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Original poster

If you have a husband, children and house, would you feel sorry for me?

227 replies

Jennifer2r · 07/03/2022 15:00

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

OP posts:
Snog · 07/03/2022 15:26

Apparently single women are on average a lot happier than those in couples so no I wouldn't automatically feel sorry for you OP.

theneverendinglaundry · 07/03/2022 15:26

No, if anything, I would be envious. Grin

DetailMouse · 07/03/2022 15:27

I actually feel quite strongly that long term monogamy is useful, even necessary during the child rearing years, but after that (or if you don't want that), what's the point? It sounds like you have a great life.

irishfarmer · 07/03/2022 15:27

No, my SIL is late 40s and is very happily single. She has had boyfriends but none that I've ever meet and I'm with DH 10 years. She is picky too and won't settle.

I do feel a bit sorry for a few friends of mine though. They are early 30s and I know 2 def want to find a partner/ have kids. I hope it happens for them. I don't think they should settle as such, but 1 in particular has never had any sort of L/T relationship and breaks things off for the smallest of things so maybe she does need to compromise a small bit.

But no by the sound of it I wouldn't feel sorry for you. My mam and aunt both in early 50s are very happily single and I don't ever see that changing.

deadlanguage · 07/03/2022 15:28

If you’re happy then I wouldn’t pity you. I work with someone who did want marriage and kids and never found the right person which I think is a shame but I still don’t pity them - they have other stuff in their life now and are happy. I would only pity someone if they were unhappy with their situation.

Hummingbirdcake · 07/03/2022 15:29

No, not if you’re happy.

inappropriateraspberry · 07/03/2022 15:30

No. It's your life, completely separate and different to mine. It sounds like you have a lovely, happy, balanced life.

ChangeAndHelp · 07/03/2022 15:31

Nope. Jealous of your free time but then I didn’t really value mine until it was gone!

Happiness is a scale which is relative. People could only feel sorry for you if they assume that they themselves would be unhappy with being single. Cannot fathom it not being the case.

People say the dumbest things sometimes

KylieCharlene · 07/03/2022 15:32

I'd be envious of your social life and your independence.
You're out there living your life whilst I'm stuck here in an unhappy long-term relationship with (lighthearted- I think) two ungrateful spoilt brats who take me for granted.
I feel I've lost me. You, on the other hand are enjoying life.

Lubeyboobyalt · 07/03/2022 15:33

Not at all. I loved being single. If I'd been childfree too it would have been a lot easier (financial stresses) definitely an enviable lifestyle rather than to be pitied in some way!

SemperIdem · 07/03/2022 15:34

Not at all, different things make different people happy.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 07/03/2022 15:36

I’m not sure pity is the right word but I might feel that your circumstances weren’t ideal depending on what your flat is like and whether you rent/own it. An owned stylish apartment with a lovely balcony suggests a lifestyle choice; a small rented flat suggests you ended up there by accident.

I wouldn’t feel sorry for you being single or child free though, if that’s what you wanted.

TheReddestJohansson · 07/03/2022 15:36

Not even slightly. I do feel sorry for Head Tilty McGoo and her miserable home-life which can be the only possibly conclusion for such overtly fucktarded faux-smugness.

I married early forties and it was worth the wait (also didn't want children) but I was also really contented single. I remember thinking around 40 that if this was going to be my life, then that would be pretty great. Then I met my DH and because I wasn't desperate, he just made life MORE fun.

You sound cool AF. You're not pretending you aren't up for meeting someone but you also don't need anyone. I'd say the same if you had 5 cats because cats are AWESOME and people who have enough love to have cats are also AWESOME.

So no, I don't think you are tragic or sad or any of the above.

You're a fucking icon.

Tilty needs to get in the sea.

Hawkins001 · 07/03/2022 15:36

@Jennifer2r

I'm early 40s and I live on my own in a flat which I really love. I don't have a partner or children but I have friends, my mum and a good social life.

I would like a relationship but am quite picky, and I don't want any children so I'm not in a hurry.

I was recently talking to a colleague at lunch and she did a head tilt and said "oh that must be so difficult, on your own", and I've had other comments about how dating must be awful at my age (I don't find it that bad) and "if my husband died I wouldn't bother with dating". Also comments through the pandemic about people living in flats on their own.

I am happy with my life but wonder whether from the outside I must just seem a bit tragic and pity worthy? Is this going to get worse as I get older?

As long as your happy that's the main thing, with me, yes a long term relationship would be nice if as and when it happens, I'm not fussed about kids, if the lady has or doesent have then either way, plus I've got more freedom not being tied with a relationship it's a mix, sometimes I'd prefer a relationship other times in happy single.
bembridge11 · 07/03/2022 15:36

I suspect many of the people who make these unsolicited comments are envious of your freedom and independence. You will have an inner contentment that they are lacking,
People in their forties have often been with someone for 15-20 years- by then there is often zero excitement and huge amounts if frustration and resentment.
Feel sorry for them and enjoy your life!

JustJam4Tea · 07/03/2022 15:38

No, I used to be you. Till I acquired a husband and step children. The best bit of the deal is that now I have a garden and a dog.

But tbf both of those I could have got without all the baggage of husband and dog.....

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 15:40

There's nothing more you can ask for than to be happy. I wouldn't pity you!

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 07/03/2022 15:40

@JustJam4Tea

No, I used to be you. Till I acquired a husband and step children. The best bit of the deal is that now I have a garden and a dog.

But tbf both of those I could have got without all the baggage of husband and dog.....

Poor dog. 🐶
Neenawneenaw76 · 07/03/2022 15:41

Tbh I'd only feel sorry for your if you wanted those things but hadn't got it.

Ohjustboreoff · 07/03/2022 15:42

Definitely do not think of single childless women as tragic. My BF is you, she says sometimes she wistfully thinks it might be nice to have someone to come home to but then reminds herself that she loves her freedom. I'm jealous of her all the time. I hate my life at the moment. It's a never ending drudge where I am always the last to be thought off. Sorry I'm throwing myself a pity party.

Funforeveryone · 07/03/2022 15:45

No, not at all. At the moment (war, Global warming, etc) I am very envious of people who chose not to have children.
And you've missed out on a lot of drudgery, being tied down (and expense) too.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 07/03/2022 15:46

No I wouldn't because you're happy. I'd feel sorry for someone who was single at 40 if they wanted kids but as you don't it's not an issue.

I'm married with three kids but love my alone time. Enjoy

Gilly12345 · 07/03/2022 15:46

I am married with twin girls (age 22) and still live at home, I work part time.

I definitely don’t feel sorry for you as we all make our choices, you sound very you are happy, hopefully you have a job you enjoy and have disposable income.

It is better to be on your own than with the wrong person.

zoemum2006 · 07/03/2022 15:47

Most of my old friends from uni are exactly like you. Maybe they feel sorry for me?

Puppyseahorse · 07/03/2022 15:49

Maybe if you wanted kids, but as you don’t- no, absolutely not. I’d be jealous of the freedom you have to live your life as you choose. Many times I’ve wished that I DIDNT want kids- I could have directed my life towards what makes me happy much better.