If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

[Jennifer2r]

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

I knew from very early years that I didn't want children of my own. The questions (pitying/intrusive/downright rude) seem to stop at about 50, in my experience

You sound very sorted OP, just live your happy life on your terms, as you are.

Yes I'd like a boyfriend but I want a good one who has his shit together and is good in bed and kind to me and other people and if he doesn't exist I'll just carry on as I am.

I had this very conversation with my DD recently.
Everyone should set their bar this high.
Anything less is not worth having.

Depends where your flat is 😁

They’re being very rude! I bet they don’t say that to MEN who are single and happy at 40 grr. You go girl!

I’m not winning and I’m not losing

❤️❤️❤️

I have a long term friend, no partner, no kids, great job, own house, etc, etc.
I have a kid, dh, a house.
I envy her. She goes on holiday every year, all over the world. No one to care for, all the choice is up to her.

No, not at all. In another life I’d probably be more like you. I love my DH and DC but they’re pains in the arse. I love my own company and peace and quiet.

Your life sounds great. As long as you're happy tell people to bugger off.

No, wouldn't even occur to me to judge you at all.

I would say though, I have probably said "if my husband died I wouldn't bother dating" - that is not any judgement on anybody else though, just that I'd be quite happy on my own thank you very much, and I don't like many people so wouldn't anticipate finding anyone else I could put up with!

Some people just can't get their heads round the idea that we all have different ideas about what is important in life. They lack imagination.

The perspective on "if my husband died I wouldn't bother dating" is really helpful. I've had it said in relation to me just talking in general about dating (funny stories, success stories, anything really) so many times. Enough times to make me think about it.

I suppose I need to understand thats more about the person I'm talking to rather than what they think about my dating/sex life.

Unless you told me different, I would assume that you are where you want to be!

No! I was you until very recently! Living in a flat alone for a decade! Also I didn't have a mum. Circumstances changed for me, but I would have been fully happy to continue that lifestyle.

In my experience the people that react like that are generally jealous or envious of your single life - aka your freedom. Enjoy it! X

@Jennifer2r

A lot of people are saying "if you were happy I wouldn't pity you" but I think you don't know how happy any colleagues or random acquaintances are, really? I'm very professional at work so maybe some people assume I'm just sad because of my barren womb

I think that’s an excellent point. You don’t require your married parent acquaintances to prove their happiness by sucking your teeth, looking unconvinced when they mention their offspring or spouse and saying ‘Oh, well, I suppose it’s all right , if you’re actually happy with that.’

Likewise, there’s no requirement fo you to be all ‘Yay!!! Freedm! No ties!’ 24/7 either, like a demented William Wallace. Or that other idea that childfree, single people should be saving the world, dominating their fields, travelling every weekend, swinging from chandeliers and generally being extraordinary. No, childfree single people also get to be dull, eat biscuits and watch Dave reruns. They don’t have to justify their status by running ultramarathons and curing malaria.

OP I have 8 children and am happily married (for the second time) have a big house, dogs etc etc.

I like to daydream about living on my own in a flat full of art and stuff that toddlers won’t break, and a couple of those naked cats

I think your colleague sounds like a twat and I bet she m own what she’s doing aswell.

*knows

I wouldn't feel sorry for you. I can see there are disadvantages and advantages to all sorts of living arrangements.

@erinyes

That's exactly it and I wish I'd started my op by saying "I feel like I need to channel a demented William Wallace around people who don't know me" because thats exactly it.

I'm not free or a sad old cat lady I'm just doing what I want / can / what life has dealt me!

@welltidy

It's the headtilt that bothers isn't it! What happened next for you?

I would work on the assumption that you have a happy, fulfilling life unless you actually told me otherwise (and then I’d respond appropriately to the circumstance).

I had a house, children a husband. Do you know what? It was shit. He is shit. We are divorcing. I will be (I am) better off without him.

People make all sorts of decisions. Find themselves in all kinds of circumstances. There is absolutely no reason to assume that a single woman my age isn’t perfectly happy about her situation and enjoying her life of friends, family and things of her choosing. Right now, I’d recognise that she might have made far better choices than me!

No. As you don't want kids there's nothing to feel sorry for there and a lot of people are perfectly happy, many even prefer, being single and independent.

I'd imagine you get to do lots of fun things at your own whim.

Not at all. I look at people with children and feel sorry for them as it looks awful .

Definitely not tragic or pity worthy.
Having/not having kids isn't better, it's just different.
The person you spoke to was quite biased in assuming you weren't single and child free by choice. Easy mistake to make but pretty insensitive and, I imagine, very grating for you. Has she spoken to you about it since?

It's international womens day. All
The available life choices are valid. You do you, especially today

I used to get this a lot from more traditional people who could only see life through their lens. I once heard that a colleague was going around telling everyone she just wished I could find happiness too. Although she meant well it was patronising and narrow minded. She had a lovely life, I had a lovely life, we had just chosen different lives and they made us happy.

I think this is really common. My wonderful mum has been single by choice her entire life. She had a fabulous career, travelled, owned property, loads of friends, loads of adventures generally, and is very happy with her life.

She gets infuriated by the number of women with "horrid little husbands who I wouldn't look at twice now, never mind in my prime" (her words, not mine!) giving her the sympathetic head tilt and assuring her "there's someone out there" for her.

She tends to give a theatrical shudder and loudly state: "dear god, I hope not!"