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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/03/2022 07:40

Honestly don’t worry about it.

She just lacks the imagination to see their are different ways of living life. It’s an increasingly rare view. More of us are single than ever, and the population is getting older, so it will become more normal, not less.

If she upset you could harmlessly entertain yourself casually dropping the fun things you are doing into conversation, and doing a head tilt and sad eyes when she tells you about hers.

suckingonchillidogs · 08/03/2022 07:49

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal - your mum sounds fabulous!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/03/2022 08:01

She is!

WellTidy · 08/03/2022 09:01

@Jennifer2r the move away led to a 20odd year really enjoyable career and a family. Not saying my life is perfect or anything, but it was the best thing ever at the time and I’m so grateful for all the opportunities it brought me.

Original poster

Jennifer2r · 08/03/2022 12:44

@theduchessofmn

Thanks for your honesty, I actually just don't like Christmas much and never have. It passes me by every year, I don't like the disruption and expectations on people and I don't feel magical at all about it.

I usually have a quiet but extravagant lunch with my mum, enjoy my time off work and go for a walk or drink with friends in the evening. I feel intense pity at this time of year from the most random of people, and random invitations to waifs and strays dinners or to volunteer.

OP posts:

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 08/03/2022 15:38

@Jennifer2r

A lot of people are saying "if you were happy I wouldn't pity you" but I think you don't know how happy any colleagues or random acquaintances are, really? I'm very professional at work so maybe some people assume I'm just sad because of my barren womb

I suppose it's more just how people appear. If someone was utterly miserable but came off to me as happy, I still wouldn't feel sorry for them because I'd not be aware there was anything to feel sorry for.

ouch12345 · 08/03/2022 16:37

No definitely not, weird thing to say!

SaggyBlinders · 08/03/2022 18:26

I wouldn't. But some of my colleagues would: the ones who can't imagine doing things on their own and if I'm being brutally honest, seem to have shit boring relationships/lives, and want everyone else to have shit boring relationships/lives too, to make themselves feel better.

Have a relationship and kids seems to be the default path in life for some people; something the everyone should aspire to, and it makes them uncomfortable when other people don't. They can't imagine their life without their relationship (even if it is awful) and kids, so can't understand how other people would be happy.

For example, I don't have kids (yet), and one of my nosey fucker colleagues asked me if I was worried about being lonely when I was older (with an annoying head tilt). Er, no? Having children doesn’t guarantee that you won't be lonely, making an effort with friendships does. I aspire to be a little old lady with lots of friends to go to bingo and on coach trips with . Though saying that, I am also happy in my own company, and have no problems going to the cinema or on holiday by myself, something that the head tilters at work think is tragic and horrifying. I actually feel sorry for them for being so limited.

D0lphine · 08/03/2022 18:28

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I think this is really common. My wonderful mum has been single by choice her entire life. She had a fabulous career, travelled, owned property, loads of friends, loads of adventures generally, and is very happy with her life.

She gets infuriated by the number of women with "horrid little husbands who I wouldn't look at twice now, never mind in my prime" (her words, not mine!) giving her the sympathetic head tilt and assuring her "there's someone out there" for her.

She tends to give a theatrical shudder and loudly state: "dear god, I hope not!"

Your mum sounds like a legend.

TravellingFrom · 08/03/2022 18:37

An amazing dh who is your soul mate, 2 dcs that don’t give you any trouble vs your life, I think a lot if people would chose the dh abd two dcs.
The reality though is different. Your dh might well not be your soul mate, he might be twat Ona regular basis. Your dcs might have some SN, have some health issue etc… or just be well … children.
And then your position might be (very) enviable

NinaDefoe · 08/03/2022 19:51

So funny & so true! 🤣

TimandGinger · 08/03/2022 20:03

In truth I feel sorry for people who don’t have kids because I think they’re missing out. I’d never say so to them though.

Bromse · 08/03/2022 20:27

They probably think we are missing out too, TimandGinger. Some people are really happy being childless, they have good and fulfilled lives, as do some who remain single. We are individuals.

