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Original poster

I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

297 replies

Mumbunmum · 10/03/2022 06:06

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

OP posts:
Pigsears · 10/03/2022 13:24

that sucks

check re financial committments around the wedding etc See if you / your mum can call around and see what the canx options are. I'm guessing the earlier the canx, the lesser financial impact. I would focus on this that you alone are 'on the hook' for first (ie sole credit card)

If you still think it 'might' work out and dont want to cancel now, ask what options are around flexibility. It might feel too emotional and 'early'.

Marvellousmadness · 10/03/2022 13:24

"he promises that he will not leave me in the lurch. I do actually believe him there"

No op. Get a solicitor asap . Things change . And show your kids some of your emotions as they might otherwise just be really angry and upset with you if their dad is leaving and they don't know why ...

thisplaceisweird · 10/03/2022 13:25

@Marvellousmadness

"he promises that he will not leave me in the lurch. I do actually believe him there"

No op. Get a solicitor asap . Things change . And show your kids some of your emotions as they might otherwise just be really angry and upset with you if their dad is leaving and they don't know why ...

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SunshineCake1 · 10/03/2022 13:26

You don't need this moved to relationships. Posters are quite capable of reading a post and giving advice no matter the topic.

Don't worry about her being around your kids. I would be not letting him take them to stop her seeing them.

Don't marry him to get protection. It isn't worth it. I doubt he's loaded.

Pigsears · 10/03/2022 13:26

oh and if you have more assets and own the house. do not marry him.

ChickenStripper · 10/03/2022 13:27

You are in the very early throes and I remember it well - the physical body symptoms and the mental as well. These things are like PTSD when they happen totally out of the blue.

You will experience many feelings and thoughts in the next few weeks - often the initial one of panic is "how can I stop this?" Your mind wants to keep the status quo you knew but that has gone. You will wonder how you will manage - financially and in life on your own. You will feel ashamed and embarrassed even. You have the additional stress of a cancelled wedding. You will even wish you were dead as it would be easier. All of these feelings are valid and will pass. You have the additional burden of it being a good friend. I have been there too. You wonder how they could have done it knowing you and your children. There really are no answers for this that they can give so pointless. Don't occupy your mind with wondering whether they will work out or not. Think about yourself and your children. As others have said make sure that you see to your finances quickly- either split or freeze any joint accounts.Do not believe anything he says about what he will provide or not. This man is not on your team anymore.

I know it is occupying your mind about the OW and your children. Again try to park this for the time being as this may never happen. Keep your energies for the now. Good luck with everything and believe me things will get better but it may be a long time. You are worth more than this. There is a special word I use for a woman like this who are friends of the family but I won't use it. Your current number one priority is detaching from this vile man.

SunshineCake1 · 10/03/2022 13:27

They all promise and say they won't leave you in the lurch or stop money. But they all do. Once they realise the reality of paying all their bills on top of kids money. Or the new woman gets annoyed about the ex getting all his money. Hmm.

LagunaBubbles · 10/03/2022 13:29

It won't feel like it today, or even next week etc but you are better off without him and one day you will feel this. For now its about coping in the short term, so try not to worry about her being around your children. Focus all your energy on making sure you and the kids are legally protected.

Calmdown14 · 10/03/2022 13:32

I know it's easier said than done but try and focus on what you want/need for you and your children. Will you be able to afford to live in your home? If not, where do you need to be and what are your options.
Throwing yourself into the practical and dealing only with the things in your control is best for sanity.
You cannot control what he does with her. Thinking about it is torturing yourself. Don't give them the satisfaction. Cold and disconnected is how you need to be.
There is absolutely no way any kind of meeting with your children needs to take place. But you don't need to frame it about her as it will lead to confrontation. Just repeat 'the children need to understand that you'll not be here all the time, they need to process that for at least six months before we have further conversations about future partners'.
Hey, there's every chance it will all be over by then.

You will be okay. It doesn't feel it now but you will and you will show your children what a strong woman is

LondonWolf · 10/03/2022 13:37

and he promises that he will not leave me in the lurch. I do actually believe him there. He said the account will stay joint and we will work through each step.

