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Original poster

AIBU, how was I racist?

319 replies

tumpymummy · 15/03/2022 22:31

Been out for the evening, walking home with husband up an alleyway towards where we live. This young guy has his phone out, peeriBeenng at it. I say 'are you alright? Do you know where you're going?" He replies, "yes, I definitely know where I'm going." and walks on. I think nothing of it until he gets to the top of the alley and turns round and shouts to me, "hey maam, you know that was really racist", I shout back you had your phone out, I thought you were looking for directions", but I'm not sure if he hears me as he disappears off. I'm now home and feeling shocked, that I should be called racist. How was that racist? 🤔

OP posts:
NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 16/03/2022 09:37

And yet if they don't offer to help me, I could equally be interpreting that as because of my 'invisibility', or because I don't look worthy of their help?

LizBennet · 16/03/2022 09:39

How do you know she's in "this" country, it's the internet! I'm not in "this" country either (which I presume is the UK

Yes, I addressed that.

A shopkeeper is a little different to a random person on the street.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 09:44

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

So every time I am in a shop and a shop assistant asks if they can help me, am I to assume that is a dig that I don't look as if I can afford to be shopping there, or that I am up to 'no good'?
Shop assistants are taught to do that in some stores to make people aware that they have been noticed as then they are less likely to shop lift. I was taught this in the shops I worked in.

There is a difference to just doing this and doing this then following someone around the store.

Shuuu · 16/03/2022 09:44

I’ll take a shot in the dark as I can’t see you’ve answered the question regarding his ethnicity.

Are you from a predominantly white area? You saw a man of colour standing by looking at his phone & approached him to see what he was doing. Only you can answer your own question, would you have approached him if he was the same race as you? If yes, then your fine, if no it was racist

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 09:45

@LizBennet

How do you know she's in "this" country, it's the internet! I'm not in "this" country either (which I presume is the UK

Yes, I addressed that.

A shopkeeper is a little different to a random person on the street.

A shopkeeper, what?
LizBennet · 16/03/2022 09:46

Sorry AryaStarkWolf, the shopkeeper comment was in reference to a different post.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2022 09:49

@LizBennet

Sorry AryaStarkWolf, the shopkeeper comment was in reference to a different post.
Oh, I scrolled through all your posts and all to find the reference! Grin
theDudesmummy · 16/03/2022 09:50

It's an interesting one, and can be seen both ways. We (and she, probably) cannot know what unconscious asumptions OP may have made and whether she would have said exactly the same thing to a person with a different skin tone. But we also don't know what the life experiences of the man with the phone have been, and instead of having the "hey, why do you always have to play the racist card?" reaction, we should really be stopping and wondering about that.

In my work I have to routinely ask people where they were born and where they grew up, in the context of needing to know in detail about their childhood experiences and family history. Years ago, when I got a bristling reaction from some people ("why do you need to know that?" and even a refusal to answer, always from someone born outside the UK and usually from outside of Europe) I would wonder, why are they asuming this is a loaded question? Because I knew I was not being racist in my intention. This however overlooks the fact that it is not my intention only that counts, but the perception, based on previous experiences, of the other person. These days, when I ask that question, I try, if I can, to see if I can have the information about place of birth beforehand, so I don't need to ask it like that but can instead say "I see you grew up in xx, can you tell me a bit about your childhood there" etc, which seems to get a better response.

MNchicken · 16/03/2022 09:51

I’m not sure why you assumed he might need help, but then I wasn’t there. These days so many people are stood still, looking at their phones, that if you assumed they all might need help, you’d be checking non-stop.

If someone was lost I’d hope people would feel free to ask if I knew how to get to wherever they’re trying to find.

CellophaneFlower · 16/03/2022 09:56

I was at school in the London Borough of Havering and Ma'am for the female teachers was the norm.

I have lived in Havering all my life and have never heard a teacher called this. It's always been "Miss".

Thewindwhispers · 16/03/2022 09:57

You weren’t being racist, he was being weird.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 09:58

@Thewindwhispers

You weren’t being racist, he was being weird.
I wonder what skin colour you have.....
Thewindwhispers · 16/03/2022 09:58

Plus a man shouting in the street st a woman he doesn’t know is very aggressive, especially when she just offered help.