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 20:46

I know, it's so true, the vast majority of women's husbands are so ordinary... how on earth they could imagine you envy them is mind-boggling!

I have dc but they're teenagers now and to be honest, I'm longing for empty nest now. I don't have to worry that my teens will leave and reveal that I have nothing to say to a ''d'' H I settled for 20 years ago!

When my teens leave, I can finally do the house up and enjoy the peace.

I do sense that some married women fear the empty nest stage but all of my single parent friends are looking forward to it.

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 20:49

@TimandGinger

In truth I feel sorry for people who don’t have kids because I think they’re missing out. I’d never say so to them though.

Are your kids quite young. I used to think this, but now i think it was just the predictable path I took and I took it before I'd ever really investigated any other ways of finding fulfilment. I think having children is quite a lazy way to find fulfilment. Not wishing my dc away but I could have done so many things if I'd ''settled'' in to being childfree and not panicked and had dc with an ARSEHOLE (MY fault and I am to blame for that. Was susceptible to the bullshit social pressures we have all felt at one point, unless we do everything perfectly)

suckingonchillidogs · 08/03/2022 20:53

I've just read the 'It's draining living with teenagers' thread and am thanking my lucky stars I don't have any so don't feel sorry for me! Kudus to those that do and are still sane though

konasana · 08/03/2022 20:55

Generally I feel sorry for people if they do not seem happy or content with their life. For some people, that's because they do not have a husband and child, and for some people that's because they do! My childless friends, I do feel sorry for them that they will never understand the joy of having children, but also feel jealous that they can spend an entire weekend resting if they want to

Lurking9to5 · 08/03/2022 20:57

Whoever started that thread is right too!
See, this is why I don't fear an ''empty nest''.

Sounds excellent, an empty nest. I will be spared the retired husband asking me ''7 down, a tool, begins with H'' is.

Oh I jest.....................

Erinyes · 08/03/2022 21:41

@TimandGinger

In truth I feel sorry for people who don’t have kids because I think they’re missing out. I’d never say so to them though.

But you’re also missing out on a childfree life, on the life you would have had if you hadn’t had children. Every decision closes a door on other possibilities. I’m delighted I had DS, but I don’t delude myself that it’s in any way a ‘better’ existence than if I’d made different decisions.

pairsinparis · 09/03/2022 07:54

@Jennifer2r not even a tiny bit- in fact I'd be a bit jealous lol

Original poster

Jennifer2r · 09/03/2022 08:40

@TimandGinger

In truth I feel sorry for people who don’t have kids because I think they’re missing out. I’d never say so to them though.

I'm grateful for at least one person admitting that they feel sorry for me. I guess my colleague is the same but just not as tactful about it.

I absolutely am missing out by not having children. I recognise that and sometimes have a moment of sadness for it, usually when I see a mother and daughter having fun together or spending time with my own mum. It's not enough to make me change my decision to not have any though.

OP posts:

ehb102 · 09/03/2022 09:02

Heck, anyone with a partner and kids is going to secretly want to be you. For short periods of time anyway. Imagine the bliss of being alone!

NinaDefoe · 09/03/2022 09:13

I absolutely am missing out by not having children.

You live a different life. A life spent with close family (your own parents/siblings/nephews and nieces) or friends is not lacking in any way IMO.

ScreamIntoTheWind · 09/03/2022 09:26

I really don’t think that choosing not to be a parent should ever be framed as ‘missing out’. It’s a difference choice that enables a different range of possibilities. That’s all.

I could just as easily frame my life as having ‘missed out’ on everything that was possible as a single person in my 20s and beyond. I had children so I couldn’t do the things my peers could.

There’s just no point though. I had children; that was my choice and my life. Other people chose (and choose) differently. Their lives are no more lacking for that choice than mine.

ForkedIt · 09/03/2022 09:29

I have two kids, husband, big house.

I used to work with a woman who lived alone in a flat in the city we worked in.

I think she thought I was living in domestic bliss and I thought she was living in Sex and the City.

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