To older mumsnetters what lessons have you learned in life ?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

I’m
Thinking do you wish you worked harder ?
Less hard ?
Worried less ? Worried more ?
What where your wrong moves and right moves ?
What do you wish you knew when you were younger ?

I'm 50 this year

What I wish I'd known when I was younger :

That being single is a perfectly valid choice

That I was actually attractive

To not be afraid to admit to a hcp that I suspected I had ocd and then got it treated MUCH earlier

It's ok if not everyone likes you - if you were everyone's cuppa you'd be a mug is true - and it's ok not to like everyone too

General wisdom :

That people don't think of you as much as you fear

Learn the power of no - if you can, get some assertiveness training personally I think it should be part of the curriculum! It would solve SO many problems

If you possibly can travel! And if you POSSIBLY can live in another country for at least 3 years

Never say anything about anyone publicly/to someone else that you wouldn't be perfectly happy/confident to have the person confront you about. That doesn't mean never say anything bad about anyone but be sure that you're ok to admit to it!

Always manage your own budget and know what your income and outgoings are

Vote - and do so consciously. Research the manifestos and voting records, ask candidates questions - this includes looking at "the oppositions" views and manifestos

Don't get fat - you'll feel rubbish, and carrying extra weight around is tiring.

Absolutely I WISH I had tackled my weight gain at a much earlier stage

Don’t send emails when you’re angry!

Not everything must or can be sorted immediately- learn to sit in the feelings and take considered action

Failing to plan means you end up wherever the dates take you

Your partner should be loyal, kind, fun, loving and trustworthy. Shared values are very important

Having great sex doesn’t always make you the perfect match.

You can be in love or attracted but not be compatible

There will always be some doubts and what’s ifs; try to me kind to yourself about them.

Carbs are addictive

Try to be always be patient and kind, you never know what that might mean to another person.

Don't make major decisions without thinking eg handing in your notice (that'll show them) no, that just means you have no job and no reference for another.
Always sleep on things then act the next day (or most probably don't)

Great thread, thanks for starting it.

Be independent
Dont be a people pleaser.
Just because you love somebody doesn't mean they love you.
Trust your instincts.
Your family might not be as close as you think when push comes to shove.
Speak your true feelings.
Dont be used.
Savour the moments of true joy..they are few.

This is such a great thread! I’m only mid 30’s but stuff I would say so far are : stop worrying about things that might happen, I wish I could have all the hours back I spent worrying about scenarios that never came true. Stop worrying about what other people think of you - I take all board all the comments around people don’t think about you as much as you think they do.

Love many
Trust few
and always paddle your own canoe.

My late mother advised her three girls including me to live by that and we did.

Don't do anything you don't want to on a social level for instance. It is ok not to like loud music, messy bars, hell even weddings or travelling for hours to meet someone!

Be financially secure. That doesn't mean being rich just having the security to know you can do as you please, leave a relationship, travel etc. without being reliant on someone else.

There is no rule that says to be happy you need a partner and kids. Some are just not made that way. Conform to your own rules, you will be far more content than following the crowd.

Friends are important, but not essential. Many are fly by nights and will drop you in an instant, many are envious bitches, many are lovely. They are not your family though, and have other priorities most of the time.

Life is often difficult to navigate, but as long as you have people who love you and you can rely on, you will be ok. Reciprocate that also.

That no can be a complete sentence.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

You can say no when it suits you. Don't be a doormat.

This, this, this!! Spent my life putting other people's needs before my own then more time trying to get out of commitments l didn't want in the first place. And honestly don't rely on other people to complete you or make you happy. Be as self sufficient as you can be with everything especially money.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

You can say no when it suits you. Don't be a doormat.

Agreed. Being a people pleaser gets you nowhere.

I find the number of posts on here from would be bridesmaids, MOHs, potential wedding guests, invitees to baby showers and hen dos really depressing. These events wouldn't get so out of hand if people stopped enabling them, and just put their foot down and refused to engage with some of the "zilla" behaviour.

Be kind. You don't know why that person has a face like a slapped arse, there's a myriad of reasons why people aren't smiling.

Be supportive, but not to the detriment of your own life. You need to put yourself and your family first.

Do not be a pushover, just say no firmly. (It took me years to do this tbh, and I still get a twinge of guilt when I do)

Really late in life I learnt a brilliant phrase from Mumsnet. "Sorry. That doesn't work for me." So wish I'd learned that earlier 😬

@Justmuddlingalong

In life you have a finite number of fucks to give. As you get older, you run out. Running out of fucks to give is very liberating.

Oh yes... I completely agree with you!

Marry someone who is kind and will be a good dad.

@Ionlydomassiveones

Stop worrying about what other people think of you. They rarely do.

Don’t be dick about petty things. Be the bigger person - even if it’s to walk away.

Listen to other people views but ALWAYS be your own counsel.

Be tight on discipline when they’re little but let your kids be themselves. Not mini versions of you. Support their dreams. Laugh with them and learn from them. Keep the stern judgey parenting to a minimum when they’re teenagers. If you did it right when they’re little - they already know what’s right.

Big up other women.

This is all good advice.