Just as he justified cheating on you by saying you have nothing in common 🙄 so he will justify screwing you over financially and practically because he will convince himself that the break up was at least half - probably mostly - your fault so why should he suffer for a relationship that was dead and meaningless anyway? You cannot trust him. Please be aware of that in all your future plans.

Levithian · 10/03/2022 13:44

A very very similar thing happened to me OP. It's fucking horrible. The fact that you'd naturally turn to your friend for support, but can't because she was the OW...
I forgave him (!!) and the relationship went on for a few months. I can honestly say that it was those few months of trying that have done most psychological damage to me, more than the actual affair. I'm an intelligent, independent woman who somehow got drawn into thinking that I could fix this. But I couldn't fix it, because I was never the problem. Was I perfect? No. But I promise, I promise, that whoever you are, you're worth more than the constant anxiety of someone who will cheat on you with one of your friends. That will never ever go away.
I did become quite obsessed with my friend, how she was different to me, all the times they'd lied, what they did in bed etc etc.
In the end I made the conscious decision to emotionally sever myself from him. I decided not to love him. It sounds weird, but I had to stop, it was killing me. A few months later, I finally dumped him. I've come to the point now where I don't think of him that often at all (and when I do, I wonder why the hell did I allow someone so blah to be the centre of my world.) I must admit that I am still smarting from her betrayal- She was my mate, I loved her, and she never apologised, her life is unaffected.

Jjjayfee · 10/03/2022 13:44

Oh you have my sympathy. This is in some ways worse than a sudden bereavement. Why are people so cruel. I wish you the strength to get through this.

MrsBerthaRochester · 10/03/2022 13:48

I can beat that op. I found out my xh had cheated when it was featured in a national newspaper. He had a threesome with two prostitutes and was charged with assaulting one of them.
This is shit and terrible for you but I promise you something...it will pass. you will get through it.

TheHopefulEgg · 10/03/2022 13:49

As a PP said don’t do the ‘pick me dance’ OP. Hell no. This is fuckery of the highest order and I’d also suggest that you absolutely have a say over whether she sees your kids or not, certainly in the short term while you’re rebuilding your life. Your trust in two people that you believed had your back had been betrayed in the most vile of ways. Sending lots of love and try not to think too far down the line. Focus on the here and now and get a lawyer 💛

bozzabollix · 10/03/2022 13:52

I’ve been the onlooker with something like this, sadly related to the person who fucked over my best mate (who was also her friend too).

Whatever happens it won’t be plain sailing for them, so please don’t torture yourself about them having it all. In my experience mutual friends are utterly horrified by something like this, so you’ll get a vast amount of support and they will have to start over. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a brand new relationship. They will have to be each other’s everything, that’s a tall order to live up to.

It won’t be worth it. Why do people do this? It’s so selfish and egotistical to believe your own momentary desires trump their kids wish for a settled life.

You deserve better than the both of them, and one day you’ll realise it, just not now.

oakleaffy · 10/03/2022 13:54

@Mumbunmum
I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your Children.
It happened to me, too, ( With colleague not best friend)
She was significantly older and had 2 children
They got married, but divorced 2 yrs. later.

Expect to feel a rollercoaster of emotions, including numbness.
Its grim.
So sorry.

ivykaty44 · 10/03/2022 13:54

I do actually believe him there

he probably means it now this second - but in a couple of weeks that will change

Please don't believe or trust this person, look after yourself and play your cards close to your chest

DiamondBright · 10/03/2022 14:03

Don't believe a word he says, he's just been caught and is feeling guilty and on the back foot, he'll promise all sorts about the house and money now and then it'll all change once the reality of the situation hits him, then again when she starts making demands and then again when he sees a solicitor.

Take possession of the house, get him to handover his keys ASAP, he might do it now before he sees a solicitor.

They'd both planned to leave their marriages and then in a few months magically find comfort from each other and then a brand new romance, scum.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2022 14:07

This is going to be hard to understand so just trust me, you need to stop thinking about why he cheated, what 'their' future is, and what her family is thinking. Just stop. What does it matter in the end? If you had all the answers that wouldn't change the situation you're in right now nor would it make it any less painful. You'll have time for contemplation once the dust has settled and your emotions cool. And they will cool if you get on with what you need to be doing.

