical and psychological support.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 16/03/2022 20:58

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

But why can't he eat?

And don't expect a lot of MH support just because he goes into care. It's woeful for looked after children just as much as children not looked after because of funding. Looked after children develop further problems from being in care. It's just better than the alternative in lots of cases.

It depends if the treatment and mental health support is part of the foster care arrangements . From the OP it sounds like it comes as a package.
bunfighters · 16/03/2022 20:59

Do you think your older son may have some undiagnosed issue like ASD and the anxiety is actually arising from that? I would be worried that there is a bigger issue and this might not be being addressed and the FC situation might not help.

vamptramp · 16/03/2022 20:59

What is it about the other DS behaviour that causes DS to not be able to eat?

This sounds like it needs far more assistance medically than just moving out of the home.

Is he having regular intensive therapy?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/03/2022 21:00

Your DS would be accommodated voluntarily under s.20. The LA does not share PR and you can request him home any time. BUT if you request this return and the LA takes the view that he would be at risk of significant harm if he returned, then they can apply to the court for a Care Order. I’ve known that happen. It so much depends on the facts of the individual case.

It’s only if there is an application for a care order that the Court gets involved. All the time it’s voluntary then contact arrangements will be made between you and children’s services.

If children’s services have found a specialist therapeutic foster placement for him then it might be worth considering. But if not, I’d be very concerned that moving to strangers (possibly with other children with additional needs) will do nothing to help his anxiety. I think you need to ask lots of questions about every detail of the proposed placement, contact arrangements and mental health support before you agree to his being accommodated by the LA. There are some high quality therapeutic placements out there. But there are also a lot of foster placements that are just about meeting a short term crisis need. That is not likely to help him much.

What does he want to do?

It it were me and I was sure had tried absolutely everything at home, then I’d probably be giving the aunt a try before foster care. If my DS was willing to try that.

Elsiebear90 · 16/03/2022 21:00

Why can’t he eat? You said it’s because of his brother with ADHD, but why exactly has that stopped him eating? I don’t see how fostering will help because surely as soon as he comes home the problem will start again?

Aubree17 · 16/03/2022 21:00

There's a private counsellor near where I live who is wonderful with anxiety in teens.
Is private counselling an option?

bloodywhitecat · 16/03/2022 21:00

@JiannaTheWitchQueen

But why do they think your son will be able to eat there? If he can't eat at home because of your other son, then why will he be able to eat in Foster care potentially placed with 2/3 other young people and their complex needs.
Because he can be placed as a solo child, many foster carers are approved for just one child/teen.
Febrier · 16/03/2022 21:01

DS 14 wants to come home, but has said he won't eat, so that can't happen. If this doesn't work he says he'll go to my aunt's. He doesn't want to go there because he doesn't think the treatment will work there, as he won't be in the stressful environment and already eats fine there.

What's his priority? Eating (anywhere) or getting treatment (so he can eat at home)?

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 21:01

Sorry I’m sure you’ve tried many things so please don’t take my suggestions as patronising but have you tried things like:

letting him eat his food in his room, or asking if there’s a quiet room he can eat at in school, or having the brother do after school club so he comes home earlier and eats, or if you live close by seeing if he can come home at lunchtime or leave school early to have some food before his brother gets home?

My DD is autistic and won’t eat at school as she has anxiety but she’ll eat at home so it’s not so worrying but not wanting to eat at all must be awful.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 16/03/2022 21:01

Ah. I see he doesn’t really want to go to his aunts.

bellac11 · 16/03/2022 21:04

Im not asking OP to say where, but Id love to know where in the country social services can access enhanced medical and psychological care. Children in care generally dont access any different services to those who are at home with their parents.

OP also needs to be prepared for her son texting/messaging/phoning and accusing her of putting him in care, not caring about him, he hates the foster carer, he hates his SW, he hates school, hes going to stop eating etc etc. That is very common even in children who think they want to come into care

WonderfulYou · 16/03/2022 21:04

Also I know so many amazing foster carers but the teens I work with who are in foster care would give anything to not be in care.

Obviously if your son is asking for it then it’s slightly different but I do believe it does affect them in a negative way, even if their foster home is lovely.

Obviously I guess it’s better there than being seriously ill from not eating though.

Is your aunt in a position to have him for a while or would it be difficult for her?

Barkingmadhouse · 16/03/2022 21:05

As you have a DH can you not split the family in 2, you with one child and DH with the other. Far from ideal but a much better scenario that putting into foster

Fluffycavut · 16/03/2022 21:09

I'm so confused, why does Adhd stop someone else from eating?

TravellingFrom · 16/03/2022 21:10

@Barkingmadhouse

As you have a DH can you not split the family in 2, you with one child and DH with the other. Far from ideal but a much better scenario that putting into foster
This could actually be a solution.