@Dillydollydingdong

Think very, VERY carefully about who you choose as your life partner. Will he be a good dad? Are his genes good enough to be passed on? Get the best education you can. You don't want to be stuck in some dead end, low paying job with no way out.

yes but think about your own genes too. Whoever you choose is only going to be half of your children....and what if the children don't come? Will those good genes be enough to keep you bothe togetehr and happy?

Remember, it's not compulsory to have children and you may well be far better off without them.

Stuff.
Honestly, you really don't need it.
That vase of curly twigs, that handbag in that lovely teal colour, all those shoes, the lovely pashminas, that expensive dog bowl with Fido's name on it, that eye-wateringly expensive Lazy Susan for those meals that you never cook ( guilty) , that expensive kitchen gadget that doesn't deliver... I could go on.

You don't need it. You won't be able to take it when you go and when you get a health scare, you'll understand.

Follow your gut and never give up your dreams.
Get financially savvy and always protect your financial independence. Don't waste much of your hard earned money, invest a good chunk.
Don't focus on your career so much that you forget to have a life.
Don't plan everything for later do the good stuff like holidays as soon as you can.
No debts apart from mortgage and go for the biggest house in the best location you can afford as long as you are under 40.
Put something away so you can at least go part time in your 50's. I was always career minded but lost a lot of interest after 50.
Look after your teeth, skin and body.

Most stuff matters less than you think, very little will still matter in 6 weeks never mind six months or years.
Try to save and live below your means don't borrow money for anything other than a house education and maybe a car if necessary, start a pension ASAP. Don't waste money especially don't spend money you don't have on things you don't need to try and impress people you don't like. Live frugally where you can so you have more money for the things that really matter to you.
You can't be happy every day sadness bereavement heartache illness will affect us all, there is a lot to be said for contentment.
Don't do or buy things for a fantasy self be true to yourself, for example if you don't like music festivals don't go just because others say it will be great. Don't keep things you never use just because they cost a lot of money or because it was a gift or because it was a favourite hobby but now you don't do it anymore, sell it donate it etc, you may be able to earn more money but you can't get more time on earth time and health are precious

never trust anyone.

These events wouldn't get so out of hand if people stopped enabling them

Totally agree!

I used to work in the wedding industry left it just as sm was taking hold it's got absolutely insane!

When I married you had a stag/hen thing on ONE NIGHT the weekend before the wedding and it was a local affordable manageable thing for participants who maybe had dc or older people to care tor and not stupidly expensive

It's got WAY out of hand and needs reeling back in!

Madness to spend hundreds and go overseas for like a week or more for a bloody hen/stag do!

Destination weddings used to be for those couples who wanted very small weddings with a few very close family members now people that barely know the couple are expected to spend a fortune and travel hours away by plane to attend

It's crazy!

@Snippysocks I first came across that and similar phrases in assertiveness training - except not inc the sorry! Women apologise FAR too much

Be tight on discipline when they’re little but let your kids be themselves

This is what I did with dd. Clear simple boundaries from the start

She used to moan I was too strict

When she reached mid teens she had more freedom/independence than her peers who's parents hadn't done this who were trying too late to rein in wild teenage dc

She made a new friend around this time a new girl to her class, this lass commented to dd once that "your mum never says no! You get to do so much" to which dd and her friends that had known her and I longer quickly replied

"Ooh no! Graph is strict"

Dd went on to explain

"I just already know by now whist things mum will say no to so there's no point asking I know what her expectations and limits are. I get more freedom and independence because she can trust me to stay within those limits"

As this girl got to know me she understood

BUT it was also because I had raised dd to be capable and independent. She did her share of chores from a young age in an age appropriate way, I taught her how to use public transport (partly as we'd no car like her friends families but she was taught to plan journeys, work out the cheapest fare etc) how to manage money, personal safety tips etc

Some of her friends by age 18 still weren't allowed to use a kettle in case they burned themselves! One still wasn't allowed to use sharp knives!

Not mini versions of you

Dd is my opposite! I have severe ocd she is a total slob when allowed who spent most of her childhood looking like stig of the dump! She hates being cooped up I have agoraphobia. She hates socialising and technology I love my friends dearly and love (when health permits) spending time with them, my phone is rarely out of my hand and I'd be lost without my tablet! My mind wanders off on tangent she is laser focused. I err towards English and languages academically she likes more factual definite subjects...

I've no idea how she is my child! But she also isn't anything like ex!

Oh - except when she's bitingly sarcastic - that's all me

She's at uni and keeps saying she needs a wee card for her flatmates like sheldon labelled "sarcasm" cos it took em a while to get her sense of humour

I do believe in trusting your gut too. I ignored this when younger and came unstuck a few times as a result. Now I listen to it!

there is a lot to be said for contentment.

Absolutely

Peaceful contentment is the best

I think I definitely give less fucks when people are shitty at work. I wish I had done that when younger.

If you want to know things about your family’s past, ask your parents while you can, otherwise you will wonder after they have past away. Oh, the things l wished l had asked my mum and dad.

You only regret what you didn’t do.
Make the most of your youth, it’s true what people say time really does seem to speed up the older you get.
Look after your teeth! Get flossing- no excuses.
Wear sunscreen. You spend your youth chasing a tan and your older years trying to undo the damage.
Pick a good partner. Don’t settle for anything less than being treated with respect.