And what you need to be doing is seeing a solicitor. And I mean NOW! You say you 'trust' him not to double-deal you. Why would you do that? You also trusted him to be faithful to you and look how that worked out. No, you need to strike whilst the iron (his guilt) is still hot and nail down legally the things you need to provide for yourself and your children. Especially with regards to the house and child maintenance. As his guilt 'cools' he will harden himself and start looking at what is best for him, not for you or his children. He's already proven that he believes he is entitled to put himself first, hasn't he? And don't think for a moment that she won't be whispering in his ear about what he 'deserves' and the pittance you will need to raise the children on. After all, if they're going to 'make a go of it' she has a vested interest in him keeping the most he can.

So dry your eyes, at least in the daytime. Get the financial papers (yours, his, joint) together and make that solicitor appointment. Take your mum with you as your 'second pair of ears'. You don't have to file for a divorce that same day. But you do need to get yourself educated as to what you can expect if and when you do. Or when he does.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 10/03/2022 14:08

With her having so many kids of her own, I think that's a good thing for you, because she will be less likely to want to make your children into her hobby.

I'll bet the 'specialness' of them was it being not about kids and routine, like a holiday from real life and responsibility, so having five between them whilst they are together, rather than snatched free time together will bring them crashing down to earth. She will never have a bond with your kids like you do, they will never have her to themselves without three other kids there, they will visit to see their Dad and she and her circus will be an extra.

reesewithoutaspoon · 10/03/2022 14:10

Please please protect yourself and your children financially. They all say I will be fair and I won't leave you suffering financially, but it's just guilt talking. It's to make him feel better because he knows he's the bad guy in this. This will soon change once the reality of paying hits him.
Disentangle your finances. Do not put any more money in a joint account he has access to. Open a new account for yourself.
My ex said the same thing, the same man then went and took loans out and fucked off to America and because divorce proceedings hadn't started they came after me as join and severely liable as we were still legally married and I was easy to find.

I know you are hurting and shell-shocked and I think this form of betrayal is the absolute worst because it also cuts you off from your support network, but please, please get angry and protect yourself and your children.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 10/03/2022 14:10

@AcrossthePond55

This is going to be hard to understand so just trust me, you need to stop thinking about why he cheated, what 'their' future is, and what her family is thinking. Just stop. What does it matter in the end? If you had all the answers that wouldn't change the situation you're in right now nor would it make it any less painful. You'll have time for contemplation once the dust has settled and your emotions cool. And they will cool if you get on with what you need to be doing.

And what you need to be doing is seeing a solicitor. And I mean NOW! You say you 'trust' him not to double-deal you. Why would you do that? You also trusted him to be faithful to you and look how that worked out. No, you need to strike whilst the iron (his guilt) is still hot and nail down legally the things you need to provide for yourself and your children. Especially with regards to the house and child maintenance. As his guilt 'cools' he will harden himself and start looking at what is best for him, not for you or his children. He's already proven that he believes he is entitled to put himself first, hasn't he? And don't think for a moment that she won't be whispering in his ear about what he 'deserves' and the pittance you will need to raise the children on. After all, if they're going to 'make a go of it' she has a vested interest in him keeping the most he can.

So dry your eyes, at least in the daytime. Get the financial papers (yours, his, joint) together and make that solicitor appointment. Take your mum with you as your 'second pair of ears'. You don't have to file for a divorce that same day. But you do need to get yourself educated as to what you can expect if and when you do. Or when he does.

I don't think they got married, they were due to.
StringFellow · 10/03/2022 14:12

I’m so sorry OP

user1471538283 · 10/03/2022 14:18

I feel sick for you.

Do not believe a word he says. He is not your friend. He is trying to minimise things but soon he will not want to pay for things because the OW will want the money for her DC or holidays or something.

You need legal advice.

I doubt their cost little love nest will work out long term. But you have to financially protect yourself.

Beamur · 10/03/2022 14:18

Big hugs OP
From this point on put yourself and your kids first. Don't waste your energy and oxygen on these two.
Better to know now. He's not the man you thought he was and she's no friend.
Get legal advice and don't believe or trust your ex at all.
Be calm and focused. You will get through this..