I’ve been cheated on, but it’s so much worse.

[Mumbunmum]

I’ve just found out that I’ve been cheated on by my Partner of 12 years.

We have 2 children together, a 7 year old Daughter and a 4 year old Son. We have a house together, everything together and we were due to get married in just under 11 weeks.

What’s worse is that it was with one of my best Friends and he’s been texting her, meeting her for over 6 weeks. Today is day 2 of all of this and I am crushed to pieces, I don’t know how I will ever cope. All I do know is that my heart hasn’t stopped thumping out of my chest for 2 days and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Please please help me, I honestly don’t know where to even begin and I’m trying so hard to stay strong for our two children who are just number one in all of this.

I’m so lost, hurt and I’ve been betrayed so bad that I can’t even get my head around it.

OP I'm going to give you the advice I wish I had received in your situation:

Get yourself to the GP today if possible, if you need something to help you sleep for the next short while or for anxiety or whatever, just get it.
Book an STD test.
See a solicitor ASAP, his guilt won't last and he will turn, they always do.
Check if you are entitled to any benefits.
Let family rally around you, don't be shy in asking for help.
Don't believe anything he tells you, liars lie and he's a confirmed liar.
Don't deal with his family, that's his job now. They will be on his team no matter how well you got on previously, it's up to him to manage any relationship your DC have with his side.
From now on your focus is you and the DC, doesn't matter what he says, feels or does, your priority is you.
I'm so sorry he has done this, take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep and good food, let family or friends take care of you for a bit. You'll get through this.

Make sure he doesn't empty your joint accounts.

I am sorry.

You need to be very, very careful re finances. Everything you have written in your OP is absolutely 100% typical of this type of situation. Cheaters initially say some shit like they are not in love with you anymore and they promise they won't screw you/kids over financially. He will screw you over, he doesn't even know it himself yet because he is wrapped up in his stupid, selfish, arrogant affair rubbish. He is believable because he actually believes his own rubbish. You need to ensure that you do not believe it and that you take steps to protect yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It was completely out of the blue for you and the fact he tried to hide it until you confronted him is awful.
As pp have said you now need to seek legal advice. Get a solicitor and speak to them regarding your joint account and your mortgage. Ideally you should do this quite quickly. I know he said he won’t leave you in the lurch and I kind of expect him not to want to do anything that risks his children but you need to speak to a solicitor and the bank to make sure your funds are secure until they divide assets.
It’s awful that your friend has done this but I’d leave them to their mess. They’ve both hurt their families and that will pay a heavy toll on any future relationship they choose to have.
You don’t need her to be around your children. Speak to your solicitor and when you’re ready you can sort out access and work out who will do what for your children. She doesn’t need to be part of the picture right now and does not need to be there when he sees the children.
However right now the focus is on you and your children.
Speak to a solicitor, speak to your family and go to a gp to get some support.
I know it’s tough and heart breaking but try your hardest not to think of them in a potential relationship because that won’t help you right now

What a d$ck!! Do not let him back into the house.

Do you jointly own it? I would be worried about him clearing out the joint bank account too. Especially when he is going to be renting

I am so sorry OP. I think this is surprisingly not that uncommon.
Happened to a friend of mine and she was just broken.

Fast forward three years and she's married to a lovely millionaire living a life she couldn't imagine before.
Ex on the other hand is shacked up with the OW in a grotty flat.
Karma will catch up to them and good things always will happen to the better person.
I wish you and your children a brighter future and sending you strength to get through the coming months.

Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do about her being near your children.

As their father he is entitled to see them, and it would presumably be in their best interests to continue a relationship with him. Aside from potential abuse, you do not get a say in who meets them whilst they are in his care.

I know that must burn, I really do, but for your own self preservation you have to let it go.

You need to stop thinking about him/them and concentrate on yourself and the DC and your new life. You cannot really want to love the rest of your life with someone who doesn't love you any more and loves another woman. Plus he's a filthy cheating scumbag.

I would try to keep him feeling as bad as possible so you can get the best financial/housing outcome for your children. Have you taken any legal/financial advice?

Make sure you block them both (and any associated family accounts) from your social media so you don't self harm by looking at how happy and loved up they look. They are both cheats - in a way they deserve each other.

You need to use your energy in positive ways - I hope it all works out for you

You need some legal advice about the house/money-i wouldnt keep everything joint but as i said a solicitor would be more helpful in that area

Unfortunately you cant stop him seeing his dc whoever hes with (unless theres safeguarding issues)- court dont care abut those things so dont go down that road of parental alienation it will go against you

@Dontbeme

OP I'm going to give you the advice I wish I had received in your situation:

Get yourself to the GP today if possible, if you need something to help you sleep for the next short while or for anxiety or whatever, just get it.
Book an STD test.
See a solicitor ASAP, his guilt won't last and he will turn, they always do.
Check if you are entitled to any benefits.
Let family rally around you, don't be shy in asking for help.
Don't believe anything he tells you, liars lie and he's a confirmed liar.
Don't deal with his family, that's his job now. They will be on his team no matter how well you got on previously, it's up to him to manage any relationship your DC have with his side.
From now on your focus is you and the DC, doesn't matter what he says, feels or does, your priority is you.
I'm so sorry he has done this, take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep and good food, let family or friends take care of you for a bit. You'll get through this.

