To older mumsnetters what lessons have you learned in life ?

[LovelyYellowLabrador]

I’m
Thinking do you wish you worked harder ?
Less hard ?
Worried less ? Worried more ?
What where your wrong moves and right moves ?
What do you wish you knew when you were younger ?

@Hbh17 yes, I read a quote recently about being responsible for making other people happy and it really resonated with me, I can’t quite remember the exact wording but the gist of it was..
Don’t measure your own worth on how happy you have made others

This is going to be depressing but…

People die. People you love die.

You think you know what death is, then you experience it as an adult and it rocks everything.

When people die they are gone.

I know that sounds obvious but for many, including me, I didn’t really get it until I experienced it.

So, the people you love. Tell them, spend time with them, forgive them their irritating quirks (old people especially parents have lots of these!), indulge them a little, bite your lip and let the small shit go.

I’m not proposing you allow toxic relationships. That is different.

But the ones you love, make sure you make time for them. Life is short, when they are gone they are gone. So spread a little extra love and forgiveness whilst you’re still together

Remember to have fun and enjoy it all.

I heard a good one on radio 2 today, something along the lines of

"If you swap your morning coffee for green tea, you'll lose 87% of the enjoyment you've still got these days"

Made me smile

Don't rely on other people to do things for you. I mean, things like cooking, basic DIY, paying bills, etc. Always earn your own money, even if it's only £100 a month from min wage job, at least you've got something that's yours. Keep your hand in at work, I know a couple of women who stopped working completely and never went back and oh dear, their world became quite small and it shows.

Be nice, be considerate but always stand your ground.

Look after your teeth and feet.

Previous post about people dying is so so true.

I was going to post about grief. It never ever goes away, you just learn to live with a huge missing piece. Suddenly all the time we spent together didn't feel like enough and I definitely didn't tell them I loved them enough. You naively think they'll always be there and suddenly they are gone. Logically we think we understand death but we don't. Not sure there's much advice there though.

Oh and parenting guilt never goes away, it just moves onto something else. So practice self compassion and don't sweat the small stuff.

Cultivate a work/life balance. You don't want "she worked really hard" to be the only thing people will say about you when you die.

Especially when you are young, don't close any doors until you are absolutely sure about where you are going. As an example,don't drop taking maths because it's hard. Persistence pays off, and you just might need that math course for your dream job.

As far as you can, try and be on good terms with people, even if they are not your type. Making enemies or putting people down just might create barriers for you in the future. I don't mean you have to love everyone, just stay on good terms.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Try hard to grow your confidence in yourself. You can achieve much more than you think.

Get good at public speaking. It can really move your career and reputation forward.

Don't compromise your morals and ethical standards. Ever. Nothing good will come of that.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Try not to create rifts and to be patient and tolerant. I was saddened by a recent thread about words describing mothers. So many were negative. No one is perfect. Not even you. Find a way back from disagreements and hurtful words.

Never go to sleep on your anger.

It sounds frivolous but: have fun! I know too many people who go at life as though it's supposed to be a gruelling obstacle course. Work out what gives you the most pleasure and do it all as often as you can.

Find pleasure in the everyday small stuff. this really is the key to enjoying life.

With parenting - a friend once said there are two types of parent - those who try to prepare the road for the child and those who prepare the child for the road. Be the second kind.

And look after your health. Prioritise it.

These things vary day to day but right now I think I've learned:
This moment, now. It's all there is, so past and future don't really matter.
One in the bank. One moment of happiness is enough. Once you've experienced it, it can't be taken away. It's 'one in the bank'.
Loving yourself is the most important habit to develop. Love yourself so much that love from others is incidental - great if it happens but not actually necessary.
Give no fucks. Trust your own judgment and forge ahead.
Don't make promises or take on responsibilities - live free.

Use sunscreen every day.
Look after your teeth.
Don’t start smoking.
Set the bar high.

Believe in your own self worth and dont put up with being treated badly (wish I'd learnt that sooner).

Of all the qualities you might want in a partner, kindness is the one that really matters.

Work isn't the be all and end all.

Friendships are precious.

Don't be sorry if a friendship isn't working for you anymore or if you're just not into it. Like dating, there needs to be chemistry and if it's not fulfilling then don't waste time feeling bad about that. Most people can count on 1 hand their truly best most reliable friends, quality over quantity

Sex on the first date can be a good thing.

Keep an independent income.
Look after that pension.
And your teeth.
Read books.
Keep talking to your children. And your parents.

Don’t burn bridges, build them
Admit when you are wrong
You never know what is round the corner, however well you plan - chronic illness, serious road accidents, redundancy.
Don’t over stretch yourself on your housing costs
Save!!!!!! Even if it’s only £10/month
Overpay your mortgage if you have one, if you can.
Marriage/long term relationships is a partnership, as is parenting. Don’t put up with any inequality.
Look for the solution not the problem

Cheerfulness is a good quality to look for in a potential partner, it's really important, as well as kindness and optimism.

Having a relationship with a moody, complicated person is rarely fun.

☕

Don't give head space to what other people think
Don't stress about the future
Roll with the punches in life

Take a few risks. It makes life more interesting and you might reap some great rewards. Financial and fun.

Stop caring what other people think. Most people don't care what you're doing. You're not as important as you think you are to other people.

Keeping active is a good idea.

Get rid of friends who make no effort in the friendship. It's a 2 way thing.

Learn to cook - not Cordon Bleu, but meals to feed yourself and your loved ones well.
Learn to budget

And without wanting to sound cheesy

Mid 60s here.
Always bear in mind.... you come into this world on your own, and you will leave it on your own.
So be independent. Don't rely on anyone. Learn how to basic DIY, sort stuff, be enquiring and never stop learning. Just remember you might be on your own one day having to do all this stuff, so don't be reliant on others.

When or if you have DCs, just remember they are lent to you for a very short time. They're not yours, they are just passing through and will become that independent adult if you prepare the way for them.

Fitness, eyes and teeth are very very important. Spend money on them.

What a brilliant thread

You do you....

You cannot change other people. If the other person is not who you want them to be now, they never will be, there will be angst...

They will not change, you will compromise or withdraw. Decide which early on.

Learn to recognise shitty behaviour and don't put up with it - from lovers or friends. If someone is mean, unkind or abusive walk away. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much they say they love you.

If they blame you, walk away.

If they try to make you feel responsible for their actions, walk away.

Learn from your experiences. Knowing what you don't want in a relationship is as important as knowing what you do want. Then make sure you don't compromise on your core wants and needs.

Love is not always the answer. You can love someone very much and still make the decision not to be with them because they're not good for you or it's just too toxic.

Know yourself. Learn what makes you tick, your drivers, your triggers, what gives you joy. Carry that with you.