He was a jerk OP. But the moral here is don’t talk to strange men because they are weird.

brid90 · 16/03/2022 09:58

@tumpymummy I think you can answer your own question here unless you are just seeking validation.

So ask yourself this: would you have asked the same question to a “white” person? Or would you have assumed all white people were native to your area?

If the answer is no then I encourage you to explore your subtle internalised racism.

RedWingBoots · 16/03/2022 10:06

@Thewindwhispers

Plus a man shouting in the street st a woman he doesn’t know is very aggressive, especially when she just offered help.

He was a jerk OP. But the moral here is don’t talk to strange men because they are weird.

I've shouted at strange women who have acted like that to me.

As I said before I wonder what skin colour you have....

Agrudge · 16/03/2022 10:08

You clearly weren't being, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it

I never have when ever I've been accused of racism .

Calphurnia88 · 16/03/2022 10:09

[quote brid90]@tumpymummy I think you can answer your own question here unless you are just seeking validation.

So ask yourself this: would you have asked the same question to a “white” person? Or would you have assumed all white people were native to your area?

If the answer is no then I encourage you to explore your subtle internalised racism.[/quote]
This.

CellophaneFlower · 16/03/2022 10:10

If I was to see someone who i thought was genuinely lost or needed help I would have made a similar comment. Am I supposed to consider their colour first before doing this? That to me would seem racist.

Reminds me of my friend who works as a TA in a special needs school. She was changing a black child, who started wriggling and she said "oooh you little monkey", as she would have to any child. She got taken aside and given a warning Hmm That to me is more on them than her as it would never have crossed her mind this was inappropriate as she would never make this comparison.

sw1mummy · 16/03/2022 10:10

He did not ask for help.

Imagine how weird it would be if this was your 17yr old daughter and she told you that some middle aged man asked her if she needed help as she was texting her friends. Maybe said daughter gets whistle calls, 'are you alright, love' and leering on a daily.

You would think the unsolicited 'help' weird surely .

LizBennet · 16/03/2022 10:13

I never have when ever I've been accused of racism

How often is it occurring 😳🙄

sw1mummy · 16/03/2022 10:14

So yes, the middle aged man has to consider the difference between himself and the girl and consider how that will come across.

It's the lack of racism leaning in this country, that makes you unaware of the different background experiences. Otherwise, just the middle aged man case, you would have been aware of how inappropriate it comes across.

Xenia · 16/03/2022 10:16

Most of us offer to help someone peering at map or looking lost. After this thread it sounds like if the person looks as if they might not take that kindly it might be better not to offer to help them.

Perhaps we need to fall back on "if in doubt, say now't". You cannot go wrong I suppose if you don't help someone in this situation. Bit like my mother not being keen if there ever were to be an ill person on a plane (there never was) not wanting my father (doctor) to go forward as you can get sued if you get it wrong so it can be risky to help.

Trouble is if all of us never help that is not a good way to be.

Agrudge · 16/03/2022 10:23

@LizBennet

I never have when ever I've been accused of racism

How often is it occurring 😳🙄

I work in security. Sometimes I have to tell people they cant do something, usually its just dumb teenagers ,it easy to pull the race card but they dont get the reaction they want from me., once or twice by an adult, who I've see wondering around corridors that the public shouldnt be down.
CellophaneFlower · 16/03/2022 10:26

@sw1mummy

He did not ask for help.

Imagine how weird it would be if this was your 17yr old daughter and she told you that some middle aged man asked her if she needed help as she was texting her friends. Maybe said daughter gets whistle calls, 'are you alright, love' and leering on a daily.

You would think the unsolicited 'help' weird surely .

I hadn't thought of it like this. I guess being a woman, I've never had to. It's similar at the park, when a little girl has asked my partner to help her onto the rope swing or whatever. He has done, but I feel a little unnerved, although prior to covid I would have done it myself without a second thought.

It's sad we live in a world where innocent comments/acts have to be considered. But I totally get what you mean.

SpeckledlyHen · 16/03/2022 10:29

@Levithian

I presume your question made him feel as if he didn't look like he fit in in your community. People are on their phones all the time- I'd feel it was a bit strange if someone asked me if I knew where I was going just because I was looking at a phone.
This