This - plus take one step at a time. Dont think about the relationship between her and the children now . For now you can make him see them alone . Dont think too far ahead .

God this sounds really difficult. What I would say is that every inch of compassion that you give him is an inch less of your self esteem. Soon you will be listening to him say where it went wrong and blaming yourself for not being more attentive to his needs. Sorry but he has broken the code of relationships and the only code is that it is over between you and that means protecting yourself financially. Do not do anything that makes you vulnerable. That includes having a joint account.

Lawyer up. You cannot do this quickly enough. Apply to CSA and for any benefits you’re entitled to. Do not let the dust settle - you have to hit him while he’s still feeling guilty. Unfortunately, the children are as much his as yours. He is entitled to spend time with them and you cannot police what their do while they are with him. If he chooses for them to spend time with her there’s not a lot you can do about it. But pull the plaster off - he’ll have a lot less swagger when he realises the illicit thrill has gone and all he has left is a tarnished reputation and lighter pockets.

So sorry to hear this op, can't even begin to imagine what your going through.
Please protect yourself and your children, he is a liar, as a pp said he might not even know he is going to screw you over yet, but he will when the reality of the situation hits him and possibly her and they realize they need as much money as possible.

She has 3 children under 4 and is married by the way, to one of HIS best friends, I don’t know if I said that. I’m petrified for my Children’s future with her possibly in it
I suspect the shine will wear off when your husband is 'shacked up' with a single mother of three under 4's. He will be back with his tail between his legs before too long. Dont take him back. It's the worst betrayal, by them both.

He really has been thinking with his dick, hasn't he? If she has 3 children under 4, it's very likely they will live with her. If he lives with her, he'll live with them instead of his own children. What an idiot he is. Cruel, selfish and stupid - a really bad combination.

A lot of men think they can just leave everything behind and swan off to a lovely life with the OW.

Make reality bite. Inform him he will be having his children half the time, including school holidays. You will be seeing a solicitor , and no, a joint account does not work for you.

Things may be amicable at the moment whilst HE works out what HE wants to do. He is not the only one who gets to make decisions. Protect your assets.

I'm so sorry, what a pair of poisonous snakes they are. They deserve each other.

This. So sorry OP.

I'm sorry to hear this.

You can and will get though this. Take it slow ...hour by hour, day by day.

There's no going back though. The damage has been done.

So much for sister solidarity eh?!?!

It won't last and you will triumph.

Take care of yourself. x

OP, when you face it, do a little research on 'occupation order' regarding the house and the children.

I've been through a similar upheaval and I'm so sorry that you are too

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Your world has been turned upside-down, and he's wittering on about the "connection" he has with your ex-friend?

For the next few days:
Remember, you don't have to make any major decisions yet.

Focus on the basic practicalities of care for you and your children: fed, clean, warm, physically comfortable. That's all you need to think about right now.

Get support IRL. Your mum sounds ace.

For your fears
None of us know what's going to happen in the future. If you catch yourself torturing yourself with thoughts about her being in your DCs' lives, or imagining what life will be like, try to stop that thought. Recognise that it is just a thought, not a vision, not a prediction. It's just a thought - you are not obliged to think it. It's just a thought - it cannot change anything outside of you, it has no power to prepare you or protect you or influence other people.

I do hope you find a way through.

Im so sorry you are going through this, it is so much worse as its your friend. However I am going to be brutally honest, so apologies if I am brusque.

Dont to the pick me dance, its over, you will not come back from this and he doesnt want you.
Cry, scream, shout with your mum, friends and family, be calm and dignified to him.
Be factual and tell him exactly how the new life is going to look, do not let him see you in any other light than the kick ass woman you are.
Only agree to what you think you can deal with.
And the hardest, dont take it out on the children by not letting him have a relationship, you really need to have the best poker face you can muster when talking to the children about him. This is definitely in their long term interests.

Basically, fake it till you make it, and I promise you that this pain will end and you will look back and it wont be so bad. I also promise that your life and your childrens life will not end because of this disgusting prick. You will be better off.

OP you have had great advice on this thread. Please don't let him call the shots. Get yourself your own bank account and close the joint account. Apart from the DC don't have anything that connects you with him.

With what he said the other night it sounds like hes trying to keep you on the side. Close all contact with him. Buy yourself a cheap mobile phone and give him that number only to be used for him to contact you about the kids.

Sorry to read you are going through this. Take one day at a time and please do get plenty of rest.

What is the financial situation? Do you jointly own the house? As you aren’t married please make sure you are taking whatever steps to protect yourself. If he can’t be trusted not to screw your best friend he absolutely can’t be trusted to be fair financially.

So sorry. This is dreadful. The only positive to come from this is that you’ve dodged a bullet. You could have found out after the wedding. 💐