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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/03/2022 19:31

A bit jealous, that is how I feel Grin

Moonface123 · 07/03/2022 19:38

You are a breath of fresh air OP.
That rare breed of woman, content to be on her own and steering her own ship, a freedom unknown to many.
I would high five you, never pity you.

Flowerpot28 · 07/03/2022 19:42

Honestly no i really wouldn’t ! I might even be a little envious 😂

Lurking9to5 · 07/03/2022 19:46

I haveva house and teens but no husband.

Dont care who feels sorry for me! Probably people who'd be afraid to leave a bad marriage.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 07/03/2022 19:48

Lord, no. One of my oldest friends has a similar set-up. Nice city centre flat, well-paid, interesting work, plenty of romantic interest here and there but not desperate to settle, good friends and social life. The main thing I envy is that she is master of her own destiny - no kids or partner to consider when looking at big life decisions.

Erinyes · 07/03/2022 19:52

One of the most fulfilled people I know has been single since before I met her in the early 1990s. She does own a house, but it’s a ramshackle, simple little place (that has actually been used as a film set because it looks much the same as it did in 1930). She’s a free spirit, and a genuinely original person who has a real gift for friendship, and I’ve always been absolutely delighted to know her.

Lurking9to5 · 07/03/2022 19:53

Some women jus arent v brave. I would hardly call this "travelling" but once when my x had the dc (they refuse to go now) i went to alicante and then lorca.

My mum was baffled. It was so rude of her. She said "why would you waste money on hotels when you're on yr own?".
I said "well, they dont let you off paying because you're single".

But she look3d at m3 like i was setting good money on fire.

Apparently it's not possible to enjoy anything if there's nobody there with you.

My mum pities some single friends but i pity her for her fearful conservative mindset.

Bananarice · 07/03/2022 19:58

No, there are to many women stuck in bad relationship. It is nice to read about a content person.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 07/03/2022 19:59

I'm bloody jealous no word of a lie!

Statistically the happiest people are married men and single women. This says everything.

If I could do my life over, no kids, no living with men. Maybe the occasional shag.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2022 20:00

God their so heteronormative and dull
I’m a single mum and I’ve started dating again much older than you
Ignore
Find more diverse friends

Liveandkicking · 07/03/2022 20:01

I wouldn’t want to live alone and chose a life with kids and a husband. So I might wonder if you were lonely (as I would be) but I’d take my cue from you and if, as you clearly are, the person seemed happy then I wouldn’t feel sorry for them, no.

Nordicwannabe · 07/03/2022 20:02

Not at all - I'd assume you were living your life the way you wanted to, unless you told me otherwise.

I would feel sad for you if you went through lockdown alone. I felt so grateful to live with my family at that time.

But I also feel sad for parents who struggled with home-schooling whilst trying to work full time. And for those who had too many people living together for comfort. It was a horrible time for most people, and everyone had their own difficulties. I can feel sympathy for all.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 07/03/2022 20:03

No.
If you're happy, that's great. No need for anyone's sympathy.

Crayzeefrog · 07/03/2022 20:07

I wouldn’t feel sorry for you if I knew you well enough to know you really were happy to be single and childfree in your 40s but I have a few friends approaching 40 that are adamant that they are happy to be in that situation but their behaviour says otherwise and they are often quite vocal about how awful my life must be with 2 small children (it isn’t awful, I love my life and like any life it has it ups and downs - neither of which I harp on about so the comments come out of nowhere and reek of jealousy)

Gowithme · 07/03/2022 20:07

They're just projecting hugely. They would struggle to cope so they assume you must too. I think you should set them straight!

whiteroseredrose · 07/03/2022 20:18

Definitely not tragic or pity worthy if you are happy solo. And it is certainly better to be single than with any old partner.

Unlike others on here I wouldn't envy you - husband and children were what I always wanted - but I was happy enough single. I could never understand friends who would rather have an A-hole partner than be single.

However I hope your friends are like minded. It's hard when all friends couple up and have children then are too busy with all that for a decade.

Anonymouslyposting · 07/03/2022 20:19

I think I’m a weird mixture of envious and pitying?

I think I’d be lonely without my husband and miss the support and affection of being in a relationship. My DD had brought me such joy so I’d be sad for you that you didn’t have that (unless I knew you didn’t want kids in which case I wouldn’t feel sorry for you not having them).

On the other hand - with a young child and the potential for more on the horizon the idea of even one day where you just get to do whatever you want is so appealing that there’s a big part of me that is very jealous that you have lots of them! Also, while I adore my husband and wouldn’t swap him for anyone I’d love to have the excitement of a new relationship again.

I guess it’s the same as everything, pluses and minuses to both - I’ve often thought it would be amazing to have a week of being a family woman and then a week of being single. Sadly it obviously wouldn’t work because you’d miss your family on the week you weren’t with them and I’m pretty certain my husband would object if I acted single 50% of the time!

declutteringmymind · 07/03/2022 20:28

You're friend is just being narrow minded. Ignore her.

Original poster
Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 20:52

Thank you for all the lovely comments. It's really appreciated.

Regarding the pandemic, it was really hard living alone and not having cuddles and so on, but I had a home that I loved and a good job and my own space. I had a lot of friends who were home schooling and working and having relationship stress that I was grateful to avoid. So I felt like it was 'six of one'.

I often feel I have to qualify saying I'm not married and no kids by saying "I don't really want them either!", without sounding totally mad or bitter. And trying to get across that I'm content and happy to people I don't know, so that they don't think I'm a pity case. With people I do know, theres no issue as I have a cheerful demeanor and outlook.

Maybe I should just learn to care less what people think. In some respects at work it makes me feel less like a grown up, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 07/03/2022 20:55

No - am married with kids.

As long as you felt happy I'd feel not sorry for you.

Original poster
Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 20:59

@fuckthatbullshit

Pleased to hear of others in a similar situation. Pleased the thread helped you. Yes I'd like a boyfriend but I want a good one who has his shit together and is good in bed and kind to me and other people and if he doesn't exist I'll just carry on as I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 21:02

A lot of people are saying "if you were happy I wouldn't pity you" but I think you don't know how happy any colleagues or random acquaintances are, really? I'm very professional at work so maybe some people assume I'm just sad because of my barren womb Grin

OP posts:
NinaDefoe · 07/03/2022 21:06

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

God no! I would envy you.

My favourite friends are in your position.
Truthfully, they are more interesting, loyal, fun to be with than any of my married ‘Mum’ friends.

They do stuff, they are interested in everything, they are spontaneous and autonomous, they don’t have to run everything past their DH.

It’s a different life to the one I have and it’s a lifestyle I admire rather than pity.

Original poster
Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 21:08

@anonymouslyposting

That's a wonderful answer and kind of how I feel about my situation - I'm not winning and I'm not losing, we're just all making decisions the best we can and trying our hardest to be happy!

OP posts:
Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 07/03/2022 21:09

As long as you're happy, I wouldn't pity you, more likely feel jealous because you can go to the toilet in peace, and I bet you've no desire to change your name. Mum doesn't work for me some days.

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